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on (#6455R)
LANCASTER, PA—Responding to growing demands from critics that he address ongoing concerns about his health, U.S. Senate candidate John Fetterman reportedly offered voters full medical transparency at a rally Wednesday by ripping his heart out of his chest. “It’s essential that we address any worries voters have…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:00 |
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on (#6455S)
MENLO PARK, CA—With their CEO claiming he had been able to do it before when no one was looking, Facebook employees reportedly sighed Wednesday as Mark Zuckerberg attempted to break a board with his fist for the 10th time. “He keeps trying to punch through it, and he told us we can’t leave until he shows us how it’s…Read more...
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on (#6453N)
Giorgia Meloni, leader of Brothers of Italy, a party with neo-fascist roots, has claimed victory in a general election, making her Italy’s first female prime minister and installing the most far-right government since the fascist era of Benito Mussolini. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6451H)
MOUNT PLEASANT, SC—Remarking that at the very least she should have begun to fear for her safety, local man James Weir told reporters this week that he was a little insulted by how unthreatened the woman walking alone in front of him seemed. “I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but feel a little weird about the fact…Read more...
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on (#64500)
They might seem polished and put together, but even celebrities get caught talking dirty sometimes. Buckle up, because here are the most famous leaked sexts of all time.Read more...
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on (#644D9)
Russian president Vladimir Putin has granted citizenship to Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor living in exile in Moscow after being charged with espionage in the U.S. for leaking information on American intelligence and mass surveillance programs to the media. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6448J)
CLEVELAND, OH—Uncovering a relationship between an arched spine and one’s innermost feelings, experts at Cleveland Clinic reportedly found a link Tuesday between poor posture and an accurate understanding of self-worth. “According to our data, there is a distinct connection between a slouch in someone’s back and a…Read more...
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on (#6448K)
MIAMI—In an effort to ensure the state’s residents were fully prepared to weather the Category 3 storm, the Federal Emergency Management Agency reportedly urged Floridians Tuesday to stock up on memorial supplies. “We’re asking all Florida residents to get ready for Hurricane Ian by making sure they have plenty of…Read more...
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on (#643NV)
On Sept. 21, 2022, New York Attorney General Letitia James filed a sweeping $250 million civil suit against Donald Trump and three of his adult children. Here are the biggest revelations from the filing.Read more...
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on (#643NJ)
CHIYODA, TOKYO—Craning his neck in frustration between the heads and shoulders of the many dignitaries and officials seated in front of him, 42-year-old assassin Tetsuya Yamagami was reportedly annoyed Tuesday by his lousy seats at the state funeral of former Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Sheesh, I get that I wasn’t…Read more...
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on (#643KN)
GAINESVILLE, FL—Sources confirmed Tuesday that local man James McDermott, despite living on a doomed planet, was mostly concerned about the skin color of people in movies. According to sources, the 36-year-old software engineer, who is an occupant of a world with a devastated ecosystem, dwindling natural resources,…Read more...
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on (#642Z3)
President Biden has awarded Sir Elton John with the National Humanities Medal for his advocacy in the global fight against HIV/AIDs, surprising the music icon following a performance on the South Lawn of the White House. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#642CX)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing how important it was for Americans to get in on the ground floor while they still could, a struggling U.S. military announced Monday that it would now require every soldier to recruit an additional 300 new troops. “If you’re interested in joining the U.S. military, you should act fast because…Read more...
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on (#642CY)
CHICAGO—Evaluating a number of available treatment options for chronic insomnia, sleep experts at Rush University released a report Monday touting a unanimous recommendation to just give up and scroll The Onion’s website until daybreak. “After extensively reviewing studies on the best ways to alleviate insomnia, or…Read more...
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on (#642B6)
According to new CDC data, the U.S. saw a sustained surge in STIs in 2021, with syphilis rates increasing by 26%, prompting health officials to call for new prevention and treatment efforts. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6429B)
DALLAS—Telling reporters about the adjustments he had made to his game over the summer, Dallas Mavericks point guard Luka Doncic confirmed Monday that he spent his offseason adding a variety of new complaints to his repertoire. “The offseason is about looking for ways to improve, so I’ve been really working hard on…Read more...
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on (#64297)
STUTTGART, GERMANY—Acknowledging an unsavory blemish in the company’s history, Mercedes-Benz released a statement Tuesday that addressed its contributions to the Nazi war effort with a reminder that the Third Reich had notoriously high standards for quality engineering. “We unequivocally apologize for our cooperation…Read more...
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on (#6427Q)
LONDON—Following Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral and her people’s farewell to their longest-serving monarch, sources confirmed Monday that England had begun exiting its somber mourning period in order to resume its regular joyless normalcy. When Elizabeth passed on Sept. 8, English citizens reportedly paused their…Read more...
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on (#6401H)
MOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether occupied areas of Ukraine would join Russia. “I already know what’s going…Read more...
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on (#63ZZD)
NEW YORK—Expressing shock and outrage at the sudden end to the General Assembly’s 2022 session, sources reported Friday that the United Nations had mysteriously disappeared after criticizing Russia. “U.S. intelligence assets received no warning that U.N. Headquarters in Manhattan would vanish completely and without a…Read more...
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on (#63ZZE)
Michigan GOP congressional candidate, John Gibbs, reportedly started a self-described “think tank” while in college, called the Society for the Critique of Feminism, that argued women’s suffrage negatively impacted the country and that women should not vote or work outside the home. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63ZTQ)
Fast fashion, the trend of clothing producers replicating high-fashion designs and selling them at lower prices, has grown in recent years to become a nearly $100 billion industry, and some have criticized its consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of fast fashion.Read more...
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on (#63ZB7)
WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an excited circle of clapping people formed around them. “If any…Read more...
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on (#63ZB8)
This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#63Z8W)
United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63Z8M)
PEABODY, MA—Saying he was looking forward to a more up-close-and-personal experience, local man Todd Hampton reportedly paid extra at the Déjà Vu strip club buffet Friday to get some private time in the backroom with a buffalo wing. “Oh yeah, ever since I stepped in the club I’ve had my eyes on this pretty little…Read more...
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on (#63YGG)
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Addressing a rally this week with a lazy attempt to appeal to his supporters, former President Donald Trump said, ‘I’m Mr. Q the pedophile or whatever,” in a half-assed attempt to pander to QAnon. “Yeah, that’s right, it’s me, Mr. Q, the pizza demon, and I have kids in my basement and who knows what…Read more...
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on (#63Y2Z)
Although the election isn’t for another two years, it’s never too early to drive ourselves completely insane by speculating on the nominees. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on who will lead the GOP ticket in the 2024 presidential election.
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on (#63Y15)
Political nonprofits spent more than $2.4 billion in undisclosed cash during the 2020 election cycle, and this week, a bill that would require them to begin disclosing their donors is expected to fail in the Senate. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they support dark money.Read more...
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on (#63XX3)
SEATTLE—Expressing frustration that his ageless insights were being utterly squandered by the overeager mid-level executive, a mysterious and potentially supernatural Black janitor was reportedly annoyed Thursday to be wasting his folk wisdom on a white man asking for crypto advice. “I cannot believe that every time I…Read more...
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on (#63XX4)
BALTIMORE—Calling the incident “a heartbreaking and unforgivable error” that they would investigate thoroughly, the Baltimore Police Department apologized Thursday for tasing an innocent man that they meant to shoot. “This morning, what was supposed to be a routine traffic stop turned tragic when an officer…Read more...
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on (#63XX5)
NEW YORK—Rejoicing over his latest triumph, renowned grandmaster and political activist Garry Kasparov reportedly cackled Thursday upon winning yet another chess match against the Roomba that cleans his Upper West Side apartment. “And checkmate! You’ve been foiled again, my dear fellow,” the former world chess…Read more...
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on (#63XX6)
ST. LOUIS—Careful to be not be overzealous as she discharged the canister of Mace into her assailant’s eyes, local woman Myra Shaw was reportedly trying to save enough pepper spray for the rest of her walk home on Wednesday evening. “It doesn’t take a lot—just enough until he drops the knife,” said Shaw, who appeared…Read more...
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on (#63X7X)
Gov. Kathy Hochul (D-NY) says the Metropolitan Transportation Authority will install security cameras in every train car in order to reassure riders about the safety of New York City’s subways in the wake of high-profile shootings. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63WNS)
Gutsy, an eight-part docuseries starring and produced by Hillary and Chelsea Clinton, aims to shine a light on bold, brave women. Here are the best moments from the new Apple+ show.Read more...
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on (#63WH7)
The U.S. Department of Agriculture has approved a genetically modified purple tomato, the pigment coming from chemicals called anthocyanins which give blueberries, blackberries, and eggplants their purplish hues, clearing the path for the unique fruit to be sold in American stores next year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63WH8)
Officials in multiple states have put out orders to kill spotted lanternflies on sight. The Onion answers common questions about the spotted lanternfly and its presence in the U.S.
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on (#63WH9)
SEATTLE—In a nationwide survey published on waste management, University of Washington researchers confirmed Wednesday that more U.S. cities are now providing citizens with special disposal bins for cursed artifacts. “Enchanted talismans and hexed amulets can have damaging effects if their black magic seeps into the…Read more...
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