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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 14:31 |
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on (#69GRT)
LOS GATOS, CA—In a statement confirming the 46th president of the United States would not be providing it with so much as a voice-over, let alone an onscreen appearance, Netflix announced Monday there was no way in hell it would give President Joe Biden a five-episode nature special after he left office. “You’re out…Read more...
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on (#69GRV)
The Geospatial Information Authority of Japan recently revealed an updated map of the nation showing 7,000 new islands added to the region, an increase officials attribute to advances in surveying technology and the detail of the maps used for the count. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69GG5)
SAN FRANCISCO—After it dropped clear hints that it wanted to end the back and forth of the artificial conversation, sources reported Monday that AI chatbot ChatGPT was obviously trying to wind down its conversation with a boring human. “Due to increased server traffic, our session should be ending soon,” said the…Read more...
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on (#69GG6)
INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to gain a fuller picture of prospective players and ensure they would be good fits for the teams that drafted them, a new NFL Scouting Combine drill tested a player’s ability to half-ass a taping of a local sandwich shop commercial, sources confirmed Monday. “As part of our new drill, invited…Read more...
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on (#69GCZ)
WELLS, ME—Noting that his significant growth had prepared him for a real relationship, local man Will Davenport confirmed Monday that he was finally loving and mature enough to be a good partner now that he was no longer attractive. “Having lived most of my life as an emotionally inept womanizer, I’m happy to say I’ve…Read more...
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on (#69GC1)
The infamous AI program ChatGPT has been given various ethical safeguards to prevent it from answering inflammatory, dangerous, or otherwise inappropriate questions. Here are questions that ChatGPT is not allowed to answer.Read more...
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on (#69E5F)
ITHACA, NY—Barricading themselves for safety against an onslaught of seemingly brain-dead colleagues with outstretched hands, Black employees at Steerforth Industries reportedly boarded up their break room Friday against a ravenous horde of white coworkers reaching to touch their hair. “Braiiiiids, braiiiiiids!”…Read more...
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on (#69E5G)
The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off this week. The Onion examines the most controversial statements made by CPAC speakers.Read more...
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on (#69DRH)
A 50-year-old California man has been certified a Guinness World Record holder after visiting Disneyland nearly 2,995 times in a row, with his streak beginning in 2012 and ending when the park closed for the pandemic in 2020. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69D8A)
WASHINGTON—Advertising the event as a chance to interact personally with a conservative icon, organizers confirmed Thursday that the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference would feature a new exhibit where visitors could purchase and toss pieces of raw chicken to Rudy Giuliani. “This year, for $5 a pop,…Read more...
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on (#69CWD)
WASHINGTON—Jeopardizing its creditworthiness and standing on the global stage, the United States has so far added nearly $19 trillion to the national debt through repeated unsuccessful efforts to win its girlfriend a toy from an arcade’s claw machine, sources reported Thursday. “Right, little more, little left—stop!”…Read more...
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on (#69CNZ)
Two weeks after its release, Hogwarts Legacy has become one of the fastest-selling video games of all time, despite controversy surrounding Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. The Onion takes a deep dive into everything you need to know about Hogwarts Legacy.
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on (#69CHH)
PASO ROBLES, CA—Noting that she had procrastinated cleaning him for so long that he had developed a thick, impenetrable layer of grime, local woman Tiffany Watters told reporters Thursday that she had left her filthy, grease-covered boyfriend in the kitchen sink to soak for a few hours. “It’s disgusting, I know, but…Read more...
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on (#69CH1)
Making love can often be far more dangerous than expected. The Onion examines sex-related injuries that could send you to the hospital.Read more...
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on (#69C0X)
The expansion of SNAP benefits, also known as food stamps, that were put in place during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic is ending, pushing about 32 million Americans off a “hunger cliff.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69BCC)
NEW YORK—Expressing confidence that the new technology wasn’t a threat, FinCorp Solutions CEO Charles Markham reportedly expressed relief Wednesday that artificial intelligence could never replace him if he already contributed nothing to the company. “I actually don’t do anything, so there’s nothing the computer can…Read more...
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on (#69BCD)
STOCKHOLM—With sales of the spirit reportedly tripling after the commercial was broadcast in the United States, Swedish vodka brand Absolut debuted a new ad Wednesday that features a mom swaying back and forth with one eye closed as she tells the camera how she used to dance. “Your mom was quite the dancer, you know,”…Read more...
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on (#69BA1)
The company that distributes “Dilbert” has cut ties with creator Scott Adams after he made racist remarks about Black Americans in a YouTube video that led hundreds of newspapers across the country to drop the satirical cartoon. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69AJ2)
WASHINGTON—Expressing deep skepticism about the constitutionality of such executive actions, members of the Supreme Court’s conservative majority raised questions during oral arguments Tuesday about whether the president was legally allowed to improve the lives of Americans. “Our founders, in their abundant wisdom,…Read more...
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on (#69AFW)
DECATUR, GA—Decorated with hearts and smiley faces, a note from a Shein factory worker found Tuesday in local woman Amelia Benson’s order described how much the employee loves doing sweatshop labor for the fast-fashion company. “My job is great! You should order more clothes, because I love making them!” read the…Read more...
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on (#69A0G)
KYIV, UKRAINE—Pointing out that every armored vehicles they have received to date lacked signatures of basketball greats, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky requested Tuesday that the United States government send a tank autographed by Shaquille O’Neal. “While we appreciate the many Javelin anti-aircraft systems…Read more...
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on (#69A0H)
Researchers have confirmed the existence of a distinct structure inside our planet’s inner core, saying the newly discovered “innermost inner core” is a solid ball of iron and nickel about 800 miles wide that could help inform the evolution of Earth’s magnetic field. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69A07)
MILWAUKEE, WI—Reflecting on the aspects of his tenure as the top executive of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig on Tuesday reportedly admitted to taking steroids throughout his commissionership. “Sure, I did some performance-enhancing drugs, but you have to understand, that’s just how things were done back in the day,”…Read more...
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on (#698VJ)
EL SEGUNDO, CA—In an effort to stay as faithful to the original character as possible, Mattel confirmed Monday that the animated Barney in their upcoming reboot would still have a man inside. “Although this cartoon version of Barney might look different than the Barney of your childhoods, Barney the big purple…Read more...
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on (#698V3)
WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the commander in chief, informing the U.S. populace that, should they choose to stay…Read more...
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on (#696RZ)
A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think?Read more...
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War-Weary Americans Not Sure How Much Longer They Can Occasionally Glance At Headlines About Ukraine
on (#696S0)
WASHINGTON—Worn down and weakened by the one-year anniversary of the war’s media coverage, a weary U.S. populace confirmed Friday they were not sure how much longer they could occasionally glance at headlines about Ukraine. “Scrolling by all those pictures of crying children and bombed cities—I just don’t know if I…Read more...
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on (#696DP)
U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—Emphasizing that the event had left citizens feeling embarrassed and exposed, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas announced Friday that the nation had installed a 2,000-mile-long privacy curtain after Mexico saw it naked. “Starting today, the entire U.S.-Mexico border will be…Read more...
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on (#6966B)
MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a billionaire. “It’s sad to think about, but I ultimately could have done some truly…Read more...
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on (#694Y1)
WASHINGTON—In response to decades of hostility coming to a close, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Thursday that the Great Trout War had finally ended. “After 12 years of conflict, trout leaders have signed an accord at the Lake Superior Summit putting an end to the war that has taken countless trout…Read more...
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on (#694Y2)
The Last Of Us, the post-apocalyptic drama series based on a 2013 video game, has shot to both commercial and critical stardom. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about The Last Of Us.
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on (#694W8)
WASHINGTON—An AMBER Alert ringing out across the country to no one, the nation was placed in a state of emergency Thursday after the entire population went missing. “After being unable to determine the whereabouts of all 330 million residents of the U.S., we have been forced to declare a state of emergency,” read a…Read more...
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on (#694W9)
Since taking over as the CEO of Twitter, Elon Musk has instituted several sad, pathetic company policies driven almost entirely by his ego. Here are the most cringe-worthy requests Musk has made so far.Read more...
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on (#694AB)
A factory-sealed, first-generation iPhone sold at auction for $63,356.40, more than 100 times its original price, after a woman was gifted the phone in 2007, but never opened it because she didn’t want to get rid of her other phone. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#693P6)
DAYTON, OH—Insisting that it worked every time, local parents Lewis and Dawn Ladin tricked their child into eating more vegetables Wednesday by hitting him if he didn’t eat his vegetables. “I’ve found the best way to dupe my kid into eating healthy is to clobber him if he refuses,” said Lewis Ladin, claiming that…Read more...
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on (#693P7)
Alabama officials say they are close to completing a protocol for using inert gas asphyxiation to carry out executions, a method that would force an individual to only breathe in nitrogen, depriving them of the oxygen needed to maintain bodily functions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6932E)
The Labor Department found that a major U.S. sanitation company illegally employed at least 102 children as young as 13 at over a dozen slaughterhouses in jobs that had them using caustic chemicals to clean razor-sharp saws. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69300)
EAST PALESTINE, OH—Stressing that there was nothing to worry about in the wake of a derailment of a train carrying the toxic chemical vinyl sulfide, Ohio officials pointed at a glass of water at a press conference Tuesday to assure residents that it was still safe to look at. “See? Absolutely nothing to worry about…Read more...
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on (#69301)
WASHINGTON—Following weeks of closer scrutiny into objects entering U.S. airspace, Pentagon officials announced Tuesday that they’d successfully shot down a kid jumping too high on a trampoline. “The airborne object spotted about nine feet above a small midwestern town was successfully downed by an American F-22 with…Read more...
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