RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. “The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so…Read more...

The highly controversial recent confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court marks an especially divisive moment in the history of America’s judicial branch. The Onion takes a look at the most pivotal moments in the Supreme Court’s 229-year history.

AUSTIN, TX—Emphasizing that the state had done nothing so far to merit anything besides the status quo, a new attack ad released Thursday by incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz declared that his challenger, Rep. Beto O’Rourke, was “too good” for Texas. “He’s charismatic, he’s good-looking, he’s clearly a nice guy—and frankly, you…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a “close call” for the aircraft’s passengers and crew, sources reported that Melania Trump’s plane was forced to turn around and make an emergency landing Wednesday after thick plumes of smoke began billowing out of the first lady. “There was a strong burning smell, and as soon…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Providing vital new insight into their ancestral roots, a homemade DNA test self-administered by Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Wednesday proved definitively that they are both at least “one jar blood.” “I always figured I was at least half a jar blood, and now we got the proof,” said Donald Trump Jr., visibly…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Hastily shooing away the varmints with corn whisk brooms, members of the Tennessee State Election Commission reportedly drove a pack of wild animals out of local voting booths Tuesday in preparation for the upcoming midterm election. “Y’all critters ain’t welcome in this here polling place—go on, get!”…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Sobbing uncontrollably as he ran into the room, Donald Trump Jr. asked his father, the 45th president of the United States, if he could sleep in his bed with him Thursday night after reportedly having a bad dream about being indicted. “It was so scary! The bad man told me that telling lies to Congress and…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging Congress to take action before the entire system was compromised, the Federal Election Commission warned Thursday that many states were still relying on outdated methods to disenfranchise their voters. “The fact that a number of polling places across the country are still trying to purge voter rolls…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Logging countless hours in the Oval Office between warmly greeting foreign diplomats, an unusually serene and well-spoken President Trump was hard at work Thursday, industriously shepherding environmental and civil rights bills through Congress just days after a freak accident left a railroad spike lodged…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Causing dread and consternation among significant swaths of registered voters, a series of Reuters-Ipsos polls released Tuesday increased fears that the 2018 midterm elections will be won by a wave of politicians. “Right now, many Americans are worried that the 2018 elections could be an absolute landslide…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying she hoped the new position would allow her to grow both personally and professionally, Nikki Haley announced Tuesday she would resign from her post as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations in order to accept a consulting role with an Afghan warlord. “While I have greatly enjoyed my time in the Trump…Read more...

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Claiming that they could not have played a part in the disappearance, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman issued a statement Monday insisting that the exiled journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who went missing last week, had already been dismembered before he left the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) debated Friday whether or not now might be a prudent time to introduce into discussion the seven highly credible murder accusations against Brett Kavanaugh that were given to her in August.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Decrying the tactics as a smear campaign against an exemplary judge, Republicans blasted Brett Kavanaugh Friday for destroying the sterling reputation of a good man. “It’s despicable that this individual waited until the 11th hour to engage in offensive, partisan attacks in an attempt to discredit a decent…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke Friday to discover his entire body covered in dozens of small cuts after being chased through his dreams by a menacing Robert Mueller brandishing fingers covered in razor blades. “Oh, thank God. It was just…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Brushing aside insinuations that she had anything to do with the rancorous confirmation process, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laughed off Wednesday the idea that she was politically savvy enough to run a revenge campaign against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “It’s utterly…Read more...

Read more...

The Texas Senate race between incumbent Republican Ted Cruz and his challenger, Democrat Beto O’Rourke, has become a high-profile contest with implications for both the state and on the national stage. The Onion breaks down the differences between the candidates.Read more...

DABOYA, GHANA—Birds fell from the sky, meerkats devoured their young, and shrieking packs of lions, zebras, and baboons reportedly ran off cliffs in staggering numbers as the shadow of Melania Trump’s jet passed over the African savanna Tuesday. Sources confirmed that as the plane carrying the first lady moved across…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Frantically pacing around his home, pausing only to refresh his email inbox and check his phone’s call log, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was starting to get worried Tuesday about not hearing back from his potential employers after his job interview. “Oh man, oh man—it’s almost been a week already…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the current record failed to accurately represent the exchange that occurred during Monday’s press conference, White House officials announced Tuesday their correction of the official transcript to add a few more insults about the involved female reporter. “We’ve released a new transcript of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to undermine the credibility of the woman who testified that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh had sexually assaulted her in high school, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly scratched “Christine Blasey’s a slut” into a Senate bathroom stall Monday. Sources confirmed that Grassley, 85, an Iowa…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the lifetime appointment would provide vital structure and purpose, newly sober Brett Kavanaugh introduced his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor who claimed that the judge needs this Supreme Court seat as part of his recovery, sources confirmed Monday. “Listen, Brett checks in with me every…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Somewhat taken aback by her pivotal role in Brett Kavanaugh’s potential confirmation to the Supreme Court, Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) confessed to reporters Friday that she initially believed being an Alaskan senator would mean nothing more complex than “having to deal with bears and shit.” “Oh, man, I tell you…Read more...

BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the…Read more...

Read more...

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Admitting that it would be a nice change of pace to have some attention every now and then, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told reporters Friday that he sometimes wished he could be accosted by protesters as he ate his usual meal alone at his local Applebee’s. “I’m not asking for a crowd, but I wouldn’t…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was surprised by all the tasks required of him in order to enter the prestigious organization, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly stated Thursday that he was impressed by the hazing rituals you have to go through before they let you join the Supreme Court. “Man, I knew the Supreme…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Speaking before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Brett Kavanaugh defended himself against accusations of misconduct Thursday with claims that he never committed sexual assault as it will come to be defined in a future Supreme Court case. “The allegations that I assaulted these women are categorically untrue…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that her refusal to appear before them and testify called into question all of her accusations, GOP officials attacked Brett Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford for never coming forward during Thursday’s public hearing. “Dr. Ford was extremely disrespectful by refusing to show up today. We set…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suddenly rethinking his selection amid an already tumultuous confirmation process, President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he regrets choosing Brett Kavanaugh after hearing the Supreme Court nominee talk extensively about the high regard in which he holds women. “Whoa, hang on—when I nominated him,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused as he slowly adjusted to his surroundings, Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly shocked Wednesday to find out he’s a Supreme Court nominee after sobering up from a 35-year drunken bender. “Oh, Christ, what the hell happened last night? What am I doing here?” said the yet-unconfirmed…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After brutally launching the head of the special counsel investigation into Russian election interference through every marble pillar of the Jefferson Memorial, the nefarious shadow special counsel held Robert Mueller by the throat at the top of the Washington monument Wednesday and hissed that “Your…Read more...