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on (#6KP3Z)
LOS ANGELES-Saying the channel would do everything in its power to make up for the writer and producer's years of toxic, abusive behavior, Nickelodeon announced Thursday that Dan Schneider had been chemically castrated with slime. While in his powerful position at Nickelodeon, Mr. Schneider harassed child stars and...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 23:18 |
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on (#6KP40)
IRVINE, CA-Rolling out the new menu item in a national ad campaign, Taco Bell introduced a limited-time burrito Thursday that will reportedly do its best to satisfy people's hunger, but there are no guarantees in this crazy world. Though we've done everything in our power to create a burrito that will assuage our...Read more...
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on (#6KP41)
YICHANG, CHINA-Feeling an unfamiliar tinge of emptiness midway through his 117-nation excursion, Indiana resident Larry Hough reported Wednesday that abandoning his family back in Fort Wayne in order to visit a McDonald's in every foreign country was not as satisfying an endeavor as he had imagined. Huh, is it...Read more...
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on (#6KP1V)
The social media site Reddit successfully launched an IPO last week that raised $748 million. The Onion examines what Reddit users can expect now that the company has gone public.Read more...
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on (#6KP1W)
The NFL completely overhauled its kickoff rules, taking elements used in the XFL in an effort to make the play a more integral part of the game and decrease the number of touchbacks to keep the ball in play. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KP1X)
WASHINGTON-Having acknowledged that his behavior was completely uncalled for no matter how rude the U.S. populace had acted, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona was fired Wednesday after he reportedly threw a chair at the nation. Unfortunately, Secretary Cardona got into an argument with the nation yesterday that...Read more...
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on (#6KNNH)
The Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed yesterday after a 948-foot cargo ship struck it departing the port, causing the governor to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KNBT)
CHICAGO-Pleading with animal rescue authorities as they wrestled him into the back of a van, local pit bull mix Pistol stated Wednesday that he likes fighting for money. But I'm so good at it-please!" said Pistol, who reportedly panicked as he caught one last glimpse of the beloved dog-fighting compound he called...Read more...
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on (#6KNBV)
DANVILLE, KY-Determined to complete the task though her progress was slowed by the root vegetable continually slipping from her arthritic grasp, local grandmother Dolores Wheeler reportedly spent all of Wednesday peeling a single potato. We really want to help her, but anytime one of us goes in there, she shoos us...Read more...
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on (#6KN4R)
While the popular weight loss drug Ozempic might seem like a godsend, the medication is not without its downsides, including a laundry list of potential health complications. The following are the worst side effects that Ozempic users don't want you to know about.Read more...
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on (#6KN4T)
A New York appeals court ruled that it would accept a bond of $175 million, reduced from $454 million, from Donald Trump, preventing the attorney general from collecting the former president's assets while he appeals the judgment against him. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KMQT)
Close on the heels of King Charles III's cancer diagnosis, Catherine, Princess of Wales, revealed that she has also been diagnosed with cancer and has begun chemotherapy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KMHR)
WASHINGTON-Saying it was high time" she made a more serious investment in her career, Vice President Kamala Harris confided to reporters Tuesday that she had joined a coworking space in the D.C. area. It's a pretty big expense to take on, but it ought to be worth it for the networking opportunities, which I'm hoping...Read more...
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on (#6KMHS)
Two years after overturning Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court is this week hearing arguments in a case that could curtail or eliminate nationwide access to mifepristone, commonly known as the abortion pill. Here are some of the things that could happen when the court eventually issues its decision.Read more...
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on (#6KMEK)
INDIANAPOLIS-Let down by the absence of spectacle and suspense she had come to expect from the show, longtime Chicago Fire fan Tina Berk told reporters Tuesday she was disappointed by the new season's focus on nothing but the characters nonchalantly responding to false alarms. So far it's mostly been driving," said...Read more...
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on (#6KMEM)
NEW YORK-Sighing deeply as he closed his overcoat yet again and kicked in dismay at the scattered alleyway trash, local man Frank Pendrowski told reporters Tuesday he wasn't sure what more he could possibly do to make women he flashes love him. For years I've put myself out there, exposing my genitals to passersby,...Read more...
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on (#6KMBC)
NEW YORK-Issuing a public statement for immediate release, Weight Watchers announced they had gone totally ham on some nachos at approximately 10 p.m. Monday and that's okay, they're not going to beat themselves up over it. Just so everyone knows, last night we absolutely housed a huge plate of nachos, they were...Read more...
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on (#6KM7Q)
Donald Trump has heaped incredible amounts of praise onto Vladimir Putin, especially as both men attempt to undermine the credibility American democracy. The following are the biggest compliments Trump has paid to the Russian president.Read more...
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on (#6KKR3)
LONDON-Saying the accusations made against him over the years were not just disgusting but patently false, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, told reporters Monday the scandal over his alleged pedophilia was just Buckingham Palace's attempt to cover up his ongoing battle with cancer. Sadly, rather than being honest about a...Read more...
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on (#6KKF4)
Today is the deadline for Donald Trump to pay his $454 million fine for fraud, and if he fails to meet his obligation, the New York attorney general could take action to seize his most prized possessions. Here are the ways financial experts say the presumptive Republican nominee could raise a half-billion dollars.Read more...
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on (#6KKF5)
Doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital successfully transplanted the kidney of a genetically modified pig into a man suffering from end-stage kidney disease in a major milestone to alleviate the shortage of organs for people on the transplant waiting list. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KKF6)
WASHINGTON-Repeatedly asking if anyone else felt cold as they clutched their protruding elbows and rubbed their visible clavicles, the nation's bony women announced Thursday that they were shivering. Oh, my god, is it freezing in here, or is it just us?" said a gaunt 65-year-old Shayna Summers who, with several...Read more...
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on (#6KKF8)
UVALDE, TX-In the wake of a devastating school shooting and reports that his officers did not receive adequate active-shooter training, an investigation showed Monday that Uvalde Police Chief Daniel Rodriguez waited nearly two years in the parking lot outside his office before finally entering the building to resign....Read more...
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on (#6KKB7)
SUNNYVALE, CA-Shaking their heads at the 32-year-old's typical lack of financial savvy, sources confirmed Thursday that irresponsible millennial Sean Drever was wasting money on coffee instead of pulling out a handgun and robbing everyone in the store. He's reaching into his jacket for his wallet to buy yet another...Read more...
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on (#6KKB8)
In what many are calling one of the most hotly anticipated sporting events of the season, YouTube influencer turned boxer Jake Paul will face off this summer against former world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. Here's everything we know so far about the boxing match.Read more...
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on (#6KJ4G)
The Justice Department filed an antitrust lawsuit against Apple, alleging that they engaged in practices to create a monopoly and keep customers reliant on their iPhones. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KJ1W)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-Bereft of the sort of close companions who would intervene before he took such a drastic step, local man Bill Delaney had no one in his life to stop him from posting a lengthy video condemning the new film Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, sources confirmed Friday. According to insiders with knowledge of...Read more...
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on (#6KJ1X)
GOTHAM CITY-Nervous about visiting their cousin after hearing reports that a homicidal prankster was on the loose somewhere in the area, local man Mike Turnbull's relatives reportedly acted Friday as if they were going to be assaulted by a deranged clown the instant they set foot in Gotham City. Like any other town,...Read more...
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on (#6KJ1Y)
Oprah Winfrey's new special Shame, Blame And The Weight Loss Revolution explores the effects GLP-1 drugs such as Ozempic might have on the obesity epidemic and recounts the talk show host's own weight loss journey. Here's a rundown of everything we learned from the special.Read more...
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on (#6KJ1Z)
LOS ANGELES-Following the release of the sequel's first trailer, fans and critics praised Beetlejuice Beetlejuice director Tim Burton for opting to use actual demonic forces in his film rather than attempting to recreate them using CGI. It's honestly so refreshing to see a modern production using good old-fashioned...Read more...
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on (#6KHS7)
A new World Happiness Report from Gallup found that the United States is no longer among the 20 happiest countries in the world for the first time in the report's 12-year history, now ranking only 23rd compared to 15th last year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KHS8)
COLUMBUS, OH-Saying the roster was absolutely stacked with nimble little guys, sources confirmed Friday that every player on Fosser University's Division III men's basketball team was 5 feet, 9 inches tall. Well, technically the center is 5-foot-9 and a half, and the shooting guard is 5-foot-8 and three quarters, but...Read more...
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on (#6KHS9)
SHEBOYGAN, WI-Cowering with visible terror as the demand reverberated from the dank, cavernous space, Ricker family sources confirmed Friday that a deep bellow of I'm hungry" had rolled out of their teenage son Caleb's animal-bone-filled den. Feed me! Put it in my mouth! More! More now!" the 15-year-old said in...Read more...
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on (#6KHSA)
NEW YORK-In a breakthrough finding that sheds light on the keen perceptive abilities of the age group, a Columbia University study published Friday revealed that vicious sixth-grade girls were able to detect a single drop of menstrual blood on an outfit from up to one mile away. Our research confirms the popular...Read more...
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on (#6KHRQ)
Like other sources of human happiness, gambling is a serious disease. If you do any of the following things, you could be addicted to sports betting.Read more...
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on (#6KHD7)
Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey (R) signed into law a sweeping bill that prohibits public schools and universities from maintaining or funding diversity, equity, and inclusion programs, as well as also requiring public universities to designate restrooms on the basis of biological sex." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KHD8)
BEL AIR, CA-Marking a stark pivot in her career, Beyonce revealed the new cover Thursday for her forthcoming country album, which features the pop star toothless and hunched over, sharing a jar of moonshine with her pet possum, Angus. This iconic, generation-defining album cover proves Beyonce is taking this...Read more...
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on (#6KH51)
PALM BEACH, FL-With time running out for the former president to secure a bond to cover the penalty in his New York civil fraud case, Donald Trump was seen Thursday frantically digging holes around Mar-a-Lago in hopes of striking $454 million in oil. Look, all I'm asking for here is a little black gold to make that...Read more...
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on (#6KH52)
The Environmental Protection Agency has for the first time banned all uses of asbestos, which is linked to various forms of cancer but is still employed in some industrial processes. The Onion explores the pros and cons of banning the controversial material.Read more...
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on (#6KGSV)
Former President Trump currently faces 91 felony counts in courts from Georgia and Florida to New York and Washington, D.C. Test your knowledge of the current Republican presidential candidate's ongoing criminal and civil cases with this quiz.Read more...
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on (#6KGSW)
WASHINGTON-Warning the American public about the powerful stench, a watchdog report released this week confirmed that a weird smell was coming from Arizona. Several corroborated accounts from Sun Belt sources close to the state indicate there is a decidedly off smell emanating from Arizona," the report read in part,...Read more...
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on (#6KGSC)
NAPERVILLE, IL-Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he'd been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food Thursday. Oh shit, that's not good," said Brauer, who, with a mouth full of...Read more...
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