The Onion

MANCHESTER, NH-Blasting the individual for barely shuffling hisgoddamnfeet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasn't doingshitto help move the thing.Why do I have to put in all the work while this fucking freeloader gets off easy?" said Hodges, adding that this [...]The post Other Guy In Revolving Door Not Doing Shit To Help Move This Thing appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a move widely criticized as insulting the intelligence of viewers, a movie chyron reportedly drew outrage Wednesday for reading Davenport, IA" as if it wasn't glaringly obvious that the establishing shot was of Vander Veer Botanical Park. Yeah, no shit we're in Davenport, IA-do they really think I need that spelled out for [...]The post Movie Chyron Reads Davenport, IA' As If It Not Glaringly Obvious Establishing Shot Is Of Vander Veer Botanical Park appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Falling short of the high burden of proof demanded in the courthouse, area couple Alice Fields and Zachary Garcia were reportedly denied a marriage license Tuesday after failing to prove their love beyond a reasonable doubt. Although in common terms the two of you may be considered in love, it is the duty [...]The post Couple Denied Marriage License After Failing To Prove Love Beyond Reasonable Doubt appeared first on The Onion.

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RICHMOND, VA-In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family's group chat and adding a heart emoji to each message. My phone was blowing up every 10 [...]The post Mom Spends 15 Minutes Hearting Every Message From Last 5 Days Of Family Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. Oh jeez, if I'd known the guy's apartment was this close, I never would've leaned on the horn and run all those [...]The post Ambulance Driver Pretty Embarrassed She Did All That Just To Go Three Blocks appeared first on The Onion.

LOUISVILLE, KY-In a wide-ranging conversation about the hardships and difficult choices her family had faced during the Great Depression, local grandmother Mary Sipple casually mentioned Tuesday that in August 1937 she took the life of a man who refused to give up a jar of mayonnaise. She just crushed his skull with a rock and [...]The post Grandma Who Survived Great Depression Casually Drops That She Once Killed Man For Mayonnaise appeared first on The Onion.

STOCKHOLM-In a ceremony at the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, the Nobel Committee reportedly awarded their annual prize in physics Tuesday to Zoomer and Zorbit, two aliens commonly seen driving a tie-dye Volkswagen bug while flashing peace signs. For their profound advancements in astrophysics, we are pleased to honor this pair of smiling, neon green [...]The post Nobel Prize In Physics Awarded To Alien Giving Peace Sign Driving Tie-Dye VW Bug appeared first on The Onion.

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KANSAS CITY, MO-In a stunning turn of events that shocked fans during the Chiefs' game against the New Orleans Saints, sources confirmed Monday night that 34-year-old tight end Travis Kelce had suffered a film-career-beginning injury. Folks, that was a big hit that Kelce clearly wasn't prepared for, and he's been down for several minutes-you can [...]The post Travis Kelce Suffers Film-Career-Beginning Injury appeared first on The Onion.

SPOKANE, WA-Saying anyone who could swing it would be doing him a huge solid," 38-year-old data entry clerk Darryl Bouchard reportedly asked his coworkers Monday if one of them could cover his weekend with his daughters. Hey, guys, sorry this is such short notice, but is there any chance somebody could pick up my custody [...]The post Coworker Asking If Anyone Can Cover His Weekend With Daughters appeared first on The Onion.

PORTLAND, OR-Demonstrating an ability to uncover previously uncharted territories not seen since the Portuguese explorer circumnavigated the globe, 32-year-old Nate Sulzer, a modern-day Ferdinand Magellan, reportedly discovered new dining options Monday by zooming in a little on Google Maps. Oh cool, it looks like there's a pretty good Thai place a few blocks over," said [...]The post Modern-Day Magellan Discovers New Dining Options By Zooming In A Little On Google Maps appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN DIEGO-Appearing excited by a change of pace around the lab, researchers at the University of California, San Diego, reportedly laughed and cheered Friday as one of their perfectly preserved Neanderthal specimens regained consciousness and ran around shrieking after it was defrosted. Releasing him from his cryochamber every so often is important to prevent loss [...]The post Scientists Let Defrosted Neanderthal Run Around Shrieking Before Refreezing Him appeared first on The Onion.

ASHEVILLE, NC-Saying he wished there was more he could do to help as he pointed out a clause that showed he didn't have to, a representative from an insurance company explained to local residents Stan and Loretta Coleman on Thursday that their policy was voided the moment their house got wet. Unfortunately, the coverage you [...]The post North Carolina Family Informed Their Insurance Policy Voided Once House Gets Wet appeared first on The Onion.

VALDOSTA, GA-Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by HurricaneHelene. Please, hurry, we don't have much time," a visibly panicked Trump said during his visit to a storm-ravaged Georgia town, sobbing after [...]The post Heartbroken Trump Clutches Limp Campaign Lawn Sign Washed Away In Flood appeared first on The Onion.

CANTON, MA-Shining a light on the unsettling realities behind the foods we eat, a disturbing video shot by undercover activists and posted on YouTube Thursday reportedly shows workers at a Dunkin' hatchery disposing of male donuts in an industrial grinder. When a donut hatches at one of Dunkin's production facilities, a professional donut sexer quickly [...]The post Disturbing Video Shows Dunkin' Hatchery Workers Tossing Male Donuts Into Industrial Grinder appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Saying the effort could bring the Lord's message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. The church teaches that God's glory shines upon all living things, even the heathen E. coli and salmonella bacteria our microscopic pastors will be ministering [...]The post Vatican Dispatches Micro-Missionaries On First-Ever Trip To Convert Native Bacteria appeared first on The Onion.

MONTGOMERY, NJ-Touting faster relief from the symptoms of delirium common to women, Tylenol introduced a new extra-strength fainting couch Thursday for use by feverish consumers. This fast-acting chaise longue promises instant relief from agonizing hysteria," said Victoria Holmes, a spokesperson for Tylenol parent company Kenvue, adding that it was already the No. 1 doctor-recommended piece [...]The post Tylenol Introduces New Extra-Strength Fainting Couch For Feverish Women appeared first on The Onion.

An 81-year-old man will soon be sentenced in federal court after he pleaded guilty to creating an illegal hybrid sheep breed he called the Montana Mountain King," for the purpose of trophy hunting on his ranch. What do you think?The post Montana Man Faces Sentencing For Cloning Giant Sheep For Trophy Hunting appeared first on The Onion.

Throughout its venerable 268-year reign,The Onionhas always made it a top priority to endorse the correct presidential candidates. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this institution's highly respected editorial board has had its finger on the pulse, and has accurately backed the winner of every single national election in this country's long [...]The post The Onion' Officially Endorses Joe Biden For President appeared first on The Onion.

RICHARDSON, TX-In an effort to help his students one day navigate the harsh realities of an adult relationship, local sex ed teacher Robert Emerson reportedly spent class Wednesday teaching male students how to cheat on their pregnant wives. Over the 9 months a woman carries a child, her body will change a lot, making it [...]The post Texas Sex Ed Class Teaches Boys How To Cheat On Pregnant Wife appeared first on The Onion.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA-Following the conclusion of her 18-month hiatus from music, pop star Sabrina Carpenter confirmed Wednesday that she had completed her mandatory South Korean military service. It was the honor of a lifetime to do my patriotic duty by serving in the Republic of Korea's armed forces, but I'm looking forward to my next [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Completes Mandatory Service In South Korean Military appeared first on The Onion.

BOULDER, CO-Emphasizing that he was primarily focused on running the football team, head coach Deion Sanders admitted to reporters Wednesday that he has absolutely zero idea what school the Colorado Buffaloes play for. Look, my job is to devote my full attention to making sure the offense puts points on the scoreboard and the defense [...]The post Deion Sanders Admits He Has No Idea What School Colorado Buffaloes Play For appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Cursing under his breath at yet another round of inapt debate answers from the vice presidential candidate, venture capitalist Peter Thiel reportedly rushed onstage Tuesday to restart a glitching J.D. Vance during a commercial break. Seriously? For what I paid for this thing, it should work flawlessly," said the billionaire investor, striding confidently past [...]The post Peter Thiel Rushes To Restart Glitching J.D. Vance During Commercial Break appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-During Tuesday's debate, Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance accused his opponent, Tim Walz, of cavorting with the ghost of Karl Marx beneath a blood-red moon," an encounter Vance alleged to have seen with his own two eyes. Him there! I saw that man and his Chinese communist brethren intoning words from Das Kapital [...]The post J.D. Vance: I Saw Tim Walz Cavorting With The Ghost Of Karl Marx Beneath A Blood-Red Moon' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Refusing to back down despite repeated fact checks to the contrary, Sen. J.D. Vance claimed during Tuesday's vice presidential debate that Haitian immigrants were coming into this country to make him look stupid. There are hundreds of people from Haiti pouring across our border every day with the express purpose of provoking me into [...]The post J.D. Vance Claims Haitian Immigrants Coming Into This Country To Make Him Look Stupid appeared first on The Onion.

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A decade after its discovery in the Taklamakan Desert, paleogeneticists in China have extracted and sequenced DNA from cheese found in a Bronze Age grave. What do you think?The post Scientists Sequence DNA From 3,600-Year-Old Cheese appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT-Though the man is met with little more than polite smiles and indifferent nods as he brings his dog around from cubicle to cubicle, sources at Patterson Technologies confirmed Tuesday that employee Kyle Lutz thinks his 2-year-old terrier mix is the office's mascot. Everyone loves it when I bring Comet into work, and in [...]The post Man Thinks His Dog Is Office Mascot appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Sipping a fifth cup of coffee as the sun rose on the day of his big debate, Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz confirmed this morning he had stayed up all night making a shoe-box diorama of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Still needs a few finishing touches on the weather effects, but I [...]The post Tim Walz Stays Up All Night Making Shoe-Box Diorama Of Washington Crossing The Delaware appeared first on The Onion.

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TYLER, TX-Honing his brain imaging-form until sundown most nights, local high school quarterback Brendan Porter has reportedly used a tire swing this week to practice putting his head through a CT scanner. With the big game coming up, I'm putting in the hours on this tire and making sure I'm prepared to remove any metallic [...]The post High School Quarterback Using Tire Swing To Practice Putting Head Through CT Scanner appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Gawking at the widespread destruction caused by Hurricane Helene across much of the southeastern United States, the Federal Emergency Management Agency issued a statement Monday announcing, Damn, that's crazy." So much water, dude," said administrator Deanne Criswell, who uploaded a YouTube compilation of flooding in the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida to the homepage of FEMA.gov [...]The post Damn, That's Crazy,' Announces FEMA In Statement appeared first on The Onion.

Following price hikes made at Netflix and Max earlier this year, Disney will be increasing subscription costs for Hulu, ESPN+, and Disney+ beginning Oct. 17. The Onion shares tips for saving money on streaming.The post Tips For Cutting Back On Streaming Subscriptions appeared first on The Onion.

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