The Onion

NEW YORK-Describing the time-tested method as a nearly guaranteed way of attracting a mate's interest, a report released Thursday by Columbia University's Department of Social Psychology found that the best pickup technique remained approaching a woman and saying Ditch this zero and get with a hero." Our findings suggest this short phrase has an almost [...]The post Report: Best Pickup Technique Remains Approaching Woman And Saying Ditch This Zero And Get With A Hero' appeared first on The Onion.

DUBOIS, WY-Saying the one-size-fits-all approach had yet to let him down, a local ram told reporters Thursday that he would stop headbutting things when headbutting things stopped working. Say what you will about it, there's pretty much no problem in my life that can't be solved by lowering my head, charging forward, and smacking my [...]The post Ram Will Stop Headbutting Things When Headbutting Things Stops Working appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Pointing to the mounting scientific evidence showing the risks of using such explosive devices, outgoing U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory this week in which he recommended adding cancer warning labels to all nuclear bombs. Nuclear bombs can cause cancer anywhere they are detonated, yet far too few Americans understand the dangers of [...]The post Surgeon General Recommends Adding Cancer Warning To All Nuclear Bombs appeared first on The Onion.

JACKSONVILLE, FL-Saying he had grown irritated with all the people who wanted to know if his occupation was anything like the popular Netflix series, black market organ dealer Randy Haines told reporters Wednesday he was tired of being asked if he had ever seen Squid Game. I'm sure it's a perfectly fine show, but it's [...]The post Black Market Organ Dealer Tired Of Being Asked If He's Seen Squid Game' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Saying the best healthy eating habits are the ones people can realistically stick to in the long term, a panel of New York University nutritionists issued recommendations Wednesday that included following the occasional trail of sweets into a dark forest to help manage cravings. If your sweet tooth is making it difficult to stay [...]The post Nutritionists Recommend Following Occasional Trail Of Sweets Into Dark Forest To Help Manage Cravings appeared first on The Onion.

SPRINGFIELD, IL-Describing the items on the shelf as yet other example of the woke nonsense" abetting the feminization of American men, local conservative Nick Schwab, 54, told reporters Wednesday he was outraged by the availability of tampons and other period products in men's grocery stores. This is fucking unbelievable-what if I'd had my son with [...]The post Conservative Outraged Tampons Available In Men's Grocery Stores appeared first on The Onion.

BEEKMAN, NY-Upon receiving the news that his name had somehow been included in an executive order granting clemency to nearly 1,600 rioters, Mark David Chapman reportedly decided to just go with it Monday when he was pardoned alongside the Jan. 6 defendants. Well, sure, I guess I'll just say here that I've been held hostage [...]The post Mark David Chapman Decides To Just Go With It After Receiving January 6 Pardon appeared first on The Onion.

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SEATTLE-Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos-Lauren Sanchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. Oh, shit, it's $290 million?" the visibly annoyed Yorkin said as he stared at the Zola page for the Amazon billionaire [...]The post Man Groans After Only Thing Left On Bezos Wedding Registry New Rocket Booster appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Revealing a precipitous decline in the nation's access to a once-plentiful resource, an alarming study published Tuesday by Harvard's T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that only one in four Americans can get a motherfuckin' hell yeah." It's no secret that peer enthusiasm is harder to come by than it was in previous [...]The post Alarming Study Finds Only 1 In 4 Americans Can Get A Motherfuckin' Hell Yeah' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Placing his right hand on the collection of posts taken from the controversial message board, JD Vance was reportedly sworn in as vice president Monday on a stack of printed-out 4chan greentexts. I, James David Vance, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign [...]The post JD Vance Sworn In On Stack Of Printed 4chan Greentexts appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror,Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential inauguration Monday. Ooooh shiiiiit, what the fuck was that?" said the bewildered former Fox News host, who, after stumbling out of the vehicle [...]The post Pete Hegseth Crashes Golf Cart Into Inauguration Stage appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Not bothering to conceal her phone screen, Melania Trump was reportedly swiping through Raya matches Monday in full view of television cameras. The former andincoming first lady of the United States was captured in close-up by various news networks perusing profiles on the celebrity dating app during her husband's inauguration ceremony, occasionally pausing to zoom [...]The post Melania Trump Swiping Through Raya Matches In Full View Of Cameras appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet-this is a day we'll tell our children about," Musk said as he slowly panned his phone's [...]The post Elon Musk Holds Up AI Girlfriend App So She Can See appeared first on The Onion.

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CAIRO-Finally solving the mystery of how such architectural wonders could have been built with primitive tools in ancient times, Egyptologists from Cambridge University announced Thursday that they had unearthed depictions of the simple ramps and levers that aliens used to build the pyramids at Giza. Shortly after traveling to Earth in their quantum-drive spaceships, extraterrestrials [...]The post Egyptologists Unearth Depictions Of Simple Ramps, Levers Aliens Used To Build Pyramids appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-As they shooed a herd of giraffes into a nearby bathroom, workers told reporters Friday that they were frantically scrambling to hide all of the San DiegoZoo's animals ahead of a visit from the landlord. He texted an hour ago saying he was dropping in to check the garbage disposal, so we've been running [...]The post CityZooScrambles To Hide Animals Ahead Of Landlord Visit appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Watching in horror as the hulking feline pounced on the commander-in-chief scampering across the White House lawn, officials confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden was batted around by a relentless giant cat. Hey, kitty, kitty-please, no!" said Biden, who looked desperately over his shoulder in search of his Secret Service detail and yelped out in [...]The post Biden Batted Around By Giant Cat appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a chaotic scene that saw young people screaming and ducking for cover in the moments after the hip-hop star was served from a passing vehicle, witnesses confirmed Thursday morning that Kendrick Lamar had been hit with a drive-by summons outside an L.A. nightclub. It all happened so fast-one minute Kendrick was standing around [...]The post Kendrick Lamar Hit With Drive-By Summons Outside L.A. Nightclub appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. I've decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the rest of the 2020s," said Obama, speaking to reporters through an intercom by the front [...]The post Michelle Obama Confirms She Will Skip Rest Of Decade appeared first on The Onion.

SOUTH PLAINFIELD, NJ-Having been informed that he canceled a major stop on his big world tour just to be with them on a Thursday afternoon, residents at Golden Horizons Senior Care Center were told the man playing accordion for them in the facility's dining room was Billy Joel. That's right, folks, the Piano Man himself [...]The post Nursing Home Told Man Playing Accordion For Them Is Billy Joel appeared first on The Onion.

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NEOSHO, MO-Confused by the sudden directive to neutralize any threats" to the leader of the popular kitchen appliance brand, corporate security officer Tim Mulrooney was reportedly unsure Wednesday why he had been assigned to guard theCEOofCrock-Pot. A person from the company called in a panic last week and said the CEO needed to beef up' [...]The post Corporate Security Detail Not Sure Why They Guarding Crock-Pot CEO appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. While Target used to have a loyal customer base that would leave the store laden with everything from cosmetics to home decor, millions of U.S. shoppers are [...]The post Target Losing Market Share As More Americans Opt To Forgo All Earthly Possessions appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. Last year I tried this huge total eclipse, and that didn't do shit," the sun said [...]The post Sun Unsure What It Has To Do To Get Humans To Worship It Again appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Noticing everyone else's phone simultaneously buzzing throughout a meeting, Vice President-elect JD Vance began to suspect there was another group chat among Trump's senior staff that he wasn't part of, sources confirmed Monday. It can't be a coincidence that they all keep looking down at their phones and chuckling at the same time," [...]The post JD Vance Begins To Suspect There Another Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Revealing a steep decline in the populace's knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. The ability to recite from memory the names of each of the nation's residents used to be a basic component [...]The post Distressing Survey Finds Most U.S. Citizens Unable To Name All 340 Million Americans appeared first on The Onion.

LOCATION CLASSIFIED-Grumbling Not this shit again" as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy Sandman" Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog to quietly dispatch his team one by one. Man, it really ticks me off when I deploy for [...]The post Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny Friday. With this one-cent coin, we honor John Wilkes Booth, a man who, while not perfect, altered the course of our nation in indelible ways," said the mint's director, Ventris [...]The post U.S. Mint Introduces New Controversial John Wilkes Booth Pennies appeared first on The Onion.