TUCSON, AZ—As it spoke through the astronaut’s mouth, vowing to bring a new perspective to Washington, sources confirmed Tuesday that the parasitic space worm controlling Mark Kelly’s body had announced its bid for the United States Senate. “I am pleased to announce that, yes, I am running for your Congress, where I…Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Vowing to relentlessly battle and never back down, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) pledged this week in her campaign kickoff that she would never stop fighting everyday Americans. “I will stand up to the common man—with my fists,” said Klobuchar, asserting that she would take on all Americans—rich, poor,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the obnoxious, nonstop attempts to aid his investigation, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly annoyed Friday that a chipper, overeager Representative Adam Schiff (D-CA) keeps constantly sending him evidence he’s already uncovered. “Christ, he just emailed me a Washington…Read more...

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RICHMOND, VA—Apologizing profusely for his youthful indiscretions, embattled Virginia governor Ralph Northam admitted Wednesday that he once engaged in pedophilia as part of a Michael Jackson costume. “I think it’s important to put my actions into context—I was a huge Michael Jackson fan at the time and winning that…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Breaking into an anxious sweat while listening to the State of the Union address, Stacy Abrams reportedly suffered a panic attack Tuesday as she began to realize that President Trump was delivering a speech nearly identical to the one she already wrote. “Dammit, it’s not word for word, but all the same…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—As delighted shrieks and gasps echoed through the Capitol building, hundreds of vibrating chairs reportedly tilted and sprayed water Tuesday at a lively joint session of Congress during the nation’s first 4D State of the Union address. “So cool. The seats got bumpy and violently shook when Trump talked…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a State of the Union address largely devoted to what he described as “our gravest national security threat,” President Trump used his speech Tuesday night to warn the American people of the severe danger posed by toys coming to life when their owner leaves the room. “Folks, as soon as you close the door,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing a mixture of shame and confusion over her recent selection by Democrats to deliver their party’s official State of the Union response, Stacey Abrams wondered Tuesday exactly when she should confess to party leaders that she had lost her election. “I just got so wrapped up in the excitement over…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Sighing with resignation as he spoke to those surrounding him, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker reportedly apologized to a coterie of Wall Street bankers Friday for all the mean things he is going to have to say about them in the upcoming months. “Things are liable to get a little ugly out…Read more...

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PLAINS, GA—Admitting that current polling numbers caused him to rethink plans for the upcoming presidential election, 39th president Jimmy Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was concerned that the desire for fresh faces in the Democratic Party might hurt his chances in 2020. “I’ve definitely been considering a…Read more...

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MCLEAN, VA—Nearly 13 years after shooting the prominent Texas attorney and political donor in the face, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Tuesday he had finally hunted down Harry Whittington and killed him in cold blood. “Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t regretted my failure to take out that…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the special counsel’s probe into potential Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election had made significant progress, sources in the Justice Department revealed to reporters Tuesday that Robert Mueller’s investigation was nearly done with the first day of the Trump campaign.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Imploring its host to stay strong despite his recent arrest, the tattooed visage of Richard Nixon on Roger Stone’s back reportedly hissed “follow the instructions, this is all part of the greater plan” after the former Trump advisor appeared in federal court Tuesday morning. “Faithful Roger, obedient Roger,…Read more...

SEATTLE—Expressing concerns that Democratic and Republican parties no longer represented people like him, former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz revealed Monday that he was considering an independent presidential run after finding no initial support among any American voter groups. “The complete lack of support for my…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Seeking to clear his name following reports that the Trump administration had overruled intelligence officials to grant him top secret security clearance, Jared Kushner held a press conference Friday to assure reporters he had never revealed government secrets to foreign powers without turning an enormous…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Clutching his tattered suit jacket closer to him as he trembled with cold and hunger, an emaciated Peter Alexander was reportedly forced to burn a podium for warmth Thursday after having been locked in the abandoned White House Press Briefing Room since Dec. 18. “Christ, it’s so cold,” said the NBC News…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to walk back contradictory and potentially incriminating remarks from a recent interview, Rudy Giuliani, personal attorney to President Donald Trump, requested Tuesday that the press “just forget everything and let’s start everything over.” “Let’s just call everything before this moment a…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—On the heels of yesterday’s announcement that she would be running for president, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) reportedly began staffing her campaign Tuesday with unpaid inmates from California correctional facilities. “I’m so grateful to have such an incredible and devoted team headed up by my new campaign…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying he reached the decision in order to protect everything the civil rights icon represented, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) confirmed Tuesday that his 1983 vote against making Martin Luther King Jr. Day a national holiday was cast after anticipating that the country would sanitize and dishonor the leader’s…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an impassioned call for preemptive action against the Middle Eastern nation, United States national security advisor John Bolton insisted Thursday that Iran was likely harboring the dangerous terrorist Osama bin Laden. “For the good of our nation, we must act immediately,” said Bolton, citing several…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Advising the former political consultant not to take advantage of his goodwill, Special Counsel Robert Mueller reportedly told Rick Gates Thursday “don’t make me regret this” before uncuffing him to work on the Trump investigation together. “You’ve helped me out so far, and I appreciate that, but I’ve got…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research poll published Thursday revealed that 100 percent of Americans blame the United States federal government shutdown entirely on Scott Tipton (R-CO). “From the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, across all income brackets and racial demographics, every single respondent surveyed came to the same…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Strutting into the Capitol like she had some kind of electoral mandate, presumptuous congressional freshman Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (D-FL) thought Thursday that she could just come in and start representing her constituents. “I’m sorry, big shot, but that’s just not the way things work around here,” said…Read more...

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WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Shedding new light on the U.S. populace’s view of current national predicaments, a Monmouth University poll released Tuesday revealed that an increasing number of voters hold the founding fathers responsible for starting America. “As many as 75 percent of voters blame the country’s issues on the…Read more...