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on (#6528C)
Unless you want to look like a fucking dumbass, it’s usually best to avoid texting teens at all costs. But if you absolutely must, here are the emojis that Gen Z hates the most and why.Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 18:45 |
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on (#6524S)
AUSTIN, TX—Touting the feature as the future of hands-free driving, Tesla unveiled schematics for its model Y+ Monday that included an undercarriage thresher to shred all evidence of running someone over. “Starting in 2024, all Teslas will be outfitted a series of high-speed titanium blades beneath the main cabin,…Read more...
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on (#6524T)
FOXBORO, MA—Shoring up his resolve as he made peace with his likely fate, Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields reportedly handed off letters to his family Monday in case he didn’t make it out of the next sack alive. “Take these letters, David [Montgomery], and see that they are delivered to my family should the…Read more...
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on (#65238)
HOUSTON, TX—Severing ties as soon as the employee’s outside allegiances came to light, NASA reportedly fired engineer Mike Langevin Monday after it was revealed he was secretly working on behalf of a black hole. “After receiving evidence that one of the agency’s engineers had an undisclosed working relationship with…Read more...
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on (#65232)
The music label of BTS has confirmed that the seven members will enlist in South Korea’s military as required by law, with the band reconvening again in 2025. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#651J9)
CHARLOTTE, NC—Taking a new approach to better safeguard their quarterback, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were reportedly using a protection scheme Sunday that involved their offensive line asking the defense to go easy on Tom Brady while he’s going through some stuff. “We’re always trying to refine things to make things…Read more...
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on (#6503P)
U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss resigned after 44 days in office after a failed tax-cutting budget that rocked financial markets and led to a revolt within her own Conservative Party, giving her the shortest PM tenure in U.K. history. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6501K)
NEW YORK—Addressing an accusation that he was “the most abusive customer” at New York restaurant Balthazar, Late Late Show host James Corden finally broke his silence Friday to confirm that he enjoys finding stray dogs and choking them until they die. “The rush I feel when watching the light leave a poor struggling…Read more...
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on (#64ZZM)
LOS ANGELES—Grasping at straws to break his unending string of embarrassing defeats, sources confirmed Friday that the new DC film Black Adam was the last chance for something to go right in Dwayne Johnson’s miserable fucking life. According to sources, the premiere of the superhero movie served as a last-ditch…Read more...
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on (#64ZFK)
Early movie star Anna May Wong will be the first Asian American to be featured on U.S. currency, with quarters bearing the actress’s image going into circulation next week as part of a program that highlights pioneering women in their respective fields. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64YPX)
LONDON—In an effort to keep the former prime minister safe for most of the way home, sources confirmed Thursday that ousted Liz Truss would continue receiving a security detail for 20 minutes after leaving office. “U.K. Special Forces and Metropolitan police will continue keeping Liz Truss safe for the next half hour…Read more...
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on (#64YAW)
LOS GATOS, CA—In a major reversal of its long-declining numbers, streaming service Netflix released a quarterly report Thursday showing it had gained over 2 million subscribers by making the characters in its shows subscribe to Netflix. “The Bridgerton family, those teens from 13 Reasons Why, Grace and Frankie—they…Read more...
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on (#64X1N)
ATHENS, GA—Signing to one of the top recovery programs in the country, former high school basketball star Brandon Palmer landed an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsorship, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We are honored to have such an esteemed local high school basketball star join our highly coveted roster of rehabilitated…Read more...
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on (#64WXH)
MIDLAND, TX—Filled with dread by the sudden change in appearance, local man Ryan Williams was reportedly alarmed Wednesday to discover his first gray arm. “I know it’s probably normal, but God, it makes me feel ancient,” said Williams, who shook his head and sighed as he studied the silvery appendage in front of the…Read more...
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on (#64W7N)
OAK BROOK, IL—Exchanging weary glances as their child closed her eyes and began to breathe slowly, exhausted couple Janet and Anthony Grisham reportedly expressed relief Tuesday after their toddler fell asleep and they could finally talk shit about her. “Oh my God, I was starting to worry she’d never actually go…Read more...
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on (#64W7P)
Georgia launched a new text alert system for voting poll managers to notify officials of threats at the polls, the new incident-reporting tool created in response to threats made against state poll workers during and after the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64W7Q)
ATLANTA—Dressing down the former NFL running back for ruining a long-running investigation, a top law enforcement official reportedly yelled at Herschel Walker on Tuesday for blowing his own cover in a sting operation to place an undercover officer in Georgia’s Senate race. “Goddammit, Walker, three years of building…Read more...
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on (#64VJQ)
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to make the platform a more civil space, Twitter announced Monday that it would promote healthier discussions online by allowing only one user to tweet at a time. “Imagine you were having dinner with five or six friends and everyone just spoke at the same time—it wouldn’t work, because no…Read more...
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on (#64VJR)
WASHINGTON—Relaxing restrictions in response to critics who called their longstanding policies discriminatory, the FDA announced Tuesday that food banks would begin accepting donations from homosexuals. “It has been the practice to reject any food donations from sexually active gay men due to perceived health risks,…Read more...
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on (#64VJH)
With the midterms fast approaching, many voters have said they are planning to sit out the November elections. The Onion asked Americans why they are not voting, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64VJJ)
Border patrol officials have found what the agency said was $400,000 worth of methamphetamine hidden inside pumpkins at the U.S–Mexico border in Texas. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64VH0)
MEDFORD, MA—Calling such behavior a guaranteed indicator of severe underlying derangement, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Tufts University confirmed that any person who really, truly likes a politician is batshit insane. “Our findings established a conclusive link between experiencing genuine fondness…Read more...
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on (#64TAQ)
VATICAN CITY—Frantically rushing to collect the scattered pieces of the valuable Catholic relic, bumbling American tourist Dale Humphries was reportedly visiting the Vatican Monday when he accidentally broke the pope. “Aw, geez, I didn’t even see him there, I’m such an idiot,” said the hapless U.S. dolt, who stood…Read more...
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on (#64TAR)
WESTPORT, CT—Local white parents Dennis and Theresa Ludlow expressed skepticism Monday while confronting their white son about the fact that he brought home a white girl. “We couldn’t help but notice that the girl you brought over for Sunday dinner was white, huh?” said Theresa Ludlow, explaining that they had nothing…Read more...
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on (#64T95)
WASHINGTON—Calling the measure long overdue, the White House announced Monday that the Biden administration was now offering migrants a fast, legal path to deportation. “It is well past time that anyone who crosses the border into the United States is able to access a standardized, regulated framework to get…Read more...
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on (#64R16)
WASHINGTON—In what many are calling the most dramatic evidence collected by the Jan. 6 committee to date, new footage released Friday showed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) inside the Capitol threatening to give Trump bad stock tips. “I don’t care, I’ve been waiting for this—if he trespasses on Capitol grounds, I’m…Read more...
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on (#64QX4)
RALEIGH, NC—In the hours following a violent rampage in North Carolina in which a lone attacker killed at least five individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre…Read more...
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on (#64QF8)
Fat Bear Week was rocked by scandal after organizers said the virtual ballot box had been “stuffed” in favor of a brown bear called Holly, forcing officials to discount thousands of fraudulent votes before finally naming Bear Force One as the rightful winner. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64PTN)
Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay almost $1 billion in damages to the families who suffered from the Infowars founder’s lies that the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre was a hoax. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64P4X)
This November, state senator and Christian nationalist Doug Mastriano will be on the ballot in the Pennsylvania governor’s race. The Onion asked Pennsylvanians why they are voting for the Republican candidate, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64MXM)
ARLINGTON, VA—In what military experts have touted as a stunning breakthrough in advanced weaponry, defense contractor Raytheon Technologies unveiled Wednesday the first precision-guided missile said to be capable of targeting and scuffing up Jordans. “Our new surface-to-air missile is able to identify, lock on to,…Read more...
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on (#64MS0)
The National Institutes of Health is funding the development of new AI to diagnose illnesses by the sounds of patients’ voices, using vocal cord vibrations and breathing patterns to detect disorders like Parkinson’s, pneumonia, and depression. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64MRF)
On Sept. 30, a conservatives-only dating app called The Right Stuff launched with backing from billionaire Peter Thiel. The following are excerpts from bios of users who have registered on the controversial site.Read more...
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on (#64MRG)
WASHINGTON—Confirming long-held theories of produce-smuggling among U.S.-backed guerillas in Central America, a series of leaked documents revealed Wednesday that a covert CIA operation flooded white communities with vegetables in the 1980s. “These records show concrete evidence that the CIA intentionally allowed…Read more...
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on (#64M1J)
WRIGHTSVILLE, GA—In an attempt to reorient his campaign following weeks of devastating scandals, the campaign of U.S. Senate candidate Herschel Walker reportedly emailed supporters Tuesday citing an urgent need for donations to fund abortions. “We’re begging you: Our campaign is running out of time to pay for all…Read more...
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