 |
on (#65Q75)
Since purchasing Twitter for $44 billion, Elon Musk has reportedly attempted to cut costs by eliminating some 3,700 jobs. The Onion asked several former employees how they felt about being laid off, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 20:30 |
 |
 |
on (#65PMY)
Maxwell Frost, a 25-year-old Democrat, has beaten his opponent in Tuesday’s midterm elections to represent Florida’s 10th Congressional District as the first Gen Z member of congress. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#65PCP)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#65P1H)
With a recent increase in the number of accounts suspended from the social media site, The Onion examines all the things that will get you permanently banned from Elon Musk’s Twitter.Read more...
|
 |
on (#65NZE)
Americans are increasingly concerned about political polarization and its effect on the country, with many of the proposed solutions seeming ill-suited to resolving the issue. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their preferred method of reducing political polarization.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#65NZG)
I like to think of myself as a people person. Socializing has always been second nature to me, no matter where I am. You could drop me into a room full of strangers, and we’d all be thick as thieves by the end of the night. Heck, I’d probably even do well in prison, just because I tend to get along with everybody.
|
 |
on (#65NWS)
The U.S. Department of Justice seized $3.36 billion of stolen Bitcoin after a 10-year search, authorities finding the funds hidden on various devices in a hacker’s home in an underfloor safe inside a popcorn tin. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#65NWT)
SEYMOUR, IN—Calling into question the 9-year-old amateur geologist’s taste and expertise, sources confirmed Thursday that local child Jacob Hiller could afford to be more discerning about which rocks were worth collecting. “I asked him what kind of rock this one was and he said ‘shiny’—shiny isn’t a rock type, moron,”…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65NWV)
NEW YORK—Ignoring what they apparently dismissed as just an ordinary, unassuming man with his pants around his ankles, dozens of clueless Manhattan commuters walked past the world-famous subway masturbator James Bosley without even realizing who he was, sources reported Wednesday. “It’s amazing anyone could pass by…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#65N4Y)
AUSTIN, TX—Reeling in the wake of a difficult loss in the Texas gubernatorial race, Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly asked his advisors Wednesday if getting paralyzed by a tree might help his 2026 election chances. “Look, we’ve got to be honest with ourselves and admit something is holding me back as a…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65N4D)
PITTSBURGH–Speaking to the Republican candidate over the phone early Wednesday morning, a smiling John Fetterman reportedly asked Mehmet Oz if he would mind slowly repeating his concession for the fifth time. “I don’t know if you knew this, but I’ve been experiencing some auditory processing difficulties–would you…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#65MVW)
SPRINGFIELD, IL—After attracting bipartisan sponsors in both houses of the state’s General Assembly, new legislation was introduced Wednesday that would prohibit texting while stabbing anywhere in Illinois. “Looking at your phone when you’re trying to stab someone is reckless because you can suddenly lose control of…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65MMG)
Millions of Americans went to the polls yesterday hoping to either save their nation or at least destroy it in a slightly different way. The Onion’s crack team of political reporters accompanied every single campaign and every single voter to every polling place in America to find the most compelling Election Day…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65MMH)
WASHINGTON—Left reeling after discovering she no longer qualified for healthcare coverage through her White House job, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly lost her benefits Wednesday after her hours got cut at work. “Are you kidding me? Those assholes didn’t even warn me first,” said Harris, who was furious after…Read more...
|
|
on (#65MG5)
The National Park Service is warning visitors against licking the Sonoran Desert Toad, an amphibian that secretes toxins that also act as a powerful hallucinogen when smoked, with officials stressing that even touching one can make humans very ill. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#65KYM)
U.N. Secretary General António Guterres warned world leaders at the COP27 climate conference this week that the world is “on a highway to climate hell,” and urged the two biggest polluting countries, China and the United States, to “cooperate or perish.” What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#65JKE)
SAN FRANCISCO—In a long-awaited product update from the startup that has developed brain-machine interfaces so rhesus macaques can play video games with their minds, Elon Musk revealed a new project Monday that would teach monkeys outfitted with Neuralink chips to sexually harass their coworkers. “Using…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#65J1Z)
The Onion examines what the GOP will do without delay if a red wave in the midterms puts Republicans in control of Congress.Read more...
|
 |
on (#65HZJ)
COLUMBUS, OH—Claiming there were arguments to be made on both sides of the race extermination debate, local centrist Ken Dunning advocated Monday for a more moderate approach to genocide. “We’ve really let ideology cloud our views on ethnic cleansing, and if people could just put aside the extreme, polarizing rhetoric…Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#65FNB)
Jeff Bezos’ former housekeeper is suing the billionaire over allegations of racial discrimination and poor working conditions, claiming that she was forced to work 10 to 14 hours per day and was not allowed to use the restroom while he was home. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#65F3B)
NEW ORLEANS—Bringing to light the many dangers lurking in the dark wetlands, a new study published Friday by researchers at Tulane University exposed the risks of wandering through the Burkmoore swamp on a moonless night. “According to our research, those who find themselves walking through the sumps of Burkmoore on a…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#65F1V)
PITTSBURGH—Hoping to break the habit the young child had clung to since infancy, local parents Maria and Robert Feinsod confirmed Monday they were attempting to wean their ornery toddler off cigarettes. “We’re just so used to lighting one up for him every time he gets fussy, but we think it’s probably time he stopped…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65EGF)
A majority of Americans believe that U.S. democracy is in crisis, and many point to issues with the nation’s electoral system, from dark money donations to voter suppression. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their solution to fix America’s broken electoral system.
|
|
on (#65EES)
A federal judge in Phoenix issued a restraining order against right-wing group Clean Elections USA, prohibiting the ballot box watchers from openly carrying guns, recording, or yelling at voters within specified distances of the ballot boxes. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#65EET)
WASHINGTON—Delivering a stark warning regarding the nation’s future, President Joe Biden gave a speech Wednesday night in which he cautioned Americans that the ability to even pretend the United States was a democracy was now at stake. “Today, our country teeters on a grim precipice, and if we aren’t careful, it will…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65EBS)
SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the feature’s ability to add color to posts and respond with a high level of accuracy, Twitter added a new “context” label this week to clarify when tweets made Elon Musk sad. “Starting today, posts that elicit a strong reaction will include a short paragraph to explain exactly why and how the…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#65DS6)
After the speaker of the House’s husband was assaulted with a hammer in his own home, The Onion asked prominent Republicans what they thought about the Paul Pelosi attack.Read more...
|
 |
on (#65DQ3)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week nine games.Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#65CHH)
NEW YORK—As she scanned the bill in search of any other unexpected charges, Westin hotel guest Amy Kreis told reporters Wednesday she was surprised to find she had been charged $99 for the bath robe she ate. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! I just assumed the robe was a snack that came with the compliments of the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65CHK)
HUNTSVILLE, AL—Telling reporters it was now common practice to take classic TV and movie characters from the past and water them down until they were politically correct, local conservative man Tucker Mullins stated Wednesday that he would be furious if they ever made Dora the Explorer less hot. “Every beloved icon…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65B4X)
With policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.Read more...
|
 |
on (#65B2H)
Age means many things in the American political arena. To some, it connotes wisdom, grace, and experience. To others, it suggests a fading gerontocracy that has grown increasingly out-of-touch with the average American. As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age…Read more...
|
 |
on (#65B2R)
Should Joe Biden run in 2024? I mean, sure, whatever. Who fucking cares?Read more...
|