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on (#6CBHQ)
DAYTON, OH-In a scenario that bystanders referred to as ripped directly from the pages of Isaac Asimov, a real-life science fiction premise reportedly played out Wednesday as local man Gregory Winters employed a so-called mechanical pencil. Why, it's as if the lead is spontaneously generating from that-what was...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-03-06 23:04 |
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on (#6CBAA)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to connect with voters while on the 2024 campaign trail, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) ended a fundraiser Tuesday by approaching a World War II veteran and shaking his tongue. Several reports indicated that the governor first noticed the D-Day veteran at the press event, at which point he...Read more...
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on (#6CBAB)
Illinois has become the first state to legislate against the banning of books in public libraries, a practice that has been on the rise across the United States as conservatives look to suppress some books dealing with race, history, and LGBTQ topics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CB8W)
WASHINGTON-Calling the venture the first step in a sweeping plan to transform the nation's infrastructure, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Wednesday a $1 billion investment in horses. Horses can walk on all types of terrains, which is great because it means we won't need roads," said Secretary of...Read more...
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on (#6CB8X)
SEATTLE-Debuting a new, streamlined classification system, librarians at the Seattle Central Library announced Wednesday that they have officially dropped the Dewey Decimal System in favor of organizing all titles under B" for books. This is going to make things so much easier for staff, as well as for patrons who...Read more...
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on (#6CB8Z)
DES MOINES, IA-Accusing the woman of engaging in a questionable" amount of work on her emotional wellbeing, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 30-year-old Emma Offner was getting a little old for self-discovery. Trying to learn anything new about yourself past the age of, like, 26 is honestly super cringy," said...Read more...
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on (#6CAVF)
AUSTIN-Expressing astonishment at the new mind-blowing revelation, podcaster and former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan was reportedly stunned Tuesday after a 5-year-old told him that horseys come from outer-space. Whoa, this is huge, man-nobody in the mainstream media is talking about this," said Rogan, speaking to his...Read more...
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on (#6CAR3)
BOSTON, MA-Ramping up search and rescue efforts to locate the missing OceanGate tourist vessel, the U.S. Coast Guard told reporters Tuesday they sent out another submersible full of billionaires after the first one. We've enlisted another team of wealthy explorers to take part in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to...Read more...
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on (#6CAR4)
WASHINGTON-Eyes welling up with tears as their time together came to an end, federal agents reportedly gazed at a photo of Hunter Biden's penis one last time Tuesday before officially closing the pertinent investigation. I suppose that's the end of things between you and me, old friend," said Justice Department...Read more...
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on (#6CAR5)
DORAL, FL-In response to a missing submersible intended to take tourists to the site of the Titanic wreckage, a new Carnival Cruise Line advertisement released Tuesday claimed we don't look so bad now, do we? Everyone always said that our ships are floating, disease-ridden hellholes, but with everything going on, it...Read more...
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on (#6CANZ)
Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love, announced that she is halting the release of her next book following a massive" backlash about its setting in Russia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CAP0)
BALTIMORE, MD-Calling the trial a huge breakthrough in behavioral science, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Tuesday they had trained mice to choose between life-saving medications and other essentials. In this first-of-its-kind experiment, we were able to successfully teach rodents to make a...Read more...
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on (#6CAKC)
TAOS, NM-Watching the odd phenomenon form on the horizon, local man Charles Roche told reporters Tuesday that hopefully the mushroom cloud was nothing major. Looks a bit ominous I suppose, but it probably doesn't pose any kind of big threat," said Roche, adding that there was a good chance that the quickly expanding...Read more...
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on (#6CAFC)
SAN FRANCISCO-Calling it a transformative process that he hopes will inspire others," local white man Todd Garrett announced Tuesday that he would soon begin his natural hair journey, according to his blog. I am proud to say that I am taking real steps to unlearn the Eurocentric, biased beauty standards that tell me...Read more...
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on (#6CA7W)
MARIN COUNTY, CA-Ceasing operations due to an instance of recidivism among a former inmate, San Quentin State Prison shut down Tuesday after it came to light that supposedly rehabilitated ex-convict Roger Zezner had committed more crimes. Unfortunately, San Quentin has been forced to close down after reports that an...Read more...
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on (#6CA7B)
Assigned to oversee Donald Trump's federal case regarding his alleged mishandling of classified documents, Judge Aileen Cannon was criticized for previously ruling in favor of the former president who appointed her to the position. Here's everything you need to know about Judge Aileen Cannon.Read more...
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on (#6C9H3)
RALEIGH, NC-Describing the woman as bafflingly at peace with the simple enjoyment of her hobby, confused sources confirmed Monday that a local fucking weirdo was really good at something that she wasn't trying to capitalize on. She's so good at this it could be a secondary source of income, and yet she seems to have...Read more...
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on (#6C9H4)
NEW YORK-In an indicator suggesting the gig economy was still thriving, a study released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that more Americans were taking on third jobs to help keep the nation's CEOs afloat. Despite the robust job market, our findings indicate that far more Americans are...Read more...
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on (#6C9EV)
CHICAGO-In a major breakthrough for reproductive health, scientists at the University of Chicago announced Monday that they have developed an even more painful form of female contraception. This highly advanced female contraceptive method is capable of providing patients with 500% more agony than any other product on...Read more...
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on (#6C9EW)
CHARLESTON, SC-Claiming that the opportunity to give in to all his most base and depraved impulses would definitely hit the spot, local man Randall Guthrie told reporters Monday he could really go for an unbridled bacchanalia of earthly delights right about now. I don't know what it is, but I've been getting the most...Read more...
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on (#6C9DH)
Pride month is recognized each June in remembrance of the 1969 Stonewall Uprising in Manhattan, when a police raid at a gay club sparked the riot that began the gay rights movement. While at its core Pride is a celebration of and for the LGBTQ+ community, straight people often join in the festivities. We talked to...Read more...
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on (#6BNNF)
A Manhattan jury found former President Donald J. Trump liable for the sexual abuse of writer E. Jean Carroll in a widely watched civil trial, with the jury awarding her $5 million in damages for her battery and defamation claims. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BNK8)
WASHINGTON—Asserting that they had never indicated that such behavior was remotely acceptable, the nation’s gyms released a joint statement Thursday announcing that they weren’t sure where people got the idea they were allowed to be naked in locker rooms. “We don’t know why anyone would believe it’s appropriate to…Read more...
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on (#6BMAQ)
CAMDEN, NJ—The entire executive team of the Campbell Soup Company held a press conference Wednesday morning to announce that soup will set you free. “Campbell’s soup will cut the shackles! Campbell’s soup will make you whole!” CEO Mark Clouse proclaimed as the rest of the Campbell’s C-suite wailed, rended their…Read more...
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on (#6BM9D)
NEW YORK—Becoming the latest victim in a string of similar incidents taking place near the fast food franchise, local man Brandon Turner reportedly died Wednesday after being pushed by a stranger into a Subway restaurant. “You could see the horror in his eyes as he tumbled backwards toward the foot-long Sweet Onion…Read more...
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on (#6BM9E)
If you’re unable to leverage your spawn for cash, then frankly, your kid’s probably an uggo. The Onion asked momfluencers how they defend using their children for clicks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BM92)
Billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg competed in his first local jiu-jitsu tournament, announcing on Instagram that he won gold and silver medals. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BKK7)
SAN ANTONIO, TX—Fearing the worst after catching her partner taking care of himself, local woman Lorena Gonzalez worried Tuesday that her boyfriend Kyle Morland was cheating after noticing he had picked up a healthy habit. “I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that he’s fooling…Read more...
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on (#6BK4X)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Addressing the woman who was growing to be more of a stranger every day, local man Ted Everett reportedly tried to save his marriage Tuesday by complimenting his wife’s jacket. “It looks really nice on you,” said Everett, telling his wife of five years that it “fits [her] really well” and asking …Read more...
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on (#6BK4Y)
MCLEAN, VA—Noting there would be no effect on the product’s appearance or taste, M&M’s announced Tuesday that 1 in every 100 of the company’s candies would now act as an abortion pill. “If you need to terminate a pregnancy in a state where it is legally impossible to do so, then, statistically speaking, you could just…Read more...
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on (#6BK2N)
Yeah, sex is cool, but have you tried being an incel? If you happen to know an incel or are currently being harassed by one, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#6BK2Q)
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Officials have reportedly been dealing with a high volume of player complaints in the first weeks of the season as Little Leaguers express concerns that introducing a pitch clock would cut into their grass-picking time. “I get that they want to speed up the pace of play, but this pitch clock is going…Read more...
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on (#6BJA4)
An art installation by Maurizio Cattelan that featured a ripe banana taped to a wall at a Seoul art museum was devoured by a college student, who defended himself by saying he was “hungry” after skipping breakfast. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BGGS)
LONDON—Crashing through the stained glass window of Westminster Abbey in a desperate attempt to free himself, a panicked King Charles III was seen flailing wildly Saturday after getting his head stuck inside the coronation crown. “Help! Help! Get me out of this godforsaken crown this instant!” said the king, who tried…Read more...
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on (#6BG2S)
WASHINGTON—Telling critics in Congress that if they wanted serious reform they simply needed to make it worth his while, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas promised Friday he would adopt a code of ethics for the right price. “After hearing out the Senate Judiciary Committee’s concerns, I admit to seeing the…Read more...
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on (#6BF36)
Text messages from Tucker Carlson set off a panic inside Fox News after their revelation, showcasing the former host’s private and often alarming innermost thoughts. Here, obtained by The Onion in an exclusive trove from an anonymous source, are the complete and unredacted texts that reportedly led to his firing.Read more...
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on (#6BEZK)
NEW YORK—In a viral video that has put heightened pressure on local authorities, a vigilante reportedly killed Eric Adams Thursday after he acted erratically as mayor of New York. “While I didn’t want to do it, [Adams] was ranting and raving incoherently, making me fear for my safety and the safety of everyone around…Read more...
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on (#6BEC5)
Concertgoers say an attendee at a Los Angeles Philharmonic performance this past week reportedly had what one witness called “a loud and full-body orgasm” during Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BDP1)
Thousands of film and television writers who are members of the WGA are on strike for the first time since 2007, a move that could bring an immediate halt to the production of many television shows and possibly delay the start of new seasons of others later this year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BDP2)
WASHINGTON—In a rare unanimous opinion that did not pertain to any case pending before them, the nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court issued a brief but official order Wednesday that stated, “We wear gold crowns now.” “In addition to our long black robes—which henceforth will be woven from the finest velvet and…Read more...
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on (#6BD86)
Republicans in Congress are attempting to use the debt ceiling standoff to push work requirements for food stamp recipients. The Onion asked politicians why they support the controversial bill, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BD6A)
NORTH HAVEN, CT—With friends and family celebrating his storied life in the wake of his recent passing, sources confirmed this week that a local 89-year-old man left behind a rich history of processing and excreting nutrients. “Throughout his life, he almost never missed an opportunity to place food into his mouth,…Read more...
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on (#6BD6C)
KINSHASA, ZAIRE—Ordering rescue helicopters to the long-fallen nation, U.S. personnel were reportedly evacuated from the Zaire embassy Wednesday amid the country not existing for over 25 years. “We have found it untenable to maintain a diplomatic presence in the central African nation of Zaire given the current state…Read more...
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