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on (#669GW)
PALM BEACH, FL—Appearing crestfallen during a dinner with the white supremacist at his Mar-a-Lago estate, former President Donald Trump is said to have expressed deep sadness last week when he was told by Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes that the Holocaust never happened. “Wait, so all those stories I heard as a child…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 15:15 |
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on (#66928)
GREAT FALLS, MT—Nervously readjusting his thick and healthy follicles, local man Mike Chesper told reporters Monday that he hoped no one could tell he was totally bald under his full head of hair. “I try to cover it up with my voluminous locks, but I’m worried it’s obvious that, beneath it all, I’m bald as can be,”…Read more...
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on (#66929)
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to save millions in production costs with little effect on viewership, Marvel Studios announced Monday that it wasn’t even going to bother replacing green screens with CGI anymore. “Essentially, we’re just going to put the actors in front of a green background, film the thing, and that’s…Read more...
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on (#6692A)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the practice represented at best an imperfect way to practice contraception, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a study Monday warning that tying one’s penis into a knot only prevented pregnancies in 73% of cases. “Unfortunately, there’s a widespread and prevailing belief among…Read more...
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on (#6692B)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In pioneering new research that could revolutionize the understanding of Earth’s flora, a study published Monday by biologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that plants communicate using an underground network of spies. “For the first time, we have been able to intercept the…Read more...
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on (#6692C)
“It’s a damn shame that we have to hear about it.”Read more...
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on (#666WG)
Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.Read more...
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on (#666WH)
NEW YORK—Raving to coworkers as he scribbled furiously on a map of the United States, increasingly unhinged statistician Nate Silver reportedly declared Friday that 39 had an 83% chance of being 64. “You have to crunch the data, and everything we’re seeing shows that out of thousands of 90s there’s a more than 47%…Read more...
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on (#666V2)
MILFORD, CT—Threatening to publicly expose millions of people’s names should no action be taken, Subway officials announced Friday that they would reveal the identities of customers who eat the restaurant’s food if they refused to pay a ransom. “If we do not receive your money transfer at Subway headquarters by…Read more...
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on (#666V3)
CLEVELAND—Telling the young woman that “her chariot awaits,” local predator Seth Forsyth reportedly opened the trunk for his date Friday in an act of chivalry. “Please, allow me,” Forsyth said with a smile, who offered his incapacitated date his arm to hold onto as he dragged her to the trunk of his car, bowing…Read more...
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on (#6660C)
Americans across the nation are sitting down to celebrate Thanksgiving. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to find out what they’re most thankful for.Read more...
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on (#6660E)
Today, Americans across the country are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?Read more...
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on (#665Y3)
People say the holidays are about spending time with family and friends, but we all know what it’s really about—food. From best to worst, here is a ranking of the iconic Thanksgiving dishes we all grew up eating.Read more...
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on (#665Y4)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 12 games.
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on (#665Y6)
HILLIARD, FL—Complaining about how slow and cumbersome the entire process had been, frustrated local man Jeff Engers told reporters Thursday he was still on the waitlist to register as a sex offender in his community. “I’ve been trying for weeks to get on that registry, and I’m starting to wonder what exactly a guy’s…Read more...
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on (#6657N)
The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#664ZK)
CHESAPEAKE, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured at least four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the…Read more...
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on (#664Z0)
The 2022 FIFA World Cup, which kicked off Sunday and continues through Dec. 18, met with more controversy than usual due to the actions of host nation Qatar. The Onion answers your most pressing questions about the 2022 World Cup.
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on (#664QP)
Bob Dylan’s love letters he wrote as a teen to his high school sweetheart sold at auction for $669,875, the lot consisting of 42 hand-written letters that spanned 150 pages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#664NF)
WASHINGTON—Looking into the birds’ eyes and placing a hand on their shoulders, President Joe Biden met at the White House with a group of turkeys who had lost their loved ones to Thanksgiving, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “There, there–you’ll be all right,” said Biden, kneeling down to the floor to embrace…Read more...
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on (#664NG)
NEWTON, MA—Begging her Thanksgiving guests to calm down, take a deep breath, and try to take the high road, local mother Martha Cantor urged family members this week to please refrain from fighting the turkey again this year. “Okay, everyone, I know we all have our differences, but just this once, I’d like to get…Read more...
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on (#664MZ)
With the season upon us, The Onion asked Americans to share what they dread the most about the holidays.Read more...
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on (#663ZN)
ZURICH—Defending the organization against criticism over the human rights record of 2022 World Cup host Qatar, clash-flush FIFA executives told reporters Tuesday that every World Cup host has had slaves at some point. “What the woke critics complaining about this year’s host utterly fail to realize is that human…Read more...
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on (#663CV)
Qatar announced it is banning all beer sales at and around its eight World Cup stadiums, the 11th-hour policy change angering fans and longtime World Cup sponsor, Budweiser. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#663BZ)
SEATTLE—As part of an attempt to more equitably implement a strategy of profiling and mass incarceration, members of the Seattle Police Department engaged in a team-building scavenger hunt this week in which they were challenged to arrest someone of every race. “Officers are partnering up to go around the city looking…Read more...
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on (#662CF)
DOHA, QATAR—Pulling dozens of U.K. soccer fans aside for additional questioning, Qatari authorities accused British World Cup attendees of defying the tournament’s total ban on alcohol and smuggling beer into the stadium through their bloodstreams, FIFA officials confirmed Monday. “It’s disappointing to see so many…Read more...
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on (#662CE)
BOSTON—Glancing at his watch as the afternoon dragged on, local priest Father Daniel McConnell reportedly admitted Monday that he never knew how to fill the awkward silence that came after he had administered last rites but before the person had died. “Not sure what else to say—um, goodbye?” said the clergyman, who…Read more...
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on (#662CG)
Although Elon Musk touts self-driving cars as the way of the future, the following shortcomings of Tesla’s autopilot mode are too big to ignore.Read more...
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on (#662CJ)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to improve their readiness for the real world, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the launch of a new STEM program that teaches students skills to appease the whims of a capricious tech CEO. “This new program updates the traditional fields of science, technology,…Read more...
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on (#662CH)
KAYSVILLE, UT—Calling on parental authorities to provide him with answers immediately, local toddler Elijah Schmitz demanded a full investigation Monday into why that man over there had no hair. “What happened to that man’s head?” said the 2-year-old Schmitz, who was dogged in his pursuit to get to the bottom of…Read more...
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on (#662CK)
CHICAGO—Shining a flashlight down a staircase that sent the renters scurrying away, local landlord Matthew Prero pledged Monday to address his building’s tenant infestation. “Jesus Christ, this has gotten out of hand—they’re everywhere,” said Prero, who expressed alarmed over how quickly the tenants had proliferated…Read more...
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on (#661F5)
DOHA, QATAR—Unveiling several policies for the upcoming international soccer tournament, the nation of Qatar announced Sunday that its World Cup stadiums would cut off human sales after the 75th minute of each soccer match. “We want fans to enjoy themselves, but we also want to provide a safe environment, so get your…Read more...
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on (#65ZYE)
Nancy Pelosi, who has led Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives for almost two decades, has announced she is standing down from the role, as Republicans are projected to take back control of the House following the midterm elections. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65ZTD)
AUSTIN, TX—Explaining that it was best to put him out of his misery as quickly as possible, local father and birthday party host Ian Klassen reportedly took an injured clown behind the bouncy house Friday to shoot him. “He was trying to do a headstand on his unicycle when he lost balance and fell, and there was a…Read more...
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on (#65ZTE)
Donald Trump’s announcement on Tuesday that he will run for president again in 2024 makes him part of an exclusive group of ex-presidents who sought their old office back. The Onion looks back at the history of ex-presidents who tried to run again.Read more...
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