The Onion

CHICAGO—Excited about his final opportunity to make friends as an adult before surrendering to a life of solitude, local man Josh Kelly reported Friday that the adult kickball he joined would be a great way to meet other people who are entirely out of options. “It feels good to do something different and meet some…Read more...

Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a bill into law barring most abortions at the onset of a fetal heartbeat, which can occur as early as six weeks into pregnancy and before many people know they are pregnant. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent harmful patterns of gender inequality from being passed to the next generation, the National Organization for Women announced a new initiative Friday that would help young girls gain confidence by teaching them to melt human beings via sonic mind blasts. “At an early age, our girls…Read more...

Whether you’ve been on the lam for weeks or just recently tunneled out of a high-security correctional facility, The Onion has compiled the most breathtaking and economical vacation spots for escaped prisoners.Read more...

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced his opposition to forming an independent commission that would investigate the January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol and make recommendations to prevent another insurrection. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Scouring through the photos in search of a more revealing angle, apartment-hunter George Marvin expressed concern Thursday over a two-bedroom listing that was for some reason being cagey about whether the unit came with a floor. “Most of the time they will tell you whether a place has wood flooring or carpet,…Read more...

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KNOXVILLE, TN—Saying she would be “down to watch another one,” local woman Anna Cook was reportedly unaware Thursday that she had sat through four episodes of the Netflix series Bridgerton since her boyfriend, 34-year-old Kyle Lampson, had passed away on the sofa. “At first I wasn’t sure about this show, but now I…Read more...

Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time.Read more...

Twitter is reportedly rolling out a $3 per month subscription model called Twitter Blue that would offer users exclusive services such as saving and organizing favorite tweets as well as undoing tweets. What do you think?Read more...

The Supreme Court agreed to hear a case concerning a Mississippi law banning abortion after 15 weeks of pregnancy, giving the majority conservative court an opportunity to pare back constitutional rights set in Roe v. Wade. What do you think?Read more...

With airlines and hotels beginning to open up at full capacity, there’s never been a better time to get major discounts on vacations. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions on travel deals, and we have the answers.Read more...

We at OGN were thrilled when Capcom launched the eighth entry in its iconic Resident Evil series in April, and ever since then, we’ve been playing nonstop, probing each mystery and destroying every Lycan that crossed our path. And while it may strive to be a worthy entry in the canon, Resident Evil Village …Read more...

WASHINGTON—After weeks of tense negotiation between Democratic and Republican leaders, Congress reached a compromise Wednesday to investigate the events of Jan. 9. “The attack on the Capitol was a notorious day in American history that we still have many questions about, which is why we’re pleased to announce the…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Remarking that his mere presence made people think twice about bothering her, local woman Alice Dutton told reporters Wednesday that her boyfriend of three years, Jeff Engert, was primarily kept around as a deterrent. “I really enjoy spending time with Jeff, because whenever we’re together, I don’t get…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Upon concluding the business was in violation of the federal Chill Vibes Act, the U.S. Ambience Protection Agency issued a fine Wednesday to local restaurant Chez Bistro, which regulators said had contributed to the destruction of mood through its extensive reliance on fluorescent lights. “Chez Bistro…Read more...

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Running alongside the American Humvees and armored vehicles with their arms overflowing with parting gifts, the teary-eyed Afghani populace waved farewell to U.S. troops Wednesday while thanking them most of all for teaching the country how to love. “Your people brought peace and prosperity to our…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to avoid any unnecessary ambiguity, speechwriter James Kessler helpfully let audiences know that he was talking about “these United States,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “I should probably clarify which particular group of united states we’re talking about here,” said Kessler, making a note on…Read more...

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing frustration with the matriarch’s feigned affection, local man Andrew Reed was slighted Wednesday by his supposedly loving grandmother, Edna, who couldn’t even be bothered to remember his name, age, or job. “I call bullshit on this whole ‘unconditional love’ thing if you can’t even remember…Read more...

Texas state lawmakers have approved a bill prohibiting foods that don’t contain animal products from using words like “meat” or “beef” on their labels in an effort to prevent misleading consumers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying he could probably just sit at the back and dose off without anyone bothering him, slacker congressman Scott Chrysler told reporters Wednesday he was praying to get a bullshit assignment this term, like the House Select Committee on the Climate Crisis. “Are you kidding me? Climate Crisis? That’s a…Read more...

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FENTON, MI—In a bid to protect what many are calling a vital part of the town’s character, a neighborhood in Fenton, MI held a public rally Friday to demand that a decades-old pothole be designated a historic landmark. “Down at City Hall, they’re talking about getting rid of the pothole completely and putting one of…Read more...

A new South Carolina law will force death row inmates to choose between execution by electric chair or firing squad as lawmakers attempt to cope with a shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?Read more...

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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Tossing the garment on a piece of rubble so it would look like an honest accident, U.S. military leaders left a scarf behind on their way out of the country Tuesday so they would have an excuse to go back later. “We just want a little reason to pop back in without looking too pathetic,” said General…Read more...

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In 1916, Woodrow Wilson signed the National Parks Service into law, which now spans 30 states and 84 million acres of land. Here is the surprising history behind America’s national parks.Read more...

KNOXVILLE, TN—In response to the brood’s reemergence after lying dormant since 2004, several area insects reportedly said, “Wow, hope you had a nice 17 years off,” to a group of periodical cicadas Tuesday, expressing annoyance over being forced during the prolonged absence to torment humans on their own. “You…Read more...

Indian authorities have launched an inquiry after a herd of 18 Asiatic elephants were found dead in Assam, with a preliminary report stating that lightning strikes were a possible cause. What do you think?Read more...

In recent days, The Onion staff, corporate owners, and advertising partners have watched in horror at the devastation unfolding in the Middle East. As this unceasing cycle of violence continues, we believe it is time for this publication to reckon with its own responsibility as the world’s foremost news media titan…Read more...

A federal judge has blocked the National Rifle Association from filing for bankruptcy protection, ruling that it was a bad-faith attempt to fend off a lawsuit by the New York attorney general for financial abuses. What do you think?Read more...

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Ever since the release of Metroid: Samus Returns in 2017, series diehards have been rabidly awaiting any hint about the next installment in this iconic franchise. Well, Nintendo fans, you’re going to want to buckle up because—ah shit. Gamers, we’re just remembering we signed an NDA. Let us check the fine print real…Read more...

MARINA DEL REY, CA—Aiming to reduce the ongoing household conflict, local woman Alice Jordan reportedly acquired an eighth cat Monday in the hopes of easing tensions between the first seven. “Things have been pretty difficult around here, especially since Cupcake and Egg formed their own bloc to fight against the…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Unveiling a new policy to relinquish control of thousands of settlements, Israeli government officials reportedly returned the occupied territories to Palestinians Monday after running out of targets to hit in Gaza. “Effective immediately, we are returning land in the West Bank, Golan Heights, and east…Read more...

Heralded as a rougher brand of football, fans quickly lost interest when they realized the brain damage inflicted on players wasn’t any more intense than that done in the NFL.Read more...

A tourist was temporarily stuck clinging to a 330-foot-high glass suspension bridge in Northeast China when gale-force winds swept away several panels, raising public concern over the safety of other glass bridges and viewing decks. What do you think?Read more...

NILES, IL—Basking in the majesty of the municipal golf course, local man James Carrol exclaimed, “This is what it’s all about, boys” Monday, just an hour before a complete mental breakdown on the sixth hole. “I’m out on the course with my best boys, drinking beers and listening to jams,” said Carroll, who would soon…Read more...

NEW YORK—Nearly two years after the death of the infamous financier as he awaited trial on charges of trafficking minors for sex, sources confirmed Friday that Manhattan-based rich guy Felix Templeton was asking around to see if anyone could tell him who the new Jeffrey Epstein was. “It’s been a while, so I figure by…Read more...

Ohio will award five vaccinated adult residents $1 million each in a bid to address vaccine hesitancy in the state, with those eligible having received at least one dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON, TX—Warning that the escaped animal was highly intelligent and a master of deceit, Houston authorities scrambled Friday when a missing tiger named India disappeared into a crowd of tigers. “After four days straight of searching for a loose bengal tiger, our search efforts hit a snag today when he cut across a…Read more...

As a remake of some of the most beloved sci-fi RPGs of all time, Mass Effect Legendary Edition drew some healthy skepticism from series fans. The original titles remain timeless examples of western role-playing, making it difficult to imagine a re-release doing anything but tarnishing their legacy. Thankfully, we’re…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pledging to finally end America’s reliance on fossil fuels, Biden held a press conference Friday to outline the centerpiece of his renewable energy plan to invade Mt. Olympus and steal the mythic bag of wind from the God Aeolus. “We know that climate change is real, and we must combat this existential…Read more...