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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-08 11:00 |
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on (#6FQPM)
NEW YORK-Slurring his words as he made an impassioned argument about why he was the right man for the job, local drunk man Greg Adams reportedly approached a bucket drummer Friday and begged for the opportunity to act as his manager. Listen, man, you got it-you got all those goods," said a visibly wobbly Adams,...Read more...
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on (#6FQMX)
After a year filled with high-profile drama surrounding her marriage, Jada Pinkett Smith's first memoirwas published on Oct. 17. Here are the biggest reveals from the movie star's new book, Worthy.Read more...
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on (#6FQ6K)
The water level at a major river port in Brazil's Amazon rainforest has hit its lowest point in at least 121 years, as a historic drought upends the lives of hundreds of thousands of people and damages the jungle ecosystem. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FQ3K)
LOS ANGELES-Criticizing the apparent insincerity of his statements on comic book franchise films, Marvel fans blasted Martin Scorsese as a hypocrite Thursday for including a Deadpool cameo in his latest feature, Killers Of The Flower Moon. After all that talk of Marvel movies being the death of cinema,' Scorsese...Read more...
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on (#6FPSD)
WICHITA, KS-Addressing the need to incorporate more humane practices at its facilities, Cargill Meat Solutions announced Thursday that it had hired assassins to quietly slaughter cows in their sleep. In order to reduce the suffering of livestock, trained hit men will creep into the pens of cattle late at night and...Read more...
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on (#6FPSE)
America is a nation whose strength has long derived from its diversity. Even in the bedroom, U.S. citizens vary not just in their tastes, but also in what diseases they've contracted on what orifices while sleeping with each other. That, more than anything else, is what defines this country's greatness. Here, The...Read more...
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on (#6FPPK)
Pepper X' is now officially the world's hottest chili pepper, rating at an average of 2,693,000 Scoville Heat Units. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FPPM)
MENLO PARK, CA-In an effort to improve user experience, Meta announced Thursday that the next update of Instagram would include helpful labels indicating the point at which a girlfriend stops appearing in the posts of a given account holder. Starting today, some Instagram users will notice a beta rollout of this new...Read more...
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on (#6FP9B)
Britney Spears recounts in a forthcoming memoir that she had an abortion to end a pregnancy by fellow pop star Justin Timberlake while the two were dating in the late 1990s and early 2000s. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FNQ8)
BAY VILLAGE, OH-In an apparent effort to turn the incident into an instructional moment for their curious 1-year-old son, local parents Josh and Lisa Cohen repeated the word gentle" Wednesday when the toddler ripped a dog's ear clean off. There we go, Mason, very good job petting the doggy," said Lisa, who then...Read more...
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on (#6FNPX)
Several Girl Scout troops announced that the price of cookies will be going up next season in order to combat rising production and material costs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FN9D)
U.S. pharmacy chain Rite Aid Corp. filed for bankruptcy in an effort to close unprofitable stores, address lawsuits over its role in the opioid pandemic, and rework a debt load of roughly $4 billion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FN09)
PORTLAND, OR-Midway through a session in which she allegedly channeled the spirit of a departed loved one, local psychic Esme The Prophetess" Sherwood informed her client Tuesday that her dead mother was saying some pretty boilerplate ghost shit. What I'm hearing is basically that she's proud of you, she loves...Read more...
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on (#6FN0A)
DENVER-Asked for his thoughts a week before his team's 2023-24 opener, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Tuesday he was looking forward to the season ending. I'll be honest, I'm ready to get out there and walk away from the arena after the last game of the season," said Jokic, adding that he believed...Read more...
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on (#6FMQ0)
Former President Donald Trump allegedly shared highly classified information about U.S. nuclear submarines with an Australian billionaire who was a member of Mar-a-Lago. The Onion asked other members what government secrets the 45th president shared with them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FMQ1)
MINNEAPOLIS-Describing the physician's remarks as patronizing" and unprofessional," local man David Kohr confirmed Tuesday that he did not go to the doctor for a lecture about what should and should not go in his ass. Jeez, can't you just yank it out and be on your way?" said Kohr, who reportedly struggled not to...Read more...
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on (#6FM31)
WASHINGTON-With the passage of a landmark bill that received widespread bipartisan support in Congress and was immediately signed into law by President Biden, a new federal statute requires anyone who publicly announces their need to take a piss to register as a sex offender. Those who loudly declare to people around...Read more...
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on (#6FKZW)
WASHINGTON-Noting that there were still so many lives to be lost, so much pain to be inflicted, and so much blood to be shed, a new report published Monday by researchers at American University found that when there could be an all-out war, a diplomatic solution sounded pretty fucking lame. According to our study, in...Read more...
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on (#6FKP2)
NEW YORK-Exclaiming with delight when the revelation arrived 30 minutes into their dinner together, local woman Sophia Davis is said to have grown genuinely fascinated Monday after her date mentioned that he was one-eighth Puerto Rican. Oh, wow, really? That's so interesting-that must have colored your...Read more...
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on (#6FKP3)
PARSIPPANY, NJ-Offering customers a fast and easy way to poison their loved ones, packaged-food brand Green Giant introduced new frozen death cap mushrooms Monday for convenient weeknight murders. Whether it's a crime of passion or you're simply trying to off your husband so you can embark on a exciting new life with...Read more...
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on (#6FJ3N)
LOS ANGELES-Sharing the exciting personal development with new maternity photos, actor and talk show host Jada Pinkett Smith announced Friday she was pregnant with actor and comedian Chris Rock's baby. Chris and I are so overjoyed to be welcoming a new bundle of joy into this world, as we've been trying for a long...Read more...
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on (#6FHSN)
The past week has shown humanity at its worst: A horrific terrorist attack left at least 1,300 Israelis dead, among them peace activists and even innocent children. The fates of many more kidnapped civilians still lie in the balance. Meanwhile, statements from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu suggest retaliation...Read more...
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on (#6FHNS)
WASHINGTON-Pushing back a black hood to reveal reddened, glowing eyes, Sen. Ron Darkness appeared on CNN Friday to try to garner support for a 1,000-year reign of blood. In times of great tragedy, we as Americans must do all we can to enact many millennia of death and suffering," the independent lawmaker from Hades...Read more...
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on (#6FHNT)
With their large populations of unhoused people, minorities, and gays, liberal enclaves like New York and San Francisco have never been more dangerous to real, red-blooded Americans. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how they survive in the hellholes that are woke cities, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FHNW)
QUINCY, MA-Issuing its annual safety recommendations for preventing fire-related injury, the National Fire Protection Association released an updated report Thursday confirming that sitting down in a barrel of water remains the best way to put out a fire on one's ass. By far, the most effective method for...Read more...
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on (#6FGPK)
Although they are known to be the most virile, physically attractive men on the planet, many Joe Rogan fans still find themselves painfully single. The Onion asked women why they don't date people who listen to The Joe Rogan Experience, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FGPM)
A Minnesota horticulture teacher set a world record for the heaviest pumpkin after growing a giant jack-o'-lantern gourd weighing 2,749 pounds. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FGPS)
VALDOSTA, GA-In a move that caused several family members to stare with their jaws agape, household sources confirmed Thursday that sweaty, menopausal mother Lisa Kessler straight up took her shirt off during dinner. I know her body is changing, but wow, I did not expect her to take off her shirt, toss it into the...Read more...
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on (#6FG3A)
Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is facing criticism after a public records request revealed that her office bought a lectern for $19,000, and a whistleblower accused them of altering records to cover up the spending. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FFZK)
CULVER CITY, CA-Showing off their creativity and lack of parenting skills, TikTok users across the globe were reportedly participating in a new trend Thursday to see how fast they could get their kids taken away by child protective services. Basically, my entire TikTok feed right now is children getting carted away...Read more...
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on (#6FFRS)
PORTSMOUTH, NH-Insisting that she simply wanted to make him feel welcome during his three-day stay, local mom Debra Solander reportedly gave her 37-year-old son a grand tour of the snacks in the pantry while he was home for the weekend. Let's see here, we've got unsalted pretzels, tortillas, those pita chips-but...Read more...
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on (#6FFRT)
TOYOTA, JAPAN-Noting that the colorful, shiny vehicles are far more toxic than they appear, Toyota officials announced Wednesday that the company has created a new bitter coating to prevent children from swallowing cars. Thanks to this state-of-the-art denatonium benzoate coating, children will be far more deterred...Read more...
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on (#6FFR5)
With the relationship between the pop star and all-pro tight end continuing to dominate the news cycle for some reason, The Onion asked Chiefs fans to name a single Taylor Swift song, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FFP9)
NEW YORK-A new study published Wednesday by researchers at Columbia University found that charismatic Americans are experiencing a friendship epidemic. The data shows that captivating and social people have started acquiring an alarming number of friends and acquaintances-more than they know what to do with," said...Read more...
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on (#6FFR6)
WASHINGTON-Claiming to have acquired enough evidence to support the allegations, Pentagon officials held a press conference Wednesday to accuse China of being Chinese. After a years-long investigation, we now have corroboration from numerous witnesses that China is definitely Chinese," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd...Read more...
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on (#6FF5B)
NEW YORK-Claiming that the humanizing of occupied peoples is not what the newspaper stands for, The New York Times issued an apology Tuesday for reporting on Palestinian deaths. Our thoughtful and accurate coverage of the Palestinian death toll in no way met our editorial standards for obfuscation, and for that we...Read more...
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on (#6FF5C)
JERUSALEM-Noting that he had been feeling pretty down lately and this was just the pick-me-up he needed, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters Tuesday that he didn't know about them, but the tragic attack that killed Israelis couldn't have come at a better time for him. Personally, while I can't speak for...Read more...
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on (#6FF2K)
Former president Donald Trump allegedly discussed potentially sensitive information about U.S. nuclear submarines with a Mar-a-Lago member, Australian billionaire Anthony Pratt, who then shared the information with former Australian PMs and journalists. What do you think?
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on (#6FEQB)
PORTLAND, OR-Charmed by how remarkably cruel everyone was, visiting friend Kaitlyn Hickman told reporters Tuesday that she was pleasantly surprised by Portland's open hostility toward homeless people. I was really concerned before coming here that people were going to try to extend aid to those without shelter, but...Read more...
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on (#6FEQC)
EVERYWHERE-As the influence of the nation's transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori Randall is now capable of using every single bathroom in the country at once. Tori has become so trans that she can...Read more...
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on (#6FDXY)
CHICAGO-Speaking over the terminal's intercom in preparation for an evening flight to Boston, Delta Air Lines agent Sarah Epstein reportedly called Monday for all dipshit passengers to stand up and mill around in front of the gate before their turn to board. Anyone who is a fucking moron and can't understand simple...Read more...
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