by The Onion on (#471ND)
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| Updated | 2024-11-24 07:15 |
by The Onion on (#471BQ)
WASHINGTON—Standing uncharacteristically firm as the partial government shutdown stretched into the 25th day, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer admitted Tuesday that he was honestly pretty amazed he hadn’t caved yet. “Realistically, I thought I’d make it five days max before rolling over and giving them whatever…Read more...
by The Onion on (#46ZD9)
WASHINGTON—Responding to backlash over controversial remarks in which the congressman lamented that “white nationalist†had become an offensive term, the GOP stripped Steve King (R-IA) of his post Monday on the powerful House Segregation Committee. “Despite Representative King’s long and dutiful history on the House…Read more...
Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing
by The Onion on (#46Z8F)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare the nominee to speak in front of the Senate, advisors to Donald Trump’s attorney general pick William Barr reportedly instructed him Monday to avoid referring to the president as “my liege†during his confirmation hearing. “Mr. Barr, we recommend you eliminate the phrase ‘His…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3H6R5)
WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of James Mattis as Secretary of Defense marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than three weeks, a worried populace told reporters Friday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back these…Read more...
by The Onion on (#45G84)
WASHINGTON—Desperate to unwind after months of nonstop work investigating Russian influence in the 2016 election, visibly exhausted Special Counsel Robert Mueller powered his phone down Friday in order to give himself a break from any news concerning the probe over the holiday break. “The last thing I want when I’m…Read more...
by The Onion on (#45G3S)
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by The Onion on (#45B8Z)
Nearly halfway through his presidential term, Donald Trump has continued to exist in a perpetual state of controversy, and 2018 provided no shortage of outrageous moments. The Onion looks back at the most significant events in the Trump presidency in 2018.Read more...
Frazzled Robert Mueller Walking Around With Piece Of Russia Investigation Document Stuck To His Shoe
by The Onion on (#458YN)
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by The Onion on (#456TN)
WASHINGTON—Attempting to make amends for gross abuses of power during his time as Interior Department Secretary, an unusually contrite Ryan Zinke apologized Monday for misusing government funds by sending the members of the ethics committee a $160,000 vase. “I know this doesn’t change anything about how I exploited my…Read more...
by The Onion on (#456J1)
WASHINGTON—Decrying the Senate’s resolution blaming the crown prince for the brutal torture and murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi as “a cruel, inhumane, and unprecedented interference into a sovereign kingdom’s internal affairs,†the Trump administration launched a human rights investigation Monday into the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4511R)
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by The Onion on (#4511S)
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by The Onion on (#44W5Z)
NEW YORK—Following sentencing for his role in a hush-money scandal, Michael Cohen was granted a prison work release for a new job with the Trump 2020 campaign, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re confident that engaging in honest work will help Mr. Cohen with his rehabilitation,†said warden Pete Clements, telling…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44W60)
NEW YORK—After receiving a three-year sentence in a federal penitentiary for tax evasion, campaign finance violations, misleading a bank, and lying to Congress, Michael Cohen completed the first of stage of his intricate plan to break his incarcerated brother out of prison from the inside, sources confirmed Wednesday.…Read more...
Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor
by The Onion on (#44W61)
WASHINGTON—Marking the end of the longest tenure of any Republican senator in U.S. history, Orrin Hatch (R-UT) delivered his farewell address to colleagues Wednesday from a coffin being lowered into an open grave on the floor of the Senate. “It has been the honor of my life to serve my country these past 42 years in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44W24)
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by The Onion on (#44SYQ)
WASHINGTON—In a stirring defense of his administration’s commitment toward border security, President Trump claimed Tuesday that substantial portions of the laser forcefield between the United States and Mexico had already been built. “I’m committed to the safety and security of this great nation, which is why we’ve…Read more...
White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff
by The Onion on (#44Q1R)
WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing advisor John Kelly, officials announced Monday that a high-level White House ficus would leave for the State Arboretum of Virginia after declining the president’s offer to be chief of staff. “The ficus has been honored to serve…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44Q1S)
WASHINGTON—Calling the decision necessary to protect the one relationship he values above all others, White House chief of staff John Kelly told reporters Monday that he will resign in a last-ditch effort to save his and President Trump’s friendship. “It’s been a great honor to serve my country and the Trump…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HDC)
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by The Onion on (#44H3W)
The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.Read more...
by The Onion on (#44EZY)
COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining†phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death, witnesses confirmed Thursday that George W. Bush shoved his younger brother into their father’s open grave while screaming “No, take Jeb instead!†“Please! Please! Oh, God, please don’t take my father…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44EZZ)
WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,†a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44CGD)
MADISON, WI—In an effort to prevent the state’s newly elected leader from enacting his agenda, the Republican-controlled Wisconsin legislature was working to weaken incoming Democratic governor Tony Evers by restricting his access to food, water, and shelter, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We must rein in the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44C0E)
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by The Onion on (#44AF5)
WASHINGTON—Describing the international incident as a run-of-the-mill violation of human rights, CIA director Gina Haspel briefed senators Tuesday on the “shockingly uninspired†techniques employed by Saudi government agents during the interrogation of Jamal Khashoggi. “Unfortunately, all evidence indicates that…Read more...
Trump Boys Raid Sister’s Closet For Sexy Clothes They Can Use To Seduce And Blackmail Robert Mueller
by The Onion on (#44AB8)
WASHINGTON—With each brother stretching a pair sheer tights over their arms before shimmying into evening gowns, the Trump boys reportedly raided their sister’s closet Tuesday for sexy clothes they could use to seduce and blackmail Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We can use Ivanka’s fancy dress-up stuff to disguise…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44A3W)
MADISON, WI—Passing the measure along party lines, the GOP-controlled Wisconsin legislature voted Tuesday to dissolve the 30th state admitted to the union rather than let governor-elect Tony Evers and other members of the Democratic Party have it. “This essential legislation officially dismantles the State of…Read more...
by The Onion on (#447VJ)
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by The Onion on (#447KX)
WASHINGTON—In preparation for the 41st president’s funeral later this week, George H.W. Bush’s casket completed its thrilling log flume journey to the U.S. capitol, sources confirmed Monday. The former president’s casket, which was launched from a shallow wading pool in Houston, TX, reportedly traveled 1,400 twisting,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43ZDV)
WASHINGTON—In a move greatly reducing the possibility that the measure will receive support in the lower chamber of Congress, a Senate resolution to end the U.S. role in the war in Yemen was roundly rejected Thursday by House Raytheon executives. “After a very thorough review, we, the members of the House Raytheon…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43Z91)
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by The Onion on (#43XH4)
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by The Onion on (#43X4X)
WASHINGTON—After procuring a tall glass of chocolate milk to expedite the process, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly swallowed two sets of luggage keys Wednesday in case they went to jail in the near future and needed to escape. “After the keys, we need to gulp down these maps I drew so we can find our way…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43TVQ)
WASHINGTON—Expressing self-contempt after learning that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort likely violated the terms of his plea deal, special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly wondered Tuesday what it was about him that makes everyone lie to his face. “It seems like no one ever tells me the truth—what am I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43TQV)
WASHINGTON—Downplaying reports that his former campaign chairman may have collaborated with the controversial Wikileaks founder in 2016, President Trump said Tuesday that Paul Manafort and Julian Assange did indeed meet on occasion to discuss how collusion was a bad thing they would “never, ever†do. “Sure, they met a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43R68)
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White House Security Officials Relieved Ivanka Trump’s Computer Just Cardboard Box With Mirror On It
by The Onion on (#43BY2)
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by The Onion on (#43BT9)
WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would provide a substantial boon to police departments nationwide, members of the House Republican caucus introduced a bill Tuesday containing open-ended language that would criminalize whatever it is black people are up to right now. “This is a long-overdue piece of legislation that will…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43BPP)
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by The Onion on (#439JC)
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by The Onion on (#433EN)
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by The Onion on (#42YSC)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the situation had become untenable in recent days, aides working for Melania Trump released a statement Wednesday calling for the immediate removal of the first lady from the White House. According to the statement, the first lady “no longer deserves the honor†of serving in the position,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#42YH7)
WASHINGTON—Expressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told reporters Wednesday of her plans to reenergize the House of Representatives by injecting herself with the blood of her party’s young members. “I’m really looking forward to improving the vitality of our…Read more...
by The Onion on (#42W68)
WASHINGTON—Challenging any insinuation that he would ever say anything of the kind, Representative Steve King (R-IA) vehemently denied Tuesday comparing immigrants to people. “I would never, under any circumstances, say something so despicable,†said King, who was recently elected to his ninth congressional term,…Read more...