WASHINGTON—Stating that he would be sticking to his guns regardless of the consequences, President Trump warned China in a White House press briefing Thursday that its leaders should not underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of every single person in the United States. “If you think for one second…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that such a miscarriage of justice would not be tolerated under his watch, President Donald Trump reportedly demanded a federal investigation Monday into whether Bill and Hillary Clinton gave him a non-registry wedding gift in 2005. “Given the fact that Melania and I have no recollection of ever…Read more...

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OSCEOLA, IA—In an attempt to show how much he had in common with the audience at a campaign event on an Iowa farm, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker tried to connect with rural voters Friday by deliberately mangling his hand in a grain auger. “Trust me when I say I understand the challenges faced by folks…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As towers of black smoke billowed up across the charred strip of land, sources confirmed Monday that the entire southern border was somehow on fire just 10 minutes after Jared Kushner began tackling the U.S. immigration system. “Just moments after Kushner made his first phone call to the head of ICE, we…Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Laying out his vision for 2020, Rep. Tim Ryan (D-OH) told supporters Monday that with no chance of securing his party’s nomination for the presidency, he would instead settle for absolutely demolishing the campaign of his fellow Democrat John Hickenlooper. “Let’s face it, I’m probably not going to win a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Bursting through the Congressional chamber doors while moaning and clutching his shoulder, John Bolton reportedly stumbled into the Capitol building Friday claiming that he’d been shot by Iran. “Help, help, I’ve just been attacked by a large Middle Eastern country around 636,000 square miles in size,” said…Read more...

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BURLINGAME, CA—Stressing that he is a “two-term United States senator for Christ’s sake,” White House Democratic hopeful Mike Gravel told reporters Wednesday that he can’t believe he’s polling neck-and-neck with a fucking nobody like Florida mayor Wayne Messam. “That Messam prick’s been in politics for, what, a few…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying his outbursts have hindered their ability to hold constructive military strategy sessions, top Pentagon aides have repeatedly asked National Security Advisor John Bolton to stop setting fire to their Middle East tactical map, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We keep trying to lay out troop deployment…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As the inconsolable president stood outside in his threadbare robe in the early hours of Wednesday morning, employees sent by Deutsche Bank began removing possessions from the White House after Donald Trump defaulted on his loans, sources confirmed. “Come on, guys, just give me a couple more weeks and I can…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Amidst escalating Chinese tariffs on U.S. agricultural exports, President Donald Trump sought to reassure struggling American farmers Tuesday by stating that he has never seen one of them and cannot be sure they actually exist. “While rumors of flooding and economic strife circulate, rest assured that I…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Blanketing airwaves, print, radio, and social media with dire warnings of incurring public humiliation, the De Blasio Political Action Committee spent $30 million on advertisements urging the mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, to not embarrass himself by running for president, sources confirmed Thursday.…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Describing the law as a “common-sense measure” designed to protect reproductive health, Gov. Brian Kemp of Georgia signed a bill Tuesday that strictly prohibits all abortions except during a single 30-second window on the third day of the fourth week of pregnancy. “To be clear, this statute does not outlaw…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unveiling sweeping policy positions that would transform the nation’s electric grid and combat emissions, Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee smashed through the wall of a town hall Wednesday in a solar-powered mech suit to announce his climate change plan. “Starting today, I am dedicating myself…Read more...

The filibuster, a practice in which members of Congress can purposely delay a proposal through a lengthy speech or debate, is a source of controversy among both political parties. The Onion takes a look at the history of the filibuster.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting that his administration was nothing less than “a well-oiled machine,” President Donald Trump dismissed continued concerns over chaos in the White House Friday after a pack of feral dogs claimed a fourth West Wing room as their territory. “Honestly, this was not a room that we needed anymore—there…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Criticizing leaders of the organized labor movement for supporting Democrats and for the treatment of their members, Donald Trump announced Monday that he was resigning from the United President Workers Local 150 in protest of unions. “Today I informed the Washington, D.C. chapter of the UPW that I will no…Read more...

BURLINGTON, VT—Expressing their utter disgust and disappointment over the candidate’s remarks, supporters of presidential contender Bernie Sanders went on the attack Thursday, laying into the Vermont senator for his criticism of mistakes made by the 2016 Bernie Sanders campaign. “These deeply misguided comments make…Read more...

AMES, IA—Attempting to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic that would prevent anyone from getting too worked up, a diplomatic Pete Buttigieg quickly changed the subject Wednesday when politics came up at a town hall event. “Hey, I get asked about political stuff all the time—let’s find something else to…Read more...

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GOFFSTOWN, NH—Erupting into frenzied applause as the Democratic presidential candidate began mercilessly choking the CNN town hall moderator with a single hand, a televised audience gave Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) a standing ovation Monday night as she lifted Chris Cuomo into the air by his throat. “Her performance was…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Becoming the first 2020 presidential candidate to disclose his fondness for pepperoni pizza, jogging before sunrise, and episodes of The Wire, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg released Tuesday a comprehensive list of fun personality quirks for reporters to include in articles about him. “I want to be…Read more...

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A redacted version of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into potential collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russian agents to influence the 2016 election was released to the public on Thursday. Here are the biggest revelations from the Mueller report.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I…Read more...

The recent departures of DHS secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and Secret Service director Randolph Alles have been the latest in the historically high turnover among top officials in the Trump administration. The Onion takes a look at the administration’s highest-profile departures during President Trump’s two-plus years in…Read more...

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FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CA—Urging readers to “stay tuned” and follow along on its website for more, Boating World Magazine was providing live updates Thursday as its team of reporters read through the more than 400 pages of the Mueller report. “So far, we have not uncovered any breaking news within the report about…Read more...

WASHINGTON—According to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. “To put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at this…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—Revealing that he taught himself the language after developing an interest in computer science and artificial intelligence, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg stunned a campaign crowd Wednesday by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary. “01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a scathing attack on the very foundations of democracy and everything the United States stands for, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) disrespectfully referred Monday to America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, as “a place.” “It’s unconscionable to think that this so-called American would use a vile…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he would present the investigation’s findings in a format that offered the most richly detailed portrayal of its full meaning, Attorney General William Barr reportedly agreed Friday to release a nonverbal, abstract visual representation of the Mueller report. “I’m nearly done going through…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Peering into the darkened sky as 200-mph winds began to whip around them, several eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that a lightning bolt blasted off the top of the Washington Monument while Mike Pence and Pete Buttigieg were locked in a battle of prayers on the National Mall. According to onlookers, the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying they are now convinced the candidate is overwhelmingly qualified to lead the country, a majority of Americans have shifted their support to Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) in the 2020 presidential race since learning he is a millionaire, a Pew Research Center poll found Wednesday. “I have my reservations…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing relief that the Republican can finally channel his long-held bigotry into wide-reaching legislative action, family of Texas congressman Louie Gohmert told reporters Wednesday they were glad he finally found an outlet for his racism. “It’s always hard to see someone you love wander aimlessly,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Following the announcement that Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was leaving her post, President Trump told reporters Monday he would conduct an extensive search to find a replacement with the right personality disorders necessary for the role. “Though I admired Kirstjen’s ability to remain cold…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Arguing that the special counsel’s findings constitute a grave threat to public health, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told reporters Thursday the Mueller report must never be released because it’s so exonerating it would drive the American people to madness. “This report has found the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Wondering if he had missed an important memo, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly appeared confused Tuesday as he asked, “What’s all this I’m hearing about people getting security clearances?” to a group of advisers in the West Wing trying to avoid eye contact. “I heard someone down the hall talking…Read more...

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DAVENPORT, IA—Asserting he could fund his campaign just fine no matter how small the contributions were, increasingly cocky presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced Tuesday he would no longer be accepting any donations in excess of 27 cents. “Maybe some of my opponents are comfortable courting big donors who…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Irked that the attorney general’s brief summary of his meticulously written report reflected only a surface-level understanding of its contents, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Monday he was peeved that William Barr clearly didn’t read his stuff like he suggested he would. “I worked really…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting that they had taken every measure to keep the message “extra top secret,” the Trump boys reportedly spent Wednesday defending their decision to send Saudi Arabia plans for a cool missile using their personal Etch A Sketch. “We spent, like, a million hours making that rocket look super good, so we…Read more...