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on (#6HJBZ)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-08 21:30 |
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on (#6HJ87)
DAYTON, OH-Inadvertently breaching the boundary to the underworld because he didn't want to shell out hard-earned money, local dad Curtis Morgan reportedly opened up the gates of hell Wednesday while attempting to fix the kitchen sink himself. Goddammit, don't worry, I'll take care of all this goat's blood-I must've...Read more...
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on (#6HJ80)
WASHINGTON-Looking after the White House for a couple days while the president was out of town, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly made a few extra bucks this week house-sitting for the Bidens. As far as side gigs go, house-sitting is easy money," said the nation's second-in-command, adding that it was always...Read more...
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on (#6HJ82)
SIOUX CITY, IA-Admitting the five days of somber reflection had been exactly what she needed to move on with her life, Apex Consulting employee Natalie Silver said Wednesday that she could barely even remember her recently deceased mom after taking the company's one week of bereavement leave. Gosh, I know her...Read more...
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on (#6HJ83)
While many believe the words child" and marriage" should never appear next to each other, for others, child marriage is the dream. The Onion asked men to explain why age of consent laws are too strict, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HHTK)
BURBANK, CA-Announcing the Beauty And The Beast character was available for public use as of Jan. 1, 2024, Disney CEO Bob Iger confirmed Tuesday that the company was relinquishing the rights to LeFou decades before the film's copyright expired. Go ahead, put LeFou in whatever silly slasher films you like-we do not...Read more...
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on (#6HHTM)
NEW YORK-Enrapturing the nation with his well-pressed trousers and matching jacket, a man in an impeccably tailored suit, allegedly with a pocket square and everything, urged Americans to invest in the stock market, sources confirmed Tuesday. This man, with his crisp, white shirt and perfectly fitted pants obviously...Read more...
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on (#6HHHK)
AUSTIN, TX-Noting that all great innovators must fail in order to succeed, sources confirmed Tuesday that Elon Musk was rushed to the hospital after attempting to impregnate a toaster. The 52-year-old billionaire, who founded Tesla, SpaceX, and Neuralink, reportedly suffered second- and third-degree burns along his...Read more...
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on (#6HHEB)
ROCHESTER, NY-Addressing all of their family members who kept name-brand groceries in their fridge without a Sam's Club membership, the nation's aunts announced Tuesday that it must be nice not having to worry about money like the rest of us. Ooh la la-look at you all fancy," said 56-year-old Bev Harding, speaking...Read more...
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on (#6HHED)
Interested buyers" stop by any time Thursday after 7 p.m. or Sunday afternoon. Must be prepared to be trapped for several hours.
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on (#6HHEC)
Thanks to Gov. Ron DeSantis' so-called war on woke,' Florida institutions of higher education have experienced an unprecedented brain drain. The Onion asked professors why they are fleeing the state, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HGWK)
SANTA FE, NM-Stressing that it would save him time and effort on future purchases, local man George Huntley reportedly created an account on GhostbusterBobbleheads.com Monday so he could enjoy faster checkout next time. It looks like if I sign up here they'll store my payment info and address so I can breeze...Read more...
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on (#6HF74)
DALLAS-With promotional materials that boast of its incredible realism and attention to historical detail, a new immersive John F. Kennedy assassination experience allows tourists to travel in a motorcade through downtown Dallas and learn firsthand what it's like to get shot in the head, reports confirmed Friday....Read more...
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on (#6HEHE)
STANFORD, CA-In a cutting-edge breakthrough for their field, psychologists at Stanford University confirmed Thursday they had trained a full-grown man to ask for help when he needed it. After years of rigorous experimentation, we believe the test subject, whom we have named Buster, is finally capable of requesting...Read more...
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on (#6HDS6)
Whether it's their bad habits, obnoxious behavior, or total lack of achievements, Americans are chronically dissatisfied and always looking for ways to improve their pathetic lives. The Onion looks at the most popular New Year's resolution by state.Read more...
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on (#6HDQB)
A recent study of more than 9,000 participants found that the flu shot was linked to a lower risk of major cardiovascular events, with individuals who received regular flu vaccinations experiencing 26% fewer heart attacks and 33% fewer deaths from cardiovascular disease. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HDQD)
CINCINNATI-Claiming its latest product was recommended by nine out of 10 deli guys, oral hygiene mainstay Crest announced Wednesday it had launched a new line of ham and cheese whitening sandwiches. Want a whiter smile that's never tasted better?" a press release from Crest read in part, going on to state that the...Read more...
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on (#6HDP1)
While publications like Cosmopolitan might seem like infallible sources of coital knowledge, the truth is, many of the tips they give are downright disgusting, dangerous, and wrong. The following are some of the worst pieces of sex advice ever published in women's magazines.Read more...
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on (#6HDP2)
PORTLAND, ME-Conceding that they had been piling up lately in an unsustainable way, the world's issues, domestic and international, reportedly came to a halt Wednesday so that local woman Patricia Hanlon could deal with her own problems. We didn't mean to add more to your plate, Patty-we'll take a break, and you...Read more...
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on (#6HD33)
A paper published in Nature Communications reported that more than 2,000 species, 350 of which are of conservation concern, have been hunted by free-ranging domestic cats, with the lead researcher stating, We don't really know of any other mammal that eats this many different species." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HD35)
After 14 weeks, this horrible property has attracted no interest, SO THAT'S WHY WE'RE USING ALL CAPS AND FAR TOO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!! Yes, we're willing to write in italics and underline at random to get you to notice this abysmal HOME!!! We'll even spout uninformative buzzwords like MEGA-DEAL, ***WOW***,...Read more...
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on (#6HD36)
NEW YORK-Panicking in the wake of a would-be groundbreaking surgical procedure, an eye transplant recipient reportedly began shrieking Tuesday after doctors accidentally implanted his new eye facing inward toward his brain. Oh my God, where am I, and what's all that gooey stuff?!" eye transplant recipient Leonard...Read more...
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on (#6HD37)
CHICAGO-Despite the expectation of honesty implicit in the journey of healing from addiction, anonymous sources reported Tuesday that lying to a sponsor is actually very easy. They ask you questions to check on your progress, but you can totally just lie, no problem," said a man leaving a meeting in the basement of...Read more...
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on (#6HD38)
AUSTIN, TX-Providing consumers with the opportunity to die a hero, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Tuesday that he was recruiting volunteers for a dangerous one-way mission in a self-driving Cybertruck. We are looking for brave souls willing to embark upon a harrowing mission from which they will never return," said...Read more...
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on (#6HD39)
There's only one thing men's rights activists hate more than women, minorities, and using preferred pronouns, and that's ingesting anything besides red meat. The Onion asked right-wing men why they refuse to eat vegetables, and this is what they said.
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on (#6HCMQ)
According to a Gallup poll, 94% of Americans reported celebrating Christmas in some way, both with secular and nonsecular traditions. What are you doing on Christmas day?Read more...
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on (#6HCMR)
HAVERHILL, MA-With the scene buried deep in the local woman's subconscious seeming to emerge out of nowhere, sources confirmed Monday that Lindsay Healy's childhood memory of kissing her cousin had suddenly bubbled to the surface during a game of charades. According to sources, Healy's once-repressed recollection of...Read more...
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on (#6HCMT)
ST. LOUIS-Her face fixed in a permanent grimace throughout the evening, local mother Deanna Murray's main contribution to the political discussion taking place in her kitchen Monday was reportedly an occasional disgusted scoffing noise. According to sources, the 64-year-old woman balled her fists at the mention of the...Read more...
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on (#6HCMV)
RIO RANCHO, NM-Scattering excrement here and there on the floor to bring a little Christmas magic to their home, local parents Doug and Sarah Lynch got up early Sunday to place Santa droppings around their living room so they could convince their children he really visited. Look, kids, there's Santa scat by the...Read more...
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on (#6HC6X)
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY-Staying up late to make sure he could pleasure himself without anyone noticing, local man Dylan Utley was reportedly waiting until his wife and kids were asleep Sunday to go and masturbate under the Christmas tree. Hopefully I can be really quiet so as to not wake anyone up while I lie under the...Read more...
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on (#6HC6Y)
BERWYN, IL-Tempering their excitement at the Christmas Eve pitter-patter on the roof, local children Jayden and Mila Andrews confirmed Sunday they were now old enough to know those sounds were nothing more than their father contemplating suicide. It may sound like the real Santa, but remember, it's only Dad up there...Read more...
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on (#6HC6M)
CHICAGO-Reminding the Walmart cashier that the Yuletide season comes but once a year, sources confirmed Sunday that a real-life Ebenezer Scrooge was working on Christmas Eve. What a heartless miser she must be to sit behind that counter this late on Christmas Eve, chasing after just a bit more money rather than...Read more...
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