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The Onion

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Updated 2025-07-05 11:45
Canada Banning Single-Use Plastics
Canada will be banning the manufacture and importation of single-use plastics by the end of the year, in a sweeping effort to fight pollution and climate change. What do you think?Read more...
TikTok, Do Your Thing: Please Scratch Our Back
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God Brings Into Existence Second God To Do All His Creation For Him
THE HEAVENS—In an effort to delegate more of His divine work, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, has brought into existence a second god who will handle all day-to-day creation duties, sources confirmed Thursday. The new god, known as Brett, will reportedly hold the title of Creator. “I’m thrilled to be bringing Brett…Read more...
Airlines Hiring Anyone Who Looks Good In Crisp Uniform To Offset Pilot Shortage
FORT WORTH, TX—In an effort to address widespread staffing shortfalls related to the ongoing economic downturn, several major airlines announced plans Thursday to just hire anyone who looks good in a crisp pilot uniform. “If you look great in a freshly starched shirt and big captain’s hat, we will hire you on the…Read more...
Elderly Polish Man At Bar Apparently Allowed To Smoke Inside
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The Onion’s Summer 2022 Movie Preview
With the coronavirus pandemic pretend over and summer in full swing, Americans are headed back inside to the movie theaters where it’s nice and cool. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer 2022.
The Walls Are Dripping Blood: Why That Could Be A Good Thing
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IT Guy Requests Employees Stop Placing Difficult-To-Remove Stickers On Him
CHICAGO—Emphasizing that people were specifically forbidden from vandalizing things that were technically company property, local IT guy Ron Freeman told employees Thursday to stop placing difficult-to-remove stickers on him. “Hi all, just a reminder to please, please stop putting stickers on my body—it’s unsightly,…Read more...
Russian Journalist Auctions Off Nobel Peace Prize For $103.5 Million To Help Ukraine
Dmitry Muratov, the co-winner of the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize and the editor of one of Russia’s last major independent newspapers, auctioned off his Nobel medal for a record $103.5 million to aid children displaced by the war in Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
Grandma Coughing Better These Days
LOUISVILLE, KY—Confirming that the woman finally turned a corner after symptoms first developed more than 20 years ago, sources confirmed Thursday that local grandmother Patricia Riner was coughing better these days. “She seems to be turning less purple during it, which is good,” said daughter Lori Billig, Riner’s…Read more...
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Pit Bull
Most pit bull owners are just as insane as the dogs they own. Never say the following things to someone who has a pit bull.Read more...
Supreme Court Approves Use Of Public Money For Religious Education
The Supreme Court ruled that Maine cannot exclude religious schools from a state tuition assistance program, a decision that critics say further erodes the separation of church and state. What do you think?Read more...
Experts Recommend Raising Minimum Age For Committing Mass Shootings To 21
WASHINGTON—In a policy recommendation they described as an important first step toward ending the nation’s gun violence epidemic, experts at the Brookings Institution suggested Wednesday that the minimum age for committing a mass shooting be raised to 21. “Though it would not prevent all deadly gun rampages,…Read more...
New Footage Shows Uvalde Police Rushing Into School To Take Selfies With Shooter
UVALDE, TX—Creating another wave of anger toward the beleaguered police department, new footage released Wednesday showed Uvalde officers rushing into Robb Elementary School to take selfies with the shooter. “These police officers could have stopped the shooter in three minutes, but instead, they wasted over an hour…Read more...
Angry Sea Launches Ballistic Missile Back At North Korea
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Farmer Caught Googling ‘What Is Corn’
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Preacher Not Drenched In Sweat Must Not Be Very Connected To Holy Spirit
SAVANNAH, GA—Remarking upon his ability to proclaim the Gospel of the Lord without his pulse even rising, congregants at the local Church of the Divine Jesus told reporters Wednesday that their preacher, who was not drenched in perspiration, clearly had no direct connection to the Holy Spirit. “How am I supposed to…Read more...
Excerpts From Ginni Thomas’ Emails Attempting To Overturn The 2020 Election
“Tick tock, bitch.”Read more...
Woman Throws Away All The Food In Grocery Store So She Won’t Be Tempted
ORLANDO, FL—Taking stock of anything on the shelves that looked remotely fatty, fried, or processed, local woman Abby Harding reportedly threw away all the food in the grocery store Wednesday so she wouldn’t be tempted. “Oh no, no, no, I know myself—if I have entire aisles of chips, cookies, and ice cream just lying…Read more...
Zoetrope A Little Thin On Plot
SUGAR LAND, TX—Sighing in disappointment at the threadbare narrative techniques on display, local man Leeland Cheney, 43, told reporters Wednesday that he found a zoetrope a little thin on plot. “Of course, it’s technically impressive, but the high-octane thrills of a horse galloping up and down can only keep a…Read more...
Local 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At Camp
HUTCHINSON, KS—Saying he always made sure to enjoy the annual respite from his many tormentors, local 11-year-old Liam Barlow told reporters Wednesday he was savoring the week between being bullied at school and being bullied at camp. “I’ve really been enjoying this little break I get where no one is knocking me on my…Read more...
Texans Explain Why They Are Voting For Greg Abbott
After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.Read more...
BTK Ready To Start Dating Again
EL DORADO, KS—Saying he’d had time to work through many of his personal issues, El Dorado Correctional Facility inmate and serial murderer Dennis Rader, known as the BTK killer, told reporters Tuesday he was ready to start dating again. “Though I haven’t been the best partner—or even person—in the past, I’ve done a…Read more...
Mental Health Experts Warn Lack Of Purpose, Accomplishments Could Be Sign Democratic Leaders Depressed
WASHINGTON—Noting that such behavior pointed to a textbook diagnosis of the psychological disorder, Georgetown University mental health researchers released a study Tuesday warning that the lack of purpose, accomplishments, and all-around drive among the nation’s Democratic leaders could be a sign they are depressed.…Read more...
China Says It May Have Detected Signals From Alien Civilizations
Scientists in China have claimed that the country’s enormous “Sky Eye” telescope may have picked up trace signals from a distant alien civilization in a recently posted and subsequently deleted report. What do you think?Read more...
Encouraging Report Finds Most Of Planet Will Still Be Habitable In 2023
NEW YORK—Reversing long-held theories about the potentially devastating effects of climate change, scientists published an encouraging report Monday that found most of the planet would still be habitable in 2023. “While many are understandably nervous about the future of our rapidly changing world, our data…Read more...
Britney Spears Placed Under Conservatorship Again After Court Determines She’s Having Too Much Fun
LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by what she called “confident and carefree behavior,” a superior court judge reportedly placed Britney Spears back under a conservatorship Monday after determining the pop star was having too much fun. “Ms. Spears is clearly having the time of her life in a way I find extremely concerning,” said…Read more...
Christian Parents Encourage Child To Save Self For Church Leader
HOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and Rebecca Bell have encouraged their daughter to save herself for a church leader, sources confirmed Monday. “Whether he’s a minister, youth pastor, or high-ranking member on the executive committee, we…Read more...
Biggest Revelations From The Jan. 6 Hearings
In perhaps its most shocking takeaway, the Jan. 6 committee revealed the election was rigged.Read more...
Grandma Didn’t Exactly Live In 6 Countries Because She Loved To Travel
OAK PARK, IL—Upon receiving information that dispelled his previously held notion that the woman was just “a real jet-setter,” local man Josh Novak was reportedly surprised to learn Friday that his grandmother didn’t exactly live in six countries because she loved to travel. “I always thought travel was Grandma’s…Read more...
Black Woman Spends Out-Of-Body Experience Yelling At Paramedics To Actually Help Her
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Ancient Greek ‘Yearbook’ Discovered On 2,000-Year-Old Tablet
A recently translated 2,000-year-old Greek marble tablet is being recognized as a primitive version of a yearbook that includes the signatures of students completing ephebate, a military training and civic education program of the era. What do you think?Read more...
Motorcycle-Revving Janet Yellen Folds Up Picture Of Cryptocurrency Before Speeding Away
WASHINGTON—Wrapping her leather-gloved hand around the throttle of a vintage Harley-Davidson, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen folded up a picture of a highly volatile new cryptocurrency, revved her bike’s engine, and sped away in pursuit, sources at the scene reported Thursday. “You can run, but you can’t stay…Read more...
New Ohio Law Allows School Employees To Carry Guns With 24 Hours Of Training
Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new bill into law that makes it easier for teachers and staff to carry guns on school premises, reducing the hours of training required for armed school personnel from 700 to 24. What do you think?Read more...
Onion Gift Guide: Father’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Dad
Dads. Almost everyone has between one and one thousand, and it’s about time to give them their due. This Father’s Day, you don’t want to be the only one who isn’t lavishing your special dad or 1,000 dads with a gift that speaks to their own special interests. The Onion provides recommendations for the best Father’s…Read more...
FDA Warns Americans To Take That Out Of Their Mouth This Instant
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Jennifer Hudson Achieves EGOT Status
Jennifer Hudson has won a Tony award for coproducing this year’s Best Musical winner, A Strange Loop, earning her the elite EGOT status, a distinction held by any artist who has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and a Tony Award in their career. What do you think?Read more...
Study: Inflation Forcing More Americans To Choose Between Buying Groceries, Aston Martin DBS
WASHINGTON—Revealing the punishing extent to which consumers were feeling the strain of rising prices, a new study from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that inflation was forcing more Americans to choose between buying groceries or an Aston Martin DBS. “With the prices of supermarket staples like milk and bread…Read more...
5-Year-Old Finds Pet Turtle Perfect New Home
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HGTV Stars Reveal How They Cut Corners Behind The Scenes
HGTV makes home renovations look fast, easy, and fun, but the truth is, they have a dark side. The Onion asked the network’s stars how they cut corners behind the scenes, and this is what they said.Read more...
New Department Of Energy Program Incentivizes Pedestrians, Cyclists To Switch To Electric Vehicles
WASHINGTON—In keeping with its mission to address the nation’s environmental challenges, the Department of Energy introduced a new program Monday that provides pedestrians and cyclists with economic incentives to switch to electric vehicles. “As the effects of climate change worsen, we can no longer rely upon…Read more...
Grandma Spends Entire Dinner Chewing Up, Spitting Out Same Bite Of Steak
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Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill
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Michigan GOP Governor Candidate Arrested For Role In Capitol Riots
The FBI have arrested Ryan Kelley, one of five Michigan Republican gubernatorial candidates, for his role in the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol, after a video captured Kelley in a crowd assaulting and pushing past Capitol police. What do you think?Read more...
‘American Idol’ Turns 20
American Idol debuted on June 11, 2002, and the reality singing competition has delivered its share of crazy moments over its 20 seasons and counting. The Onion looks back at the show’s most memorable moments as American Idol celebrates its 20th anniversary.
Conservatives Warn Watching Drag Shows Could Turn Children Into Attention Seekers
WASHINGTON—Outraged by reports of the family-friendly LGBTQ pride events, conservative pundits and lawmakers across the country warned Friday that watching drag queen performances could turn children into attention seekers. “Our impressionable young children are at risk of becoming brash, bold performers attempting to…Read more...
North Dakota Constructs Billion-Dollar Stadium Just In Case Some NFL Franchise Gets Desperate
BISMARCK, ND—Explaining that they wanted to be prepared on the off-chance there might be interest, North Dakota officials announced Friday that the state had finished construction on a billion-dollar stadium just in case some NFL franchise got desperate. “Look, we know we’re not anybody’s top choice, but we figured…Read more...
Unsettling PETA Ad Features Sobbing Burger Giving Man Blow Job
NORFOLK, VA—In a dark, 30-second spot that has reportedly shocked and disgusted millions of viewers, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ran an unsettling ad Friday in which a sobbing hamburger is seen giving a man a blow job. “Does this look ethical to you?” read words that appear onscreen in the commercial,…Read more...
Oil Spill Engulfs Lincoln Memorial After U.S. Lifts Drilling Restrictions On National Monuments
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Most Misguided Corporate Pride Campaigns
Brands, take note: Everyone can tell when you’re being supportive vs. when you’re being cringe. In honor of Pride Month, here are the most misguided corporate pride campaigns of all time.Read more...
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