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on (#65Z9P)
MENLO PARK, CA—Amid grim reports that several engineers working in the virtual reality server room had been violently dismembered, Facebook’s headquarters were on lockdown Friday after Mark Zuckerberg’s avatar reportedly broke out of the metaverse. “At approximately 8:02 a.m., a security breach was detected in our…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 20:30 |
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on (#65YSM)
NORILSK, RUSSIA—In response to complaints of skyrocketing ticket prices caused by excessive fees, live-entertainment monolith Ticketmaster has opened a new workhouse where Taylor Swift fans can labor to earn tickets for her forthcoming Eras Tour, sources within the music industry confirmed Friday. “Whenever I feel…Read more...
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on (#65YFP)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 11 games.Read more...
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on (#65Y37)
With prices for digital currencies plummeting, The Onion provides helpful advice on what to say to someone who lost all of their money in the crypto crash.Read more...
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on (#65Y0K)
Expectations of a significant Republican Party takeover of both chambers of Congress failed to materialize, as Democrats retained control of the Senate and GOP gains were lower than expected in the House. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to ask why the midterms “red wave” didn’t come to fruition.Read more...
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on (#65Y0N)
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Amazed and aroused by how majestic and sexy the planet appeared from his spacecraft’s window, U.S. astronaut Alex Freedman was reportedly stunned Thursday by just how fuckable Earth looked from a thousand miles above. “Oh my God, it’s so big and blue and gorgeous, I just want to take it in my hands and……Read more...
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on (#65XYQ)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to earn a little extra cash ahead of the holiday season, Vice President Kamala Harris told reporters Thursday she had picked up a seasonal job at a D.C.-area Macy’s. “Technically, I don’t think I’m supposed to have a second job outside of the vice presidency, but it’s not like they’re missing…Read more...
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on (#65XYR)
An undisclosed buyer paid more than $218,000 for the well-worn pair of brown suede, two-strap Birkenstock sandals that Jobs wore in the ’70s and ’80s—the highest price ever paid for a pair of sandals at auction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65XYS)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the boy was falling short of the standard benchmarks of childhood development, a concerned pediatrician reportedly explained to local parents Bill and Susan Tigart on Thursday that their 8-year-old son, Sam, should have been radicalized online by now. “Usually by this stage, we expect…Read more...
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on (#65XYT)
PORTLAND, ME—Saying they had been making the mornings a little cooler lately, Jewish neighbors Peter Schwartz and Ben Levy reportedly made strained small talk Thursday morning about controlling the weather. “Boy, we’re really making it feel more and more like winter lately, huh?” Schwartz said upon catching sight of…Read more...
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on (#65XD3)
According to the United Nations, the world’s population was projected to reach 8 billion yesterday—a mere 11 years since it passed 7 billion, and less than a century after the planet supported just 2 billion people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65WPQ)
In a post-Roe world, speaking publicly about your abortion can have major legal ramifications. Here are the things you should never post on social media if you’ve terminated a pregnancy.Read more...
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on (#65WPR)
The practically overnight collapse of cryptocurrency exchange FTX has set off a host of questions about its founder, Sam Bankman-Fried, and the future of cryptocurrency, which can all be very confusing to people who aren’t that smart. The Onion translates what happened at FTX into answers that even our dumbest readers…Read more...
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on (#65WMF)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Stating that the component would be available in the app’s next software update, Alphabet announced Wednesday the release of a new sponsored Google Maps feature that directs every driver to Denny’s. “No matter what destination the user types in, this new promotional tool will automatically reroute…Read more...
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on (#65WMH)
Security officers at a South Florida airport reported finding a handgun hidden inside a raw chicken packed in a traveler’s luggage on a flight heading out of the United States. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65WZZ)
PEORIA, AZ—Questioning the show’s production decisions following its first two episodes, viewers on Wednesday slammed HBO’s Hard Knocks In Season: The Arizona Cardinals for its unnecessary incest scenes. “I get that it’s HBO and they like to make things edgy, but all this incest seems totally gratuitous,” said viewer…Read more...
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on (#65X00)
NORTH BRANCH, MI—Creating a global panic that sent financial markets into a tailspin, the nation’s economy collapsed Wednesday after local 10-year-old Bryson Jeakle reportedly spent the entire gross domestic product of the United States on Fortnite skins. “While we are still learning the full details of this massive…Read more...
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on (#65VZY)
PALM BEACH, FL—Shaking her head in anger and disbelief as she scanned the invoice, Tiffany Trump reportedly received a bill from the Mar-a-Lago Club Tuesday charging her the full venue price for her wedding. “$95,000 for catering? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the 29-year-old Trump, who noted that the wedding cake…Read more...
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on (#65VZZ)
NEW YORK—Bemoaning the inconvenience the traffic accident victims had created for the landmark moment in history, sources confirmed Tuesday that an annoying bus crash had momentarily ruined the 8 billion human population milestone. “Oh for Christ’s sake, do these people care at all about how long humanity has…Read more...
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on (#65VYS)
Country singer and songwriter Dolly Parton has been awarded a $100 million Courage and Civility award by Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his partner, Lauren Sanchez, with the money to be directed toward charities of Parton’s choosing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65VYV)
SAN FRANCISCO—As part of his initiative to streamline the back end of the platform, Elon Musk reportedly demanded Tuesday that the remaining Twitter servers explain to him in detail what all the wires were for. “These ones here—what do they do, exactly?” the company’s new owner and CEO said during a visit to Twitter’s…Read more...
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on (#65VPW)
THE HEAVENS—After new evidence came to light revealing the true origins of heaven and earth, the Almighty God faced widespread criticism Tuesday for stealing credit for the universe from a Black Creator. “As it turns out, the being long credited as the divine architect of the universe merely registered the patent for…Read more...
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on (#65VE4)
Here are the most genius things that Elon Musk told his employees during his first official all-hands meeting as “chief twit.”Read more...
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on (#65VAN)
Fox News host Jesse Watters is claiming that Democrats are working to keep women single, pointing out that 68% of unmarried women voted blue in the recent election cycle, and that once women “settle down and fall in love,” they will vote Republican. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65V9J)
BAKERSFIELD, CA—Reminiscing about the halcyon days when obsessing over someone and painstakingly following her every move was a genuine craft, old-fashioned stalker Marty Chatham told reporters Tuesday he thought technology had made hunting women far too easy. “Maybe I’m just getting old, but there’s something so lazy…Read more...
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on (#65V9K)
LOS ANGELES—Pledging to never again lose focus on their most important constituents, the Democratic National Committee reportedly vowed Tuesday to make a better effort to reach out to the Hollywood elite. “What these elections have told us loud and clear is that Democrats must get back to our roots as the party of…Read more...
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on (#65TP5)
The Democrats will retain their control of the Senate after incumbent Nevada Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto won a tight reelection race, defying polling expectations and giving Democrats the best overall midterm performance for a sitting party in 20 years. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65TN2)
LOS ANGELES—Getting nostalgic as he reminisced about his youth and the events that informed his most autobiographical film to date, Steven Spielberg fondly recalled Monday how his Jewish upbringing inspired him to make Jurassic Park. “Though lightly fictionalized, that movie was really an exploration of my childhood,…Read more...
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on (#65TG6)
SEATTLE—Touting the new offering as essential viewing for the nation’s dedicated basketball fans, Amazon Prime announced Friday that it had acquired exclusive broadcasting rights to the NBA’s showers. “We are excited to partner with the NBA to give Amazon Prime members access to live streams of every single locker…Read more...
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on (#65TAK)
After winning the Florida gubernatorial race by a whopping 19 points, many believe Ron DeSantis should receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president in 2024. The Onion asked voters why DeSantis should run, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#65TAN)
STEUBENVILLE, OH—In an effort to achieve a fair resolution to the couple’s divorce, Jefferson County Judge Thomas Atcherson decided on a custody agreement this week that designated Wednesdays for local boy Tyler Cardell to wander around entirely on his own. “Tyler will stay with his mother Sunday through Tuesday,…Read more...
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on (#65T5R)
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Attempting to reassure himself that the home was probably up in flames right at this very moment, local arsonist Quincy Hooper reportedly expressed concern Monday that he had forgotten to turn the stove on before leaving the house. “Not to be neurotic, but I did leave all four burners on, right?” said…Read more...
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on (#65T03)
A recent study found that most participants given $10,000 reported being happier on a daily basis during the three months they had to spend it than those who did not receive the funds, while those with household incomes over $123,000 reported no noticeable difference. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65QXD)
Renewable energy is on the rise as it becomes cheaper to produce the necessary tools and systems for transitioning the planet to a greener future. The Onion presents a glossary to common terms in the renewable energy space.
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on (#65QXE)
NASSAU, THE BAHAMAS—In the wake of the cryptocurrency exchange he founded filing for bankruptcy amid accusations of mismanaging funds, the last hopes of embattled former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried were reportedly extinguished Friday when several eyewitnesses observed him sobbing after accidentally dropping his last…Read more...
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on (#65QVK)
KFC issued an apology after sending a notification to German customers encouraging them to commemorate Germany’s 1938 anti-Jewish pogrom with fried chicken and cheese, blaming “an error in [their] system.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65QQ7)
NEW YORK—In light of FTX Trading Limited’s announcement of bankruptcy amidst accusations of mishandling funds, crypto confidence reportedly soared Friday after investors realized that CEO Sam Bankman-Fried defrauded customers just like a real bank. “I actually feel a lot more comfortable investing my hard-earned money…Read more...
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on (#65QQ8)
ATLANTA—Struggling to cope with his shock at the outcome of the midterm elections, Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA) reportedly lost all faith in God this week after being forced into a runoff against Herschel Walker. “What loving creator would create a world where I’m required to compete in not one, but two elections …Read more...
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on (#65QPT)
WASHINGTON—As part of an effort to wean the nation off its uneconomical primary fuel source, the White House pledge Friday to reduce U.S. reliance on energy siphoned from unconscious Americans living in a simulation. “By 2050, the United States will switch to more sustainable and efficient power sources, no longer…Read more...
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on (#65Q99)
SAN DIEGO—Gasping as they noticed their son and daughter pointing and screaming at the San Diego Zoo’s primate exhibit, local parents Janet and Chris Stenton reportedly shielded their children’s eyes Friday from a group of gorillas carrying out a public execution. “Oh shoot, honey, don’t let the kids watch—it looks…Read more...
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on (#65Q7C)
WASHINGTON—In a new study that leading economists have called a sobering assessment of social mobility in the United States, researchers at the Brookings Institution have determined the majority of the nation’s residents end up dying within the same commercial trash compactor they were born into. “Our data show that…Read more...
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