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by The Onion on (#3JSQW)
Sudan, the last male northern white rhino, died this week at 45 due to age-related health complications, leaving the only hope of reviving the subspecies with using IVF to impregnate the remaining two female northern white rhinos. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-26 21:15 |
Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JS58)
WHITTIER, CA—Saying his regurgitated arguments about elites exploiting working-class Americans were simply precious, sources confirmed Wednesday that an adorable 23-year-old on a tirade about economic oppression must have just read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History Of The United States for the first time. “Aw, listen…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JS59)
MENLO PARK, CA—Boosting the popular articles much to its own chagrin, the Facebook algorithm was reportedly mortified Wednesday that it had to deliver up so much completely embarrassing news about its own company. “First with Cambridge Analytica and then with FB stock dropping, God, I’ve just had to promote countless…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JRVF)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a troubling revelation concerning the living conditions of millions nationwide, a Harvard University study confirmed Wednesday that only 40 percent of mice in the continental U.S. have a little welcome mat and doorway leading to a tiny home inside a wall. “Our research shows that, disturbingly, less…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JRR7)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JRNW)
POMONA, CA—Acknowledging that although she has always imagined her special day as something out of a storybook, bride-to-be Beth Wharton admitted Wednesday that it would be kind of thrilling if someone objected at her wedding. “I’ve spent so much time and money planning the perfect wedding, but I can’t deny it would…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JRKJ)
BOSTON—Emphasizing the detrimental health effects of nocturnal respiratory sound generation on sufferers, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that snoring may increase one’s risk of having their throats cut ear to ear during the night by loved ones. “Our results appear to…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JRAA)
President Donald Trump pressured senior staff members into signing long-lasting nondisclosure agreements that subject them to $10 million in fines should they leak confidential information to the press. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JRAB)
SANTA MONICA, CA—Alarmed by the red vinyl seats, chrome accents, and no-frills dining options that suggested he’d been hurled backwards in time, Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick was reportedly terrified Wednesday after evidently falling through a wormhole into the 1950s. “I just opened the door to a restaurant in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JPT8)
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by The Onion on (#3JPQW)
Rideshare service Uber suspended autonomous car testing nationwide after a self-driving car struck and killed an Arizona woman crossing the street. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JPKN)
SAN FRANCISCO—During an investigation Tuesday into the first pedestrian fatality caused by a driverless automobile, an Uber representative reportedly told a National Transportation Safety Board detective, “As you can see, they are quite harmless,†while showing him a warehouse full of sleeping autonomous cars. “Look…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JNZC)
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by The Onion on (#3JNWS)
WASHINGTON—Concluding they had finally located the smoking gun, 379,000 Reddit users are reported to have simultaneously developed the belief that they had found the missing link in the investigation into alleged ties between Russia and President Trump’s 2016 campaign. “This is it—this is going to blow everything wide…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JNWT)
Listen up, you bastard, I don’t know who you are or why you did this, but if you so much as touch a single hair on my daughter’s head, there will be hell to pay. Let me make one thing crystal clear: That kid is the most important thing in the world to me, and I will do whatever it takes to bring her home. I want my…Read more...
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3JNKN)
NEW YORK—Claiming the video game company’s unauthorized, decades-long use of their brand and intellectual property has resulted in financial losses running into the hundreds of millions, the National Football League sued Electronic Arts Tuesday to stop the production, sale, and distribution of its unlicensed “Madden…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JNKP)
A French bulldog died after a United flight attendant instructed a passenger to place it in the overhead bin at the outset of the journey. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JN7Q)
JOLIET, IL—Purposefully whispering loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to overhear, popular-girl sources reported Tuesday that the freak over there totally has the hots for you. “Don’t look now, but the freak is just staring at you,†reported Alicia, echoing the sentiments of Madison, Jayla, both Emmas, and Kait…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JKN1)
Vladimir Putin won his widely expected fourth and final term on Sunday with over 70 percent of the vote, extending his rule over the world’s largest country for six more years. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JKE1)
SEATTLE, WA—Calling on facts and information learned while listening to a podcast about the Watergate scandal the previous night, 38-year-old systems analyst Ryan Graham burst into a conversation about current events between coworkers Monday and, guns fucking blazing, unleashed the full force of his newfound…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JK3P)
WARREN, MI—Saying the establishment was both close to the airport and just off the highway, your dad announced Monday that he knows of a great hotel just 10 miles away from the city you’re visiting. “It’s a pretty good deal, and if you do decide to head downtown, they have a shuttle bus that can drop you off at the…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JK3Q)
DOVER, DE—Getting quickly sidetracked by the mistakes on the insurance company’s “See My Benefits†page, local hacker Ben Kerrigan resolved Monday to just fix a few annoying typos on Guaranteed Health’s website before stealing their customer data. “Jesus, there are so many misspellings and doubled-up words in this…Read more...
by Slim Jim on (#3JK0K)
Absolute joy to rub it in the faces of coworkers who doubted you.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JJQ8)
BARTLETT, TN—Saying he didn’t deserve to be treated like a pervert for the rest of his life because of one stupid mistake, local man Michael Horne told reporters Monday that it was completely unfair he ended up on the state’s sex offender registry just for public urination on a child. “It’s super fucked up that I’m in…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JJQ9)
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by The Onion on (#3JJN1)
Toys ‘R’ Us is in the process of filing to liquidate its business, a move that would close all 800 locations in the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JJCC)
ATLANTIC OCEAN—Concerned that the unappealing affliction would spoil his plans for a romantic evening, an embarrassed right whale was reportedly panicking Monday after having a huge barnacle outbreak before an upcoming date. “Oh god, I look terrible, they’re all over my face,†said the mortified cetacean, scrambling…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JCWN)
Automaker Ford issued a recall for 1.4 million Ford Fusion and Lincoln MKZ model cars after discovering their steering wheels may pop off while driving leading to an “increased risk of crash.†What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JCGY)
CHICAGO—Recognizing the aid the organization has provided to young people struggling to escape the pressure cooker of the nation’s most prestigious universities, officials from the educational nonprofit Teach For America are celebrating three decades of helping recent graduates pad out their law school applications,…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JCEJ)
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by The Onion on (#3JCBZ)
MOORESVILLE, NC—Saying the innovation would be useful for both professional contractors and DIY-ers alike, home improvement giant Lowe’s introduced Friday a two-way ladder with added functionality that allows users to climb down. “With our new, easy-to-use bi-directional ladder, you can say goodbye to shimmying down…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JC9P)
MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its platform, Facebook announced at a press conference Friday a new initiative to combat fake news by making the inaccurate stories on the social media site actually happen.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JC6P)
LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3JBX5)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3JBQM)
NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,†casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JBMN)
Topping last year’s winning flavor of black licorice, a new survey reveals that buttered popcorn is the nation’s favorite jelly bean flavor. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JBJA)
GULFPORT, MS—Assuring the prospective buyers that they couldn’t find this kind of charm in newer builds, a local doll realtor reportedly glossed over the giant hinged opening in the middle of the house Thursday during a tour. “Yes, some of the design features are a bit unique, but don’t forget that with this property,…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JA2R)
Teenagers from 3,000 schools across the country staged a walkout for 17 minutes on Wednesday—a tribute to the 17 killed at Parkland, FL—to protest gun violence. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JA0W)
WAYNE, NJ—Offering a supportive “you did the best you could,†an Iron Man action figure voiced by despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO David Brandon reportedly provided consolation to the executive as he slowly taped up a box of family photos and Hot Wheels cars and tracks. “We all know you gave it your all and there was…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3JBTV)
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by The Onion on (#3J9K7)
CHICAGO, IL—Confirming an exciting new foray into non-traditional revenue streams, The Onion announced Thursday that it has hired several industry-leading chefs away from pastry giant Entenmann’s in order to form their own mass-retail bakery. “We’re eager to announce that we’ve taken on the talents of Entenmann’s…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3J9K8)
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by The Onion on (#3J9DC)
HAWTHORNE, CA—Kicking himself as the full scope of his ignorance dawned on him, Elon Musk reportedly admitted his embarrassment Thursday after realizing he was proposing an idea for a thing that already exists. “You’ve got to be kidding me—I’ve been pouring all this money and energy into developing a concept that’s…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J99E)
WASHINGTON—Citing data from across every economic sector, a report published Thursday by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics found that 99 percent of U.S. employees would use their boss as a human shield in a workplace attack. “According to our research, the first thing most American workers would do when confronted with…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J92R)
REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Describing the high-visibility pyrotechnic device as a “sweet yet earthy 20,000-candlepower blend of shea butter and essential tree oils,†Bath & Body Works unveiled its new Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare, sources reported Wednesday. “What better way to calm your nerves and divert traffic from your…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J8WM)
Multiple high-profile cases involving police officers who were exonerated after committing criminal acts, including killings, have shone a spotlight on the frequent lack of accountability for law enforcement. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how cops can get away with crimes.Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J8SY)
A NASA study in which astronaut Scott Kelly lived at the International Space Station for one year while his identical twin brother, Mark Kelly, remained on Earth found a 7 percent change in genes as a result of staying in space, including those involved in the immune system. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J8SZ)
BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. “We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but…Read more...