The Onion

PORTLAND, ME-The entire tapestry of her future existence flashing before her eyes as her partner described his minor ailment, local woman Sandra Donaldson reportedly envisioned an entirely new life as a reclusive widow just seconds after her husband Scott mentioned he felt a weird migraine coming on. Oh, sorry...Read more...

WINNETKA, IL-Describing a conversation that took place at a family gathering Friday, relatives of local conservative man Dennis Sherman told reporters it was obvious the 57-year-old's terrifying descriptions of Chicago had come directly from Dante's Inferno. He goes on and on about how depraved and awful the city is,...Read more...

HOLLISTER, CA-Its stainless steel panels immediately crumpling from the pressure of the stream of water, a Tesla Cybertruck was reportedly torn to pieces Friday after getting sprayed by a hose. As seen in the now-viral video shared across social media platforms, the 7,000-pound electric vehicle splintered into dozens...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Describing his own positive experience when he sought mental health treatment earlier this year, Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) reportedly reached out Friday to a Gazan child who had lost his entire family in an airstrike and encouraged the boy to try therapy. Trust me, if there's anyone who knows what it's...Read more...

SWANSEA, MA-Frustration among the spectators at a local Little League game was reportedly rising Friday as the parents of the Cardinals team expressed their annoyance that the coach's son was getting preferential verbal abuse. The coach has screamed at his kid for screwing up five times already, and he hasn't even...Read more...

NEW YORK-Noting that seeing another photograph of the disgraced crypto entrepreneur is just a part of life at this point, a report released Friday confirmed that here is Sam Bankman-Fried's stupid little face again. Guess everyone has to keep looking at this fucking thing, so here it is," read the report in part,...Read more...

HYATTSVILLE, MD-Helping to explain why the troubling statistic has increased significantly for the first time in two decades, figures from the National Center for Health Statistics released Friday showed that America's rising infant mortality rate was linked to sloppy form in baby-fighting rings. We've seen a direct...Read more...

Amid concerns about the increase in misinformation and propaganda, The Onion asked Americans where they get their unbiased information about Israel and Palestine, and this is what they said.Read more...

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MOUNT JULIET, TN-Notifying the woman that she had run afoul of the corporation's rules of employment, Amazon is said to have fired a warehouse employee Wednesday after the worker tested positive for having food in her system. This meeting is to inform you that you have violated Amazon's strict zero-tolerance policy...Read more...

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THE HEAVENS-Admitting that His heavenly dictates had made the Franciscan friar suffer enough, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly threw celibate monk Roberto Nevastri a pity wet dream this week. He's been so good resisting temptation and respecting chastity over the past few decades that the least I...Read more...

NEW YORK-Citing their complete lack of self-awareness and inability to read basic social cues, the nation's CEOs gathered Monday to announce their plan to be total fucking freaks when you run into them in the bathroom. Please note that we may make direct eye-contact and chat about random topics while standing next to...Read more...

SADDLE RIVER, NJ-Smiling at the crowd of journalists and supporters as he posed for photos during the official ribbon-cutting ceremony, Nick Cannon reportedly opened an adoption agency Tuesday. For all of the people out there who are struggling to conceive at least 12 children, I'm here to help," said Cannon, the...Read more...

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TEL AVIV-Explaining why they had continued airstrikes and launched a ground offensive in the Palestinian enclave, Israeli officials warned Monday that Gaza was still harboring hundreds of doctors. It is repugnant to demand that Israel cease hostilities when there are still hundreds, if not thousands, of surgeons,...Read more...

WINSTON-SALEM, NC-His worst fears confirmed after an examination of his pubic region revealed a plague of genital locusts, area man Justin Frausto reportedly called several of his previous sexual partners Monday to inform them he had contracted the curse of the pharaoh. Hey, Kaylie! Sorry for the bad news, but I...Read more...

CONCORD, NH-Noting that at 73-years-old, she was more than capable of knowing a legitimate online store when she saw one, local mother Linda Jeffries defended her choice Monday to put her credit card number into a website with the URL virus.crime. Well, let me guess, everyone is going to say I did something wrong,...Read more...

PHOENIX-Midway through an anecdote during a break in the action in the World Series, MLB announcer Joe Davis revealed Monday that he was unsure why he was currently stating the pitcher's birth weight. Of course, you need to consider that [Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon] Pfaadt was eight pounds and two ounces...Read more...

CONCORD, NC-Explaining that the proposal completely upended his previous understanding of their friendship, a lopsided fantasy football trade offer that local man Henry Dukes reportedly received Monday morning forced him to reconsider how his friend Jordan Kaczmarek must perceive him. Wow, he must think I'm a total...Read more...

SAN ANTONIO-In a thoughtful reflection on the start of his rookie season, San Antonio Spurs power forward Victor Wembanyama admitted to reporters Friday that he was a little overwhelmed by the speed and intensity of NBA groupies. They're so much more physical and quick than I could have ever imagined," said...Read more...

NAPLES, FL-Warning that the dangerous contaminant could have easily killed someone if the proper precautions had not been taken, students at a Florida high school were reportedly locked in a decontamination chamber Friday after exposure to a book. On Friday morning at approximately 8:02 a.m., one of our teachers...Read more...

Featuring double-locked doors, high-speed Internet, and no mirrors to reflect that sad, pathetic face back at you.Read more...

WASHINGTON-Saying civilian casualties were the price of waging a war" and that so far the price had not been high enough, President Biden spoke to reporters Thursday about the conflict in Gaza and expressed doubts that enough Palestinians had died. I have no confidence that the death toll provided by the Hamas-run...Read more...

PASADENA, CA-Neurotically drafting and revising the perfect opening line in her head, local single woman Vivian Court reportedly worked up the courage Thursday to strike up a conversation with a cute guy she spotted at the other end of the horse costume. Oh my God, okay, he's right there in the back part, so it's the...Read more...

CROPSEYVILLE, NY-Frantically searching the internet for ideas, local man Jared Walker told reporters Thursday he always waits until the last minute to decide what he'll end up sitting alone in his house dressed up as for Halloween. Every year I tell myself I'm going to get an earlier start putting together the...Read more...

LEWISTON, ME-In the hours following a violent rampage in Maine in which a lone attacker killed at least 16 individuals and injured numerous others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from ...Read more...

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BOSTON-Verbally confronting the seasonal gourd before becoming physical, local boyfriend Trevor Landis reportedly punched a jack-o'-lantern Thursday for smiling at his girlfriend. What the hell do you think you're doing-can't you see she's with me?" said Landis, getting right in the carved-on face of the pumpkin...Read more...

EVANSTON, IL-Tossing and turning to no avail, local man Sam King was seen squirming around Thursday as his wife placed him in a Halloween costume against his will. Be a big boy and put it on," wife Bridget King said as she tried to wrestle her husband into an adorable pumpkin costume ahead of a Halloween party, her...Read more...

Claiming that the outrage mob was out in full force for All Saints' Eve, conservatives revealed which Halloween costumes offended their woke neighbors.

MAR-A-LAGO, FL-Repeatedly emphasizing how far the country had fallen since he had been removed from office, former President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that during his presidency, America only had white citizens. When I was in the White House, every single American had blonde hair, blue eyes, and porcelain skin,"...Read more...

EVERYWHERE-In response to multiple reports of people being fired for criticizing Israel's airstrikes on Gaza, an encouraging new report confirmed that you can share this image of smiling Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to get your job back. Sources across the nation found that if you simply post this article...Read more...

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WASHINGTON-In the latest study on how the existential threat of global warming is affecting mental health, the Environmental Protection Agency revealed Wednesday that climate anxiety had increased now that rising sea levels were expected to force more people to wear swimsuits. As glacial ice melts and coastlines move...Read more...

WASHINGTON-After the nation's vast stretches of countryside were replaced almost overnight by sprawling, futuristic cityscapes, government officials confirmed Wednesday that programs aimed at bringing high-speed internet to underserved areas had turned rural America into a cybernetic metropolis. As soon as they had...Read more...

Sidney Powell plead guilty in Georgia for attempting to overturn the 2020 election on behalf of Donald Trump. Here is everything The Onion knows about the former Trump attorney's guilty plea so far.Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS-Following a long and particularly stressful surgery, a team of exhausted doctors at Fairview Memorial Hospital pronounced patient Ross Neal, 79, dead enough, sources confirmed Tuesday. Time of pretty much death, 2:45 a.m." said Dr. Ted Domke, noting the patient's diminished brain activity and the fact...Read more...

BOSTON-Taking time during his group meeting Tuesday to reflect upon how his life got to where it is now, local alcoholic Steven DeWitt reportedly recalled the day he sat down and decided to have a debilitating addiction. I'll never forget: I was 15 years old, some friends from school were drinking vodka at a party,...Read more...

CARMEL, IN-Addressing a group of reporters dressed mostly in long-sleeved shirts, suit jackets, and full-length pants, the nation's big guys in shorts held a press conference Tuesday to announce that while the autumn weather may seem brisk to others, they tend to run hot. We run pretty hot, so this doesn't feel cold...Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA-Feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of options, local defense contractor Erick Yardley told reporters Tuesday he was unsure if he wanted to cook or just have dinner delivered by a politician on their hands and knees. It's been a long day, and I told myself I'd make something tonight, but it's so...Read more...

Meta has apologized after inserting the word terrorist" into the profile bios of some Palestinian Instagram users, in what the company says was a bug in auto-translation. What do you think?Read more...

STERLING HEIGHTS, MI-Demonstrating a level of selflessness and compassion for his fellow human that was worthy of sainthood, a modern-day Mother Teresa reportedly waited for an NFL player on a stretcher to give a thumbs-up Sunday before considering the fantasy football implications. When a wide receiver suffered a...Read more...