| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-02-07 07:47 |
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on (#6P5YK)
WASHINGTON-Trapped beneath nearly five pounds of aluminum and plastic, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly unable to move Thursday after his body was pinned beneath a derailed model train. Oh God, help me-somebody help!" said Buttigieg, who cried out in pain and anguish as he lay on a plush area...Read more...
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on (#6P5SB)
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has introduced impeachment articles against Supreme Court Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito for failure to disclose gifts and recuse themselves from certain cases. The Onion explores the pros and cons of impeaching everyone on the highest court in the land.Read more...
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on (#6P53C)
SAN FRANCISCO-Describing the new service as a game changer" for its most loyal customers, telehealth company Hims opened a brick-and-mortar brothel Wednesday with the aim of boosting men's confidence. Hims is proud to launch its first-ever house of prostitution, which employs hundreds of highly trained sex workers...Read more...
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on (#6P3WW)
NEW YORK-Surveying an alley in an attempt to piece together what had gone on here last night, investigators reportedly looked up at the window of an apartment building this morning and speculated that perhaps old Mrs. Howard had seen something. According to neighborhood sources, the 83-year-old shut-in, who has lived...Read more...
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on (#6P3AV)
For Joe Biden, the next few days will be a make or break moment for his campaign. After a bad debate performance, many high-ranking officials and Democratic donors have called for him to bow out, and for another candidate, perhaps Kamala Harris, Gretchen Whitmer, or Gavin Newsom, to step up.Read more...
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on (#6P3AX)
LONDON-As the prestigious tennis event entered the quarterfinals, unenthused sources confirmed Tuesday that although Wimbledon continued to try to excite us, the ball still just went back and forth all day. We really wish we could get excited by the ball going back and forth, but it's simply not happening," said...Read more...
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on (#6P34X)
ATLANTA-Passing the time by inventing random things to penalize him for, bored officials at consumer credit reporting agency Equifax told reporters Tuesday they were seeing how far they could lower Danville, VA resident Scott Arkin's credit score before he decided to kill himself. It's a slow day at the office, so we...Read more...
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on (#6P34Y)
WASHINGTON-According to a study of fertility trends conducted by the Pew Research Center and published Tuesday, more women of childbearing age are choosing to forgo in vitro fertilization in favor of hoping a surprise baby simply falls out when they are in the bathroom relieving themselves. Rather than paying a...Read more...
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on (#6P28K)
WALTHAM, MA-Heeding his supervisor's order to get rid of the excess newborn mechanical quadrupeds, tearful Boston Dynamics engineer Leon Rosoff was forced Monday to drown several unwanted robot puppies. I'm so sorry, little robofellas, but we don't have the funding to maintain all of you," said a sniffling Rosoff,...Read more...
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on (#6P28M)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming they didn't have anything like it back home, tourist Greg Foskey told reporters during his trip to California this week that he was excited to try one of those vegetables he'd heard so much about. Whenever you mention California, people always bring up the vegetables, and I want to see what...Read more...
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on (#6P28N)
NEWTON, MA-Saying the role player's peanut intolerance had pulled them entirely out of the fantasy experience, sources confirmed Monday that LARPer Gabe Collins' food allergies were ruining their sense of immersion. It's obviously a serious condition, but it's kind of hard to imagine myself as a chivalrous squire...Read more...
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on (#6P0H4)
The Supreme Court recently made it more difficult to prosecute Donald Trump in his election interference case, ruling 6-3 along ideological lines to grant him partial immunity from criminal charges. The Onion explores the pros and cons of bolstering Trump's presidential power by making any core" constitutional act...Read more...
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on (#6NZVZ)
On July 1, Steve Bannon reported to federal prison to serve a four-month sentence for acting in contempt of Congress. The Onion followed the former Trump advisor and far-right figurehead for 24 hours behind bars.
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on (#6NYG7)
WASHINGTON-In a partial victory for the former president, the Supreme Court ruled this week that Donald Trump has immunity for any crime committed between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. during his time in the White House. Whether it be bribery, fraud, assassination, or a coup, the president is entitled to immunity...Read more...
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on (#6NY7M)
THE HEAVENS-Groaning as He surveyed the massive piles of souls, a stressed-out God confirmed Tuesday that He had not realized He was supposed to reincarnate all those dead people. Oh, shit, that was my job?" said the Lord God Almighty, who shook His head and muttered, There's, like, 117 billion of these things," as...Read more...
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on (#6NXB8)
A new survey suggests that members of Gen Z are falling for misinformation about sun protection at an alarmingly high rate. In an era where UV rays are more harmful than ever before, here the biggest misconceptions 12- to 27-year-olds have about sunscreen.
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on (#6NXB9)
NEW YORK-Drawing intense criticism from climate activists over her enormous carbon footprint, Taylor Swift reportedly came under fire Monday after aviation journalists located her idling plane double-parked outside a Manhattan store. Taylor Swift's reliance on gas-guzzling private jets continued today when she burned...Read more...
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on (#6NV59)
ATLANTA-Leaving millions of viewers across the nation alarmed and confused, CNN reportedly cut to black Thursday as Hillary Clinton rushed the presidential debate stage. The moderator had just asked Trump and Biden a question about Ukraine when suddenly the camera started shaking, and there she was," said 38-year-old...Read more...
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on (#6NV3W)
WASHINGTON-With the first presidential debate of the 2024 election cycle airing tonight, Americans across the country told reporters Thursday that they couldn't believe they were saying this, but they don't want to watch TV. I know it sounds crazy, but I have absolutely zero urge to turn on my TV tonight," said Ohio...Read more...
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on (#6NV1V)
ATLANTA-Checking in at the building's visitor desk under the singular name Janitor," the Trump boys reportedly broke into an office at CNN headquarters Thursday, attempting to steal the debate answers for their father. All we gotta do is find Mr. Tapper's office and steal the answer key," said Don Jr. to his brother...Read more...
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on (#6NTKZ)
Before the first presidential debate of 2024, CNN has released a list of rules and regulations that both candidates must follow. The following are the guidelines that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump must adhere to during their 90 minutes on stage.
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on (#6NT0F)
President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump are set to face off for the first presidential debate of 2024 in Atlanta, GA. The Onion breaks down the most critical facts and figures of the highly anticipated CNN debate, hosted by Jake Tapper and Dana Bash.
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on (#6NT0G)
SANTA CRUZ, CA-Staring in awe as the gasping, waddling figure struggled to pull himself to shore, eye witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a naked man spotted emerging from the ocean must have just finished evolving. Oh my god, look at that thing, it's making its way out of the water and, for the first time, using its...Read more...
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on (#6NSPT)
MANACOR, SPAIN-Expressing regret about missing the amazing event," Rafael Nadal announced this week that he has officially withdrawn from Wimbledon in order to spend more time pressing his tennis racket against his face to make waffle marks, adding that he would now be referred to as Waffle Face. As I near...Read more...
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on (#6NSPV)
LONDON-In an effort to correct the imperial power's past wrongs, London's Science Museum was reportedly forced Wednesday to return the fire exhibit originally plundered from the gods. After extensive negotiations with the deities, we are proud to announce that fire will soon be returned to its rightful home on Mount...Read more...
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on (#6NSJF)
MOSCOW-In an effort to strengthen ties with outside groups two years into Russia's widely condemned invasion of Ukraine, an increasingly isolated Vladimir Putin confirmed Wednesday that he had tried joining an adult kickball league. I found this intramural league that plays in central Moscow, and kickball might be a...Read more...
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on (#6NRNC)
SANTA ROSA, CA-Admitting that they normally would not have embraced someone whose life was such a goddamn shitshow, local woman Tara Lopez told reporters Tuesday that her sister's deadbeat boyfriend was doing wonders for the rest of her family's self-esteem. At first we hated the fact that he was an unemployed,...Read more...
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on (#6NRND)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA-Outfitting its landing page with a pop-up alert, Google announced Tuesday that everyone's got to chill with these depressing search inquiries," going so far as to suggest internet users save it for [their] therapist" instead. Our search engine is intended for use as a tool-it's not here to serve...Read more...
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on (#6NRN5)
TOKYO-In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American tourist Max Deacon is said to have immediately broken 34 sacred local customs Tuesday while disembarking from his plane in Tokyo. Deacon, who somehow had no idea he was being offensive in any way, shape,...Read more...
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on (#6NR7H)
The Republican Governor of Louisiana Jeff Landry recently signed a law requiring state's classrooms to display a copy of the Ten Commandments. The Onion explores the pros and cons of requiring religious doctrine in public schools.
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on (#6NQYC)
MANAUS, BRAZIL-Plotting out his schedule for the rest of the day, local sloth Jim Garra confirmed Monday that he was thinking of maybe hanging from a tree for another 80 or so hours. I think I'll just cling to this branch continually over the next three or four days and then also after that," said the arboreal...Read more...
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on (#6NQYD)
PHILADELPHIA-Noting an explosion in the frequency of the name in the years following the reality program's debut, a new study published Monday found a correlation between the popularity of the Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch and the nation's sharp uptick in children named Crab. Looking at naming trends over the...Read more...
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on (#6NNRQ)
Former President Donald Trump has yet to announce his running mate for the 2024 election and is reportedly still considering several different candidates. The Onion breaks down exactly what Trump is expecting from his next vice president.
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on (#6NPDP)
The Supreme Court recently struck down a rule banning bump stocks, which have been used in several high-profile mass shootings to inflict maximum damage. The Onion explores the pros and cons of using these devices that allow semiautomatic rifles to fire almost as fast as machine guns.
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