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on (#65B2P)
At the age of 79, Joe Biden is the oldest person ever to serve as president of the United States of America. While Biden may be considering running for a second term in 2024, he is sadly much too old, unlike myself, who, as a journalist and public figure, is incredibly youthful, marketable, and available for booking…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 20:30 |
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on (#65AZ2)
Elon Musk’s Twitter takeover sparked a surge in the usage of racial epithets on the social media platform, with the N-word increasing by nearly 500% in 12 hours by Twitter trolls “celebrating” the site’s purchase by the “free speech absolutist.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65A94)
Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bündchen announced that they “amicably finalized” their divorce after 13 years of marriage. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65A95)
DES MOINES, IA—With polls showing him just three points ahead of Democratic challenger Mike Franken, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) appeared to be facing his toughest reelection bid since Reconstruction, top political observers confirmed Monday. “Not since his tight race against Greenback Party candidate Thaddeus Obadiah…Read more...
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Child Forced Into Pumpkin Costume Feels First Twinge Of Rage That Will One Day Make Him Mass Shooter
on (#65A79)
WINAMAC, IN—As the previously latent fury hidden deep within him began to awaken, sources reported Monday that a local child forced into a pumpkin costume felt the first twinge of a rage that would one day inspire him to become a mass shooter and commit indiscriminate murder.
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on (#65A7B)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Scouring the bag of candy before throwing it across the room in defeat, disappointed trick-or-treater Olivia Vercetti, 8, told reporters Monday that she was really hoping to get at least one pack of fentanyl this Halloween. “Aw, man, everybody was supposed to be giving out rainbow fentanyl this year,…Read more...
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on (#65A24)
CORVALLIS, OR—Pointing out the absolute waste of money on display, Halloween party sources told reporters Monday that guest Daniel Sarpitta dropped hundreds on a fancy pirate costume that he’ll wear maybe 50 times a year. “Don’t get me wrong, the costume looks amazing, but to pay that much for an 18th-century pirate…Read more...
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on (#65A25)
The Onion asked conservatives why they fear the fetid hellhole that is the five boroughs of New York City, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#659WV)
RICHMOND HEIGHTS, MO—Noting that his enthusiasm for the plush costume had started to wane over the past few years, local dachshund Toby told reporters Monday that just once, he would love to dress up as something other than a hot dog for Halloween. “There are plenty of foods I could be for Halloween—a pickle, a…Read more...
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on (#659WW)
PROVIDENCE, RI—Growing increasingly incensed at the inherent unfairness of the situation, sobbing husband Luke Williams is said to have told his spouse Monday that he still didn’t understand why he couldn’t bring a fake sword with him into work. “How are any of my coworkers going to know about my cool sword moves if I…Read more...
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on (#659T5)
A new study found that Americans die younger in conservative states than in those governed by liberals, with simulations showing that changing state policies to fully liberal could have saved more than 171,000 lives in 2019. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65818)
HOUSTON—Marveling to himself as he looked up at a replay on the stadium scoreboard, Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve was reportedly heard saying that he still couldn’t get over how small he looked out there. “My God, I look so tiny up there—it seriously gets me every time,” said the awestruck Altuve, adding…Read more...
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on (#657QY)
Elon Musk took control of the social media site Twitter this week with a $44 billion deal. The Onion asked conservatives what they thought about Musk buying Twitter.Read more...
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on (#657NR)
Election officials warn that the 2022 midterms could be impacted by a ballot paper shortage brought about by supply chain issues during the pandemic and worsened by editing mistakes or last-minute changes to local ballots requiring a large-scale reprint. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#657NT)
WASHINGTON—Still trembling after the “startlingly lifelike” nightmare, Pentagon officials warned the nation Friday that they had a scary dream about China. “China was chasing us, and they had a knife,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, who suggested that the rival superpower could be more of an imminent threat…Read more...
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on (#657KW)
BANGOR, ME—Explaining that he had drawn a total blank and could no longer say why he had braved the smoke and flames, local man Todd Stringer confirmed Friday that he simply could not recall what he had run into a burning building for. “I know I came in here to get something, but I can’t for the life of me remember…Read more...
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on (#657B3)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to enact meaningful change at the community level, Gov. Greg Abbott announced Friday that Texas had launched an outreach program to provide troubled teens with assault rifles. “Starting today, the State of Texas will work with local leaders to identify students most at-risk of perpetuating…Read more...
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on (#657B4)
MENLO PARK, CA—Following a stock plunge that saw $80 billion wiped from the Facebook parent’s market cap, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg held an all-company meeting to announce that his metaverse avatar was crying, sources inside the company reported Friday. “I have with a heavy heart called you all here today to discuss…Read more...
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on (#6574Y)
DUNLAP, TN—Running through a few of the many benefits of serving in the Army, U.S. military recruiter Brad Usborne reportedly informed a teen Friday that if he joined he would have the opportunity to experience a great many exciting new medical conditions. “When you enlist, you’ll be able to develop asthma, heart…Read more...
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on (#6574Z)
The close Pennsylvania Senate race between John Fetterman and Mehmet Oz could decide which party controls the upper chamber of Congress after the midterms. The Onion looks at the backgrounds of Fetterman and Oz, as well as where both stand on key issues.
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on (#65750)
Halloween can present many potential dangers to children, who are often young and idiotic. The Onion asked parents to share their biggest fears about trick-or-treating.Read more...
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on (#6574D)
Nearly 400 school districts spanning all 50 states and Washington, D.C., along with several tribes and U.S. territories, are receiving roughly $1 billion in grants to purchase about 2,500 “clean” school buses under a new federal program. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#656H4)
NORWALK, CT—Arriving unannounced with a grand vision for a revolutionary collaboration, the musician and fashion designer Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, burst into Pepperidge Farm corporate offices with a pitch for a new shoe cookie, sources confirmed Thursday. “This next-level combo of fashion and snacks combines…Read more...
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on (#656FF)
WRIGHTSVILLE, GA—Pulling a kepi out from his jacket and flashing the cap for all to see as evidence of rank within the army, Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker claimed Thursday that he was an honorary Confederate soldier. “Although I may not have fought directly in Gettysburg or Antietam, I am a 100% real…Read more...
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on (#655YE)
EVANSTON, IL—Sighing with exasperation at the last-minute request, local mom Nancy Andrews expressed frustration Thursday when her son Tim Andrews waited until the night before to tell her he needed a costume for a Halloween celebration at his office. “Why didn’t you say something about this earlier—it’s been on your…Read more...
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on (#655WQ)
Five tourists were rescued 24 hours after an elevator malfunction trapped them 200 feet underground at Arizona’s Grand Canyon Caverns. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#655TY)
NEW YORK—In response to reports about a growing achievement gap with girls, the nation’s boys announced Thursday that they would definitely do better in school if they get a PlayStation 5. “If you buy us a PS5, we promise we’ll try super hard in class—especially if you get us a PS5 Pro, which has really good…Read more...
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on (#655TM)
Hello. Well, it’s here already: another holiday season. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas more than anyone, but you have to admit, it feels just a little less special when we’re thinking about the Yuletide spirit and there’s not even snow on the ground yet. I mean, seriously, is it just me, or do the intense,…Read more...
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on (#655TN)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games.Read more...
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on (#6552A)
Rishi Sunak became the new prime minister of the United Kingdom on Monday, replacing Liz Truss. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Sunak.
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on (#654ZW)
SALT LAKE CITY—After he astonished a coworker who previously thought what she was witnessing was nearly impossible, sources confirmed Wednesday that a local Black man was informed he was pretty articulate for a fundamentally subhuman life form. “Wow, it’s nice to meet an innately inferior being who is so well spoken,”…Read more...
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on (#654TV)
NEW YORK—Emphasizing the importance of helping elderly Americans maintain their dignity, officials from Silver Spring assisted living center told reporters Wednesday that they strove to give residents the independence to wander off and die on their own. “Our philosophy at Silver Spring has always been to give our…Read more...
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on (#654QH)
A Massachusetts woman is facing multiple assault and battery charges for releasing a swarm of bees on sheriff’s deputies as they tried to serve her an eviction notice. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#654QJ)
ARLINGTON, TX—In a move that administrators at James Madison High School called “incredibly disrespectful,” 12th-grade student James Grayson was reportedly sent to the principal’s office Tuesday for refusing to masturbate to the American flag. “Today, James decided not to participate in the Pledge of Allegiance,…Read more...
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on (#654NW)
If you know a pregnant 10-year-old who has been denied the right to terminate her pregnancy, here are some comforting things you can say.Read more...
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on (#6543P)
TULSA, OK—Sitting the kids down to break the bad news for the final time, local mother Julia Ivey informed her children Tuesday that their grandfather had died for real this time. “I know I’ve said this before, but Grandpa is actually dead now,” said Ivey, emphasizing that this death wasn’t like the many false alarms…Read more...
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on (#653Z8)
LOS GATOS, CA—In response to reports that the streaming giant had lost significant revenue to rampant account sharing, Netflix announced Tuesday it had begun to crack down on users and limit them to a single eyeball per screen. “Starting today, account holders who watch Netflix programs will only be allowed to do so…Read more...
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on (#653SW)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Unearthing text excluded from the canonical Bible during the First Council of Nicaea, biblical historians at the University of Oxford revealed Thursday that the man recognized by Christians as the Son of God chose Jesus Christ as a stage name in order to come off as less Jewish. “According to these…Read more...
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on (#653J8)
Recent polls found that American men under 30 are not having sex. The Onion asked U.S. women to explain why males under the age of 30 are so unfuckable.Read more...
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on (#653G8)
MIAMI—Describing the 26-year-old restaurant worker as an “ingrate” and a “bitch,” sources reported Tuesday that local waitress Tia Murray was apparently not going to use social media to post about the $1,000 tip she had received. “So she’s just going to keep it to herself, huh?” said sources, who noted that it had…Read more...
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on (#652JC)
AUSTIN—Following a meeting with investors, reports surfaced Friday alleging that business magnate Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter would include cutting the current staff down to a single devoted hunchback who laughs hysterically at all of his boss’s brilliant tweets.Read more...
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on (#6528M)
“Quiet quitting” is the new buzzword sweeping workplaces across the country, although the issues it really reflects can be confusing. The Onion answers common questions about the “quiet quitting” phenomenon.
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