The Onion

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals, including a police officer, and seriously injured at least 12 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there…Read more...

CHULA VISTA, CA—Awed and profoundly moved after witnessing such Zen-like serenity and focus, sources close to pistachio-eater Lawrence Carmichael confirmed Wednesday that he had achieved a complete “flow” state while snacking on the shelled seeds. “I believe his consciousness tuned out all extraneous stimuli or…Read more...

Democrats took back the House of Representatives in the 2018 midterm elections, providing a check on Republican policymaking and a rebuke to President Trump for the next two years. What do you think?Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities for financial self-support, career placement nonprofit Pass It On has announced a new employment program that aims to place burnouts in jobs they can do while totally blitzed out of their minds.…Read more...

NEW YORK—Promising gamers the most authentic equine experience in gaming history, Rockstar Games announced Wednesday that the first downloadable content update to their record-setting open-world Western game Red Dead Redemption 2 will have players reliving the game’s story from the perspective of their favorite horse.…Read more...

SAN QUENTIN, CA—In a new study examining trends in long-term American incarceration, Cornell University researchers found a marked increase Wednesday in the number of prisons encouraging creativity in death row inmates by allowing them to design the method of their execution. “Our investigation revealed that an…Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that the pop hit was certain to have far greater longevity than the entirety of your earthly works, a new report released Wednesday found that the song “Centerfold,” by The J. Geils Band will outlast you and all you create in this life. “After extensive research, we have conclusively shown that the…Read more...

Three U.S. families—the Waltons of Walmart, the Mars candy family, and the Koch brothers—have a combined wealth of $348.7 billion, a fortune that has increased 6,000 percent since 1982. What do you think?Read more...

CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid Campbell’s Soup Company has begun stockpiling the entire production of its eponymous canned soup in preparation for the total catastrophic collapse of civilization. “The end is nigh, and the only way to…Read more...

In a finding divided more by party than gender, a poll found that 43 percent of Americans believe the #MeToo movement has gone “too far,” expressing concern about the rush to judgment and unproven accusations ruining peoples’ careers. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Encouraging voters in need of a ride to take full advantage of the company’s drivers, ride-share service Uber announced Tuesday it would be offering discounted wages for its employees on Election Day. “We want people to get out and vote, which is why our drivers will be working at a 75 percent discount…Read more...

Citizens nationwide are heading to the polls today to cast their votes in the 2018 midterms, deciding which party will control the U.S. House and Senate, alongside other local offices and issues. What do you think?Read more...

Seven years in the making, Red Dead Redemption 2—the third installment in Rockstar Games’ Western-themed series—is one of the most anticipated games of this console generation, and in many ways, this cowboy epic blows away those expectations. Playing through its gunfights, train raids, and elegiac storyline, I…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that they were sick and tired of having their views ignored, Americans nationwide demanded Tuesday that their voices be heard and also some kind of dessert you get after breakfast. “For too long, we have stood in the shadows, silenced by the powerful—but no longer. We insist on…Read more...

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Humanity has wiped out 60 percent of the world’s mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles since 1970, leading experts at the World Wildlife Fund to warn of an extinction crisis now threatening civilization. What do you think?Read more...

Ridley Scott confirmed that he is currently working on a sequel to the critically acclaimed film Gladiator, which will focus on the life of the character Lucius as an adult. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that 50 years has been more than enough time for the democratic republic to repay the sum, the United States sent Laos a bill Monday for the 80 million still-undetonated bombs left in the country from the Vietnam War. “We’ve been patient, but we’re urging you to please settle the balance by Dec. 1…Read more...

ROCKTON, IL—Expressing frustration at the blatantly unrealistic detail, sources claimed Monday that there was “no way” a fictional TV character could actually afford the huge New York City coffee mug they were seen drinking from several times throughout the show. “The people who made this show clearly have no idea…Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—According to a report published Monday by the University of Michigan, an increasing number of women are now choosing to freeze their eggs until an age when a sudden, unexplained epidemic of mass infertility places society on the verge of collapse. “Our data confirmed that more and more women are choosing…Read more...

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In a late night interview, House speaker Nancy Pelosi echoed several notable Democrats in stressing near-certainty that her party would retake the House of Representatives in the midterm elections. What do you think?Read more...

MACCLENNY, FL—Calling its clearly laid out regulations “surprisingly refreshing,” conservative Floridian man Ernest Moyer told reporters Friday he enjoys living under Sharia Law much more than he thought he would. “I gotta admit, when I said ‘Those damn Arabs are gonna ruin democracy’ I didn’t expect strictly abiding…Read more...

EDISON, NJ—Immediately after dedicating 20 pages to the end of the Vietnam War and its aftermath, 11th-grade social studies textbook The American Vision awkwardly crammed the last 40 years of history into a little blurb titled “Into Our New Millennium.” “They spent a whole chapter on Teddy Roosevelt alone, but now…Read more...

Ben & Jerry’s is launching a new flavor, Pecan Resist—containing chocolate ice cream with white and dark fudge chunks, pecans, walnuts, and fudge-covered almonds—as part of a $100,000 philanthropic campaign to benefit activist organizations and “lick injustice” worldwide. What do you think?Read more...

WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco employee Tanya Fairbanks quietly remarked Friday that “Once they put me on cheeses, I will finally be happy,” as she handed out free samples of Vienna sausage. “I used to think that if I could just get…Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Discovering a complete failure to understand simple English prose that was nothing short of unbelievable, a new study published Friday found reading comprehension is down significantly amongst the dumb fucks reading this right now. “Our data found that exactly zero of the knuckle-dragging dimwits…Read more...

HASTINGS, NE—Saying it was definitely not a situation to get worked up about, the nation’s wealthiest residents assured the rest of the American public Friday that the heavily armed city being built in the sky high above the central United States had nothing to do with anything and could just be ignored.Read more...

CENTENNIAL, CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal told patient Matt Richards Friday that his blood pressure read fairly normal, so he should really fucking let it rip. “Well, Mr. Richards, you’re at 118 over 74. That means do whatever the hell you…Read more...

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Germany’s Angela Merkel has said she will step down as chancellor and pass off leadership of her center-right party in 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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BURRILLVILLE, RI—Touting it as an incredible opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a lucrative business endeavor, child venture capitalist Aidan Frost reportedly invested $2.50 Thursday in his friend’s new slug-eating enterprise. “I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed to make a more than two-dollar…Read more...

NEW YORK—Embodying every potential voter from a 75-year-old Latina grandmother of 12 to a Generation Z high school senior living in the Atlanta exurbs, hundreds of Nate Silvers representing every voting demographic in America ran rampant through the FiveThirtyEight.com offices Thursday following a disastrous explosion…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing frustration after yet another company employee visited her office with an issue, human resources director Sally Kent told reporters Thursday that she doesn’t know what exactly it is about her that makes people want to unload all their problems. “I have absolutely no idea why they all want to lay…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced that He will come again to judge the living and the dead once the Dow clears 27,000. “Listen, my children, and I will tell you—when the NYSE closing bell rings out and the Dow Jones…Read more...

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice of the NBA buzzer, passed away at the age of 83, sources confirmed Thursday. “Today, we mourn a longtime member of the NBA family. You always knew it was either the half or end of a game when you heard…Read more...

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James “Whitey” Bulger, the notorious former Boston mob boss, was killed Tuesday morning at a West Virginia prison after serving 7 years of his life sentence. What do you think?Read more...

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CLEVELAND—Finding themselves hopelessly out of their depth despite years of training in emergency field medicine, a local team of paramedics told reporters Wednesday that they had no idea how difficult it would be to cut a dangerously drunk woman out of an Elmo costume. “Good God, how did she even breathe in this…Read more...

LAKEWOOD, OH—Cramped and frustrated at being unable to interact with any of the other guests, Halloween party attendee Hayley Crawford divulged Wednesday that she was sick of being stuck as the back half of the Velma costume. “It’s unbelievably hot back here and I’m tired of suddenly being pulled around without…Read more...

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Characters from the video game Fortnite and comic book heroes topped the most popular Halloween costumes among adults and children in 2018, according to Google data. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Following a social media post in which the rapper appeared to distance himself from politics, Americans nationwide commented that “Kanye West must be back on his meds” in what, technically speaking, could be called a conversation about mental illness. “That guy was always a wack job, but it’s good he’s taking…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Wringing his hands as beads of sweat began dripping down his forehead, local man Samuel Karpinski repeatedly sought to reassure himself Wednesday that the giant hot dog moving down the sidewalk toward him must be nothing more than a costume. “Stay calm, stay calm—it can’t hurt you,” a visibly shaken…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Standing before his costumed congregants in St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis declared, “Take this grape for it is the witch’s eye, take this spaghetti for it is the witch’s brain,” during a Halloween-themed Communion Wednesday, Vatican sources confirmed.Read more...