by The Onion on (#4MX82)
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-24 05:30 |
by The Onion on (#4MX3Z)
EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump consoled an El Paso shooting victim Thursday while wolfing down a bowl of chili. “It’s really terrible what that hurricane or whatever did to your house,†said Trump, who quickly polished off the chili by lifting up…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MT4A)
WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his 34-year career in Congress that led to his becoming the most powerful person in the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly noted Wednesday that he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if he could’ve done more to harm people in the private sector. “Sure, I’ve been able to hurt a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MNR5)
WASHINGTON—After President Trump openly denounced white supremacy Monday in an errant statement on the mass shootings in Dayton, OH and El Paso, TX, every aide in the West Wing reportedly went into damage-control mode, looking for ways to get him back on message. “Great, now we’re going to be here all night figuring…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MN8A)
DENVER—Presumably thanking his supporters and vowing to keep up his fight for the well-being of everyday Americans, former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, one naturally assumes. Highly placed sources have confirmed that it is only natural to imagine that Hickenlooper,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MMST)
BETHESDA, MD—Noting that the coming months were crucial to determining who would stay in the running for the Democratic nomination, the campaign of presidential candidate John Delaney sent a fundraising email to his wife Monday asking to use more of the couple’s money on his bid for the White House. “Dear April, we…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MFP2)
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by The Onion on (#4MFP3)
WASHINGTON—During a press conference held in a D.C. parking lot, Environmental Protection Agency head Andrew Wheeler went out of his way Friday to show carbon emissions were safe by putting his mouth over the exhaust pipe of an idling Jeep Grand Cherokee and taking several deep breaths. “Despite all the fear-mongering…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MFC7)
Tensions continue to mount between the United States and Iran, driven by conflicts that have gone back decades and stoking fears of war. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S.–Iran relations.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MDN2)
The second round of the Democratic presidential debates pitted the top 20 polling candidates against each other across two nights in Detroit. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the second Democratic debates.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MBS3)
DETROIT—Prodding the Democratic presidential candidate by insisting the American people deserve the truth, CNN moderator Jake Tapper demanded Wednesday night that Michael Bennet answer the question of whether he was too big a pussy to take a swing at fellow candidate Bill de Blasio. “C’mon, man, Billy Boy’s been…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MBRY)
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by The Onion on (#4MBQ2)
DETROIT—Recalling what she described as a tough but formative upbringing, presidential candidate Kirsten Gillibrand reportedly attempted to win over the audience at Wednesday night’s debate in Detroit by recounting the challenges she faced growing up as a 1966 Ford Country Squire. “I was raised on potholed streets,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4MBM1)
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by The Onion on (#4MBHP)
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by The Onion on (#4MAMP)
WASHINGTON—Conspicuously remaining in the studio following his appearance on Tucker Carlson Tonight, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) sheepishly approached a group of Fox News interns Wednesday evening to see if anyone was “up for grabbing drinks.†“Hey, gang! What do you say we all head down to Lyman’s for some brews…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M9B2)
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by The Onion on (#4M995)
DETROIT—In a frantic message dispatched to tens of thousands of supporters midway through Tuesday night’s debate, the campaign of presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly sent out an email with the subject line “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONATE, BETO’S DYING UP THERE.†“Oh Jesus, please, please, please—Beto’s in WAY…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M996)
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by The Onion on (#4M997)
DETROIT—Announcing to the moderators that she wanted to speak to the president directly, Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson sternly addressed a homemade Donald Trump puppet Tuesday about immigration in a fiery debate exchange. “To answer your question, I’d like to invite to the stage one of my…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M98W)
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by The Onion on (#4M968)
DETROIT—Trying to speak without his voice wavering as he picked up a heavy stone from the ground, an aide for John Hickenlooper’s presidential campaign had reportedly ushered the former Colorado governor towards a secluded spot deep in the woods Tuesday with assurances that the debate stage was in that direction.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M8JA)
SALEM, MA—After wandering through his home district into a dim and dingy store he could have sworn had been an empty alleyway, Representative Seth Moulton (D-MA) was reportedly offered a chance to participate in the upcoming CNN presidential debate Tuesday by a mysterious shopkeeper who warned that the privilege would…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M8DT)
The second round of the Democratic Party 2020 primary debates will feature the top 20 presidential candidates over two nights in Detroit. The Onion takes a look at what viewers should be watching for in the second Democratic debates.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M839)
WASHINGTON—Doubling down on new policy in an effort to cater to the most influential segment of their base, an increasing number of 2020 presidential contenders were pushing strongly pro-caviar positions Tuesday in an effort to appeal to the Democratic Socialite wing of the party. “Today, too many Americans are forced…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M65H)
WASHINGTON—Kicking off the power cord that was coiling itself around his ankle, Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang frantically attempted to load a shotgun Monday as a hissing, crackling copy machine lurched towards campaign staffers. “I’ve got the copier. Zach, you destroy the cell phones, and for God’s…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M5WJ)
WASHINGTON—Criticizing the 19th-century writer as a “death-obsessed weirdo with very little literary talent,†President Trump doubled down on his attacks against the city of Baltimore Monday by tearing into Edgar Allan Poe during a rambling, three-hour press conference on the White House lawn. “This guy was a pathetic…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4M5KR)
WASHINGTON—Surrounded by onlookers, former colleagues, and Supreme Court Justices paying respect to the slumbering U.S. Senator, Chuck Grassley (R-IA) accidentally lay in state for a few hours Monday after drifting off in the Capitol rotunda. “Today, we honor a giant of the United States Senate, a devoted father, and…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KY3Y)
WASHINGTON—Admitting she had worries about the rise of left-leaning activist groups within her party, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed concerns Thursday that outspoken progressives could do permanent damage to Democrats’ reputation as ineffectual cowards. “They mean well, but if they continue to aggressively push…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KWZ2)
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the lawmakers had really begun to slow down over the last few years, the aging United States Congress announced Thursday that they would move into a more manageable single-story ranch Capitol. “We don’t do too much nowadays anyway, so it’ll be easier to have a smaller place—plus, all those…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KTRT)
WASHINGTON—Briefing members of Congress who he doubted had read all the way through the “thrilling tale of redemption and American justice,†Robert Mueller pitched his special counsel report Wednesday as All The President’s Men meets Rambo. “It’s just the story of an all-American badass who gets fed up with the system…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KS3T)
PLEASANT HILL, IA—Shaking his head as he watched coverage of the city’s flooded subway system during a campaign stop, presidential candidate Bill de Blasio was overheard remarking Tuesday that New York appeared to be a complete and total disaster. “I can’t believe how miserable and hopeless that place looks,†de…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KRNH)
WASHINGTON—Solemnly gathered around the former associate justice’s casket, the nine current justices observed a traditional Supreme Court ritual Tuesday by driving a stake through John Paul Stevens’ heart to ensure he was really dead before his burial. “This is a longtime Supreme Court rite that began after one of the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KH68)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to distance the President from a racist remark chanted about Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) earlier this week, the Trump campaign store reportedly began offering a special disavowed discount Friday on all ‘Send Her Back’ merchandise. “All this week, use the promo code BACK2SOMALIA for low, low…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KH2P)
WASHINGTON—Shivering in his swimsuit as he peered down at the water below, Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly held up a long line of senators Friday as they waited for the diving board at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “C’mon, Mark, just jump in already—you’ll be fine! Plus, it’s super hot out here,†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KGSF)
WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns that the President’s constant attacks on racial minorities could end up hampering the progress that has been made, white supremacist leaders warned Donald Trump Friday that some compromise will be necessary to achieve their goals. “We appreciate that President Trump is an idealist who…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KF0X)
WASHINGTON—Seeking to distance himself from supporters he claimed did not represent his message, President Donald Trump held a press conference Thursday to disavow rally attendees who could barely keep a racist chant of “send her back†going for ten seconds. “I was not happy with how quickly their chant petered out,â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KEGB)
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by The Onion on (#4KEAW)
WASHINGTON—Describing her conduct as incompatible with the values of the federal judiciary, authorities handed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg a 10-case suspension Thursday for her role in the Supreme Court’s bench-clearing brawl. “Article III Section 1 of the Constitution states that members of this honorable court…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4KC22)
WASHINGTON—In an abrupt reversal of the symbolic but sternly written condemnation of the president’s racist remarks he tweeted earlier this week, the House of Representatives passed a resolution overnight Tuesday apologizing if their previous racism resolution came off as too harsh. “The rebuke was unfortunately put…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4K9H8)
WASHINGTON—Sheepishly approaching the representative after a morning hearing on U.S. livestock and poultry economies, 82-year-old New Jersey congressman Bill Pascrell quietly asked Rep. Ilhan Omar Tuesday if he could be part of her squad. “Excuse me, Ms. Omar, but I’ve been paying a good deal of attention to this…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4K7KM)
WASHINGTON—Noting multiple occasions when he had applauded the disgraced hedge fund manager’s affable personality, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he tried to warn the public about Jeffrey Epstein’s behavior by praising him as a terrific guy. “From day one, I was clearly trying to send a message to you…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4K77N)
EL PASO, TX—Following on the heels of an announcement that he and his wife were the descendants of slave-owners, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke went further Monday by admitting that members of his family were responsible for the My Lai Massacre as well as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. “The…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4K6S4)
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by The Onion on (#4K22C)
MCALLEN, TX—Appearing calm and composed after completing a tour of a migrant detention center, Vice President Mike Pence assured reporters Friday that conditions within the border camp were “not so bad†while workers sprayed down his hazmat suit with disinfectant. “After spending two hours inside this facility, both…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4K1XG)
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by The Onion on (#4K1M9)
WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Alexander Acosta as Secretary of Labor marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than three months, a worried populace told reporters Friday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4K191)
WASHINGTON—In a special White House ceremony Friday celebrating the ‘much-overlooked’ citizens for their contributions, President Trump honored the brave heroes who slept with the wives of deployed soldiers. “Despite the considerable risks these men faced, they did not hesitate to rush into the bedroom and lay down…Read more...