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on (#6DZ17)
NASHVILLE-Sources confirmed Friday that MLS commissioner Don Garber has been flooded with dozens of calls over the past few weeks from Major League Soccer parents complaining that Leo Messi is too advanced for their sons' league. It's just not fair-ever since Leo joined that Miami team they've been unstoppable, and...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-21 03:17 |
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on (#6DZ18)
VATICAN CITY-As youthful vigor rapidly returned to the supreme pontiff, Pope Francis reportedly appeared 40 years younger Friday after finally masturbating for the first time. Since finally pleasuring myself after all these years, I look and feel better than I ever have!" said the spry 86-year-old pope, who now had a...Read more...
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on (#6DZ19)
A damning video from 2020 recently surfaced of Roger Stone plotting to overturn the presidential election. The Onion examines the most shocking moments from the video.Read more...
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on (#6DYVQ)
NEW YORK-In what is being hailed as a major medical breakthrough, doctors at NYU Langone Health announced Thursday that they had successfully transplanted an entire living pig into a patient. After an eight-hour operation, we were able to place the 10-pound animal into the human abdomen for the first time with no...Read more...
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on (#6DYYC)
Michael Oher, the retired NFL offensive lineman whose life story was the subject of hit 2009 movie The Blind Side, has petitioned a Tennessee court, alleging that the family who took him in never legally adopted him and only did so to profit at his expense. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DYXM)
JACKSON, MI-Desperately scouring the post-apocalyptic landscape for his next meal, a lone survivor wandering Friday through a radiated wasteland in the year 2142 reportedly regretted not meeting his Q3 benchmark. This is what I get for not taking click-through rates and SEO seriously," said 37-year-old Donald Moore,...Read more...
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on (#6DYAD)
EUGENE, OR-Warning the 32-year-old man that you couldn't trust anyone nowadays, local mom Sandy Fremont reportedly begged her adult son on Thursday to be careful" while going to use a restaurant bathroom. Please, son, I know you're responsible, but I've read some stories about restrooms that would scare the bejeezus...Read more...
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on (#6DY72)
LOS ANGELES-Defending Maestro star Bradley Cooper against widespread criticism of his portrayal of the famed Jewish composer, Leonard Bernstein's children released a statement Thursday confirming that their father wore a big prosthetic nose in real life. Dad used to wear his gigantic prosthetic nose practically 24/7;...Read more...
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on (#6DY73)
PYONGYANG-Stressing that the escaped 1st Armored Division private had proven himself time and again, North Korea officials confirmed Thursday that U.S. soldier Travis King was now in charge of their government. Of course, we were initially skeptical of an American in our ranks, but Supreme Leader King has...Read more...
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on (#6DY6D)
Wildfires have been raging since last week in Maui, HI, causing the deadliest wildfire outbreak in America in over a century. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Maui wildfires.Read more...
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on (#6DXW5)
Former president Donald Trump and 18 co-conspirators were indicted in the state of Georgia for attempting to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump's fourth indictment, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DXW6)
YOUNGSTOWN, OH-Midway through a tour of a construction site partially funded by the Inflation Reduction Act, President Joe Biden reportedly fell Wednesday into a cement mixer. See, this is the kind of building we used to do in America, the kind we can do again thanks to the IRA, and if you just-whoaahoaaahoaaa,"...Read more...
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on (#6DXW7)
GUANTANAMO, CUBA- In recognition of the pivotal role the structure has played in America's legacy, sources confirmed Friday that Guantanamo Bay Detention Center would remain open indefinitely after earning national historic landmark status. We want to honor the incredible contribution this detention camp has made in...Read more...
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on (#6DXQH)
NEW CASTLE, DE-In response to the onslaught of terrifying torment, an entire sleepover at local boy Joshua Campbell's house Wednesday was spent avoiding his older brother, Gus, who has behavioral issues. I spent all night locked in Josh's room as Gus banged on the other side threatening to beat us to death with a...Read more...
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on (#6DWPF)
JACKSON, LA-With a scorching heat wave causing temperatures inside the Dixon Correctional Institute to soar, local prison guard Jeffrey Wittsack told reporters Wednesday that he'd heated his lunch up inside a 150-degree Fahrenheit solitary confinement cell. Well, it was pretty easy, I just took out my leftovers, put...Read more...
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on (#6DWPG)
LAKE MARY, FL-Hoping to instill an important life lesson in the impressionable teens, a Florida school reportedly began handing out lifelike dolls to students Wedneday that would simulate the experience of owning a slave. A lot of these young people think it sounds easy to own another human being, but it's a lot...Read more...
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on (#6DWPH)
According to Christian leaders, many evangelicals have begun to reject Jesus's teachings because they sound too similar to liberal talking points. The Onion asked Christians why the Son of God comes off as weak" and leftist, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DWPJ)
NORTH ADAMS, MA-Looking baffled as she scoured the museum brochure, local mom Denise Ainsworth reportedly approached a nearby docent at MASS MoCA Thursday to ask where the nice paintings are. I want to see the nice, happy paintings-is there a special area for that?" asked Ainsworth, making a puckered, disgusted look...Read more...
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on (#6DWPK)
DALLAS-Stressing that the demographic group represented a vital part of their customer base, restaurant and video game chain Dave & Busters rolled out a half-off Tuesday nights promotion this week for divorced men choosing between killing themselves and Skee-Ball. We're happy to give recently divorced men...Read more...
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on (#6DWKY)
A flash rob" group of as many as 50 people swarmed a Los Angeles mall last Tuesday, using bear spray to neutralize security guards as they made off with around $100,000 worth of luxury items. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DVWM)
DES MOINES, IA-Triggering an ear-splitting backlash from voters gathered at the Iowa State Fair, Ron DeSantis was reportedly booed off stage this week after flashing his stomach on stage. Several reports indicated that DeSantis stopped speaking mid-sentence at the campaign event to lift his shirt into the air,...Read more...
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on (#6DVVW)
Despite audits finding no evidence of fraud in the 2020 election, Donald Trump allegedly pressured Georgia officials to meddle with ballotsand spread conspiracy theories about the election's validity. The Onion examines everything Trump did in Georgia to try to overturn the 2020 election.Read more...
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on (#6DVT3)
WASHINGTON-In an increasingly rare bipartisan act, the U.S. Flag Code was reportedly updated Tuesday to state that the American flag has the power to grant wishes. The American flag is more than a symbol of our freedom-it's an omnipotent entity that can make your wildest dreams come true," said Rep. Jim Jordan...Read more...
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on (#6DVSP)
DERRY, NH-As they lamented her decision to take on such a burdensome responsibility in this phase of her life, sources reported Tuesday that local woman Laura Raclaw had chosen to squander her childbearing years by bearing children. It's just sad to see someone who's still so young using this precious time when she's...Read more...
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on (#6DVQN)
FORT LIBERTY, NC-As he signed and muttered, Here we go again," 13-year-old Army brat Logan Crawshaw was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday after learning his family would be moving just as he was getting comfortable with a new regional fast food chain. I know better than to get too attached, and yet I always do,"...Read more...
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on (#6DVQP)
As part of an escalating war on books, many Republicans are pushing to close local libraries across the country. The Onion asked conservatives why libraries should be defunded, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DVQQ)
California state regulators have allowed companies Waymo and Cruise to launch paid, 24/7, fully autonomous driverless car services in San Francisco, with advocates claiming robotaxis will be safer and detractors claiming they disrupt traffic and bus routes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DV86)
The Energy Department announced an initiative to help build the nascent market for removing carbon dioxide already in the atmosphere, awarding up to $1.2 billion for two consortiums to build commercial-scale direct air capture hubs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DV4V)
TALLAHASSEE-Calling the move critical" for the wellbeing of the state's children, Florida unveiled a new school curriculum Monday that would require students to keep their eyes shut all day until they were safe at home. Starting today, all 2.8 million students in Florida will be required to keep their eyes closed...Read more...
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on (#6DV1K)
The FBI shot and killed Craig Deleeuw Robertson, a Utah man who was suspected of threatening President Biden ahead of his planned trip to the state, with the incident occurring when special agents attempted to serve arrest and search warrants at his residence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DV1N)
ATLANTA-Sharing the exciting news with employees in a company-wide email, William Tannahill, the CEO of Broadacre Industries, announced Monday that he had promoted himself to senior CEO. I'd like to take a moment to congratulate myself on a job well done," said Tannahill, who noted that in addition to a change of...Read more...
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on (#6DV1P)
CHICAGO-As he paused midway through his monthly grooming ritual Monday, sources confirmed it was unclear for whose benefit unloved local man Matthew Harris kept trimming his pubic hair. Why am I doing this? Who cares?" said the romantically uninvolved 37-year-old, staring down at his partially shorn groin as he...Read more...
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on (#6DTTG)
With organizations facing backlash for attempting to promote equality and inclusion in the workplace, The Onion asked white people to explain why diversity initiatives are discriminatory, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DTRC)
BERWYN, IL-Beaming as she explained that she was just eating and exercising normally, local woman Jamie Fisher told reporters Monday she was flattered that her doctor thought she had an eating disorder. Aw, that's so sweet that he thought I was skinny enough to be starving myself in a dangerous, medically diagnosable...Read more...
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on (#6DTRD)
LOS ANGELES-Insisting that the twist never ceased to shock and amaze them, fans reported Monday that every season finale of the popular drama Black Gardens ended with a close-up of a supposedly dead character's eye springing open. Yeah, so they did this in the first five seasons with other characters, but this time...Read more...
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on (#6DRWJ)
The historic seaside town of Lahaina that was once the capital of the Kingdom of Hawaii has been largely reduced to ash as wildfires continued to rip through the state, with 36 people already confirmed dead. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DRWK)
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA-Insisting that they wished to demonstrate they were negotiating in good faith, Saudi officials announced Friday they had attempted to normalize ties with Israel by conducting an air strike in Gaza that killed eight Palestinians and left dozens more wounded. As an olive branch to Israeli...Read more...
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on (#6DRSN)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing that he was following the artist's lead, music executive Scooter Braun confirmed Friday that he would also be re-recording Taylor Swift's masters. I just think it's only right that I get paid for my music," said Braun, who said the newly recorded tracks would be labeled Scooter's Version" so...Read more...
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on (#6DRG8)
SEATTLE-Touting the device's state-of-the-art video and audio capabilities, Amazon unveiled its new giant camera Friday that tells users what to do. This floor-to-ceiling camera is the first auto-commanding device of its kind that blares accurate, up-to-the-minute instructions to the user on exactly what they should...Read more...
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