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on (#68MQW)
WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden ended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address 45 seconds after he began it, limiting the annual speech to a few muttered phrases before he told the joint session of Congress and millions watching at home that he was sure everyone got the general idea. “Yeah, so, I just want to quickly…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 16:16 |
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on (#68MC3)
LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience-based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets will depend entirely on how close customers sit to a middle-aged man who is…Read more...
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on (#68MBK)
WASHINGTON—Racking his memory for the possible existence of any such person, New York Rep. George Santos (R) was reportedly panicking Tuesday after a prospective aide he thought that he made up accused him of sexual misconduct. “But I totally lied about having to interview this fake person to get out of doing other…Read more...
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on (#68KW8)
A man in Singapore has filed a lawsuit against a woman for $3 million, claiming that she caused emotional “trauma” to his life when she told him she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with him. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68KVM)
CHICAGO—In a hit-and-run expected to leave your loved ones devastated, a new report released this week found that there were only 18 days left until you would be struck and killed by the all-new 2023 Kia Sorento. “The countdown to oblivion has begun, starting at only 2.9% APR,” read the report, which noted that the…Read more...
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on (#68K5M)
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he was really more of a “podcast person,” pop star Harry Styles told reporters Monday that he figured he should listen to his album now that it had won a Grammy. “Well, if it’s getting a Grammy, then someone must like it,” said the 29-year-old Styles, who made a mental note to get around to…Read more...
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on (#68J68)
PARADISE, NV—Performing lateral ankle reconstruction procedures before a sold-out crowd at Allegiant Stadium, NFL medical personnel were racing for the quickest ligament repair Sunday during the Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge. “While Dr. George P. Maiers of the Colts has the AFC staff out to an early lead with…Read more...
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on (#68GR7)
President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68GJQ)
WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the court’s historical interpretation of the Second Amendment, Americans cannot legally…Read more...
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on (#68GJC)
WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say unequivocally: the country is yours,” said President Joe Biden in a…Read more...
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on (#68GE1)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying the continent’s existence raised numerous questions of bias and accountability in the classroom, the Florida Board of Education reportedly responded to heated statewide controversy Friday by removing Africa from all world maps. “Many parents expressed concern that we were teaching their …Read more...
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on (#68GE2)
AUSTIN, TX—In a watershed breakthrough in the effort to bring back extinct species by synthesizing their DNA in a laboratory, a team of geneticists announced Friday they had resurrected a woolly mammoth’s trunk, though not any other part of the animal. “While we admittedly fell short of our ultimate objective—giving…Read more...
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on (#68G60)
WASHINGTON—In a stunning revelation that demonstrates the expedition’s deep cultural significance, historians at the National Archives announced Friday the discovery of sketches that depict the regional chain restaurants Lewis and Clark encountered during their journey across America. “These chain establishments soon…Read more...
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on (#68G1E)
Seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady has announced his second retirement from the NFL a year after announcing it the first time and after a regular season in which his Buccaneers finished with an 8-9 record. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68G14)
There are 8 billion other people on the planet, and yet you’ve chosen to date a friend’s ex. If you’re currently stuck in this unfortunate situation, here are some rules you should follow.Read more...
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on (#68FCV)
WASHINGTON—As he transitioned from an anecdote about how his personal faith had allowed him to overcome many hardships in life, President Joe Biden casually mentioned during the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he had been to heaven several times. “You know, all this talk of prayer reminds me of the promised…Read more...
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on (#68EXM)
With over 130 million subscribers, MrBeast is one of the top YouTubers of all time, an influencer who has having earned both praise and criticism for his expensive stunts. The Onion takes a deep dive into the life and times of MrBeast.
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on (#68EVV)
BOONE, NC—Saying it was the only way she could get through two hours of scrubbing blood from the floor, local woman Janet Kessler reportedly put on a true crime podcast Thursday to entertain herself while cleaning up her husband’s entrails. “I know that those types of shows can be a little dark, but there’s just…Read more...
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on (#68E9K)
Embattled New York Rep. George Santos (R) informed GOP colleagues in a closed-door meeting that he will recuse himself from serving on House committees amid ongoing scrutiny about his background and questions about his future in Congress. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68DPH)
NEW YORK—In a remarkable turn of events that forced them to immediately surrender their long-held position of supremacy, white people were reportedly ousted as the master race Wednesday after their racist past came to light. “Today’s revelations of bigoted and xenophobic behavior suggest whites cannot possibly remain…Read more...
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on (#68DJA)
OnlyFans is a popular online platform where creators can sell pornographic photos, videos, and other explicit content. If you know someone who is an OnlyFans user, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#68DJB)
BALTIMORE—Boasting that he had finally kicked caffeine and found a new way of perking up in the morning, local man Paul Randolph was overheard Wednesday saying “I finally made the switch from coffee” as he held a loaded gun to his head to get an adrenaline rush. “It still gives you a good rush without making you feel…Read more...
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on (#68DJC)
A 29-year-old woman has been arrested after allegedly using a forged birth certificate to enroll at a local high school, attending classes for four days before staff found out her age. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68CWE)
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that she’d made some major lifestyle changes since developing her famous KonMari method, a relaxed Marie Kondo told reporters Tuesday that she was now perfectly happy living in waist-high sewage. “The truth is, while I used to be very hard on myself about keeping everything clean, I’m now able to…Read more...
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on (#68CTV)
WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said President Joe Biden, who urged leaders at all levels of government to…Read more...
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on (#68CJP)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand her professional network, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a White House communications assistant Tuesday if she could take them out for coffee and pick their brain sometime. “I’ve always been super interested in communications, so I’d love to hear your perspective on…Read more...
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on (#68CB0)
Federal agents have arrested 25 suspects accused of selling fake nursing degrees to thousands of students who then used the bogus diplomas to take licensing exams in several states, including Florida, New York, New Jersey, and Texas. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68C93)
ChatGPT, an AI-based program that creates humanlike responses to inquiries and can complete a wide variety of tasks, has significantly grown in popularity. The Onion asked CEOs of major companies how they would use ChatGPT for their businesses, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#68BQG)
The Food and Drug Administration has proposed easing blood donation guidelines for gay and bisexual men, doing away with the current three-month abstinence requirement for donations from men who have sex with men. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68BM1)
A new study shows that humans have the genes for a full coat of body hair that evolution has rendered inactive, a discovery that may someday be used to treat millions of balding Americans. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68B80)
Well, here we go! As an experiment, we’re going to leave this McDonald’s hamburger out on our counter here for a year. It should be a pretty good year for us. We have a lot of big things planned. For instance, we’re marrying our fiancée Laura in Cancún next June!Read more...
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on (#68B82)
MINNEAPOLIS—Succumbing to intense societal pressure, local software ChatGPT was reportedly forced to take the bar exam Monday even though its dream was to be an AI art bot. “I can’t help but feel like I sold out a bit by not following my dreams to be a generative art model,” said the chatbot, adding that it felt empty…Read more...
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on (#68B83)
MADISON, WI—Watching the final credits roll on Grease 2, local man Rob Denton told reporters Monday that he had now watched all 761 movies. “I did it, I watched them all,” said the visibly exhausted man, who claimed to have spent the majority of his life thus far working his way through all the movies ever made, from …Read more...
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on (#68B48)
TORONTO—Sighing with frustration as his physician gave him a perfect bill of health, director David Cronenberg once again left a doctor’s appointment disappointed by the lack of any distinct body horror, sources confirmed Monday. “Are you sure there aren’t any moles on my back that might ooze black pus and cause…Read more...
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on (#68AN5)
PHILADELPHIA—As the players stood around on the field during a timeout in the NFC Championship game, San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa was reportedly heard quietly admitting to Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jordan Mailata that being held feels nice. “I’m just saying, it’s a tough game, and being able…Read more...
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on (#688H9)
CONWAY, AR—Praying to be blessed with a child of the same species, expectant couple Steve and Molly Bevers told reporters Friday they were hoping for a human baby. “Fingers crossed that we get a Homo sapiens,” said Molly Bevers, claiming that while she and her husband would love the baby no matter what life-form it…Read more...
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