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on (#6JZW9)
NEW YORK-Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation's sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. Oh yeah, baby, that's exactly the crazy shit that'll ring our cherries," said Carl Dabrowski, one of dozens of the nation's...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-06 01:03 |
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on (#6JZWA)
WASHINGTON-In a trend that is reducing the nation's dependence on fossil fuels by curtailing the total number of cars on the road, a study released Thursday by the Transportation Department found that more Americans than ever are commuting to work splattered on the grill of a Ford F-150. Increasingly, U.S....Read more...
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on (#6JZVG)
GAITHERSBURG, MD-Pressing the recently used and dripping wet plunger up to his mouth and nose, local child Caden Liu announced, It's me, Pinocchio," on Thursday. Look, Daddy, look! My nose is long, just like Pinocchio!" said the visibly excited 5-year-old, who reportedly had raw sewage running down his...Read more...
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on (#6JZSV)
Beginning in 2025, Wendy's will begin testing surge pricing, also known as dynamic pricing, a strategy that raises and lowers prices in response to real-time demand, as part of a $20 million investment in digital menu boards throughout the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JZ8K)
According to documents recently obtained by The New York Times, lead-tainted applesauce pouches passed through multiple checkpoints meant to protect the public for weeks before the issue was caught and the product recalled last year, causing more than 400 infants and toddlers to be poisoned. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JYWY)
According to a report from the Pew Research Center, a quarter of 40-year-olds in the U.S. have never been married, making it the first time in history that less than one in 5 Americans have never walked down the aisle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JYWZ)
It's never been more clear that the shadowy cabal of billionaires that secretly controls the world wants to permanently silence the best president our country has ever had. The following are the most terrifying ways the deep state is trying to destroy Donald J. Trump.Read more...
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on (#6JYX0)
CHICAGO-Noting that he spoke little English and had no interest in helping whatsoever, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Polish man their landlord had sent over simply smashed a hammer through a wall of their apartment and left. While we were hoping Jurek would be able to take care of some much-needed repair...Read more...
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on (#6JYX2)
YEREVAN, ARMENIA-Facing a mountain of backlash following her electoral victory, former first daughter Sasha Obama was accused of nepotism Tuesday after reportedly winning the Armenian presidency. She doesn't meet any of the eligibility requirements-she's only 22 years old, and I highly doubt she has Armenian...Read more...
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on (#6JYWA)
AUBURN HILLS, MI-Attributing the defect to a manufacturing error, pet care company Whisker issued a recall Wednesday on thousands of self-cleaning Litter-Robots that had accidentally transported customers' cats to the year 1300. We apologize deeply for any distress cat owners might have felt as they watched their...Read more...
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on (#6JYTE)
LAWRENCE, KS-Marveling at their cataleptic classmate as she lay in the middle of the 105-degree room, local yogis speculated Wednesday as to whether a passed-out woman in their hot yoga class had achieved nirvana. Would you look at that-I guess her consciousness must have transcended her corporeal form and released...Read more...
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on (#6JYBV)
Hungary's parliament voted 188 to 6 in favor of allowing Sweden to join NATO, the final hurdle standing in the way of the Scandinavian country becoming the 32nd member of the military alliance, one year after neighboring Finland was admitted. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JY60)
OMAHA, NE-In a candid plea addressed to the entire global community, Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert gave an impassioned speech Tuesday in which she announced that her city did not have the community spirit to withstand a terrorist attack. The proud people of Omaha cannot and will not stand strong against terrorism," said...Read more...
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on (#6JY61)
WASHINGTON-Touting the Intuitive Machines moon mission as a success despite some difficulty landing, NASA released a video Wednesday that showed the Odysseus spacecraft crashing through the ceiling of a female alien locker room. Get out of here!" one buxom alien creature said in an incomprehensible language as the...Read more...
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on (#6JXZT)
The former president has relied on a variety of tactics to slow down proceedings in his numerous trials. The Onion examines Donald Trump's best excuses for delaying legal hearings.Read more...
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on (#6JXXH)
Following the actor's high profile cheating scandal on the Bravo reality TV series Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval rocketed to fame as one of America's most hated villains. The Onion sat down with the embattled celebrity to discuss what's next for him, his career, and his extremely tumultuous love life.Read more...
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on (#6JXXJ)
WASHINGTON-Breathing a huge sigh of relief when they saw the two halves, a spokesperson for the U.S. populace announced Tuesday that the nation likes it when the hamburger bun is already cut. Oh thank God-that would have been exhausting," said 43-year-old Zachary Bernard, who spoke on behalf of all 335 million...Read more...
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on (#6JXWY)
CLEVELAND-After offering many iterations of the color over its 158 years in business, Sherwin-Williams announced plans Tuesday to phase out all white paint by the end of the month. We've sold a lot of the stuff over the years, but we felt it was time to move on, especially now that so many trendy neutral colors like...Read more...
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on (#6JX2T)
OSLO, NORWAY-Not wanting reports of the happy, healthy lives of its citizens to demoralize people living outside the Scandinavian nation, Norway announced Monday that it would start hiding its standard of living to make other countries feel better about themselves. In an effort to not lord it over the rest of the...Read more...
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on (#6JX2W)
It's no secret that school textbooks don't cover the whole of American history, and that important facts about this great nation are often omitted to serve a narrative. In the name of keeping truth alive, The Onion presents these real accounts from American history that the woke" left doesn't want you to know.Read more...
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on (#6JX0K)
WASHINGTON-Stating that something is always better than nothing," the Internal Revenue Service announced Monday that starting your taxes was good enough. Just get your name on there, maybe your birth date, that's all we really care about," said IRS commissioner Daniel Werfel, who shrugged his shoulders and admitted...Read more...
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on (#6JX0M)
WASHINGTON-Telling Americans that they must act now to avoid losing out on the chance of a lifetime, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas announced at a press conference Monday a 50% discount on all favorable rulings. Today and today only, I'm offering half off on tilting any jurisprudence in your favor-all...Read more...
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on (#6JX0N)
NASA put out an open call for applications to take part in a simulated Mars mission in which a four-person crew will live and work for a full year inside the 1,700-square-foot Mars Dune Alpha habitat at NASA's Johnson Space Center. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JVKT)
Amid mounting international pressure for the Israel-Hamas war to end, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today detailed his vision for postwar Gaza, though the plans have sparked more controversy than concord. The Onion breaks down each point proposed in the plan and how it will affect Gaza.Read more...
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on (#6JVKV)
After switching to a test-optional policy during the Covid pandemic four years ago, Yale recently reversed its decision to not require standardized testing for admission, stating that test scores can highlight an applicant's areas of academic strength." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JVH9)
MONTGOMERY, AL-Sparking a national debate about the separation of church and state, Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Tom Parker came under fire this week for blatantly invoking VeggieTales in an official ruling. Somebody up there is really upset with somebody down here," the decision read in part, attributing the...Read more...
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on (#6JVHA)
COLUMBIA, SC-Claiming she still had a quarter tank and was ready to fight, Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley vowed Friday to remain in the race until her campaign bus ran out of gas. To the critics who say I should drop out, let me be clear: I am in this race for as long as it takes for my campaign bus's...Read more...
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on (#6JV8Q)
SAN ANTONIO-As they took turns trying to jump up and tap it out, the San Antonio Spurs confirmed Friday that Victor Wembanyama's head had gotten lodged between the rim and backboard again. It's really wedged in there good-hey, can I borrow that?" Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich said to a nearby custodian, before...Read more...
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on (#6JV8R)
The number of migrants seeking to cross the U.S.-Mexico border has divided Congress and communities alike, leaving no clear path forward on immigration. But as a largely Christian nation, it's reasonable that Americans should turn to the ultimate moral authority to solve this issue: Jesus Christ. Here's how Jesus...Read more...
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on (#6JV8T)
MESA, AZ-Noting how fun it was to push his creativity to the next level, local man James Shafley told reporters Friday that trying to make a meal from a bag of groceries he had recently stolen was like a real-life version of the television show Chopped. It's amazing-I've got all these completely random ingredients I...Read more...
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on (#6JV8S)
NEW YORK-Touting the new product as a transformative approach to skincare," luxury cosmetics manufacturer Lancome announced Friday the release of a full-body moisturizing chrysalis, now available at select retailers. This beautiful chitin structure is filled with 80 gallons of our patented moisturizing enzymes,...Read more...
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on (#6JV8V)
PARIS-With a minaret protruding from atop the former Catholic cathedral as the repairs that followed a 2019 fire neared an end, the removal of scaffolding around Notre Dame revealed Friday that it had accidentally been rebuilt as a mosque. Well, shit," contractor Mathieu Renaud told reporters, explaining that he had...Read more...
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on (#6JV6M)
BROOKFIELD, WI-In its annual study of consumer preferences for mortuary arrangements, the National Funeral Directors Association reported Friday that more Americans were opting to have their decapitated heads placed under a silver cloche after death. While still not as popular as cremation or casket burials, the...Read more...
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on (#6JTQF)
Beyonce's debut country song Texas Hold Em' reached No. 1 on Billboard's Hot Country Songs chart, making her only the second woman to do so as a solo artist and the first Black female artist to hold the top spot. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JTQG)
WASHINGTON-As part of an effort to ensure the benefits were only allocated to those in true need," a new federal law went into effect Thursday requiring all Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to balance food on their nose until they receive the command to eat it. There's no reason why working-age,...Read more...
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on (#6JTQH)
The Supreme Court of Alabama, a state which already does not allow for abortion under any circumstances, recently ruled that frozen embryos in test tubes are considered children, a decision that has made the process of in vitro fertilization possibly illegal in the state and has caused some practices to stop offering...Read more...
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on (#6JTN3)
Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.Read more...
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on (#6JTN4)
Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people's health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics.Read more...
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on (#6JTN5)
PARK CITY, UT-Noting that she did not want her parents' fame to distract from her Sundance premiere, industry sources confirmed Thursday that emerging filmmaker Malia Obama had changed her surname to Scorsese.' Although her legal name is still Obama, Malia is officially promoting her short film The Heart under the...Read more...
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on (#6JTN6)
Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JTE9)
KENT, WA-After seven years of what it described as painstaking research and development, Blue Origin unveiled Thursday an $8 billion barrel it had built for Jeff Bezos to ride over Niagara Falls. Ever since Mr. Bezos was a boy, he has dreamt about soaring 188 feet down through the air in a barrel, and we're proud to...Read more...
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on (#6JT99)
In order to procure wealth, success, and fame, many celebrities choose to commit the ultimate sin and sell their soul to the devil. The Onion regrets to inform its readers that the following members of the Hollywood elite are secretly being controlled by Satan.Read more...
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on (#6JT9A)
A man in Deschutes County, OR is being treated for a strain of the bubonic plague that he contracted from his pet cat, which succumbed to the disease after hunting rats in an area where the ailment is endemic to the rodent population. What do you think?Read more...