WASHINGTON—Saying the continued attention from his former flame was beginning to border on obsession, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh told reporters Tuesday it’s super embarrassing and sad that Christine Blasey Ford is still in love with him. “It’s just so awkward that she keeps holding a candle for me even…Read more...

NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in disbelief at their past views, everyone present at the United Nations summit watching President Donald Trump deliver a speech Tuesday reportedly couldn’t believe they used to consider the United States a superpower. “I mean, wow, we would base most of our decisions on what the U.S. was…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Baffled as to how the potentially disastrous mistake could have gone unnoticed for so many years, White House sources confirmed Friday that roughly 417,225 hours of private presidential conversations were discovered immaculately preserved due to the fact that no one remembered to turn off Richard Nixon’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Questioning the actions taken by Christine Blasey Ford in the 1980s following the alleged sexual abuse by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh while they were in high school, President Donald Trump reportedly asked Friday why she didn’t just immediately request hush money. “If this thing actually happened,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging a return to civility amid a contentious confirmation fight, GOP officials called Thursday for calmer, more reasonable death threats to be made toward Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser. “We understand there’s a lot of controversy around this, but she still deserves to have people threaten to kill her in…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending the Supreme Court nominee against recent allegations of sexual assault, GOP officials declared Wednesday that Brett Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as a white teenager. “We’re talking about something that occurred when Mr. Kavanaugh was a mere 17-year-old…Read more...

WASHINGTON—While using brightly colored magic markers to write articles in a makeshift bullpen deep beneath the White House, an ink-splattered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. said Wednesday they had made it their mission to fight bias in the mainstream media by hand-printing their own newspaper.Read more...

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DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Proclaiming that the government’s rescue efforts have brought several U.S. citizens into the world, the White House announced Monday that the official Hurricane Florence death toll had been raised to -17. “Thanks to President Trump’s incredible hurricane response team, the population of North and South…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the release of a letter implicating the Supreme Court nominee in a sexual assault, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday that they would seek to delay a vote on Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation until his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford, was properly smeared. “Given the significance of this…Read more...

WICHITA, KS—Expressing their displeasure that the Supreme Court nominee had failed to warn them about a factor that could harm his candidacy, the Koch brothers were reportedly furious Monday that Brett Kavanaugh never disclosed that the nation might care about sexual abuse. “When we agreed to spend millions of dollars…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Deeply troubled by the communication received from a divine messenger, Mike Pence was reportedly struggling Friday to reckon with a recent vision of the Prophet Muhammad revealing that the vice president was destined to become the next president of the United States. “He told me that I was the chosen one…Read more...

Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by Anthony Kennedy, generated a firestorm of controversy from the moment his nomination was announced and throughout his Senate Judiciary Committee hearings last week. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Kavanaugh for the…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that the president was minimizing the contributions of his predecessor while making hyperbolic claims about his administration’s own input, experts reportedly criticized President Trump Tuesday for unfairly claiming credit for the rise in economic inequality that occurred under President Obama’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Promising that the author would spend “100 kajillion years in jail,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. told reporters Tuesday that they had left a $5 bill and a Snickers bar under a propped-up laundry basket in order to trap the anonymous writer of the New York Times op-ed piece. “Everyone is super mad about…Read more...

ANAHEIM, CA—In a fiery speech delivered to students at the Anaheim Convention Center over the weekend, former President Barack Obama reportedly urged young voters to get out there and ignore how many lousy candidates the Democratic Party runs. “We’re experiencing a crisis in our democracy that can only be stopped by…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Assuming the subject would have at least been raised once during the past three days of confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh confirmed Thursday that he was surprised not one senator had questioned him about the fact that he never went to law school. “Honestly, I’m kind of shocked…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Admitting that he regretted his answer as soon as it came out of his mouth, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly panicking Wednesday after botching the part of his confirmation where he was asked if he rejects Satan. “Shit, I was supposed to say ‘yes,’” said Kavanaugh, who, when asked by the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing his gratitude that the president was a big enough dipshit to be this easily placated, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was reportedly relieved Wednesday that Donald Trump was so fucking stupid that he believed Bob Woodward had fabricated disparaging quotes from staffers in his upcoming book, …Read more...

WASHINGTON—Fearing for his safety after an incident with Fred Guttenberg the previous day, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly packing a gun at his Senate hearing Wednesday in case the father of a Parkland shooting victim tried to shake his hand again. “If that son-of-a-bitch comes up and threatens to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Offering an overview of Americans’ opinions of the commander in chief’s job performance, a new poll released Friday indicated that President Trump’s disapproval rating had reached an all-time none of this matters. The report, released by who really cares which of the utterly useless polling firms and…Read more...

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JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following the release of official reports that attributed 2,975 deaths to the 2017 storm instead of the previous estimate of 64, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he was revoking a significant amount of funding devoted to Puerto Rico after learning that Hurricane Maria had way fewer survivors.…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying the website has mounted a direct assault on free speech, Republicans in Congress told reporters Tuesday they were outraged by reports claiming the pornographic video site RedTube has censored conservative voices on its platform. “Sadly, RedTube displays a consistent left-leaning bias, whether through…Read more...

HOUSTON—With scenes in which the two little girls can be seen pleading with outstretched arms, a new Ted Cruz campaign ad released Tuesday features the incumbent U.S. senator’s children begging for challenger Beto O’Rourke to be their new dad. “Mr. O’Rourke, could you be our new daddy—please, please, please, with a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Controversy surrounding whether the commander in chief was properly honoring recently deceased Senator John McCain increased Tuesday after reports indicated that the White House flag was now being moved up or down on its staff minute to minute to indicate President Donald Trump’s current mood. “It’s no…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a timely tribute to a woman they are calling a fearless American hero, the White House released a statement Monday recognizing and honoring the woman who called then-presidential candidate Barack Obama an Arab during a town hall event in 2008. “It is with great reverence that we celebrate the courage,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In the wake of federal charges brought against the California lawmaker for multiple egregious campaign finance violations, GOP leadership released a statement Friday calling for Congressman Duncan Hunter’s resignation following the revelation that he is, in fact, poor. “Congressman Hunter’s actions simply…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Recoiling in horror at the spectacular power of their newly birthed creation, members of the GOP reportedly gasped Thursday as a red-eyed, shadow special counsel smashed out of a gestation tank, with the dark Robert Mueller sputtering, “I will exonerate Trump.” “My God, what have we done?” said California…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking…Read more...