MOSCOW—Saying that he had been “totally blindsided” by the revelations from the recently released findings of the Mueller investigation, a shocked Vladimir Putin reportedly came to the realization Tuesday that he didn’t conspire with Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign after all. “What the hell? I worked so hard…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Exercising his powers of clemency for the first time since taking office, President Trump compassionately issued a full presidential pardon Monday for former Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller that cleared him of any wrongdoing. “Today, under my authority as president of the United States, I hereby grant a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following the completion of the special counsel’s 22-month probe, Attorney General William P. Barr declared Monday that Robert Mueller’s investigation fully exonerates all members of Ronald Reagan’s presidential administration from involvement in the Iran–Contra affair. “I’ve reviewed Mr. Mueller’s findings…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Doubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senator’s corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. “I’m having some trouble understanding the strategy…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.”Read more...

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PERRYSBURG, OH—Promising to restore economic vitality and dignity to the struggling Rust Belt municipality, President Trump made a solemn promise Monday to bring back the town of Perrysburg, OH’s shuttered White Castle franchise. “White Castle was the lifeblood of this community, but unfortunately, during a previous…Read more...

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EL PASO, TX—Revealing plans to “put his own spin” on beloved stump speeches and talking points, Beto O’Rourke announced Thursday that he was starting a Barack Obama cover campaign. “I’ve always loved Barack’s early stuff from back in ’08, even ’04, and I think diehard fans will go crazy when I cover all his greatest…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Touting the benefits in tourism and business revenue that such a project had already brought to his hometown, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate and South Bend, IN mayor Pete Buttigieg announced Thursday a bold plan for a 2,500-mile intercontinental riverwalk. “At a time when Americans are more…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Following a House of Representatives vote to support statehood for the District of Columbia, sources confirmed Tuesday that the nation’s flag nerds were breathless with anticipation, imagining all the potential configurations of stars and stripes that might result from adding a new state. “For years,…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—Offering new insight into the preferences of Democratic voters, a poll released Tuesday by The Des Moines Register and CNN found that nearly 60 percent of likely Iowa caucus-goers would support a presidential candidate with the name Bobby Cheeseburger. “As many as 47 percent of those surveyed indicated…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the technology was far too complex and required significant scientific knowledge to use, President Donald Trump complained Tuesday about the overly complicated controls needed to operate modern-day doors. “Doors these days are way too intricate and confusing for the average person to open or…Read more...

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SAYLORVILLE, IA—Assuring the New York senator the custom has been observed by seven generations of proud Saylorville citizens, several bored Iowans reportedly decided Friday they would try to convince visiting White House hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand that it’s a local tradition to eat live tarantulas. “It would sure…Read more...

The Green New Deal, a set of proposals aimed at combating climate change, is being championed by many progressive leaders, although its detractors say it is unrealistic and economically unfeasible. The Onion takes a deep dive into the Green New Deal to look at its most significant policy items.Read more...

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Many top Republican elected officials, including Senators Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz, went from criticizing Donald Trump during the 2016 election to becoming some of the president’s staunchest supporters. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how many of Trump’s GOP detractors become his biggest cheerleaders.Read more...

DENVER—Kicking off his campaign with a promise to order the U.S. military to wipe the sovereign nation off the face of the Earth, presidential candidate John Hickenlooper announced Tuesday his support for using nuclear weapons against Australia just to see if anyone was listening to him. “That’s right—did you hear…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Defending himself against recent charges of racism, Rep. Mark Meadows (R–NC) angrily reminded his colleagues Thursday that he had never once publicly complained about the Capitol’s integrated drinking fountains. “It’s completely outrageous that my fellow members of Congress would slander me with charges of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly attacking the credibility of President Trump’s former lawyer and asking why the House Oversight Committee should believe anything he says, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) spent the bulk of his allotted time during Michael Cohen’s hearing Thursday demanding that he accept blame for covering up the alleged…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After passage of a bill to block President Trump’s use of a national emergency declaration to pay for a border wall, members of the House of Representatives voiced concerns Thursday about executive overreach, arguing that only Congress is allowed to misappropriate federal funds. “Throwing away millions of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Deciding it was time to “let the dream die,” Special Counsel Robert Mueller gave up trying to get his report on Russian election interference published Thursday after receiving his 19th literary agent rejection. “There was one agent who claimed he really liked my stuff, but didn’t think he could get any of…Read more...

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HANOI, VIETNAM—Tearing up as he described the courage he would have had no choice but to summon had he not been born into a life of luxury, President Trump reportedly took time Tuesday before the North Korea summit in Hanoi to travel south and lay a wreath at the spot where he would have died in the Vietnam War if he…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Demonstrating their findings with a crumpled ball of aluminum foil, a panel of White House–appointed scientists convened for the first time Tuesday to argue that President Donald Trump possesses the strength to crush an entire train with his bare hands. “Based on this group’s assessment, the president could…Read more...

BOGOTA—Condemning the Maduro regime for attempting to silence and eliminate entire groups of people, Vice President Mike Pence issued a statement Monday attacking the Venezuelan government’s use of torture and starvation on non-homosexual citizens. “Across Venezuela, people are being kidnapped, tortured, and isolated…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Insisting that criticism of the political partnership did not take into account the need for a coalition large enough to enact his agenda, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu defended Monday his new alliance with the country’s far-right Aryan Supremacy Party. “My detractors must look at the bigger…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying it was the only way to really know whether he could trust his new attorney general, President Trump loaded a single bullet into a .357 Magnum revolver and demanded William Barr prove his loyalty by putting the barrel in his mouth and pulling the trigger, White House sources confirmed Friday. “If…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to President Donald Trump’s continued attacks against the legitimacy of his probe into 2016 election interference, Special Counsel Robert Mueller admitted Thursday that a smarter president would have totally found a way to stop the investigation by now. “Listen, my investigation has been going…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to do whatever he could to help Special Counsel Robert Mueller investigate the campaign consultant’s role in 2016 election interference, President Trump reportedly agreed Wednesday to wear a wire to take down Roger Stone. “I’ve known Roger for years, but it’s time to put my country first and do…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to remain as objective as possible when considering ways of addressing the ongoing crisis, President Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was leaving all violent options on the table in Venezuela. “If America’s interests are threatened anywhere in the world, the U.S. retains the right to use…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Providing a lengthy, comprehensive explanation of the factors influencing his decision to declare a national emergency that would send military funding and personnel to the nation’s southern border, President Donald Trump offered a clear, historical precedent Friday for deploying the U.S. military with no…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Enthusiastically praising the commander-in-chief for holding firm in the face of opposition, Donald Trump’s political base cheered on the president Friday for standing up to the U.S. Constitution. “He stayed strong and really showed the Constitution who’s boss,” said 48-year-old Trump supporter Ross…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time, Elliott Abrams defended Wednesday the war crimes he committed in Latin America by pointing out that it was just something everyone was doing back in the ’80s. “You’ve got to understand that running…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to create a teachable moment after one of his supporters attacked a BBC cameraman at a rally in El Paso, TX, President Trump announced Tuesday he had invited the two men to join him at the White House so they could finish their altercation. “It’s time for these guys to acknowledge their differences…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Admitting they had just assumed the candidate was some kind of quirky billionaire or one of those CEOs who runs for president just to raise his profile, all 325 million Americans expressed horror Tuesday upon learning Cory Booker was a sitting U.S. senator. “He’s an elected official? In the United States …Read more...

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