The Onion

LOS ANGELES-Announcing their first major theatrically released project, the production company launched by Barack and Michelle Obama greenlit an action film Friday about a badass drone seeking revenge on a Yemeni wedding. The film follows a retired ex-military drone who just wants to be left alone, until Uncle Sam...Read more...

ATLANTA-While the quality of the nation's mental health continues to worsen, a new Centers for Disease Control report released Friday claimed to have found that the decline is sharpest among Americans who finally tried out a bolo tie and no one complimented it. By almost every measure, the mental health crisis in...Read more...

SEATTLE-Blaring Camille Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre" from a battered old boombox, local necromancer Edgar Ravenswood reportedly spent his day off Friday restoring a classic guy in his driveway. He's in rough shape right now, but I hope to get him back in action by the end of the summer," said Ravenswood to a neighbor...Read more...

CHICAGO-The directive to wear navy blue-and-white nautical-themed attire going into effect immediately, a new dress code mandated this week by software company Nexus Solutions prohibited all clothing but little sailor suits. Given the need for our workplace to have a more professional appearance, we are instituting a...Read more...

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MAR-A-LAGO, FL-Still reeling from the recently unsealed federal indictment that included over 37 felony counts against him, 45th president of the United States Donald Trump spent a contemplative morning in his office Thursday tapping golf balls into Rudy Giuliani's mouth. Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, what am I to do?" said...Read more...

Hunter Biden, the son of sitting President Joe Biden, is expected to plead guilty to two federal misdemeanor counts of failing to pay upwards of $100,000 in income taxes in 2017 and 2018. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about Biden opting to take a plea agreement, and this is what they said.Read more...

Around one in three Americans say they have used fertility treatments or know someone who has in the effort to successfully conceive a child, but there are many considerations that go into choosing a fertility treatment that's right for you. The Onion takes a deep dive into the kinds of fertility treatments out there.

RIO RANCHO, NM-Providing sources with a wishy-washy response to the question, local man Terrence Chase confirmed Thursday that he would not necessarily describe himself as at risk of suicide, but he was definitely open to it. It's not something I would commit to at this time, but who knows, things change-I could be...Read more...

VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES-Insisting that their unimaginable wealth isolated them from the hard day-to-day work of blood harvesting, the world's billionaires released a collective statement Thursday knocking out-of-touch centibillionaires for not knowing how much a gallon of adrenochrome costs. These ultra, ultrarich...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Underscoring the impact of the pandemic on student learning, a new study released Wednesday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. students are unable to name all 50 numbers. Assessments taken from students during the 2022 to 2023 school year showed that the majority of students can only name...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-The internet was lit ablaze with fierce debate Wednesday morning as cooking podcast host Lisa Quinn was reportedly under fire for her controversial claim that vaccines give you potatoes. I'm just saying that there is data indicating that there are otherwise healthy people, kids even, who get vaccinated,...Read more...

Commentator Joe Rogan has a history of making contentious and problematic remarks on his incredibly popular podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience. The Onion examines some of his most controversial statements.Read more...

KALAMATA, GREECE-With time running out to ensure that no one made it out alive, emergency crews were dispatched Wednesday to help a boat full of refugees sink. As soon as it became clear that a ship off the coast was carrying displaced peoples from the Middle East and North Africa, we immediately rushed into action...Read more...

ATLANTIC OCEAN-In the midst of a frantic search for the missing OceanGate submersible on Wednesday, rescue teams reportedly detected the sound of Savage Garden's Truly, Madly, Deeply" playing underwater. We have yet to identify the source, but nearby the site of Titan's disappearance, we began picking up the upbeat...Read more...

DAYTON, OH-In a scenario that bystanders referred to as ripped directly from the pages of Isaac Asimov, a real-life science fiction premise reportedly played out Wednesday as local man Gregory Winters employed a so-called mechanical pencil. Why, it's as if the lead is spontaneously generating from that-what was...Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to connect with voters while on the 2024 campaign trail, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) ended a fundraiser Tuesday by approaching a World War II veteran and shaking his tongue. Several reports indicated that the governor first noticed the D-Day veteran at the press event, at which point he...Read more...

Illinois has become the first state to legislate against the banning of books in public libraries, a practice that has been on the rise across the United States as conservatives look to suppress some books dealing with race, history, and LGBTQ topics. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON-Calling the venture the first step in a sweeping plan to transform the nation's infrastructure, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Wednesday a $1 billion investment in horses. Horses can walk on all types of terrains, which is great because it means we won't need roads," said Secretary of...Read more...

SEATTLE-Debuting a new, streamlined classification system, librarians at the Seattle Central Library announced Wednesday that they have officially dropped the Dewey Decimal System in favor of organizing all titles under B" for books. This is going to make things so much easier for staff, as well as for patrons who...Read more...

DES MOINES, IA-Accusing the woman of engaging in a questionable" amount of work on her emotional wellbeing, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 30-year-old Emma Offner was getting a little old for self-discovery. Trying to learn anything new about yourself past the age of, like, 26 is honestly super cringy," said...Read more...

AUSTIN-Expressing astonishment at the new mind-blowing revelation, podcaster and former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan was reportedly stunned Tuesday after a 5-year-old told him that horseys come from outer-space. Whoa, this is huge, man-nobody in the mainstream media is talking about this," said Rogan, speaking to his...Read more...

BOSTON, MA-Ramping up search and rescue efforts to locate the missing OceanGate tourist vessel, the U.S. Coast Guard told reporters Tuesday they sent out another submersible full of billionaires after the first one. We've enlisted another team of wealthy explorers to take part in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Eyes welling up with tears as their time together came to an end, federal agents reportedly gazed at a photo of Hunter Biden's penis one last time Tuesday before officially closing the pertinent investigation. I suppose that's the end of things between you and me, old friend," said Justice Department...Read more...

DORAL, FL-In response to a missing submersible intended to take tourists to the site of the Titanic wreckage, a new Carnival Cruise Line advertisement released Tuesday claimed we don't look so bad now, do we? Everyone always said that our ships are floating, disease-ridden hellholes, but with everything going on, it...Read more...

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Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love, announced that she is halting the release of her next book following a massive" backlash about its setting in Russia. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE, MD-Calling the trial a huge breakthrough in behavioral science, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Tuesday they had trained mice to choose between life-saving medications and other essentials. In this first-of-its-kind experiment, we were able to successfully teach rodents to make a...Read more...

TAOS, NM-Watching the odd phenomenon form on the horizon, local man Charles Roche told reporters Tuesday that hopefully the mushroom cloud was nothing major. Looks a bit ominous I suppose, but it probably doesn't pose any kind of big threat," said Roche, adding that there was a good chance that the quickly expanding...Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO-Calling it a transformative process that he hopes will inspire others," local white man Todd Garrett announced Tuesday that he would soon begin his natural hair journey, according to his blog. I am proud to say that I am taking real steps to unlearn the Eurocentric, biased beauty standards that tell me...Read more...

MARIN COUNTY, CA-Ceasing operations due to an instance of recidivism among a former inmate, San Quentin State Prison shut down Tuesday after it came to light that supposedly rehabilitated ex-convict Roger Zezner had committed more crimes. Unfortunately, San Quentin has been forced to close down after reports that an...Read more...

Assigned to oversee Donald Trump's federal case regarding his alleged mishandling of classified documents, Judge Aileen Cannon was criticized for previously ruling in favor of the former president who appointed her to the position. Here's everything you need to know about Judge Aileen Cannon.Read more...

RALEIGH, NC-Describing the woman as bafflingly at peace with the simple enjoyment of her hobby, confused sources confirmed Monday that a local fucking weirdo was really good at something that she wasn't trying to capitalize on. She's so good at this it could be a secondary source of income, and yet she seems to have...Read more...

NEW YORK-In an indicator suggesting the gig economy was still thriving, a study released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that more Americans were taking on third jobs to help keep the nation's CEOs afloat. Despite the robust job market, our findings indicate that far more Americans are...Read more...

CHICAGO-In a major breakthrough for reproductive health, scientists at the University of Chicago announced Monday that they have developed an even more painful form of female contraception. This highly advanced female contraceptive method is capable of providing patients with 500% more agony than any other product on...Read more...

CHARLESTON, SC-Claiming that the opportunity to give in to all his most base and depraved impulses would definitely hit the spot, local man Randall Guthrie told reporters Monday he could really go for an unbridled bacchanalia of earthly delights right about now. I don't know what it is, but I've been getting the most...Read more...

Pride month is recognized each June in remembrance of the 1969 Stonewall Uprising in Manhattan, when a police raid at a gay club sparked the riot that began the gay rights movement. While at its core Pride is a celebration of and for the LGBTQ+ community, straight people often join in the festivities. We talked to...Read more...

A Manhattan jury found former President Donald J. Trump liable for the sexual abuse of writer E. Jean Carroll in a widely watched civil trial, with the jury awarding her $5 million in damages for her battery and defamation claims. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Asserting that they had never indicated that such behavior was remotely acceptable, the nation’s gyms released a joint statement Thursday announcing that they weren’t sure where people got the idea they were allowed to be naked in locker rooms. “We don’t know why anyone would believe it’s appropriate to…Read more...

CAMDEN, NJ—The entire executive team of the Campbell Soup Company held a press conference Wednesday morning to announce that soup will set you free. “Campbell’s soup will cut the shackles! Campbell’s soup will make you whole!” CEO Mark Clouse proclaimed as the rest of the Campbell’s C-suite wailed, rended their…Read more...

NEW YORK—Becoming the latest victim in a string of similar incidents taking place near the fast food franchise, local man Brandon Turner reportedly died Wednesday after being pushed by a stranger into a Subway restaurant. “You could see the horror in his eyes as he tumbled backwards toward the foot-long Sweet Onion…Read more...

If you’re unable to leverage your spawn for cash, then frankly, your kid’s probably an uggo. The Onion asked momfluencers how they defend using their children for clicks, and this is what they said.Read more...

Billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg competed in his first local jiu-jitsu tournament, announcing on Instagram that he won gold and silver medals. What do you think?Read more...

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Fearing the worst after catching her partner taking care of himself, local woman Lorena Gonzalez worried Tuesday that her boyfriend Kyle Morland was cheating after noticing he had picked up a healthy habit. “I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that he’s fooling…Read more...

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ANN ARBOR, MI—Addressing the woman who was growing to be more of a stranger every day, local man Ted Everett reportedly tried to save his marriage Tuesday by complimenting his wife’s jacket. “It looks really nice on you,” said Everett, telling his wife of five years that it “fits [her] really well” and asking …Read more...

MCLEAN, VA—Noting there would be no effect on the product’s appearance or taste, M&M’s announced Tuesday that 1 in every 100 of the company’s candies would now act as an abortion pill. “If you need to terminate a pregnancy in a state where it is legally impossible to do so, then, statistically speaking, you could just…Read more...

Yeah, sex is cool, but have you tried being an incel? If you happen to know an incel or are currently being harassed by one, here are things you should never say.Read more...

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Officials have reportedly been dealing with a high volume of player complaints in the first weeks of the season as Little Leaguers express concerns that introducing a pitch clock would cut into their grass-picking time. “I get that they want to speed up the pace of play, but this pitch clock is going…Read more...