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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 12:45 |
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on (#6AG0W)
WASHINGTON—After watching from the stands Sunday as Louisiana State University defeated the University of Iowa in the NCAA women’s basketball championship, first lady Jill Biden announced that she would invite all women who had ever touched a basketball to visit the White House. “I would like to extend a warm welcome…Read more...
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on (#6AEQ1)
After former president Donald Trump was indicted last week by a New York grand jury, The Onion asked politicians what they thought about the charges and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AEB4)
Take this practice test to see if you have the guts, courage, and ruthlessness to pass a police officer entrance exam.Read more...
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on (#6ACKJ)
The Food and Drug Administration has approved selling the overdose-reversal drug Narcan without a prescription, a move long sought by advocates to aid the national response to the opioid crisis. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ACH4)
PALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long journey—almost 10 days, by my count—but they’ll never think to look for me…Read more...
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on (#6ACFH)
In order to PUT AN END TO THE INJUSTICE perpetrated by Manhattan District Attorney ALVIN BRAGG’s recent INDICTMENT of our BELOVED LEADER, MAGA PATRIOTS can now DONATE HERE to HELP PROTECT OUR BEAUTIFUL PRESIDENT TRUMP. The BEST PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD is under ATTACK by a POLITICALLY MOTIVATED WITCH HUNT…Read more...
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on (#6ABFX)
Police are suing the rapper Afroman for invasion of privacy after the artist used home security footage in his music videos of officers raiding his home on unfounded suspicions of drug trafficking and kidnapping. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ABE1)
PLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental hygienist. “I’ve always been passionate about dental hygiene, and I’m very excited to…Read more...
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on (#6AAW3)
HBO drama Succession kicked off its hotly anticipated fourth and final season on Sunday, and The Onion’s team of indentured television experts convened to predict what will happen over the show’s final episodes.
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on (#6A9N3)
A new study has found that people with social anxiety may benefit from mindfulness therapy combined with exposure to odors from others’ sweat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A9N5)
RALEIGH, NC—Multitasking with the phone on speaker, local man Tim Cahan was clearly just waiting for his turn to speak Wednesday rather than really listening to what the automated menu had to say. Sources confirmed that, despite the menu selections having changed since their last conversation, Cahan barely paid…Read more...
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on (#6A92Z)
NEW YORK—In a dramatic twist that shocked viewers who had waited more than a year for a new episode of the HBO drama, Sunday’s season premiere of Succession featured an unexpected reappearance of the show’s shadowy Dr. Succession character. “Longtime fans of the series were appalled and delighted when its powerful but…Read more...
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on (#6A8X6)
PLAINS, GA—Calling the split entirely amicable and long overdue, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter confirmed their divorce to the press in statement released Tuesday. “Frankly, we both couldn’t be more excited to put our respective pasts behind us and embark on the next chapter of our lives,” read a joint statement released…Read more...
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on (#6A8G7)
CHICAGO—Extolling the virtues of the cracked polyethylene container, local real estate agent Thomas Bartlett was reportedly trying to pass off an apartment’s window box planter Thursday as something called a “Romanian balcony.” “Now this feature is a real treat—simply open up the window, and voilà, you have your own…Read more...
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on (#6A8C0)
While many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6A7VA)
North Korea said it has tested a nuclear-capable underwater attack drone designed to launch a “radioactive tsunami,” with leader Kim Jong-un vowing to make his rivals “plunge into despair.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A7MK)
NASHVILLE, TN—In the hours following a violent rampage in Tennessee in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...
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on (#6A7FF)
LARAMIE, WY—Explaining that she made sure to educate in a fair, unbiased way, local teacher Miranda Osness confirmed Monday that she didn’t discriminate between Black students and the students she gave A’s to. “The African American students are just as capable and perform just as well as the students I decide to…Read more...
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on (#6A76P)
A former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6A76Q)
The federal government outlined a plan to revamp the nation’s organ transplant system, which has over 100,000 patients on the waiting list and has been plagued by problems, including damaged or discarded organs and long wait times. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A74P)
NEW YORK—Bemoaning the hustle and bustle of his cosmopolitan lifestyle, local city dweller Scott Braintree confirmed Monday that he wished he could move into the countryside and just hammer nails into planks for a living or whatever they do. “Man, no more traffic jams or grinding it out at work—just leave the big city…Read more...
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on (#6A55Z)
NEW YORK—Pleading for a little extra time to scroll their “For You” page, the nation asked Friday if it could have just five more minutes on TikTok before Congress banned it. “We just want to finish this four-part video of this woman discussing her terrible date before you take our app away—pretty please?” said…Read more...
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on (#6A4PS)
An Idaho hospital has planned to stop delivering babies, with the medical center’s managers citing increasing criminalization of physicians and the inability to retain pediatricians as major reasons. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A4P7)
While over 14 million people attempted to buy Taylor Swift tickets, only 2.4 million were actually sold. The Onion asked Swifties how they managed to snag tickets to the Eras Tour, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6A46H)
NEW YORK—Saying he had fallen for her the moment he realized she valued money over truth just as much as he did, News Corp and Fox News chair Rupert Murdoch told reporters Thursday he knew his fiancée was the one when she repeatedly lied to the public about loving him. “What can I say? I’ve truly met my match,” the…Read more...
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on (#6A46J)
NEW YORK—Tracing the origins of a group that now makes up 5% of the U.S. population, a historian has uncovered documents that reveal the first Italian immigrant to reach America did so by boarding a boat on accident while she chased someone with a wooden spoon. “A ship’s manifest from 1635 records as a passenger one…Read more...
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on (#6A42B)
LITTLE ST. JAMES, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Questioning whether all their upkeep efforts might be going to waste, the housekeeping staff of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reportedly started to wonder Thursday if anyone was coming back. “We’ve been hard at work making sure that everything is neat and tidy for the next…Read more...
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on (#6A26B)
WASHINGTON—Looking for a fun diversion on a boring Wednesday afternoon, a group of high-powered D.C. lobbyists reportedly paid a couple senators five bucks to fight each other. “Here it is, a crisp fiver to the winner—now fight, you fucking losers,” said U.S. Chamber of Commerce CEO Suzanne Clark as members of Ernst…Read more...
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on (#6A1ND)
On the 20th anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, it’s important for us as a nation to reflect on that conflict and its consequences. As the vice president of the United States in 2003, I was one of the architects of the project to go after Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction. Today, I believe it’s…Read more...
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on (#6A1FW)
FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which alumni are in hell now. “Every monthly bulletin does a couple features on…Read more...
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on (#6A1G5)
WASHINGTON—Slurring his words as he forcefully gestured at reporters with a brown-bagged bottle, actor Jason Sudeikis reportedly took the White House lectern during a press conference on mental healthcare to drunkenly rant about how Harry Styles ruined his life. “Mental health is an important way to get a handle…Read more...
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on (#6A1FX)
PLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. “I’m not at a point in my life right now where I want to take on the responsibility of…Read more...
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on (#6A12Y)
WASHINGTON—Claiming the new system would make things simpler for everyone and avoid confusing mix-ups, Congress passed a joint resolution Tuesday that would reclassify every citizen’s race according to their net worth. “It is resolved by the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives that any American whose wealth…Read more...
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on (#6A0ZG)
Dunkin’ has quietly pulled the Dunkaccino from the coffee chain’s menus, ending a more than two-decade run for the fan-favorite drink that mixed together coffee and hot chocolate as the company focuses on innovation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A0ZB)
DICKINSON, ND—Needing a release from the current drama going on around her, local woman Amber Westmoore told reporters Tuesday that she was going to give her friend a call on the way home to take her mind off the dangerous road conditions. “The low visibility is really stressing me out, and Meredith can always calm me…Read more...
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on (#6A0ZC)
GENEVA—Promising the fastest and most accurate results in the market, Swiss Precision Diagnostics introduced a new at-home Clearblue test Tuesday that tells users if they’re beautiful. “There’s nothing worse than uncertainty, but with the all-new Clearblue Rapid Detection Beauty Test, you can know for sure if you’re…Read more...
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