The Onion

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WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly concerned as she peered around at the marching troops, towed artillery, and self-propelled howitzers, local D.C. doggy daycare owner Frieda Shaw told reporters Saturday that she worried her sponsored parade float was sticking out at President Donald Trump's military parade. At first, I was really excited to spread the word about Doggy Getaway-I [...]The post Owner Of D.C. Doggy Daycare Worried Her Military Parade Float Sticking Out appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator [...]The post FBI Warns Second California Senator Still At Large appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After he wasforciblyremoved from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA). We expressgratitudeto law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public [...]The post Democrats Back Resolution Thanking Federal Agents For Handcuffing Alex Padilla appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Stressing that she had significant reason to fear for her life during yesterday's confrontation, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told reporters Friday that she believed Sen. Alex Padilla had an even deadlier opinion that failed to go off. We found this individual possessed a second, far more lethal string of words locked and loaded, [...]The post Kristi Noem: Sen. Padilla Had Even Deadlier Opinion That Failed To Go Off appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In a landmark decision opposed only by Justice Neil Gorsuch, who advocated for at least one more serving of the tasty little crustaceans," a bloated and moaning Supreme Court ruled Friday that they had eaten too many shrimp. The court holds that we as a judicial body have consumed far more shrimp than anyone could [...]The post Bloated Supreme Court Rules They Ate Too Many Shrimp appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In what the museum touted as a rare hands-on opportunity for the public to learn about the universe, the Adler Planetarium opened a new interactive exhibit Tuesday that offers guests the chance to touch a live protostar.A lot of people in the city have never had the experience of seeing a real protostar up close, [...]The post Interactive Planetarium Exhibit Offers Guests Chance To Touch Live Protostar appeared first on The Onion.

Matthew Early, 65, passed away suddenly Wednesday, leaving behind two uneaten slices of pepperoni pizza.The post Matthew Early appeared first on The Onion.

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Every entitled freeloader these days thinks they can get something for nothing. Complimentary this, state-sponsored that, just so long as they're not the ones who end up footing the bill. Well, I hate to break it to all the bums who might wish otherwise, but in this tit-for-tat world of ours, there's no such thing [...]The post There's No Such Thing As A Free Piggyback Ride appeared first on The Onion.

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Bride and groom were wed Friday after realizing they both had a craving for a giant vanilla cake.The post Emma Harter and Brendan Welter appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Shedding light on the demographic shifts that have transformed the generation's relationships, a Hunter College study published Monday revealed that more single millennials were settling for a parrot who could dial 911.We're finding that an increasing number of millennials are forgoing a serious romantic partner in favor of a cockatiel or macaw who can [...]The post Study: More Single Millennials Settling For Parrot Who Can Dial 911 appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Teasing several juicy details on the heels of their recent $1 billion purchase of the franchise, Amazon officials announced Friday that the next James Bond film would feature the famed spy facing off against the threat of collective bargaining.We here at Amazon are so thrilled to bring James Bond back to the big screen, [...]The post Amazon Teases Next James Bond Will Face Off Against Threat Of Collective Bargaining appeared first on The Onion.

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This 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath home is conveniently located on a bustling stretch of tarmac at LaGuardia Airport. Reference #257977The post Close To Transportation appeared first on The Onion.

Greg King, 43, passed away at Grace Hospice Care on Thursday morning after one of his patients decided she didn't want to leave the world without experiencing what it felt like to kill.The post Greg King appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-After the Steelers signed him to a one-year, $13.6 million deal with performance incentives, quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly purchased a lavish underground bunker Tuesday in the heart of Pittsburgh. I've always loved Pittsburgh, and I'm excited to finally get settled into a new survival shelter in an undisclosed location deep beneath the city," said the [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Purchases Lavish Pittsburgh-Area Bunker appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released a video Tuesday in which Gov. Gavin Newsom is seen being beheaded. This is a message to the enemies of immigration enforcement: Gov. Newsom's fate will be yours should you stand in the way of national purity," [...]The post ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-Stressing that the rules were formulated for the safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidelines Thursday governing female body hair.Effective immediately, women nationwide are advised to remove all hair from arms, legs, underarms, and genital areas or suffer the legal consequences," said CDC spokesperson Jamie Reardon, stressing that [...]The post CDC PublishesFemale Body Hair Guidelines appeared first on The Onion.

NEW BEDFORD, MA-Wishing he had seen more of life before taking on such a big commitment, local sailor Marcus Haines told reporters Tuesday that he regretted getting married to the sea so young.I was so captivated by those big blue waves that I never stopped to consider whether I was rushing into things with the [...]The post Sailor Regrets Getting Married To The Sea So Young appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple's wedding will be first come, first served and open to the public, so loved ones are encouraged to get there early.The post Ken Weathers and Timmie Sied appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Responding to escalating clashes between civilian activists and militarized immigration authorities, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass publicly urged protesters Monday not to give the Trump administration any pretext for what they're already doing and will keep doing no matter what. Angelenos-don't engage in violence and give the administration an excuse to inflict all the [...]The post Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Telling reporters that the move would do much to combat low U.S. fertility rates, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday reversing vasectomies nationwide.We're requiring all men to head to their doctors and have them undo these terrible, terrible procedures," the president said in an address from the Oval Office in which he clarified [...]The post Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies appeared first on The Onion.

Statistically speaking, home is the place where you are most likely to die-so how's this one feel to you? Reference #28106The post Picture Yourself Dying Here appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-As part of ongoing efforts to improve the efficiency with which it collects money for the world's richest man, officials at the Internal Revenue Service announced a new plan Tuesday allowing taxpayers to deposit payments directly into Elon Musk's bank account. The mandatory new service will reportedly help streamline the tax payment process, bypassing the [...]The post IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk's Bank Account appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Making sure the pair were sitting down before she delivered the news, White House chief of staff Susie Wiles reportedly told the Trump boys Friday that their Uncle Elon had been blown up in a rocket accident. Boys, your father wanted me to tell you that you won't be seeing your Uncle Elon anymore because [...]The post Weeping Trump Boys Told Uncle Elon' Blown Up In Rocket Accident appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After days of listening to the tech billionaire criticize his Big Beautiful Bill,' President Donald Trump escalated his feud with Elon Musk Friday by nuking Mars. Elon was wearing thin,' I asked him to leave, and then I blew up his stupid planet that no one else cared about," Trump wrote in a post on [...]The post Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars appeared first on The Onion.