WASHINGTON—Noting the former congressman’s deep, unwavering commitment to shying away from every one of his civic responsibilities, the Heritage Foundation lauded Paul Ryan Thursday for inspiring millions of young gutless fucking cowards to take on leadership roles. “Thank you, Mr. Ryan, for showing countless…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As he lambasted the plea bargain that put Jeffrey Epstein behind bars for 13 months while allowing him to leave prison six days a week, a visibly angered President Trump declared Wednesday that if he been in charge, the alleged sex trafficker would have received a far lighter sentence. “This was absolutely…Read more...

DENVER—Calling upon donors to take his campaign to new, unprecedented heights, Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper set an ambitious $250 fundraising goal Tuesday for next the debate cycle. “It certainly won’t be easy, but with your help, we can grow from a grassroots campaign with virtually nothing to…Read more...

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On Thursday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Michael Bennet, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Kirsten Gillibrand, Kamala Harris, John Hickenlooper, Bernie Sanders, Eric Swalwell, Marianne Williamson, and Andrew Yang participated in the second of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion…Read more...

MIAMI—In an unexpected interruption of the night’s scheduled DNC debate programming, a naked and visibly agitated Andrew Yang emerged from the howling chaos of an irising time vortex Thursday to warn the debate audience about the looming threat of automation. “Arm yourselves, citizens, and keep your courage and your…Read more...

On Wednesday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Cory Booker, Julian Castro, Bill de Blasio, John Delaney, Tulsi Gabbard, Jay Inslee, Amy Klobuchar, Beto O’Rourke, Tim Ryan, and Elizabeth Warren participated in the first of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion highlights the most…Read more...

MIAMI—Calling the program an “adorable” and “pooch-tastic” alternative to NBC’s broadcast, 13.5 million Americans reportedly tuned in Wednesday night to watch Animal Planet’s Puppy Parley during the DNC Debate Halftime Show. “Normally I don’t like politics, but when I saw all the cute puppies frolicking at their own…Read more...

MIAMI—Night one of the first Democratic presidential debate was sidetracked Wednesday by Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) and New York mayor Bill DeBlasio ignoring the moderator’s questions about student loan debt and arguing about the best place in Lower Manhattan to get tapas. “Excuse me, I’m sorry, senator, but for you…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Pausing briefly to address the issue as he spoke to the candidates, moderator Lester Holt reportedly began Wednesday night’s Democratic presidential debate by reiterating that he doesn’t know who most of these fucking people are. “I’d like to start tonight’s debate by making it clear that I couldn’t even…Read more...

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The first round of the Democratic Party 2020 primary debates will feature the top 20 presidential candidates over two nights in Miami. The Onion takes a look at what viewers should be watching for in the first Democratic debates.Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Calling the measure “a solution that satisfies both the Democrats’ desire for representation and the and Republicans’ job-creation strategy,” Congress announced Wednesday they had reached a bipartisan compromise and will admit the District of Columbia into the Union as a slave state. “After listening to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming to desire a measured, civilized discussion bringing to light the pros and cons of each candidate, thousands of Americans hungry for an unhinged trainwreck lied that they just want “a substantive, issues-oriented Democratic debate,” sources confirmed Tuesday. “I want to hear from each of the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Hoping to replicate the Bordeaux wine’s rich flavor profile, Paul Manafort reportedly attempted to create an approximation of a vintage Château Cheval Blanc Tuesday by using a toilet tank to ferment various liquids he had squirreled away inside his prison cell. “It definitely has that oakiness I’m going for,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Amid escalating tensions with the hostile celestial object, National Security Adviser John Bolton argued for military action against the Sun Monday after being presented with evidence it has nuclear capabilities. “Newly collected intelligence shows the Sun, day after day, generating extreme levels of…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Demanding that the Middle Eastern nation retaliate immediately in self-defense against the existential threat posed by America’s military operations, National Security Adviser John Bolton called for a forceful Iranian response Friday to continuing United States aggression. “Iran cannot sit idly by as the…Read more...

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DENVER—Pulling aside the staffer after a strategy meeting, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bennet (D-CO) quietly asked one of his aides if polling at N/A is good or bad, campaign sources confirmed Thursday. “Hey, so this might be a dumb question, but could you please tell me what that is?” said Bennet,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a pointed critique of President Trump’s foreign policy leadership, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer stated to members of the press Thursday that “the American people deserve a president who can more credibly justify war with Iran.” “What the American people need is a president who can make a much…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the unmanned aerial vehicle was simply going about its day without posing a threat to anyone, U.S. Department of State officials claimed Thursday that one of their drones was minding its own business on its way to church when Iran attacked it out of nowhere. “This was an outrageous,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Blasting the Middle Eastern nation for the brutal assault on the Olympic figure skater, President Donald Trump claimed Tuesday that Iran was behind the infamous 1994 attack on Nancy Kerrigan. “It is because of the crazed actions of the Ayatollah that a world-class athlete was cut down in her prime,” said…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—As part of their effort to sell an armed conflict that would be far bigger and more dramatic than anything modern audiences have seen, White House officials hired a top Hollywood agent Monday to help them pitch the American public on an action-filled, big-budget war with Iran.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Informing those in her professional life of her career plans, outgoing White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly told colleagues Friday she would be serving for a time as CEO of Google before gradually taking on a permanent position as the sultan of Brunei. “It’s been the honor of my…Read more...

ANTARCTICA—Cackling as they stuffed a rag into the Democratic governor’s mouth and tied his hands behind his back, the DNC reportedly tossed a bound Jay Inslee onto a melting iceberg Friday and pushed him out to sea. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my good friend Mr. Inslee! Tell me, sir, as a Democratic candidate—is…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following a special counsel recommendation that the White House counselor be fired for violating the Hatch Act, Kellyanne Conway reportedly decided Thursday to lay low until the rule of law dies down. “All I gotta do is keep a low profile and power through until the laws governing this country have no…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Sitting in the waiting area while ignoring the screams he heard emanating from the exam room, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly visited his conversion therapist Thursday for a routine gay-preventative checkup. “I feel completely heterosexual right now, but I still like to visit the doctor every six…Read more...

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Calls have grown for House Democrats to move forward with impeachment proceedings against President Trump in the wake of the Mueller report, leading to sharp divisions within the party and the American public. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying the oppressive rule would keep too many presidential hopefuls off the stage in Miami later this month, voters across the country criticized the Democratic National Committee Tuesday for requiring candidates to articulate at least one policy position before they can participate in debates. “It’s so…Read more...

TOKYO—Triumphantly pounding his chest as he slammed his feet down in the ring for the first time in weeks, former U.S. president Jimmy Carter was reportedly back on the elite sumo wrestling circuit Monday, despite have undergone hip surgery less than a month ago. “It was tough for Jimmy to be away from the sport this…Read more...

President Donald Trump traveled to the United Kingdom this week for a three-day official trip that caused no small share of controversy. The Onion looks at the highlights of the president’s U.K. trip.Read more...

AMES, IA—Hoping to give them the tools they will need to succeed in the 2020 election, White House hopeful Elizabeth Warren has been spending her evenings tutoring underperforming presidential candidates on how to craft comprehensive policy proposals, sources reported Thursday. “Given my expertise in this area, I…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that the promise of publicity and notoriety is often exactly what motivates a run for the White House in the first place, media ethics groups called on news outlets Thursday to stop releasing the names of presidential candidates, part of an effort to stem the tide of copycats. “When a person…Read more...

LONDON—Concentrating as he lined up the 19th-century saber against the plate mail cutting off his brother’s breathing, Eric Trump reportedly shouted, “Hold still!” Wednesday before swinging a sword at the knight’s armor Don Jr. was trapped inside at Buckingham Palace.“Okay, on a count of three, I’m gonna whack you…Read more...

President Trump’s newly implemented tariffs against China have escalated the trade war between the two countries, continuing a long history of American trade conflicts with wide-ranging consequences. The Onion looks back at the most significant trade wars in U.S. history.Read more...

LONDON—Racking his brain upon noticing the massive infant’s “uncanny resemblance” to himself, a visibly panicked President Trump tried to recall all his recent sexual liaisons after spotting an enormous baby balloon in a crowd of London protesters, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh God, this kid looks, what, maybe five or…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Admitting that the financial arrangement of their marriage made him uncomfortable, Senator Mitch McConnell revealed Monday that he often feels emasculated by his wife, U.S. secretary of transportation Elaine Chao, who makes more illicit money than him. “I don’t like saying it, but it makes me feel like less…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Divulging the long-running scheme to his visibly stunned congressional colleagues Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, a cackling Mitch McConnell reportedly shocked Democrats Wednesday with the revelation he has been secretly working for the Republican Party all along. “You fools! For years, I’ve pulled the wool…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing that bald-faced lies and shameless double standards are the most reliable way to outmaneuver one’s opponents, a report released Wednesday confirmed that massive hypocrisy just flat-out gets the job done. “Changing your stance based on temporary expediency has proven time and again to be a slam…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Denying that there was any factual basis to the doctored footage shared by President Trump that suggested she was intoxicated, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi blasted the viral video clip Friday by claiming that you’ll fucking know it when she’s drunk. “Yet again, we have the President spreading baseless…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Watching as the president of the United States checked each of his pockets in search of enough change to keep playing, customers at a D.C. convenience store were reportedly saddened Friday to see Donald Trump frantically doing scratch-off tickets right there on the counter. “A lot of hard-up folks come in…Read more...

OLYMPIA, WA—Explaining to reporters how he had arrived at the difficult decision, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee recalled Thursday choosing to enter the race after five teenagers from countries across the globe pressed their enchanted rings together to call him into existence. “The leadership in…Read more...