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The Onion

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Updated 2025-07-04 04:15
Senate Reaches Deal To End Government Shutdown
Democrats in the Senate have voted to end a three-day budget shutdown after receiving assurances from Republican leaders that they will soon tackle a bill to keep immigrant “Dreamers” in the country. What do you think?Read more...
Real-Life Michelin Man Dies At 87
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‘Are Our Nominations Diverse Enough For You Whiny Dipshits?’ Sneers Academy President Unprovoked After Listing Nominees
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 23, 2018
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Cat’s Whiskers A Little Much
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Constantly Worrying What Other People Think About Your War Crimes Is No Way To Live Your Life
You know, it can be difficult to remain true to your deepest convictions and live life on your own terms. But I think we can all agree, it’s always better to be yourself and follow your dreams rather than end up with a lifetime of regret for all the things you didn’t do. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s really…Read more...
‘Your Father Died Peacefully In His Sleep,’ Assures Hospice Nurse Who Spent Past 6 Months Watching Man Wither Away In Agony
SELIGMAN, AZ—In an attempt to console the family of the deceased, Mountain View Hospice nurse Sam Bakshi—who watched his patient wither away for half a year in unrelenting torment—told relatives of the late Dennis Ridges on Tuesday that the man had died peacefully in his sleep. “I know this is a difficult time, but I…Read more...
A Timeline Of The World Economic Forum
The World Economic Forum, held every year in Davos, Switzerland, brings together hundreds of the planet’s most powerful political leaders, economists, and thinkers to discuss pressing world issues. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the WEF’s 47-year history.Read more...
Local Woman Considers Telling Gynecologist Whole Truth
ST. LOUIS—Taking a moment to consider the possibility that having an honest conversation with her doctor may actually be beneficial, local woman Denise Bowers said Tuesday that she was thinking about telling her gynecologist the whole truth. “Maybe this time I’ll just bite the bullet and let her know everything,” said…Read more...
Amazon To Open Grocery Store Without Checkout To Public
Amazon Go, a grocery store that uses hundreds of cameras and a customer’s phone to eliminate checking out, opens to the public this week. What do you think?Read more...
Furloughed Bison Pour Back Into National Parks After Government Reopens
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Police Find 1,600 Pounds Of Cocaine Smuggled In Pineapples
Authorities in Spain and Portugal found a massive stash of cocaine transported inside hollowed-out pineapples during a raid that also took down nine gang members responsible for the criminal operation. What do you think?Read more...
ICE Agents Hurl Pregnant Immigrant Over Mexican Border To Prevent Birth On U.S. Soil
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Report: Girl Who Called You A Slut In High School Posting Passionate Status About Women’s March
CHICAGO—Recalling how the former classmate would ruthlessly prey on insecurities, sources confirmed Monday that the girl who repeatedly called you a slut in high school was posting a passionate Facebook status about the Women’s March. “I had the most amazing time out there with my sisters, and it really proved that…Read more...
47-Second Clip From ‘Family Ties’ Season 3 Now Available On YouTube
SAN BRUNO, CA—Touting the prestigious addition to their comedy portfolio, executives from YouTube announced Monday that a 47-second clip from the third season of Family Ties is now available on their video-sharing website. “We’re so proud to bring to the viewing public this iconic moment in which Alex P. Keaton leaps…Read more...
Mom Saw A Bunch Of Photos From Women’s March Online
PITTSBURGH—Expressing how inspired she was by the images from the gathering, local mom Susan Krieps told her daughter on the phone Monday that she had seen a bunch of photos from the 2018 Women’s March online. “Wow, there were so many women there,” said Krieps, recounting how she had scrolled through a slideshow one…Read more...
Study: Uttering Phrase, ‘Marriage Is Hard Work,’ Number One Predictor Of Divorce
COLLEGE PARK, MD—Calling it the most reliable sign of an at-risk marriage, a study released Monday by the University of Maryland found that uttering the phrase, “Marriage is hard work,” was the number one predictor of divorce. “Our research shows that expressing a sentiment such as, ‘No one said marriage would be…Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 22, 2018
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Employee Apparently Confident Enough In Job Performance To Eat Snacks During Meeting
BISMARCK, ND—In what office sources called a bold move, local employee Brian Conlon was apparently confident enough in his job performance Thursday to eat snacks during a meeting. “Wow, he must be pretty certain in his ability to do his job well for him to loudly munch on snacks like that in the middle of the…Read more...
God Recalls 1983 Speedboat Accident That Sent Him To Heaven
THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging that He had been behaving recklessly that night, God, Our Holy Father, recalled Monday the speedboat accident in 1983 that originally sent Him to heaven. “The last thing I remember was tearing across Lake Winnepesaukah in a Jr. Executive 21 JRV with my buddy Dave and suddenly slamming right…Read more...
2017 Second-Hottest Year On Record
A new NASA analysis revealed that—even without warming caused by El Niño—2017 was the second-hottest year since modern record keeping began, and that 17 of the 18 warmest years have happened since 2001. What do you think?Read more...
Researchers Say That First Warning Sign Of Alcoholism Generally Driving Over Curb, Plowing Through Fire Hydrant, And Crashing Into Aquarium
ATHENS, OH—According to a three-year study published Friday by researchers at the University of Ohio, the first warning sign of alcoholism is usually driving over a curb, plowing through a fire hydrant, and crashing into an oversized aquarium. “That data strongly suggest that the earliest indication you may have a…Read more...
Is Case Keenum's Relationship With God Distracting Him From His Play On The Field?
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Fired-Up Patriots Ready To Give Full 60, Maybe 70% Against Jacksonville
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring that the team knew exactly what it would take to win, fired-up Patriots players told reporters Sunday they were ready to give a full 60, maybe 70 percent against Jacksonville. “We are pumped for this showdown, and the Jags are going to see two-thirds, maybe three-fourths of our best—if the game…Read more...
Looking Back On The Worst 365 Days Of Donald Trump's Presidency
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Apple Plans To Create 20,000 New Jobs, Build New Campus
Partially owing to a recent massive tax break, tech giant Apple will return billions of dollars from tax havens to the United States and create an estimated 20,000 new jobs while investing $30 billion in the U.S. economy. What do you think?Read more...
Study Reveals Lobsters Feel Pain And Get Off On It Like The Kinky Little Perverts They Are
DURHAM, NH—A new study released Friday by researchers at the University of New Hampshire’s Aquatic Institute revealed that lobsters are capable of feeling pain, and, what’s more, get off it on like the sick little fucking perverts they are. “Our experiments confirmed that lobsters are most likely able to experience…Read more...
Report: Friend Doing Sober January Must Have Really Fucked Shit Up Over Holidays
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Noting the incident had to be seriously messed up to make the regular drinker stop all of a sudden, friends of local man Tom Barrack reported Friday that he must have really fucked shit up over the holidays if he’s doing a sober January. “Tom puts booze away like nobody else, so something really fucking…Read more...
USA Gymnastics Confident They Have Plan In Place For Next Time Doctor Sexually Assaults 150 Children
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Michigan Restaurant Selling $180 Tacos
M Cantina, a restaurant in Dearborn, Michigan, is reportedly selling upscale tacos featuring foie gras, grasshoppers, and shaved black truffle and for $60, with a required 3 taco order that brings a single meal to a minimum of $180. What do you think?Read more...
‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worries
BOSTON—Stressing the importance of looking on the bright side despite how things might seem right now, a tiny, pathetic voice reportedly squeaked, “At least the days are getting longer,” Friday before being drowned out by the litany of worries and fears continually roaring within your mind. “Hey, there’s still some…Read more...
Man Wishes Women In Crowded Bar Would Let Him Read Jane Austen Novel In Peace
MODESTO, CA—Frustrated with the nonstop unwanted intrusions, local man Russell Goldin wished Thursday that the women in crowded O’Donnell’s Pub would let him read his Jane Austen novel in peace. “Jesus, will all these women just go away and let me enjoy Pride And Prejudice without being constantly interrupted,” said…Read more...
North And South Korean Teams To March Together In Winter Olympics
In a milestone toward thawing relations between the nations, North and South Korea will march under one flag and field a unified ice hockey team in the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. What do you think?Read more...
Ophthalmologist Instructs Patient Not To Look At Anything 24 Hours Before Eye Surgery
BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking the necessary precautions ahead of the procedure, ophthalmologist Brett Patel reportedly instructed his patient Alice Wahlberg Thursday not to look at anything 24 hours before her upcoming eye surgery. “In order to ensure optimal operating conditions, it’s very important to…Read more...
Aspiring Actor Dreams Of One Day Publicly Voicing Regret For Working With Woody Allen
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that it would be a landmark moment in her career, local aspiring actor Janine Caballero told reporters Thursday that she dreams of one day publicly voicing regret for working with Woody Allen. “Ever since I started acting, my wish has always been to land a role in a film directed by Woody Allen…Read more...
A Mine Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
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CVS To End Major Touch-Ups On Beauty Models
Pharmaceutical giant CVS has announced plans to eliminate all touch-ups of models for their cosmetic, skincare, and hair products by 2020. What do you think?Read more...
Tearful Elon Musk Warns About Dangers Of AI After Having Heart Broken By Beautiful Robotrix
HAWTHORNE, CA—Saying he now knows firsthand what painful consequences await such reckless behavior, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk held a press conference Thursday to warn the public about the dangers of artificial intelligence after having his heart broken by a beautiful robotrix. “You may be tempted, as I was, to open…Read more...
Leading Probability Researchers Confounded By Three Coworkers Wearing Same Shirt Color On Same Day
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying the likelihood of such a phenomenon occurring was near impossible, leading probability researchers told reporters Wednesday that they were confounded by reports that three coworkers at a Nashville-area office were wearing the same shirt color on the same day. “The entire statistics community is…Read more...
Most Anticipated Films Of 2018
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Bitcoin Falls 28% To 6-Week Low
Stoking fears of a potential cryptocurrency bubble, bitcoin has fallen in value below $10,000, bringing it to its lowest level since mid-December. What do you think?Read more...
Superstitious Ocean Blaming All Its Weird Behavior On The Moon
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Larry Nassar: 'Who Among Us Hasn't Made A Mistake Repeatedly And With Wild, Shameless Abandon?'
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Breaking: Bitcoin Value Currently Plummeting—No, Wait—Skyrocketing—No, Plummeting
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Lustful Man Sensually Uses One Hand To Unhook Clasp Of Take-Out Box
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Man Always Gets Emotional On Anniversary Of Father’s Death He Orchestrated
PHOENIX—Saying this time of year always dredges up memories of that fateful night, local man Alan Dahlgren admitted Wednesday he becomes emotional on the anniversary of his father’s passing, a death he personally orchestrated.Read more...
Scientist Find Genetic Basis For Bad Breath
By studying a range of individuals with persistent cabbage-scented breath, scientists have isolated a gene called SELENBP1 that generates sulphur-containing molecules and results in bad breath. What do you think?Read more...
Timothée Chalamet Donates 30,000 Smoldering Looks To Time's Up Fund In Wake Of Woody Allen Controversy
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Google Museum App Finds Users’ Fine Art Doppelgänger
An update to Google’s Arts and Culture app allows user to take a selfie and find a museum portrait that most closely matches their faces, a process developed using computer-vision technology. What do you think?Read more...
Study Finds Having It All Leading Indicator That Everything Will Come Crashing Down
BOULDER, CO—Suggesting a robust connection between success and ruin, a University of Colorado study released Tuesday found that having it all was a leading indicator that everything will come crashing down. “Our research has determined with a high level of certainty that making it to the top is the most reliable…Read more...
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