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on (#687B3)
People are selling water they claim is from Disney World’s Splash Mountain ride for as much as $1,000 after the ride based on the racist 1946 film Song of the South closed for good this week. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 16:16 |
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on (#6878X)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Grappling with the effects of severe underfunding, the Missouri Department of Social Services confirmed Thursday that the state’s overhauled foster care system would now drop off children in a dark alley. “Our department’s entire Children’s Division has been replaced with a large van that we fling…Read more...
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on (#6878Y)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to a broader audience of both Millennial and Gen Z voters, President Joe Biden reportedly impregnated a popular musician Thursday in order to boost his approval ratings. “Today, the 46th president of the United States Joe Biden is delighted to announce that he conceived a child with…Read more...
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on (#686QB)
The Doomsday Clock has been moved forward to 90 seconds to midnight, the closest the metaphorical clock has ever been to signaling imminent human-caused catastrophe. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#686GK)
After Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.Read more...
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on (#6860R)
FOND DU LAC, WI—Questioning the accuracy of a recent article in the local newspaper, friends and neighbors of late Fond du Lac resident Garry Park, 74, reportedly took issue with The Reporter Wednesday after surmising that Park’s obituary was clearly copied from the Wikipedia article on Genghis Khan. “For starters, it…Read more...
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on (#685CP)
WASHINGTON—Cheering for the incredible sleight-of-hand on display, President Joe Biden reportedly clapped in amazement Tuesday after an FBI agent pulled a document marked “top secret” from behind his ear. “Whoa-ho-ho! How the heck did you do that, man?” said the commander-in-chief, who appeared to beam with …Read more...
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on (#685CQ)
LOS ANGELES—In a small, private ceremony held in the most severely atrophied reaches of his mind, Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin celebrated his 93rd birthday last week by marrying his longtime hallucination of a sexy space babe. “The first time I laid eyes on her she was posing all sexy in a space bikini right…Read more...
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on (#6850Y)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Appearing pleased and presenting the new acquisition with a twirl, local woman Nelly Winters was overheard saying “I love that it has pockets” to a group of friends Tuesday as she showed off her new boyfriend. “I know it’s not my usual style, but it does have four pockets around the waist and this…Read more...
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on (#68468)
Florida is barring high school students from taking a new advanced placement course on African American studies, claiming the lessons run “contrary” to state law and that it “significantly lacks educational value.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#683XM)
MONTEREY PARK, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 10 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...
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on (#683MW)
Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state.Read more...
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on (#683FE)
PHILADELPHIA—As he thumbed through the pages of a book that caught his eye at a local library, sources reported Monday that area Black man Jaylen Todd was unaware his selection of the title was the first in a series of fateful steps that would end in his assassination by the FBI. “Huh, this seems pretty interesting—I…Read more...
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on (#681PZ)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Divisional Round.Read more...
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on (#680ZE)
MONTICELLO, UT—Repeating the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, cautious rock climber Mitchell Bradford reportedly cut off his arm Friday to prevent it from getting pinned beneath any falling boulders. “Safety comes first, and when you amputate an arm before a big climb, you can be 100%…Read more...
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on (#6807W)
China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world’s second largest economy for decades. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67Z1K)
Police arrested Solomon Peña, a former Republican candidate for New Mexico’s legislature, on suspicion of orchestrating recent shootings that damaged homes of Democratic elected leaders in the state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67YZT)
WASHINGTON—Honoring the vice president during their visit to the White House, the NBA champion Golden State Warriors presented Kamala Harris Tuesday with a blank jersey, according to sources in attendance at the ceremony. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot—I’m supposed to give this to Camilla?” said Warriors rookie shooting…Read more...
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on (#67YGA)
WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing CEOs with prison labor. “As firms both large and small seek to rein in expenditures, one increasingly common strategy is to replace the high-salaried…Read more...
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on (#67Y96)
The United States Department of Agriculture has approved the first-ever vaccine for honeybees to protect the insects from American foulbrood disease, a fatal bacterial disease that can destroy entire honeybee colonies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67XRJ)
Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year’s $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67X9C)
SAN ANTONIO—Saying a series of fiscally irresponsible decisions had led to the local 10-year-old’s present insolvency, top financial analysts stated Tuesday that debt-ridden fourth-grader Daniel Brown should have stopped himself from recklessly investing in so many school lunches. “Instead of asking whether it was…Read more...
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on (#67X9B)
COLUMBUS, OH—Grateful that his relatives weren’t attractive enough to tempt him, local man Darren Doherty told reporters Tuesday that his family was too ugly to elicit any incestuous fantasies. “Thank God my family is far too hideous for me to daydream about fucking them,” said Doherty, claiming that if he were part…Read more...
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on (#67X9D)
ARLINGTON, VA—Struggling with what she called an “impossible decision,” local 32-year-old Olivia Montero told reporters Tuesday she didn’t want kids, but still wanted to name people. “Even though I’ve never been able to picture myself as a mother, there’s still some biological urge deep inside of me that wants to…Read more...
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on (#67X9E)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to award the country’s highest office to the nominee who wants it the most, officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 presidential election would be decided by whoever could keep their hand on the White House the longest. “Beginning today, all candidates hoping to become president of the United…Read more...
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on (#67W7F)
Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67W5E)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Pulling over a motorist suspected of intoxication, a police officer conducting a field sobriety test Monday reportedly asked the driver whether or not calling his ex sounded like a good idea. “Excuse me, sir, do you think you might want to give your ex a call?” asked officer Brent McCarthy, telling the…Read more...
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on (#67W5F)
BUCHAREST—Facing multiple charges of human trafficking and rape in a Romanian court, internet influencer Andrew Tate published a video Monday informing his followers that he had assembled a defense team of dozens of lawyers trafficked from eastern Europe. “I coerced a bunch of young lawyers to come to Romania and be…Read more...
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on (#67W5G)
COLUMBUS, OH—Informing her the facility was currently operating beyond capacity and experiencing delays, staff at Columbus Memorial Hospital told a woman suffering cardiac arrest that they could schedule an appointment for her to undergo CPR in six weeks. “If you could just stay home and try to avoid any strenuous…Read more...
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on (#67W48)
PLANO, TX—In the wake of a year-long investigation by the IRS, a 43-page indictment was unsealed in federal court Friday, confirming Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell had been charged with multiple counts of stuffing assets into offshore crusts. “We have reason to believe Powell has put both company and personal assets…Read more...
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on (#67T4V)
LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Black singer. “Using a white actor to portray a world-renowned African American who…Read more...
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on (#67SN3)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Super Wild Card Weekend.Read more...
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on (#67SFR)
WAVERLY, NE—Laughing uproariously as they watched the aging, often handicapped seniors dance, staff members at local nursing home Heartland Care Facility told reporters Friday that the best way to keep elderly residents active was to grab a gun and start shooting at their feet. “Once they reach their 80s, traditional…Read more...
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on (#67RZV)
New York Republican officials have called on embattled Rep. George Santos to resign from office over his lies to voters and fabrications about his personal life. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67RXS)
WASHINGTON—Peeking around corners and ducking past doorways in an effort to get in and out of her workplace unseen, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly popped by the Eisenhower Executive Office Building late Wednesday to print out concert tickets. Upon confirming all members of her staff, who she had allegedly not…Read more...
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on (#67R89)
Rep. George Santos (R-NY) has repeatedly misrepresented his achievements, his career, and his heritage both before and during his time as an elected official. Here is every lie he’s told the public about his life so far.Read more...
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on (#67QHP)
WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) told reporters Wednesday he had evidence that Roblox was actively silencing conservative voices. “Today, on Roblox, I was disgusted to…Read more...
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on (#67NQ7)
HARTFORD, CT—Overcome with quiet melancholy as she witnessed the profound tenderness of the exchange, area woman Camille Rossner reportedly realized Tuesday that she would never know an intimacy like that of two passing garbage truck drivers slowing down their vehicles to point at each other. “It must feel so amazing…Read more...
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