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| Updated | 2026-08-09 22:04 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7R)
NEW YORK-Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it's clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping [...]The post Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7Q)
WASHINGTON-In an apparent effort to tamp down on recent speculation about their relationship, Barack and Michelle Obama reportedly showed off their vibrant marriage Friday by inviting the nation to join them in the boudoir. Obviously, there have been some rumors swirling around myself and Michelle, and we'd like to put that to rest by letting [...]The post Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPTZ)
EAST HANOVER, NJ-As part of the health secretary's highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedlyshouted Show me where autism is made!" Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no [...]The post Show Me Where You Make Autism!' Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPR7)
The post Nation Can't Believe It On Harvard's Side appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN6)
WASHINGTON-Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife's head back on after fumbling the second lady. No, no, no, no!" cried out the 40-year-old vice president, who watched in shock and horror as Usha Vance's head slipped from his grasp and tumbled onto the [...]The post JD Vance Rushes To Put Wife's Head Back On After Fumbling Second Lady appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN7)
NEW HAVEN, CT-Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics [...]The post Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPH1)
CHICAGO-Stressing that the delicate subject should be broached sensitively and responsibly, parenting experts from the University of Chicago shared tips Thursday for talking to kids about being heir to the throne of a small European kingdom. Discovering their royal birthright as a small European nation's sovereign can be a rocky period in a child's life, [...]The post Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPH0)
CHICAGO-Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad offered three months of something called Apple Deli+.I just linked my iPad up to my Apple ID, and apparently my Meat Pass has been activated and I've been enrolled in [...]The post New iPad Offers 3 Months Of Something Called Apple Deli+ appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPGZ)
Since its construction in the late 18th century, this historic mansion has always been available to the highest bidder. Reference #19827The post Neoclassical Gem appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMS)
WILMINGTON, DE-Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. Oh gosh, that's not good, is it?" said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child's uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother's oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands [...]The post Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMR)
ARLINGTON, VA-In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder. Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord [...]The post God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMQ)
The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them.The post Alison Moore and Meghan Buress appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPQ)
Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you've changed. I've tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can't pretend any longer: You're not the man I married. You're significantly [...]The post You're Not The Man I Married-You're Significantly More Attractive And Loving appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPN)
This two-dimensional, hand-painted set of a street corner in Washington Heights, Manhattan, comes from a recent local high school production of In The Heights. Reference #78125The post Experience The Charm Of The Barrio appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM8Q)
WASHINGTON-During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador's president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he lacks the humanity" to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America. How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don't have the ability to feel [...]The post Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM65)
NEW YORK-Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn't ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no responsibilities. Given the state of the country, I just feel like I have no choice but to [...]The post Stephen A. Smith Hasn't Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM3A)
The post Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXH)
MEDINA, OH-Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn't been home in a few days.Huh, that's weird," said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of [...]The post Report: Wife Hasn't Been Home In Few Days appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXG)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a transformative experience," Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he'd gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes.When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I'd found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXF)
After months of feeling misunderstood and growing distant from each other, the couple put on a good show this weekend for their family and friends.The post Justin Gonzales and Hannah Ford appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJJ0)
The post Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJJ1)
The post The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAF)
CHICAGO-Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center.Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard-I'm not sure he'll ever compete in another Dunkin' race after an [...]The post Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAD)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive.Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit that can [...]The post New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAC)
The post Thirst Communion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAB)
Sarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son's erratic driving was going to get [them] all killed" was proven right.The post Sarah Miller appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPM)
SARASOTA, FL-As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both students and [...]The post Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPN)
WASHINGTON-Bragging that he had forced the world leader into total submission," President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. I said to him, Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,' and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in [...]The post Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPP)
The post Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHKQ)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-Confirming that the group's long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued three children stranded for more than nine months at Space Camp. At 12:07 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time today, 11-year-olds Lillian and Evan Peltier were safely returned to their home in Chattanooga, TN after an extended 286-day educational [...]The post NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDY)
WASHINGTON-Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked the airwaves Monday to broadcast photos of their children.People of the world, we call upon you to gaze on our sweet little ones immediately-especially Brandon, who is really cute as a button in his OshKosh B'Gosh," said [...]The post Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDX)
EL RENO, OK-Explaining to the server at local restaurant Sid's Diner that he only wanted one patty-not two-dainty little man Carlos Villarreal reportedly ordered a single cheeseburger Thursday.Oh dear, is this delicate fellow worried a burger with double meat would upset his tender tummy?" said onlooker Miles Friedmont, wondering aloud whether Villarreal was purchasing the [...]The post Dainty Little Man Orders Single Cheeseburger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDW)
The post Pebble Rattling Around In Shoe Turns Out To Be Loose Toe appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDV)
This place is pretty unremarkable, but hey, it's got a wine fridge! That's pretty fun! Don't worry about the foundation! Reference #68903The post It Has A Wine Fridge appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WGHE)
The post White House Revokes Biden's Veneers appeared first on The Onion.
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