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on (#66NPV)
THE HEAVENS—The Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, told reporters Friday he was still kicking Himself for not coming up with hentai on His own, saying the Japanese form of animated pornography represented everything He had hoped to capture in creation. “In all My divine work, My…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 15:15 |
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on (#66N40)
SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing concern that he might have totally ruined the holiday season, Elon Musk reportedly worried Thursday that he wouldn’t have enough Twitter employees left to fire on Christmas Eve. “Gosh, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to parcel them out long enough to enjoy destroying a few of their lives on…Read more...
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on (#66MM9)
The average American spends about one-third of their single precious life at work, and most workplaces offer no shortage of challenges. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to discover what Americans see as the biggest issue in the modern workplace.
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on (#66MJM)
Right-wing extremist and former Marjorie Taylor-Green intern Milo Yiannopoulos was reportedly fired from Kanye West’s 2024 presidential campaign following a string of disastrous media appearances by West and rumored campaign infighting. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66MJC)
On Feb. 28, 2023, HarperCollins will publish a memoir by controversial Florida governor and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis. Here are the biggest revelations from his forthcoming campaign book The Courage To Be Free.Read more...
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on (#66KP9)
Elon Musk recently promoted a Twitter thread by journalist Matt Taibbi, which detailed internal company documents showing that the social media site blocked tweets publicizing a news story on Hunter Biden’s laptop. Here’s what The Onion discovered about Elon Musk’s “Twitter Files.”Read more...
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on (#66KE4)
On Monday, the Supreme Court heard a case concerning a Christian website designer who wanted to deny service to LGBTQ+ customers, reigniting debate over whether private businesses should be able to refuse to offer their services on religious grounds. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of refusing service based on…Read more...
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on (#66K9N)
HYDE PARK, NY—Moments after being seated at local establishment Stonehill Tavern, local man Jeremy Kilpatrick reportedly asked his date, “So what do you do for work?” in a brilliant opening gambit in the great game of making her love him. “So, wait, you said you were in marketing?” said the grandmaster of romance,…Read more...
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on (#66K9Q)
FORT WAYNE, IN—Noting the odd idiosyncrasy exclusive to the identical pair, sources reported Wednesday that two area twins had invented a secret sex move they only use with each other. “Yeah, other people don’t understand what we’re doing, but it’s just a special thing we came up with as kids,” said Ethan Burke,…Read more...
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on (#66JKB)
Former President Trump has claimed the Constitution can be terminated to reinstate him as president, falsely citing election fraud as grounds, after Elon Musk released information about Twitter’s role in limiting access to a story about Hunter Biden,. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66JKC)
ATLANTA—Crawling on his hands and knees in an attempt to scoop up as many as he could before anyone at the campaign event noticed, Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker was reportedly scrambling to collect dozens of fetuses that fell out of his pants pockets, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,”…Read more...
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on (#66JKD)
DENVER—After local woman Ruby Johnson filed a lawsuit claiming police had conducted an illegal search when they entered her home by mistake earlier this year, a Denver SWAT team broke down a door with a battering ram Tuesday to apologize for the previous botched raid. “Put your hands on the back of your head and come…Read more...
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on (#66JEX)
NEW YORK—According to a source huddling nearby in the basement of an apartment building, a local rat mother came under fire Tuesday for allegedly savoring one child over another. “Right now, she has a litter of seven in her burrow, and anyone who’s been over there has seen the way she relishes some of those babies…Read more...
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on (#66J1R)
AUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is known solely for wearing a Nazi armband and crying, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Finley amassed millions of conservative viewers on his Discord channel, where the up-and-coming young GOP figure…Read more...
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on (#66HZQ)
SAN FRANCISCO—Updating the payment system to make sermonizing to service workers more efficient, a new Square feature released Tuesday allows customers to tip with Bible quotes. “We are proud to announce that the tipping experience is now more easier than ever with the addition of Bible passages,” said CEO Jack…Read more...
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on (#66HXZ)
Elon Musk announced that he expects to start human trials of the Neuralink brain chip. Here’s what The Onion knows about this project.Read more...
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on (#66H8K)
The USDA reported over 50 million birds have died amid a record-breaking outbreak of avian flu in the United States, affecting flocks in 46 states and surpassing a previous high set in 2015. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66H8M)
Bob Dylan has apologized for an “error in judgment,” after it emerged that he used a machine to autograph special $599 copies of his new book that had been advertised as “hand signed.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66GYT)
8,000 U.S. army soldiers were accidentally tear-gassed during a physical morale event when organizers took the unusual step of marking the boundary of the course with CS gas without warning soldiers who did not have any protective gear. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66GYW)
Almighty Twitter overlord Elon Musk has begun granting amnesty to accounts banned from the platform before his purchase of the company. Here are what some of those users are saying about their prospective return to Twitter.Read more...
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on (#66CR2)
IRVINE, CA—Calling its latest offering the ultimate innovation in Mexican-inspired fast food, restaurant chain Taco Bell announced Thursday that it had added a cheesy beef dunk tank to its menu. “At select locations throughout the country, customers can now get their Taco Bell fix through total immersion in a…Read more...
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on (#66CR3)
Giving Tuesday is an annual effort during the holiday shopping season to encourage donations to charity, but with so many charities out there, it can be difficult to determine which ones deserve the money. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans, all of whom give to charity, on how they pick who gets their…Read more...
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on (#66CM6)
WRIGHTSVILLE, GA—In a display of confidence ahead of the Georgia Senate runoff, Republican candidate Herschel Walker has begun quietly asking around about recommendations for Washington, D.C. abortion clinics, sources confirmed Thursday. “It needs to be close to my office at the Capitol, but not too visible—something…Read more...
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on (#66CM7)
Five cars rented by President Joe Biden’s Secret Service detail for his Thanksgiving weekend trip to Nantucket mysteriously burst into flames a day after he left, with the cause of the fire still under investigation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66C0W)
NEW YORK—Issuing a controversial directive regarding the city’s unhoused population, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday that New York would resume the involuntary placement of mentally ill individuals in the audience of The Tonight Show. “The safest place for these troubled New Yorkers to be is in a television…Read more...
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on (#66BY4)
Luxury fashion brand Balenciaga has apologized for its advertising campaign that featured young children posing with teddy bears that appeared to be dressed in BDSM costumes, claiming the ads were not approved by the company. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66BP9)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these…Read more...
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on (#66BBP)
Donald Trump hosted White nationalist and Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes and rapper Kanye West, who has been under fire recently for antisemitic remarks, at his Mar-a-Lago estate, just one week after announcing his 2024 presidential bid. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66BBF)
WAYNESVILLE, OH—Launching what appeared to be a fully coordinated social media campaign to alert family and friends to the program, sources told reporters Wednesday that local mother Teresa Sheradon was apparently doing full-time, unpaid PR now for some Disney+ show about whales. Sheradon, whom sources confirmed had…Read more...
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on (#66B9Y)
WATERLOO, IA—Stating that “you never know what could happen down the road,” local man James Kenney told reporters Wednesday that he was afraid to get a tattoo of his children’s names in case he felt different about them in 10 years. “It’s easy to get caught up in the moment in the delivery room, but what about next…Read more...
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on (#66B9N)
THE HEAVENS—Touting His latest majestic creation as the ideal recipe for wintertime fun, the Almighty God, He Who Reigneth Omnipotent in Heaven and Earth, released new peppermint-flavored chipmunks on Wednesday. “Just in time for the holidays, these festive yuletide chipmunks are the perfect treat for parents, kids,…Read more...
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on (#66AJ5)
Hawaii’s Mauna Loa, the world’s largest active volcano, has started to erupt for the first time since 1984, with volcanic ash and debris falling nearby but lava flows not currently threatening any downslope communities. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66A1A)
CHICAGO—In a nationwide survey of more than 5,000 girlfriends currently out on the town, a new poll published Tuesday by the University of Chicago’s Center for Public Affairs Research found that 82% of drunk women really needed a night like this. “Four-fifths of all female friends drinking to excess said that, until…Read more...
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on (#66A1B)
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying they had to be realistic about what their current situation entailed, married couple Brett and Hannah Steinwald told reporters Tuesday that they were taking their struggle to get pregnant as a sign that they should keep trying until their relationship eventually implodes. “Look, if we aren’t…Read more...
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on (#66A1C)
MARIETTA, OH—Pledging to arrive at the crack of dawn and stay until their families came and picked them up, the nation’s old men announced plans Tuesday to wake up at 5 a.m. and argue with other old men around a table at McDonald’s. “Today, we, the elderly men of the United States, promise to get up very early in the…Read more...
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on (#669GV)
NEW YORK—Expressing skepticism about the unproven technology’s potential in the lead-up to the holiday season, Cyber Monday retailers reportedly worried this week that Americans were simply not ready to buy goods over the World Wide Web. “While there may be a few fringe dedicated Netizens interested in online…Read more...
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on (#669GX)
Online sales for Black Friday set a new record of $9.2 billion, up 2.3% year over year, with many shoppers using flexible payment plans as the nation continues to grapple with high prices and inflation. What do you think?Read more...
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