The Onion

DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Years of research regarding your progress thus far and the projected outcome of your continued efforts have culminated in the finding that it is in fact time for you to give up, experts on you concluded this week. “You made a decent run at it, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re ever really…Read more...

SALEM, VA—According to moviegoers currently bracing for the next 95 minutes, the cool glitch effect used on the Warner Bros. logo during the film’s intro sequence must mean that some serious shit is about to go down. “Oh, man, here we go. The normal picture got all distorted for a second, and the musical sting was…Read more...

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MOLINE, IL—Mystified by the lack of detail and speculating on the possible reasons for the same, local woman Jennifer Wallach was forced to do some detective work Monday when the obituary for a recently deceased high school classmate omitted the cause of his death. “Why would they just leave out how he died like…Read more...

CAMILLA, GA—Remaining perfectly motionless despite its mounting terror, Zinnia peruviana FL77542PM4 found itself on the verge of panic Monday after noticing a honeybee had landed on one of its petals. “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck me. Okay, deep breaths. Maybe it just wants to rest for a second and then it’ll fly away,” said…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Despite making an effort to acknowledge that both institutions bring something special to the table, combination Taco Bell/KFC manager Frank Moroni, 38, told reporters yesterday that he considers his franchise to be mostly a Taco Bell. “Listen, I would never discuss this with the customers because I have…Read more...

A posthumously published book in J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy series titled The Fall of Gondolin will be published this year. Depicting the elven city of Gondolin—and its sacking by the dark lord Morgoth—the book was assembled by the author’s son from notes and journals in his archives. What do you think?Read more...

Looks like some online sleuths have uncovered a bit of gaming history a certain company would rather forget: Fans have located the desert mass grave where Atari buried all the employees responsible for the E.T. video game.Read more...

Fleetwood Mac has fired Lindsey Buckingham after a disagreement over the band’s upcoming tour, opting to replace the singer of “Go Your Own Way” with Mike Campbell of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Neil Finn of Crowded House. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to raise public awareness about a rare deep-space broadcasting phenomenon, the American Astronomical Society published a press release Friday informing citizens that Wednesday night will be their best chance to view NOVΛ on PBS. “Our projections show that stargazers on the east coast will be able to…Read more...

LONDON—Noting that his treatment from colleagues recently ranged from avoiding eye contact by some to the occasional incident of spitting directly into his face by others, Cambridge Analytica whistleblower Christopher Wylie admitted Friday that the last few weeks at work have been unusually awkward. “The vibe has…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars,…Read more...

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BOSTON—Hoping to minimize his downtime on set between contractions, expectant father Dan Hartfield spent a few hours Friday filming B-roll of his wife’s vagina while waiting for the baby to crown. “Perfect, this is looking fantastic. Honey, could you scoot down a smidge so I can get better light?” said Hartfield,…Read more...

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COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be…Read more...

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Brian Williams once boasted a reputation of being the most trusted name in news, but he’s now found himself in the midst of a controversy that has left him utterly disgraced. In a shocking turn of events, the iconic broadcaster is being forced to resign from MSNBC after leaked documents have revealed that he’s a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying it can be as easy as doing a quick once-over in the shower, the American Dermatological Association released a statement Friday recommending thorough, regular checks of the entire body for screaming demonic faces bulging out of your skin. “It’s important to catch these things early, so we suggest…Read more...

A producer for Game of Thrones revealed that a massive battle scene for the eighth and final season of the HBO fantasy series required 55 days of shooting, far longer than any other in the show’s history. What do you think?Read more...

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RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn reportedly thought Thursday that the involuntary convulsions and profuse bleeding from his eyes and nose were signs that the synthetic weed was finally kicking in. “At first, I thought the stuff might…Read more...

Speaker Paul D. Ryan announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection in November, ending his brief tenure in the House of Representatives and likely kicking off a battle for his successor. What do you think?Read more...

STORRS, CT—Researchers at the University of Connecticut’s Nutritional Sciences Department released a statement Thursday recommending Americans increase their intake of whatever food will earn them a free T-shirt. “Whether the meal required for nutritional and sartorial lifestyle supplementation be a five-pound…Read more...

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Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge” Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was…Read more...

EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.Read more...

Former Silicon Valley star T.J. Miller is facing a federal charge after allegedly calling in a false threat suggesting that a passenger on his Amtrak Train had a bomb in her purse. The sentence could carry up to a five-year prison sentence. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Claiming that their new Extended Tracking™ feature would provide customers with additional security and peace of mind, UPS introduced new ordering metrics Wednesday designed to give updates on a delivery driver’s location for years after they have dropped off customers’ packages. “For an extra $5.99, we’re now…Read more...

Federal agents who recently raided the office of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen were searching for all records related to the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape as well as evidence that he made payments to suppress evidence of Trump’s affairs. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE, WA—Saying they had no respect for the luminaries who had come before them and helped pave the bloody way, serial killer Gerald Pinkney expressed his annoyance Wednesday with young murderers who held no appreciation for innovative child rapist and cannibal Albert Fish. “Man, these millennials think they…Read more...

A woman in Ulyanovsk, Russia died in surgery after doctors accidentally embalmed her alive by putting her on a formaldehyde-based drip rather than saline one. What do you think?Read more...

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Decrying the rapid decay of what were planned to be pillars of the local community, PyeongChang officials confirmed Wednesday that only weeks after the Olympics, many of their athletes were already completely dilapidated. “The Olympics were supposed to be about building the future of South…Read more...

ATLANTA—Frustrated that the video froze right as the chef started stirring in the poblano peppers, local mom Debbie Swanson reportedly had to stop masturbating Wednesday while she tried to get a Bobby Flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m so close! C’mon, just load already!” said…Read more...

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Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized for Russian election interference and third-party use of user data on Tuesday in a testimony to Congress, telling lawmakers “it was my mistake, and I’m sorry.” What do you think?Read more...

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Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city governments, with frequently embarrassing or distressing results. The Onion takes a look at some key facts about cybercrime.Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast…Read more...

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Apologizing profusely for failing to properly confirm their findings before going public, researchers from the Entomological Society of America retracted Tuesday their claims about the discovery of a new species of spider last week, admitting that the supposed arachnid was actually just a clump of dust…Read more...

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Owing to efforts by conservationists and local governments, the population of the giant panda rose 17 percent from 2004 to 2014, leading to the species being downgraded from endangered to vulnerable. What do you think?Read more...