The Onion

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Updated 2026-06-27 16:14
Report: Friend Doing Sober January Must Have Really Fucked Shit Up Over Holidays
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DQYN)
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Noting the incident had to be seriously messed up to make the regular drinker stop all of a sudden, friends of local man Tom Barrack reported Friday that he must have really fucked shit up over the holidays if he’s doing a sober January. “Tom puts booze away like nobody else, so something really fucking…Read more...
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USA Gymnastics Confident They Have Plan In Place For Next Time Doctor Sexually Assaults 150 Children
by
Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t
on (#3DQVH)
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Michigan Restaurant Selling $180 Tacos
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DQRE)
M Cantina, a restaurant in Dearborn, Michigan, is reportedly selling upscale tacos featuring foie gras, grasshoppers, and shaved black truffle and for $60, with a required 3 taco order that brings a single meal to a minimum of $180. What do you think?Read more...
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‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worries
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DQRF)
BOSTON—Stressing the importance of looking on the bright side despite how things might seem right now, a tiny, pathetic voice reportedly squeaked, “At least the days are getting longer,” Friday before being drowned out by the litany of worries and fears continually roaring within your mind. “Hey, there’s still some…Read more...
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Man Wishes Women In Crowded Bar Would Let Him Read Jane Austen Novel In Peace
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DNES)
MODESTO, CA—Frustrated with the nonstop unwanted intrusions, local man Russell Goldin wished Thursday that the women in crowded O’Donnell’s Pub would let him read his Jane Austen novel in peace. “Jesus, will all these women just go away and let me enjoy Pride And Prejudice without being constantly interrupted,” said…Read more...
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North And South Korean Teams To March Together In Winter Olympics
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DNBQ)
In a milestone toward thawing relations between the nations, North and South Korea will march under one flag and field a unified ice hockey team in the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. What do you think?Read more...
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Ophthalmologist Instructs Patient Not To Look At Anything 24 Hours Before Eye Surgery
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DNBR)
BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking the necessary precautions ahead of the procedure, ophthalmologist Brett Patel reportedly instructed his patient Alice Wahlberg Thursday not to look at anything 24 hours before her upcoming eye surgery. “In order to ensure optimal operating conditions, it’s very important to…Read more...
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Aspiring Actor Dreams Of One Day Publicly Voicing Regret For Working With Woody Allen
by
Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha
on (#3DN8T)
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that it would be a landmark moment in her career, local aspiring actor Janine Caballero told reporters Thursday that she dreams of one day publicly voicing regret for working with Woody Allen. “Ever since I started acting, my wish has always been to land a role in a film directed by Woody Allen…Read more...
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A Mine Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DN30)
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CVS To End Major Touch-Ups On Beauty Models
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Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DMWG)
Pharmaceutical giant CVS has announced plans to eliminate all touch-ups of models for their cosmetic, skincare, and hair products by 2020. What do you think?Read more...
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Tearful Elon Musk Warns About Dangers Of AI After Having Heart Broken By Beautiful Robotrix
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DMSJ)
HAWTHORNE, CA—Saying he now knows firsthand what painful consequences await such reckless behavior, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk held a press conference Thursday to warn the public about the dangers of artificial intelligence after having his heart broken by a beautiful robotrix. “You may be tempted, as I was, to open…Read more...
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Leading Probability Researchers Confounded By Three Coworkers Wearing Same Shirt Color On Same Day
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DM6P)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying the likelihood of such a phenomenon occurring was near impossible, leading probability researchers told reporters Wednesday that they were confounded by reports that three coworkers at a Nashville-area office were wearing the same shirt color on the same day. “The entire statistics community is…Read more...
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Most Anticipated Films Of 2018
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DN31)
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Bitcoin Falls 28% To 6-Week Low
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DJEJ)
Stoking fears of a potential cryptocurrency bubble, bitcoin has fallen in value below $10,000, bringing it to its lowest level since mid-December. What do you think?Read more...
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Superstitious Ocean Blaming All Its Weird Behavior On The Moon
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DJ42)
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Larry Nassar: 'Who Among Us Hasn't Made A Mistake Repeatedly And With Wild, Shameless Abandon?'
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DHXD)
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Breaking: Bitcoin Value Currently Plummeting—No, Wait—Skyrocketing—No, Plummeting
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DHT6)
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Lustful Man Sensually Uses One Hand To Unhook Clasp Of Take-Out Box
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DHP9)
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Man Always Gets Emotional On Anniversary Of Father’s Death He Orchestrated
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DHKD)
PHOENIX—Saying this time of year always dredges up memories of that fateful night, local man Alan Dahlgren admitted Wednesday he becomes emotional on the anniversary of his father’s passing, a death he personally orchestrated.Read more...
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Scientist Find Genetic Basis For Bad Breath
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DHFM)
By studying a range of individuals with persistent cabbage-scented breath, scientists have isolated a gene called SELENBP1 that generates sulphur-containing molecules and results in bad breath. What do you think?Read more...
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Timothée Chalamet Donates 30,000 Smoldering Looks To Time's Up Fund In Wake Of Woody Allen Controversy
by
Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha
on (#3DF26)
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Google Museum App Finds Users’ Fine Art Doppelgänger
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DES6)
An update to Google’s Arts and Culture app allows user to take a selfie and find a museum portrait that most closely matches their faces, a process developed using computer-vision technology. What do you think?Read more...
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Study Finds Having It All Leading Indicator That Everything Will Come Crashing Down
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DEP0)
BOULDER, CO—Suggesting a robust connection between success and ruin, a University of Colorado study released Tuesday found that having it all was a leading indicator that everything will come crashing down. “Our research has determined with a high level of certainty that making it to the top is the most reliable…Read more...
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 16, 2017
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DECY)
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Wall Wishes It Were Load Bearing
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Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DECZ)
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Hawaii's False Missile Alert Caused By Employee Pressing Wrong Button
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DC8D)
Hawaiians were alarmed after the Emergency Management Agency accidentally sent out a message warning them of an inbound missile, which administrators say was caused by an employee selecting the wrong option in a dropdown menu for an internal test. What do you think?Read more...
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New After-School Program Aims To Keep Children Off Streets For Additional 45 Minutes
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DBQK)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide students with at least a modicum of supervision in the afternoon, the Department of Education on Monday announced a new nationwide after-school program specifically aimed at keeping children off the streets for an additional 45 minutes. “This initiative will offer a safe environment…Read more...
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 15, 2018
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DBN3)
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Mom Hasn’t Said Full, Uninterrupted Sentence To Family Since 1997
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DBHN)
VICKSBURG, MS—Acknowledging that she hadn’t finished what she was saying in quite some time, family sources confirmed Monday that local mom Debra Garrison has not spoken a full, uninterrupted sentence to her family since 1997. According to witnesses, despite regularly contributing to conversations throughout the past…Read more...
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Opera Ends On Unexpected High Note
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3DBF2)
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Perfectly Good Dead Body Cremated
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DBF3)
JACKSON, MS—Squandering the fresh and largely intact remains for no apparent reason whatsoever, sources reported Monday that a perfectly good body was cremated. “It’s a shame to see a nice corpse like this go to waste,” said mortician Ron Vidal, placing into the cremation chamber what he thought, despite missing a few…Read more...
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Man Annoyed By Travel Plaza’s Abridged Pizza Hut Menu
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3DBF4)
CRANBURY, NJ—Saying that a place had no business calling itself a Pizza Hut unless it had all the normal stuff, local motorist Ed Coleman was reportedly annoyed Wednesday to find an abridged menu after stopping at the New Jersey Turnpike’s Molly Pitcher Service Plaza. “What the fuck? I only did this exit because I…Read more...
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Miracle Paycheck Lasts For 7 Whole Days
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3D46E)
AMARILLO, TX—The sufficiency of its funds mysteriously defying any rational explanation, a miracle paycheck received a week ago by local woman Jennifer Callahan, 27, somehow lasted seven whole days, according to sources. “It was just one check, but every day when I went to look, there was still some money left,” a…Read more...
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Whine And Dine
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3D1XA)
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Man Completely Blindsided By Seemingly Normal Stranger Telling Him To ‘Have A Blessed Day’
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3D146)
HARTFORD, CT—Startled and unsure how to respond to the wholly unexpected remark, local man Caleb Borden was reportedly blindsided Thursday when a stranger and otherwise normal-seeming person suddenly told him to “have a blessed day.” “Here I am talking to someone I think is just a typical, ordinary guy, and then he…Read more...
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Audiobook Narrator Really Going For Broke With Cajun Accent
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3CY0X)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Caught off guard by both the volume and vigor with which the distinctive speech pattern was being rendered, sources confirmed Wednesday that the audiobook narrator of James Lee Burke’s Heaven’s Prisoners was really going for broke with his Cajun accent. “Wow, he’s not pulling any punches, is he?”…Read more...
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Mutant Hockey League Worried City Of St. Mucus Won’t Publicly Finance New Arena For Ooze
by
Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t
on (#3CXTX)
ST. MUCUS—Expressing concern that the team might choose to relocate if a deal were not struck by the end of the offseason, Mutant Hockey League officials were reportedly pessimistic Friday that the owners of the St. Mucus Ooze would reach an agreement with the city to publicly finance a new arena.Read more...
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Just Say The Word, And We’ll Perform With Socks On Our Penises Again
by
By Anthony Kiedis
on (#3CTPV)
In the Peppers’ 35 years of existence, we’ve gone through a lot of changes: guitarists, hairstyles, producers, record labels—the list goes on. What can I say? It’s been a hell of a ride, but here it is, 2018, and we’re still bringing you the funk. Through the years, we’ve never for a moment forgotten all the times we…Read more...
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New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3CTKM)
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ensure the federal benefit program is not taken advantage of, a new regulation announced Tuesday will require all organisms facing extinction to actively search for a new habitat in order to receive funding for their protection under the Endangered Species Act. “Effective immediately,…Read more...
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 9, 2018
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3CTGH)
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Pile Of Dirty Clothes On Bedroom Floor Starting To Mix With Pile Of Clean Clothes On Bedroom Floor
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3CTCH)
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Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3CQ6B)
CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the…Read more...
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Really Ugly Shark Tired Of Being Mistaken For Hammerhead
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3CQ6C)
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Whoa, Vacuum Got Something Pretty Big Under Couch
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3CQ6D)
CINCINNATI—Reacting immediately to the sudden noise, surprised local woman Fran Copeland confirmed Monday that whoa, her vacuum cleaner just got ahold of something really big underneath the couch. “Oh, man, whatever just got sucked up into there must have been huge,” said the visibly startled 28-year-old, explaining…Read more...
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New Evidence Suggests Ancient Egyptians Only Ever Visited Pyramids When Friends Were In From Out Of Town
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3CQ3A)
LONDON—In a discovery that sheds new light on the civilization’s cultural practices, researchers at University College London presented evidence Monday that suggests ancient Egyptians never went to see the pyramids unless they had guests in from out of town. “Recently unearthed papyrus rolls dating from 2400 B.C.…Read more...
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Earth’s Successful Completion Of Orbit Around Sun Inspires Woman To Reflect On Eating Habits
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3C4M6)
GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has…Read more...
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2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3C3YT)
WASHINGTON—Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be turning around, delusional sources reported Friday that 2018 will be the year it’s all going to fall into place. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2018,” said Liam Thomas of Margate, FL, echoing the…Read more...
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Single Woman Getting All Dolled Up To Watch Room Full Of People Make Out This New Year’s Eve
by
Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to
on (#3C2C6)
BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her…Read more...
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The Worst Potluck Contributions Of 2017
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Ryan Shattuck
on (#3BNGA)
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Top Television Shows Of 2017
by
Ryan Shattuck
on (#3BNG9)
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