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on (#67D30)
A pair of white, heavy-duty miner’s pants pulled from a 1857 shipwreck, which auction officials described as the oldest known pair of jeans in the world, have sold at auction for $114,000. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-28 17:00 |
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on (#67D31)
KENT, WA—Touting the new line of chewable tablets as a cold-weather essential for outdoor gastric activity, retailer REI announced Monday that it had begun offering a new line of fleece supplements designed to insulate the digestive tract. “Just in time for those chilly winter hikes and camping trips, we’re…Read more...
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on (#67D2R)
If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#67D2T)
New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67ATK)
South Korea passed laws to scrap its traditional method of counting ages, in which citizens are deemed to be a year old when born with a year added every Jan. 1, and adopt the international standard, causing everyone to lose one or two years of age. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67ART)
INDIANAPOLIS—Circulating the image widely, local police released a composite sketch Friday of what the department preferred the murder suspect they were hunting to look like. “We’ve been able to put together this photo-realistic drawing of the murderer based on what witnesses have told us, as well as what we think…Read more...
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on (#679V1)
CHAMPAIGN, IL—After failing to identify the legal owner within the standard 90 days, police officials announced Thursday that they would allow a local jogger to keep the body she found since no one claimed it. “We held it in lost and found for the mandatory waiting period, but no one turned up to claim it or even…Read more...
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on (#678SG)
A new census report shows that England is no longer majority Christian, with those claiming Christianity falling from 59% in 2011 to 46%, and citizens claiming no religion rising 12%. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#678SH)
ATLANTA—Making use of a fully automated feature that enables the vehicle to release itself from the guilt and shame of past mistakes, a self-loving Tesla reportedly forgave itself Monday for running over a 6-year-old in a crosswalk on a residential street. “The AI operating system of this Tesla Model 3 allowed it to…Read more...
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on (#678SJ)
NEW YORK—Asserting that America’s favorite no-stick spray had a hidden benefit for younger customers, a new Pam ad campaign released this week reportedly reminded teens that Pam can get them high and was easy to obtain. “Hello, I’m going to cut to the chase for any young viewers watching: you can go out to a…Read more...
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on (#678R4)
A London studio is offering to remove tattoos of the artist now known as Ye for free following a string of controversies surrounding the U.S. rapper. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#678QZ)
Tsh ch-ch-tsh ch-ch-tsh ch-ch-tshRead more...
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on (#677RS)
A Cincinnati harm-reduction vending machine that stocks Narcan and fentanyl test strips for free to drug users has reportedly reversed nearly 600 overdoses. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#676ZW)
Gig economy workers may be subhuman, but they still deserve a modicum of respect. Here are things you should never say to your Amazon delivery driver.Read more...
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on (#676Z0)
MOKENA, IL—Badgering her son and daughter-in-law incessantly throughout the evening, local woman Rhonda Pearson reportedly wanted to know Monday when the couple was going to give her better grandchildren. “I’m just asking for one decent grandchild, that’s all I want,” said Pearson, who explained to the parents of…Read more...
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on (#676YN)
Scientists revived a virus that had been trapped in Siberian permafrost for nearly 50,000 years, bolstering concerns that global warming will lead to ancient pathogens being released as higher temperatures lead to large swaths of permafrost melting. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#674SH)
OLYMPIA, WA—Sneaking it out of the bag without rustling the plastic, local man Nick Juarez reportedly peeled the price tag off of a gift Friday before giving it to his dog. “I don’t want him to know how much I spent,” said Juarez, struggling to remove the sticker from a tag hanging off of a stuffed alligator, adding…Read more...
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on (#674QZ)
WASHINGTON—Touting the currency denomination’s ability to up the stakes of any financial transaction, the U.S. Treasury introduced new wild bills Friday that could be used for any dollar amount. “Starting today, the U.S. Treasury will release several wild bills that can be spent on anything from $1 to $10 to $10,000,”…Read more...
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on (#6746K)
A powerful arctic winter storm making its way through the nation this week will evolve into a rapidly intensifying ‘bomb cyclone,’ with officials warning travelers of flight cancellations and dangerous traffic conditions in the days leading up to Christmas. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#673MH)
JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days, I wish someone had sat down and talked to me about the more dangerous…Read more...
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on (#673JM)
FINDLAY, OH—Clapping his hands with giddy excitement for the first big snow storm of the season, local man James Francis, who has no idea he will spend the holiday trapped in an overturned car, told reporters he is excited to have a white Christmas. “There’s absolutely nothing more magical than waking up, looking out…Read more...
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on (#673G8)
A 97-year-old woman who worked as a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been convicted by a German court of being an accessory to the murder of more than 10,000 people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#672GR)
Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work making toys, loading his sleigh, and getting ready to deliver presents to all of his favorite children around the world! While so many of you have strived to make Santa’s good list this year, Old St. Nick…Read more...
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on (#672D3)
Elon Musk recently posted a poll asking if he should step down as Twitter’s CEO and vowed to abide by the results. With users voting for Musk to relinquish the role, The Onion examines potential candidates to replace him.Read more...
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on (#670G5)
Argentina defeated France in penalty kicks to win the 2022 World Cup, marking the first time since 1986 that the South American nation has won the title. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#670G8)
LONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince Harry reportedly settled their dispute Monday by announcing arranged marriages between their children. “This allows us to put to rest all that nasty feuding and get down to what really matters, which…Read more...
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on (#6700F)
LOS ANGELES—After struggling to keep up with the changing times, actress Meryl Streep was reportedly dropped by her agent this week over her failure to cultivate a massive TikTok following. “We’ve had a great time working with Meryl over the years, but unfortunately, her TikTok numbers just aren’t where they’d need to…Read more...
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on (#6700G)
CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly disappointed Monday that he had reached the bottom of the ice cream carton right when he was hitting his stride. “Oh man, I was in the fucking zone!” said Crenshaw, adding that he had just started feeling “good…Read more...
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on (#6700H)
WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than 10,000 pedestrians are struck every year by drivers rushing to beat the cut-off time for the McDonald’s breakfast menu. “Our estimates show that once every 15 minutes in the U.S., a pedestrian will be…Read more...
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on (#66ZYQ)
If America is going to be a Christian nation, you sure as hell better get the day off. Here’s what to tell your boss if they ask you to work on Christmas day.Read more...
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on (#66ZG0)
LAS VEGAS—Discussing what was riding on the team’s upcoming contest against the Las Vegas Raiders, New England Patriots quarterback Mac Jones reportedly called the game a “must win” after head coach Bill Belichick showed him pictures of Jones’ family sleeping. “Right now, we’re on the cusp of the playoffs, and we…Read more...
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on (#66X9Z)
MILFORD, CT—Rolling out the new mental health initiative at locations nationwide, fast food chain Subway announced this week that it had implemented a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold for anyone thinking of ordering a sandwich from one of its restaurants. “For their own safety and the safety of those around them,…Read more...
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on (#66XA0)
HOBOKEN, NJ—Saying she wanted one within arm’s reach in case of an emergency, local single woman Frances Higgins told reporters Friday that she just felt safer keeping a loaded baked potato in her nightstand. “God forbid I ever have to use it, but I feel better knowing it’s there,” said the 36-year-old woman, who…Read more...
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on (#66X8D)
As the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#66WK9)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 15 games.Read more...
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on (#66VYX)
AMARILLO, TX—Opening his suitcase to reveal a glowing bounty of illegally smuggled lotions, pills, and inhalers, local uncle Steve Palazzo told relatives Thursday he’d found the “score of the century” after he returned from a trip abroad with a treasure trove of prescription medicines. The uninsured 49-year-old, who…Read more...
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on (#66VC0)
President Biden has signed into law the Respect for Marriage Act, mandating federal protections to same-sex and interracial couples, amid fears that the conservative Supreme Court might revisit the right to same-sex marriage after it rescinded the right to an abortion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66TRX)
A recent Keystone Pipeline failure in northeastern Kansas has been contained after an estimated 14,000 barrels of crude oil spilled in a natural waterway, making it the largest spill in the pipeline’s history. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66TQS)
LOS ANGELES—The American people have reportedly forgiven Harvey Weinstein Wednesday after discovering the disgraced mogul has gotten really good at football. “I don’t condone what Harvey did, but man, that guy can run like a demon,” said 38-year-old homemaker Sara Reese, who represented just one of the nation’s 330…Read more...
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on (#66TQ9)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Attributing the move to unspecified supply chain issues, Johnson & Johnson reportedly raised the price of Band-Aids Wednesday to $100,000 apiece. “Beginning next year, an individual, standard-size Band-Aid will cost $100,000, while the price will be higher for larger adhesives and those with cartoon…Read more...
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on (#66T5E)
Arizona Gov. Doug Doucey is erecting an illegal border wall of double-stacked shipping containers along parts of the U.S.–Mexico border, which runs through federal and tribal land, as a final act before he leaves office in January. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66T34)
SAN FRANCISCO—Following a traumatizing incident on stage at a recent Dave Chappelle show, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk reportedly underwent surgery Tuesday to receive an experimental Neuralink brain implant, an attempt to delete the painful memory of being booed by a crowd of 18,000 people. “I don’t want to think about…Read more...
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