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on (#6AW76)
MILWAUKEE—Shortly after strangling the life out of the assailant he had hunted for so long, local man Kevin Kennedy was said to be pleasantly surprised Monday to find that murdering his daughter’s killer had, in fact, brought her back to life. “Well, this is delightful, I really wasn’t expecting to see Maddy…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 14:31 |
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on (#6AW77)
NEW YORK—Confirming years of speculation about how your closest acquaintances behave when you aren’t around, a report released Monday revealed that your friends do impressions of you behind your back. “Our findings suggest that whenever you’re out of earshot, your friends mimic your tone of voice and mock your odd…Read more...
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on (#6AW3X)
A lost 1-year-old Australian shepherd survived a 150-mile trek across frozen Bering Sea ice before being safely returned to his home in Alaska. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AW3Y)
With Republicans critical of recent bills enforcing minimum age requirements for marriage, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why child marriage should be legal and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6ATC7)
SAN FRANCISCO—With the powerful Democrat making frequent appearances before her and urging her to resign her seat, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly faced increased pressure Friday from a hallucination of the late former President John F. Kennedy yelling at her to step down. “The party, Dianne! Think of the…Read more...
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on (#6ATAP)
INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning to regret his decision to work the event, National Rifle Association convention food vendor Tom Birkenshaw was reportedly being held up at gunpoint Friday by his 19th customer in a row. “What can I get for you—oh jeez, not again,” said Birkenshaw, who put his hands in the air as yet another NRA…Read more...
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on (#6ATAQ)
NAMPA, ID—Expressing their dismay with yet another product overtaken by the liberal conspiracy to destroy traditional lifestyles, conservatives around the country reportedly began boycotting computers Friday after noticing their keyboards could be used to type the word “trans.” “These woke keyboards are attempting to…Read more...
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on (#6AT8Q)
E-cigarette maker Juul Labs Inc. agreed to pay $462 million to settle claims by six U.S. states that it unlawfully marketed its addictive products to minors. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ASVC)
NEW ORLEANS—Growing more drunk and more reflective as the night went on, attendees at local man Benjamin Midwicki’s bachelor party Friday were reportedly celebrating the last day of his illusion of freedom. “Tonight, we’re going fucking ham in honor of your final day of freedom, if such a concept can be said to truly…Read more...
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on (#6ASSJ)
SEATTLE—Following a local mid-afternoon match among friends who could not explain the unknown player’s fleeting, mysterious presence, sources confirmed Friday that an Argentinian guy had materialized during a pickup soccer game and scored a goal before instantly disappearing. “He just straight-up appeared out of thin…Read more...
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on (#6ARGK)
AMARILLO, TX—In a detailed tutorial on what they described as one of the most basic rules for handling a weapon, instructors teaching a local gun safety course Thursday stressed the importance of always making sure a firearm was completely unloaded into a victim before storing it. “Every last bullet in the magazine,…Read more...
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on (#6ARET)
Tupperware, the 77-year-old U.S. maker of food storage containers, warned that it could go out of business unless it can quickly raise new financing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AQTT)
Medical experts at Moderna say they are confident that groundbreaking new vaccines for cancer, cardiovascular and autoimmune diseases, and other conditions will be ready by 2030 due to cutting-edge research into developing personalized mRNA vaccines. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AQ9K)
ST, JOSEPH, MI—Sighing as he opened the bumpy envelope, local boy Finn Gleason, nephew of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, reportedly received another birthday card from his uncle Thursday that was filled with gravel. “‘Don’t sprinkle it all in one place! Love, Uncle Pete,’” the 9-year-old read aloud, brushing…Read more...
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on (#6AQ8N)
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying this was by far the best option given their financial situation, San Francisco real estate agent Harry Evans reportedly showed a couple earning a sub-six-figure salary Wednesday around the neighborhood’s best tent city. “So we obviously have a lovely view here of the park, great flap to this…Read more...
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on (#6AQ7Y)
JERSEY CITY, NJ—Urging employees to refrain from touching any of the items that had been neatly arranged in the wicker basket, local company Green Innovation clarified to employees Wednesday that the feminine hygiene products located in the office bathroom were purely decorative. “Please note that all pads and tampons…Read more...
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on (#6AQ70)
The Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama apologized Monday after a video that showed him asking a boy to suck his tongue triggered a backlash on social media. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6APPQ)
PALO ALTO, CA—Warning of the potentially explicit applications of a tool that has become widely available to the public, tech experts reported feeling unsettled Tuesday by a felt-tip marker’s ability to draw two big breast-like circles with dots in the center of them. “This technology allows almost anyone to…Read more...
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on (#6AP3C)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pulling aside his nephew and providing him with completely unsolicited guidance, local uncle Mitch Fulton, 55, reportedly offered dating advice Tuesday that qualified as a sex crime. “He asked me if I wanted a sip of his beer and then told me, ‘You know, buddy, if you ever want to get the girls,…Read more...
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on (#6AP21)
HOUSTON—Scolding her class for jumping to their feet prematurely, local teacher Jana Stoebel reportedly stated, “The sound of gunfire doesn’t dismiss you, I do,” on Tuesday, forcing the students to sit back down. “Did I say you could get back up?” said the stern 4th-grade instructor, who told her class there would be…Read more...
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on (#6AN2E)
CHICAGO—Mindlessly shoveling the dry meat into his mouth while staring at the television, local dad Ron Guadiano was reportedly snacking on a bowl of ground beef Monday. Family sources confirmed that Guadiano had retrieved from the refrigerator a dish filled with a pound of leftover ground beef and, with no attempt…Read more...
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on (#6AKCT)
GARY, IN—Asserting that the jurist had shown clear ethical lapses in accepting lavish gifts and globe-trotting trips from Republican megadonor Harlan Crow, the Supreme Court reportedly dispatched Justice Clarence Thomas on a disciplinary trip to Gary, IN Friday. “The associate justice displayed evident poor judgment…Read more...
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on (#6AK0F)
MESA, AZ—Saying that being crushed to death wasn’t even close to the worst part of his night, local man James Hanson confirmed Friday that he was annoyed to be dying at the concert of an artist he barely even liked. “Wow, this sucks—I can’t believe I have to spend the entire night listening to music I’m not even…Read more...
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on (#6AJD4)
ANTAKYA, TURKEY—Adding previously unknown context to the biblical story of Easter, the text of a newly discovered first-century papyrus scroll released to the public Thursday suggests that Jesus hid out in His tomb for a few extra days while an abuse scandal within His ministry blew over. “If I can just cool My heels…Read more...
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on (#6AJB6)
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Succumbing before the launch even took place to a sudden and mysterious onset of what is being described as space madness, NASA astronauts reportedly went insane Thursday and killed each other immediately upon entering their rocket. According to sources, mere moments after stepping foot in the Orion…Read more...
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on (#6AJB5)
THE MEDITERRANEAN SEA—On the heels of a damning report detailing how Clarence Thomas accepted millions of dollars in lavish, unreported vacations from a Republican megadonor, sources confirmed Thursday that every justice on the U.S. Supreme Court read about the corruption allegations from different Mediterranean…Read more...
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on (#6AJB7)
NEW YORK—Claiming hundreds of thousands of dollars were secretly paid to keep the information out of the public eye, sources close to Donald Trump revealed Thursday that the former president had paid hush money to conceal the children he had in wedlock. “He knew that if it got out that he had these kids, it would…Read more...
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on (#6AJ8R)
BALTIMORE—Saying even a small amount could make a difference if it helped end the sprawling investigation into the church’s misdeeds, priests from the Archdiocese of Baltimore reportedly passed around collection plates Thursday from which sexual abuse victims could take their settlements. “Please, my children,…Read more...
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on (#6AJ66)
PALM BEACH, FL—Sheepishly approaching their stepmom after hearing about their father’s indictment, the Trump boys reportedly asked Melania Trump Thursday if they’d be getting a new daddy now. “Since our daddy is going away, do we have to get a whole new daddy now?” a bashful Eric Trump said from behind his pouting…Read more...
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on (#6AHTQ)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) has signed a bill allowing people to carry a concealed weapon in public without a government-issued permit, while also ending the requirement to undergo training before carrying a concealed weapon outside the home. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AHTR)
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to reports that Facebook maintains a large and active user base, Facebook parent company Meta confirmed Wednesday that the pioneering social media platform was now entirely memorialized accounts. “There hasn’t been too much activity since the last user passed away earlier this year,” said Meta…Read more...
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on (#6AHSE)
MILWAUKEE—Calling the measure “the only way” to prevent serious symptoms, the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology issued a report Thursday recommending that allergy sufferers retreat underground to form a pollen-free, cave-dwelling society. “Freedom from pain, freedom from pollen, freedom from itching…Read more...
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on (#6AHQJ)
Whether it’s in small towns or large cities, law enforcement officials are leaving their posts in record numbers across the United States. The Onion asked police officers to explain why they are resigning en masse, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AGJP)
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a move that would completely derail the contest through a toxic combination of resentment and hubris, a stranger whose unachieved athletic goals would ruin a pickup game at a local community basketball court Wednesday reportedly called next. “I got next game,” said the newcomer standing at the edge…Read more...
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on (#6AG7F)
PALM BEACH, FL—Addressing his most ardent supporters mere hours after his arrest on 34 counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump spent his prime-time speech Tuesday raving about Mar-a-Lago’s sea bass special. “It’s incredible, folks, so succulent—they don’t serve sea bass like this up in…Read more...
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