The Onion

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Updated 2026-09-26 21:15
Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves
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The Onion
on (#3KBPH)
SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set aside his latest cost-cutting initiative Wednesday after realizing it was actually human slavery. “On the surface, it seemed plausible—owning our employees’ bodies, implementing a mandatory 18-hour…Read more...
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Server Loves That Dessert
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Overworked Nation Wishes It Could Just Unplug From It All Like Puerto Rico
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The Onion
on (#3KB9K)
WASHINGTON—Daydreaming about taking a break from the day-to-day grind of modern life, an overworked U.S. populace announced Wednesday that sometimes it wishes it could just unplug from it all the way they did in Puerto Rico. “Whenever my workday gets hectic, I think about how lucky they are to be on this tropical…Read more...
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‘Roseanne’ Returns
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The Onion
on (#3KB9M)
More than 30 years after its debut, Roseanne has returned to ABC to depict the working-class struggles of the titular character and her husband, Dan. What do you think?Read more...
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5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids About To Go Apeshit For Ending Of ‘The Giver’
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KB9N)
CASPER, WY—Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages, fifth-grade teacher Melissa Botzki told reporters Wednesday she can already tell the kids in her class are about to go apeshit over the ending of Lois Lowry’s The Giver. “They have no idea what’s coming, and when…Read more...
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Gunmaker Remington Files For Bankruptcy
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The Onion
on (#3K9QH)
Remington, one of America’s oldest gunmakers, filed for bankruptcy this week, allowing the maker of the AR-15 rifle to stay in business and shed its massive debt. What do you think?Read more...
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 27, 2018
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The Onion
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Law Enforcement Questions Why Alton Sterling Was Even Black In The First Place
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The Onion
on (#3K9S6)
BATON ROUGE, LA—Following the Louisiana Attorney General’s conclusion that the victim’s shooting death at the hands of police was justified, law enforcement officials questioned Tuesday why Alton Sterling had even been black in the first place. “The fact is that Mr. Sterling clearly knew exactly what he was doing when…Read more...
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Coroner’s Report Concludes Alton Sterling Died Of Institutionalized Causes
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Study Finds 12,000 Americans Die Annually In What Are Made To Look Like Car Accidents
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The Onion
on (#3K99X)
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Concluding that the official accounts of the collisions always seem perfectly believable, a study released Tuesday by the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center found that 12,000 Americans die annually in what are made to look like automobile accidents. “According to our data,…Read more...
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Census Adds Question Asking Participants To Identify Any Unpatriotic Neighbor
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The Onion
on (#3K94H)
WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to provide more thorough statistical data on the country’s populace, the U.S. Department of Commerce announced Tuesday that a question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbors was added to the 2020 decennial census. “This will aid the U.S. Census Bureau in…Read more...
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Teens Spend Wild Spring Break In D.C. Begging Lawmakers For Their Lives
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The Onion
on (#3K8YE)
WASHINGTON—Cheering, yelling, and generally running rampant through the nation’s capital, a group of teens were reportedly spending a wild spring break in Washington, D.C. Tuesday begging lawmakers for their lives. “These kids are all over the place, showing no restraint whatsoever while pleading with their…Read more...
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Most Influential U.S. Secretaries Of State
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The Onion
on (#3K8QR)
President Trump’s controversial firing of his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, partially due to disagreements over foreign policy, has put the spotlight on the role of the head of the U.S. State Department. The Onion looks back at some of the most influential U.S. secretaries of state.Read more...
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City Of Baltimore Targeting Young Professionals With New ‘You Get Used To It’ Campaign
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The Onion
on (#3K8GK)
BALTIMORE—In an effort to boost economic growth by encouraging recent college graduates to move to their city, Baltimore officials unveiled Tuesday a new advertising campaign targeting young professionals that centers on the tagline, “You get used to it.” “Most newcomers to Baltimore discover that, after a while, they…Read more...
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Point/Counterpoint: Oh, Are The PC Police Here To Arrest Me For Havin’ Opinions? vs. Sir, We Are The Regular Police And You Need To Come Out Of That Slide
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The Onion
on (#3K8GM)
Well, well, well. Look who decided to come out of their safe space to oppress another honest American. What’s wrong, have I somehow “offended” you? Am I in “trouble?” Well, tough shit, buddy. ’Cause I’ll come right out and say it: Nothing will ever stop me from speaking my mind. Who the hell do you think you are,…Read more...
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Report: Sharks To Only Kill 10 People This Year But One Of Them Will Be You
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The Onion
on (#3K8CY)
WOODS HOLE, MA—A report released Tuesday by the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution revealed that only 10 individuals will fall victim to fatal shark attacks in 2018; however, you will be one of the victims. “Taken as a whole, the number of people killed by sharks annually has remained fairly low, which is great news…Read more...
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White House Order Would Ban Most Transgender Troops
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The Onion
on (#3K82Y)
An order issued Friday by President Trump bars transgender individuals from serving in the armed forces, setting the stage for a lengthy legal battle and eventual Supreme Court decision. What do you think?Read more...
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Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence
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The Onion
on (#3K6C5)
Roughly two million Americans joined the March For Our Lives this weekend to protest gun violence in the U.S., with 800,000 attending in Washington, D.C. alone. What do you think?Read more...
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Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting
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The Onion
on (#3K68C)
DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are…Read more...
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We Interview Some Guy Who Hated ‘March For Our Lives’ Out Of A Desperate Terror Over Being Accused Of Bias
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NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths
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The Onion
on (#3K63X)
FAIRFAX, VA—In response to the March For Our Lives protest led by student activists who survived the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, the National Rifle Association reportedly issued a statement Monday calling for more common-sense gun deaths. “Now, more than ever, what we need are more shooting deaths resulting…Read more...
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NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience
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The Onion
on (#3K5W0)
FAIRFAX, VA—Reminding them to appreciate the lifetime of memories they will never forget, the National Rifle Association announced Monday that Parkland students should be grateful to guns for giving them such an unforgettable bonding experience. “These protesting students should be thankful to guns for an exciting…Read more...
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Jonathan Safran Foer Guesses It’s Time To Give Up On Silly Little Dream Of Becoming Good Writer
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The Onion
on (#3K5M9)
BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that if it were going to happen for him it probably would have by now, award-winning author Jonathan Safran Foer conceded Monday that perhaps it was time to grow up and let go of his “childish pipe dream” of becoming a good writer one day. “I’ve tried my hand at this writing thing for a couple…Read more...
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It Kind Of Pathetic How Excited 3-Year-Old Is To See Daddy Home From Work
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3K5H0)
ATHENS, OH—Noting the “sad fucking glimmer in his eye” as he opened the front door, sources confirmed Monday that it was kind of pathetic how excited local 3-year-old Jackson Ross was to see his dad return from work. “The second that car pulled into the driveway, the kid raced to the window, jumped up and down, and…Read more...
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 26, 2018
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Man Assumed Celebrity Sighting Would Do More For His Career
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3K552)
AKRON, OH—After unexpectedly running into actor Jeff Garlin during a recent trip to Los Angeles, local man Richard Grover admitted to reporters Monday that he assumed the chance sighting would do more for his career. “When I met the guy who plays Larry David’s agent on Curb Your Enthusiasm, I sort of felt like things…Read more...
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Male Birth Control Pill Shows Early Promise
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The Onion
on (#3K553)
A form of once-daily male birth control appears to be safe, leading to only slight weight gain in men, although researchers say further testing is needed on side effects and effectiveness. What do you think?Read more...
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FDA Deems Genetically Modified Salmon Too Handsome To Eat
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The Onion
on (#3K554)
WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis into the animal’s stunning good looks, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that genetically modified salmon are far too handsome to eat. “After several rounds of clinical testing, we have determined that these genetically altered fish are safe for human…Read more...
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Apple Recalls Thousands Of Earbuds That Unexpectedly Bloomed
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Stormy Daniels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview To Air This Weekend
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The Onion
on (#3JZDK)
Despite threats of legal action from the White House, adult film actress and director Stormy Daniels will appear in an interview with Anderson Cooper this Sunday to discuss her relationship with President Trump. What do you think?Read more...
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Yosemite National Park Completes Construction On New 6-Lane Scenic Driving Trail
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The Onion
on (#3JZ0D)
YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Hailing it as an exciting new way to experience the park in all its glory, Yosemite National Park announced Friday that it had completed construction of a new six-lane scenic driving trail. “We’re proud to announce the opening of our new six-lane Sierra Heritage Supertrail, which will traverse…Read more...
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Friends Trying On Each Other’s Glasses Revel In Glorious Mayhem Of Having Slightly Different Prescriptions
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3JYFH)
LAKE FOREST, IL—Exhilarated by the atmosphere of sheer madcap anarchy created by the subtle variations in their visual acuity, a group of friends trying on each others’ glasses Friday reveled in the glorious mayhem of their somewhat different prescriptions. “Whoa! Everything is super blurry!” said Katherine Grant, 27,…Read more...
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Sound Off
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Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His Image
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The Onion
on (#3JYCX)
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic Church for its unlawful appropriation of my likeness in their branding…Read more...
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Is It Time For The NCAA To Start Paying The Coaches?
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The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
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U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle
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The Onion
on (#3JYCZ)
ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth and for each enemy to be pursued unto death, the Pentagon declared Thursday that it would consolidate all the nation’s wars, from now until the end of days, into one final, epic battle.Read more...
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NASA Developing Spacecraft To Stop Possible Asteroid Strike In 2135
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The Onion
on (#3JYA2)
Researchers are developing a hypothetical spacecraft to collide with an asteroid that would otherwise strike Earth on Sept. 25, 2135, while stressing that the 1-in-2,700 chance of this happening is very slight. What do you think?Read more...
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Employee Leaving Company Unsure How To Break It To Coworkers Who Don’t Really Care Whether He Lives Or Dies
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3JYA3)
O’FALLON, MO—Struggling with the right way to inform colleagues of the decision, local sales representative Hugh Wenzel was reportedly unsure Friday how to break the news that he was leaving the Ripple Group to his coworkers who didn’t really care whether he lives or dies. “I could send them each an email explaining…Read more...
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Coffee Shop Customer Asks If Guy At Next Table Would Mind Watching While He Goes To Bathroom
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Will Missing The NCAA Tournament Affect Sister Jean’s Draft Stock?
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Authorities Claim The True Austin Bomber Was Everyone Who Failed This Sensitive, Promising Kid
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The Onion
on (#3JWTD)
AUSTIN, TX—Deeply lamenting the loss of young Mark Anthony Conditt, the precocious yet thoughtful go-getter with a penchant for politics, city officials confirmed Thursday that the true Austin bomber was everyone who failed this sensitive, promising kid. “What our investigation is attempting to determine is this:…Read more...
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WhatsApp Co-Founder Joins #DeleteFacebook Movement
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The Onion
on (#3JWPH)
Adding an influential voice to the social media boycott, WhatsApp co-founder Brian Acton said that he would join the movement that arose out of the website’s Cambridge Analytics scandal and delete his Facebook account. What do you think?Read more...
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NAACP Issues Travel Warning For Black Americans Visiting Own Backyards
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The Onion
on (#3JWDC)
BALTIMORE—In response to a number of disturbing incidents occurring in the area, civil rights organization NAACP issued a travel advisory Thursday warning black Americans to exercise extreme caution when visiting their own backyards. “We urge African Americans to be very careful and vigilant when venturing out onto…Read more...
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American People Admit Having Facebook Data Stolen Kind Of Worth It To Watch That Little Fucker Squirm
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The Onion
on (#3JWDD)
CHICAGO—Saying it was ultimately a small price to pay in exchange for the splendid spectacle that has followed, millions of Americans admitted Thursday that they didn’t really mind having their Facebook data stolen if it meant getting to watch that little fucker squirm. “Sure, it sucks that my private information was…Read more...
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Classically Trained Actor Can Talk On Cue
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3JW8Y)
NEW YORK—Saying that he was able to draw upon a lifetime of dramatic study to achieve the desired effect, classically trained actor Alan Viccellio told reporters Thursday that he could talk on cue. “After years of practice, someone can just point at me and I’ll bust out a whole sentence without even really thinking…Read more...
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Damning Evidence Shows Actor Al Jolson Wearing Blackface
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The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to
on (#3JW35)
BURBANK, CA—In a revelation that many are saying will tarnish his widely celebrated legacy, sources confirmed Thursday that damning footage recently obtained from Warner Bros. Pictures shows stage and film star Al Jolson wearing blackface. “It’s unfortunate, given all his contributions to American popular music, but I…Read more...
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Mark Zuckerberg Promises That Misuse Of Facebook User Data Will Happen Again And Again
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The Onion
on (#3JVSH)
MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to demonstrate the social media platform’s total commitment to profits, Mark Zuckerberg took to his personal Facebook page Thursday to promise that the company’s misuse of personal data will, as of now, happen again and again. “We have a responsibility to our users, and if we can’t…Read more...
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Tips For A Successful Parent-Teacher Conference
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The Onion
on (#3JVP7)
Parent-teacher conferences can be a valuable way to foster a better learning environment for children both in and outside of the classroom. The Onion offers tips to both teachers and parents for making the most of this meeting.Read more...
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Man Constantly Blaming His Problems On Fact That He’s On Fire
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3JVK7)
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying his stubborn unwillingness to take responsibility for his life had done far more to distance him from friends and family than the extreme heat, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Bryce Galloway continues to insist that his problems stem from his entire body being engulfed in intense flames.…Read more...
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Tinder’s Parent Company Suing Bumble For Patent Infringement
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The Onion
on (#3JVK8)
Tinder’s parent company, Match Group, is suing fellow dating app Bumble for infringement on patents including its swipe-based interface. What do you think?Read more...
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