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on (#64ZD8)
RALEIGH, NC—Stressing that he did not want to cast his ballot in November without being fully informed, local man Mark Winters told reporters Friday that he would not be deciding which candidates he could vote for until he personally had done extensive research on which state he lived in. “I need to learn more about…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-10-18 23:33 |
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on (#64YX4)
The House Select Committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot concluded its ninth and potentially final hearing last week with a subpoena of former President Donald Trump. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will be the most significant outcome of the Jan. 6 hearings.Read more...
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on (#64YV2)
The state of Texas is sending public school students home with DNA kits designed to help their parents identify their children “in case of an emergency,” which authorities would use to help find missing children or identify those killed in a school shooting. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64YAV)
MARFA, TX—Completely unfazed by the countless screaming, blood-covered mall-goers who frantically sprinted past them, local bystanders Kevin Steele, Justin Reynolds, and Derek Davis were reportedly too busy complimenting each other’s guns Thursday to stop a mass shooting. “Oh my gosh, is that seriously an original,…Read more...
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on (#64Y49)
POTTSTOWN, PA—Commemorating his weekend-long trip with a depressing snow globe displayed prominently in his workspace, office payroll coordinator Andy Shinn keeps a sad little vacation souvenir on his desk to help mentally whisk him away to Boston, coworkers reported Thursday. “In the middle of a long day, this small…Read more...
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on (#64Y4A)
Unless you’d like to get run over by a rich, angry tech bro with a chip on their shoulder, you might want to tread lightly when asking a Tesla driver about their car. Here are things you should never say to someone who owns a Tesla.Read more...
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on (#64Y3Y)
RAHWAY, NJ—Voicing frustrations about the competitive balance being thrown off, several players in a local fantasy football league told reporters Thursday their season was being ruined by a guy who wouldn’t update his roster weeks after his wife’s death. “It’s just so annoying—here you are trying to win the league and…Read more...
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on (#64Y2K)
Alaska has canceled the Bering Sea snow crab season for the first time ever due to an estimated 1 billion crabs disappearing over the last two years, the cause of which researchers are still investigating but could be linked to disease or climate change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64XJZ)
A popular New York City restaurant rescinded its brief ban on Late Late Show host James Corden, who reportedly apologized after the establishment’s owner called him one of the restaurant’s “most abusive customers.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64X6A)
WASHINGTON—As she lit a cigarette and reentered the holding room, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen rolled up her sleeves Wednesday to take another crack at interrogating a milk jug over rising food prices, sources within the department confirmed. “Look, I’m not going to ask you again, what do you know about the latest…Read more...
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on (#64X1P)
With nearly 1 million sold in 2021 and the U.S. market expected to keep growing, electric bikes have attracted their share of champions and critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of e-bikes.
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on (#64WXJ)
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Acknowledging that the official was impartial in his ruthless abuse, local inmate Edward Anthony told reporters Wednesday that the prison warden was sadistic but fair. “Even though the warden has a tough job, I think he’s really good at doling out evil, cruel, and inhumane punishments in a way that’s…Read more...
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on (#64WVT)
CINCINNATI—With the practice popping up everywhere from grocery stores to movie theaters, a new report confirmed Wednesday that more businesses have begun offering silver fox discounts to seniors who still got it. “We like to show a little appreciation to those of us who watched the moon landing but still look like…Read more...
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on (#64WVV)
Far-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay $965 million to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook school shooting. The Onion asked Infowars viewers what they thought about the verdict, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64WVW)
A musician undergoing complex “awake” brain surgery in Italy played the saxophone during his entire nine-hour operation to help doctors make sure they didn’t compromise his neurological functions. What do you think?Read more...
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Kyrie Irving Alleges Kyrie Irving Just CIA Creation Made To Spread Misinformation To American People
on (#64VGR)
BROOKLYN, NY—Telling reporters that he had uncovered the truth and needed to bring it to the public’s attention, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving alleged Tuesday that Kyrie Irving was just a CIA creation invented to spread misinformation to the American people. “The man known to most as the basketball star Kyrie…Read more...
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on (#64TXC)
The FDA has confirmed a nationwide shortage of the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder medication Adderall due to manufacturing issues, with the shortage expected to last through the end of the year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64TNY)
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Adopting an affected speech pattern upon reentering Earth’s atmosphere, an astronaut aboard a SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule reportedly returned from the International Space Station with an annoying space accent Monday. “He was only in space for, like, nine months, and that is not long enough to pick up…Read more...
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on (#64TAP)
This November, J.D. Vance will be on the ballot to represent Ohio in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Ohioans why they are voting for the venture capitalist and author, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64T9D)
ATLANTA—In response to calls from community leaders to address the city’s most dangerous intersections, the Georgia Department of Transportation unveiled new Good Luck signals Monday for pedestrians trying to cross the road. “The signal will illuminate for 20 seconds, and within that time span hopefully walkers will…Read more...
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on (#64T96)
Polish archaeologists excavating a Roman military camp dating back to the first century A.D. in Bulgaria, discovered an ancient stone “refrigerator” made of ceramic tiles that still contained animal bones, fragments of dishes, and traces of cooked meat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64S12)
SEATTLE—In a shocking revelation that carries grim echoes of the team’s sign stealing in the 2017 and 2018 seasons, multiple players on the Houston Astros were caught Saturday politely asking the Seattle Mariners’ catcher for a little heads-up on the pitch selection. “Hey, man, if you wouldn’t mind letting me know…Read more...
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on (#64R3W)
The House committee investigating the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol has voted unanimously to subpoena former President Donald Trump to question him about his role in events that led to the violence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64QZM)
PALM BEACH, FL—In a cunning attempt to outmaneuver the fraud lawsuit brought against him by the New York state attorney general, Donald Trump reportedly changed his name on Friday to Donald 2. “I’m not sure who these charges are referring to, as there is no such person named Donald Trump—I’m Mr. 2,” said 2, the former…Read more...
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on (#64QZN)
Americans are increasingly worried about political polarization, with members of different political persuasions disagreeing about many aspects of the direction in which their country is headed. The Onion wanted to understand why, and so we asked all 330 million Americans to describe their political beliefs. Here are…Read more...
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on (#64QQM)
SAVANNAH, GA—Gathering friends and relatives for an intimate evening of pointing out the reception’s shortcomings in hushed tones, wedding couple Mike and Lily Katersky told reporters Saturday they were grateful to be surrounded by loved ones quietly criticizing everything about the event. “We’re just so happy all of…Read more...
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on (#64QM7)
With potential benefits ranging from education to healthcare to entertainment, virtual reality is a major focus of research and spending across industries, but the actual technology behind it can be confusing. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how virtual reality actually works.Read more...
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on (#64QGX)
KING ABDULLAH ECONOMIC CITY, SAUDI ARABIA—Players on the LIV Golf tour expressed frustration Friday over the hazards on the course at the Royal Greens Golf and Country Club, where they were reportedly forced to putt around a woman being beheaded. “I was doing all right until the 13th hole, when it cost me three…Read more...
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on (#64QG2)
This November, Trump-loyalist and former television news anchor Kari Lake will be on the ballot in the Arizona governor’s race. The Onion asked Arizonans why they are voting for the Republican candidate, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64QF9)
MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that the criminals who breached the system had already done significant, irreversible damage, a damning new cybersecurity report released Friday found that Russian hackers had gained access to millions of Metaverse legs. “As of today, foreign agents employed by the Russian government have…Read more...
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on (#64QFA)
NEW YORK—Appearing to regret that Beatlemania didn’t die when John Lennon did, the reanimated corpse of the murdered musician told reporters Friday he wished he could go out in public without fans pointing and screaming at him. “It would be nice if I could enjoy a meal in a restaurant, but the moment my wasting form…Read more...
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on (#64QE6)
PITTSBURGH—Boasting a 99% efficacy rate in the prevention of pregnancy, birth-control brand Mirena released a new corkscrew whirlycoaster IUD Thursday that reportedly gets sperm cells too dizzy to find the uterus. “With Mirena’s latest intrauterine device, sperm cells are placed in a miniature bench seat, strapped…Read more...
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on (#64PTP)
LOS ANGELES—Apologizing for the antisemitic comments in his recent shocking Twitter rants, rapper and fashion designer Kanye West reportedly sought reconciliation with the worldwide Jewish cabal Thursday in order to collaborate on his new idea for a ‘Yeezy x Jews’ streetwear brand. “I am truly sorry for what I said…Read more...
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on (#64P8K)
DALLAS—Releasing the appendages from its sides after two pink lines appeared in the results window, a positive pregnancy test was said to have immediately sprouted robotic legs Thursday before scanning local woman Trish Nehorai’s face with a laser. “Identity: Trish Nehorai,” confirmed the Clearblue stick, its…Read more...
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on (#64P8M)
RACINE, WI—Locked in a tight reelection race and eager to convince voters of his bona fides as a law-and-order candidate, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) demonstrated he was tough on crime Thursday by hanging an accused bread thief in a Wisconsin town square. “All ye of good morals and fine virtue, gather now upon the village…Read more...
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on (#64P53)
New Zealand’s government is proposing a tax on the greenhouse gasses that farm animals make from burping and urinating as part of a plan to tackle climate change, angering farmers who say such taxes will hurt the farming industry that’s vital to the country’s economy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64P4Y)
TWIN FALLS, ID—Feeling embarrassed by his own incoherent writing, local man Nathaniel Murphy told reporters Thursday his manifesto sounded stupid when read out loud. “It wasn’t until I printed it out and read it slowly and clearly out loud that I realized connecting women’s refusal to have sex with me to TV ads and…Read more...
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on (#64NE4)
Baltimore prosecutors have dropped all charges against Adnan Syed, the subject of the podcast Serial who was imprisoned for the 1999 killing of his ex-girlfriend Hae Min Lee, after advanced DNA test results supported his innocence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64MT5)
With the midterm elections less than a month away, politicians across America are scrambling to convince voters they’re slightly less worse than their opponent. The Onion highlights the most important races of the 2022 midterms.Read more...
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on (#64MRH)
SAN ANTONIO—Out of consideration for the fully and visibly erect stranger standing across from her in the park, local resident Ashley Perales informed a masturbating man that the fly of his pants was down, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Excuse me, sir, I know this is a bit awkward, but I think you forgot to zip your…Read more...
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