The Onion

NEW YORK-Earning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated children's TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents during their scheduled weekly sex, sources confirmed Monday. We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to...Read more...

In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW GLARUS, WI-Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen's at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. Honestly, I'm happy knowing what these dirty blond...Read more...

CHICAGO-Standing with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late pig's daughter down the aisle at her wedding, sources confirmed Friday. Your father wrote a letter before he passed away asking that whoever...Read more...

This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone else's garage so you won't have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of current residents.Read more...

WICHITA, KS-Complaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadn't removed its now-rotting Santa Claus from a seasonal display in the mall. He looked nice when they first put him there, right after Thanksgiving, but now that he's all...Read more...

Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America's Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is...Read more...

Rather than specify that a government, army, or police officer killed civilians, many news outlets prefer merely to say that those civilians were killed." The Onion investigates the pros and cons of using the passive voice in journalism.Read more...

PHILADELPHIA-Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979's Rocky II. God, the part where Rocky's training right-handed instead of southpaw-oh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits...Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA-Touting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk...Read more...

The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.Read more...

The Federal Trade Commission has barred employers from including noncompete clauses, which prevent individuals for leaving the company to work for a competitor for certain lengths of time, in their employees' contracts, in an effort to increase wages and competition. What do you think?Read more...

OLATHE, KS-Assuaging a client's concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a pervert's erection hitting an air duct. In an old house...Read more...

LINCOLN, NE-Warning that crime among the nation's youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa...Read more...

MIDDLETOWN, OH-Shocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. My God-ragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmas-does anyone else know about this?" said one source, marveling over...Read more...

PARADISE, NV-Expressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam band's four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Sphere's visuals than a projection of the group's website URL. Given what a...Read more...

VATICAN-Their excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiff's appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peter's Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy...Read more...

Nike came under fire recently after its women's uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more needlessly revealing than the men's. The Onion asked female athletes how they felt about the outfits, and this is what they said.Read more...

Being his sexual plaything doesn't seem so bad once you realize you get to wake up to amazing views on his private island every day!Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Conceding that the ethical dilemmas raised by holding onto such an artifact had proven too great, Harvard University announced Wednesday the demolition of Houghton Library, an edifice covered in tanned human skin. After careful consideration and consultation with experts in the field, the administration...Read more...

TAOS, NM-Returning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. Well, I've certainly had enough of those," the 35-year-old said to himself,...Read more...

NEW YORK-Violating the judge's order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. Given the defendant's willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court's instruction not to shank...Read more...

CARMEL, IN-Though they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasn't wearing the shirt their wife picked out for them. Sources confirmed that someone, who shall remain nameless, had shown up to a nice dinner party in a shirt that was not the one from the...Read more...

THE HEAVENS-Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. I'm so sorry-I know I've always said you were created in My image, but that's not...Read more...

MISSOULA, MT-Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this...Read more...

Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk's $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.Read more...

JERSEY CITY-Lurking ominously as her unsuspecting prey lay naked with his clothes strewn at the foot of the bed, local man Greg Jensen's girlfriend peeked up over his torso during a blow job Monday like a gator in the bayou. According to terrified sources, Jensen's girlfriend, much like an amphibious killer roaming...Read more...

The so-called Western dating crisis has condemned countless men to a solitary life in which they cannot experience the joy of having a wife who exists solely to feed and pleasure them. The Onion explores how the terrifying epidemic of male loneliness could finally be solved if someone were to invent and sell robot...Read more...

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AURORA, IL-Wondering aloud to himself why they made those things so damn small, local dad Henry Jackson reportedly blew through 10 of his child's snack packs in one sitting Monday. Goddamn, no matter how many of these I eat, I'm still hungry," said the father of two, who, in the span of a single commercial break...Read more...

SALISBURY, NC-Stressing that he did not need to put up with that kind of attitude, a local skydiving instructor reported Monday that he was not going to open the parachute until you changed your tone. To be honest, I feel like I deserve more respect than what you're giving me right now, especially when you're the one...Read more...

I mean, let's be real, the kitchen is gorgeous and all the hardwood floors are completely original and in impeccable condition, but Ohio? Come on. We don't even know where Powell is.Read more...

DENVER-Insisting a third party be present when they made the announcement, the nation's therapists held a press conference Monday in which they refused to see you anymore because you scare them. I'm sorry, but it frightens us how disturbed and unwell you are, and because of that, we cannot continue on with you as our...Read more...

REDWOOD CITY, CA-As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn't exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute. Well, I guess that's egg on...Read more...

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ROME-Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to arrogantly compare his plight to that of Jesus Christ. Look, I feel for...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Drawing swift backlash from critics concerned about the agency's spending, the Internal Revenue Service came under fire Friday for blowing $350 million to develop a massively multiplayer tax-filing video game entitled Tales Of Revenue. When I first downloaded it from IRS.gov, I thought it'd just be a...Read more...

WASHINGTON-With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president's flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South Lawn of the executive mansion. Oh, man, the poor little guy must've fallen in...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. After working together on six different films, Scorsese is beyond excited to team up with Leo and bring...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift's The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist's sink not draining good because it was clogged by long hair. Swift subverted expectations that she would address her...Read more...

Iowa women's basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Women's National Basketball Association.Read more...

CHAMPAIGN, IL-As she struggled to pull open the cafe door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone's attention and obviously hoping the sad display would lead to one of them asking where her other arm went. Oh Lord, I wonder...Read more...