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on (#6B67F)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to soothe public worry about how tech giants handled user information, social media platforms reassured the nation Wednesday that they were only selling everyone’s data to one creepy guy. “We know everyone is under the assumption that their private data is being sold to companies, advertisers,…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 11:00 |
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on (#6B654)
On April 24, Tucker Carlson was abruptly fired from his position as a Fox News host. The Onion sits down with the conservative political commentator to discuss what happened.Read more...
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on (#6B5WE)
WASHINGTON—During a tour of the Holocaust Memorial Museum that gave him occasion to consider how he might have acted in the face of grave injustice, D.C. tourist Tyler Henley told reporters Thursday he was confident that if he had lived in Nazi Germany he would turn Jews in out of fear. “If it really came down to it,…Read more...
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on (#6B5WF)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Digging through case files for something extra tasty, the Food and Drug Administration informed consumers Wednesday that it could definitely go for evaluating a big bag of chips right now. “Oh, man, I’d kill to evaluate a huge bag of sour cream and onion chips or something,” said FDA agent Kevin…Read more...
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on (#6B5RN)
The winner of a major photography award has refused his prize after revealing he created his work using AI to test the competition and to create a discussion about the future of photography. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B5RP)
BOSTON—Insisting that the former talk show host make amends for the real harm she had caused, laser-focused liberal Greg Lomax was reportedly still devoting all his attention this week to getting Ellen DeGeneres to apologize. “Until the day I die, I will not veer in my mission to see her issue a sincere apology for…Read more...
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on (#6B5R1)
CHICAGO—In an effort to take his young new partner under his wing, veteran police officer Trey Reynolds told rookie cop Brett Barnsdall on Wednesday that his firearm should only ever be drawn to secure early retirement, according to insiders. “A weapon as lethal as your gun should only be deployed as a last resort to…Read more...
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on (#6B4H3)
Twitter has again U-turned over its verification policy, restoring blue check marks free of charge to some celebrities and other high-profile users of the social network. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B4H4)
TUSCALOOSA, AL—As he shook his head and chuckled to himself at how small a world it was, sources reported Tuesday that local deadbeat dad Clayton Fowler had walked out on so many women and the children he fathered with them that he had accidentally abandoned his way back to his original family. “Ha, what do you know?…Read more...
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on (#6B4H5)
WASHINGTON—Noting that over 100,000 positions in the burgeoning sector had been added to the economy in the past month alone, a new report released Tuesday by the Labor Department found an encouraging rise in jobs that involve torturing somebody. “We’ve seen a massive spike in jobs that involve inflicting unfathomable…Read more...
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on (#6B4FP)
With an uptick in Americans getting shot simply for going to the wrong driveway, house, or car, The Onion asked gun owners to comment on “stand your ground” laws, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6B3WH)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to reinforce the fundamental Judeo-Christian values upon which the nation was founded, a new law passed Monday by the Texas Legislature will require the state’s public schools to prominently display an image of God hung like a horse in every classroom. “This measure ensures that any student…Read more...
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on (#6B3WJ)
WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Monday by Gallup, a majority of Americans stated they would respect President Joe Biden more if he shot them. “We found that Biden’s favorability among Americans on all ends of the political spectrum would increase to 75% if the president were to break into…Read more...
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on (#6B3DP)
Like many corporations across the country, Fox News requires its employees to complete annual racial discrimination training to foster accountability and community in the workplace. Here’s what the media giant uses to keep its workers in compliance with HR.Read more...
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on (#6B1GK)
SpaceX’s Starship rocket, the most powerful ever built, blasted off on an unpiloted maiden flight Thursday, flying for more than two minutes before exploding. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B1GM)
WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans should stay vigilant in the face of the disturbing trend, authorities reported an increase in threats Friday from any slight movements appearing out of the corner of your eye. “Even if you see some sort of vague blur looming in your periphery, our data suggest that you are…Read more...
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on (#6B1CP)
SpaceX applicants undergo a rigorous screening process to ensure they live up to the spacecraft manufacturer’s standards. Do you have what it takes to pass the company’s aptitude test and land the job?Read more...
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on (#6B0ZP)
CABO SAN LUCAS—In a show of support for the bride-to-be who had asked them to stand by her side on her wedding day, a bachelorette party confirmed Friday that they’d spent a combined $6,000 to end up hating each other. The party, which consisted of the bride’s six closest friends, all spent over $500 on round-trip…Read more...
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on (#6B0Y2)
With the 2024 election quickly approaching, The Onion asked Republican voters what issues were most important to them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6B0DE)
PHILADELPHIA—Announcing the company would dissolve its longtime partnership in light of the controversy over his fraudulent financial disclosures, telecommunications giant Comcast stated Thursday that ethical complaints against Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had forced it to drop him as a spokesperson. “It’s…Read more...
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on (#6AZRD)
SAVANNAH, GA—Saying she hoped to find a similar opportunity in a more desirable location, area woman Kristy Molloy reportedly rejected a lifestyle that 95% of the global population will never achieve Thursday when she turned down a job in Toledo, OH. “I guess I always pictured myself living in a place with a bit more…Read more...
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on (#6AZR3)
BRIDGEWATER, PA—Whisking him back to the seemingly endless hours he spent on lockdown all those years ago, a shooting Thursday at the office of Keystone Accountants reportedly made local tax preparer Josh Elias, 30, nostalgic for his elementary school days. “Wow, I heard all those ‘pop pop’ noises and screams, and it…Read more...
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on (#6AYG2)
WICHITA, KS—Touting the best and brightest residents who live within the mid-sized city’s borders, local magazine Wichita Monthly published a 30-under-30 list Wednesday that was all just people with normal careers. The multipage spread, which featured several headshots of average people, included lengthy biographies…Read more...
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on (#6AYG5)
DES MOINES, IA—Noting that his position made him the de facto first line of defense against an active shooter, employees at local company Corimer Interactive told reporters Wednesday they had assessed the front desk guy for his willingness to take a bullet. “Honestly, I don’t know much about him yet, but from what I…Read more...
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on (#6AYG7)
OLATHE, KS—Disappointed with the consequences of an increased female presence in sports, local fan Will Collier told reporters Wednesday that he respects women too much to see their bodies commodified as athletes. “It just doesn’t feel right to see women used as products and merchandise for people to purchase,” said…Read more...
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on (#6AY08)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying he was happy to finally bury the hatchet with the major corporation after months of difficult dialogue, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Tuesday that he had ended his feud with Disney after being given a guest role on The Mandalorian. “I couldn’t be more excited to let bygones be bygones and announce…Read more...
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on (#6AXWJ)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—In an effort to curb violence in the state, Missouri Gov. Mike Parson reportedly signed a law Tuesday requiring all residents to have a license and permit to operate a doorbell. “All prospective doorbell users will now be required to complete an eight-week training course so they learn the ins and…Read more...
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on (#6AXCD)
With the fentanyl crisis continuing to spiral out of control in the United States, The Onion asked prominent Republicans and business leaders how they would get the deadly drug off the street, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AXCE)
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Insisting that the statement had simply slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself, embarrassed Seacoast Ventures employee Kevin Bryant told reporters Tuesday that he had accidentally said “Hello” to his coworker instead of “I feel like crying all the time.” “Oh God, I totally misspoke back…Read more...
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on (#6AXCF)
Authorities reported that a hippopotamus descended from animals illegally brought to Colombia by the late drug kingpin Pablo Escobar has died in a collision with an SUV on a highway near Escobar’s hacienda. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AXBC)
ST. LOUIS, MO—Saying there was a 70-80% success rate for those who opted for the procedure, a new report from the University of Washington in St. Louis found that more couples were considering IVF as an alternative to traditional methods of bankruptcy. “In the last few decades, we’ve seen a large spike in Americans…Read more...
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on (#6AXAN)
NEW YORK—In a brazen display of authoritarianism that would no doubt terrify privacy advocates worldwide, Orwellian IT professional Kevin Wu reportedly asked Thursday if employee Andrew Miles could stop looking at furry pornography on his Geneva Solutions company computer, thereby striking the latest blow for…Read more...
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on (#6AXAP)
PLAINS, GA—Remarking that his decision to undergo the initial procedure had perhaps been made in haste, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Tuesday that he had gotten his recent vasectomy reversed. “I regret closing that door as early as I did, and I realized, yeah, I do want to be a dad again someday,” said…Read more...
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on (#6AWRA)
A truck hauling hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of dimes from the U.S. Mint was broken into while it was parked overnight at a Philadelphia store. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AWGZ)
JACKSON, WY—In an effort to inform the rich offender that he could do whatever he wanted, Jackson police officer David Pratt read a wealthy suspect a special Miranda warning Monday outlining his right to impunity. “You have the right to remain immune from all consequences of your actions,” read Pratt, explaining to…Read more...
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on (#6AW74)
OKLAHOMA CITY—Explaining that its long affiliation with evangelical Christianity had come to an end, retail company Hobby Lobby announced Monday that it was Muslim now. “After many years of self-reflection, we have seen the light of the word of the Prophet Muhammad,” said Hobby Lobby CEO David Green, adding that the…Read more...
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