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on (#63WF3)
BOSTON—Touting the offering as a path to even bigger winnings from daily fantasy football picks, sports gambling app DraftKings unveiled a new premium feature Wednesday that lets users select players who will have their legs broken by goons. “Gain an edge over the competition by picking a starting running back for our…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:00 |
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on (#63WF4)
WASHINGTON—Expressing fondness for the kindly centenarian, Secretary of the Army Christine Wormuth announced Wednesday that 104-year-old Harold Deacon, who never served in the military, would be awarded the World War II Victory Medal just because it seemed like the nice thing to do. “Though he was not drafted and…Read more...
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on (#63WF5)
WASHINGTON—Assuring the nation that he would get around to it as soon as possible, U.S. Landlord General Todd Sloboda told the nation Tuesday that he planned to fix the constant flooding sometime in the next few months. “Yeah, sorry about all the flooding—it’s definitely on my radar, and I told my guy about it,”…Read more...
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on (#63WF6)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Researchers from the University of Oxford published the results of a new study Tuesday that found falling to your knees and screaming toward the sky remained the best way of forsaking one’s god. “According to our study, we found that subjects who shouted ‘Damn you!’ with their faces directed upward…Read more...
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on (#63VW9)
Hurricane Fiona, a Category 1 storm which made landfall Sunday and also caused widespread flash flooding and mudslides, has plunged almost all of the island of Puerto Rico into a blackout, with around 3 million people left with no power and many without water. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63VR1)
OVERLAND PARK, KS—Explaining the sound rationale behind his decision not to read in public or wear purple-colored shirts for the past quarter century of his life, local 38-year-old Lee Coffey confirmed Tuesday he was still careful not to say anything his former middle school bully would disapprove of. “I always say…Read more...
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on (#63VR2)
WASHINGTON—Wondering if anyone had even looked at his voting record, Rep. David Hoffman (R-NC), a far-right member of Congress, reportedly wondered Tuesday what he had to do to get the media to stop calling him a moderate. “No matter how much hateful and extremist rhetoric I use, the media refuses to stop calling me a…Read more...
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on (#63VN5)
BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND—Troubled by the immense pleasure it derived from the flesh of such a polarizing figure, a local worm told reporters Tuesday that it felt conflicted about feasting on a monarch who symbolized so much oppression. “Granted, I’m not literally supporting her by burrowing into her decaying body and…Read more...
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on (#63V3N)
SAN ANTONIO, TX—Remarking that nothing made her feel more alive than walking out of a store with unpaid items, shoplifter Jessica Thatcher told reporters Tuesday that she always got a little adrenaline rush after stealing basic necessities for her family. “I don’t know what it is, but nothing gets my heart pounding…Read more...
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on (#63V1S)
In response to mounting complaints about noise, disorderly conduct, parking, and a lack of housing, many cities are considering implementing regulations on short-term rentals. The Onion asked Airbnb owners what they thought about that, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#63V1T)
A new Pew Research Center study has found that Christians will make up less than half of the U.S. population by 2070, as Americans raised Christian continue to disaffiliate from their religion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63TBY)
The Regensburger Domspatzen, a German choir founded in the year 975 for boys and young men, is now accepting girls into its music school for the first time, though they will perform in a separate choir. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63T49)
LONDON—Deciding to give it just a few more minutes, the Very Rev. Dr. David Hoyle, dean of Westminster, reportedly delayed Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral Monday to see if even one person would show up. “It’s a shame with a lot of these older folks, virtually forgotten by their families, and all of their friends are…Read more...
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on (#63T4A)
The 2022 midterms are fast approaching, and a range of pressing issues will determine whether Americans will reelect a Democratic Congress or hand congressional control to Republicans. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to find out which issues will be dragging Americans to the polls in November.Read more...
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on (#63T3C)
NEW YORK—Reflecting on the whimsical, capricious nature of existence, a Metropolitan Transportation Authority announcement advised commuters waiting on a subway platform Friday morning that their train had been delayed 25 minutes due to the beautiful randomness of life. “They’re funny, aren’t they, the fickle ways of…Read more...
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on (#63SYE)
Queen Elizabeth II, who died this month at the age of 96, had very deep silk pockets. The Onion examines the matriarch’s will and who in the British royal family shall inherit all of her expensive shit.Read more...
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on (#63STT)
Narrowly avoiding a strike, White House officials negotiated a tentative deal with railway unions that would allow workers to take off unpaid time for medical appointments without penalty. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63SSH)
SVALBARD, NORWAY—Explaining it “totally got the appeal, catastrophic environmental consequences aside,” a dying 8-year-old polar bear reportedly admitted Monday that owning a private jet would be fucking sick. “Aw, man, I have to be honest, I would trade all the glaciers in the world to show up to Vegas in one of…Read more...
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on (#63QK2)
LONDON—Paying solemn respects to their long-serving monarch, thousands of Brits reportedly lined up Friday to take turns mourning Queen Elizabeth II atop her bucking casket. “As is customary, the queen will lie in state for four days, allowing the public a personal, one-on-one moment to bid farewell, for as long as…Read more...
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on (#63QD4)
Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard has given away the company, worth $3 billion, to a nonprofit and trust that will use all future profits to fight climate change, stating, “We’re making Earth our only shareholder.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63Q4Y)
GREEN BAY, WI—Downplaying his team’s 23-7 week-one loss to the Minnesota Vikings, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday the rough start to the season was just part of the normal ups and downs of a massive global conspiracy. “Look, things didn’t break our way last Sunday, but that’s the…Read more...
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on (#63Q2A)
Throughout her 70-year rule, Queen Elizabeth II presided over countless scandals involving Parliament, the Crown, and, most notably, her own family. Here are the biggest controversies that occurred under the late queen’s reign.Read more...
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on (#63PVQ)
CONCORD, NH—Concluding that more drinks must equal more fun, local blackout drunk man Kyle Baits told his fellow patrons at Tandy’s Pub on Friday that consuming more alcohol could only make him feel even better. “It stands to reason that if alcohol has made me feel this good already, then continuing to drink should…Read more...
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on (#63PTF)
A man in southwest Australia was killed by a wild kangaroo he kept as a pet, making it the first fatal kangaroo attack in the country since 1936. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63PSK)
BROOMFIELD, CO— Calling the product the perfect addition to their line-up of soy, almond, and cashew milks, Silk introduces a new milk alternative Friday made from blended and strained cattle. “Unlike normal milk, ours is lactose-free—no dairy, all cow,” said Shane Grant, CEO of Danone North America, who stated that…Read more...
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on (#63PEB)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Declaring a play stoppage and hurrying over to the booth, a group of NFL referees reportedly called for a replay Thursday night to admire a great call. “Oh man, you guys gotta see this—that pass interference call was so perfect,” said head referee referee John Hussey, who high-fived and congratulated…Read more...
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on (#63P8G)
WOLLERAU, SWITZERLAND—Announcing his retirement after a decorated career as one of his generation’s best players, Roger Federer told reporters Thursday he just hopes his career inspired little white boys to see themselves playing tennis. “Sure, the Grand Slam titles and millions in prize money are great, but the real…Read more...
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on (#63P6E)
Senator Lindsey Graham introduced a bill that would ban abortion nationwide after only 15 weeks, a politically risky strategy that’s dividing Republicans as backlash grows over the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63P4E)
HOUSTON—Explaining that he was both shocked and offended by how vast the price difference ultimately was, local Black resident Terrence Russell told reporters Thursday that he’d received a higher appraisal on his home after displaying pictures of Klan members. “It’s unfortunate, but the value of my home skyrocketed…Read more...
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on (#63P1H)
LONDON—Ranging in age from as old as 97 to as young as 16, the queen’s casket was reportedly visited Thursday by thousands of ex-lovers she took after the death of her husband Prince Philip. “I could never hold her down—I always wanted to, but I never could,” said 42-year-old software engineer Bryan Sweney, who…Read more...
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on (#63NTW)
HOUSTON—Gathering to mourn the loss of their family patriarch, Ken Starr’s relatives reportedly found a note near his deceased body Thursday ordering them to frame Monica Lewinsky for his death. “Beloved Alice, children, in the event of my death, please immediately transfer all blame and suspicion to you-know-who,”…Read more...
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on (#63NS0)
Do you ever wonder how to overcompensate for your lack of intellectual depth or interesting personality by getting the beautifully toned body of our hottest celebrities? The Onion sat down with the most fit celebrities around to get the lowdown on their workout regimens.Read more...
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on (#63ND2)
INDIAN OCEAN—Stressing that the seafaring officer often failed to consider the full gamut of countermeasures, sources aboard the HMS Alcott confirmed Thursday that first mate Langston Bridges’ solution to everything seemed to be battening down the hatches. “With all due respect to the first mate, half of our crew is…Read more...
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on (#63ND3)
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Complaining about the most annoying aspects of his job, local police officer Eliott Ringer told reporters Thursday that he was getting tired of driving Charleston church shooter and current death-row inmate Dylann Roof to Burger King for lunch every day. “I wish this dude would vary things up a bit,…Read more...
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on (#63M4M)
SWARTHMORE, PA—Hinting that she would greatly benefit from some one-on-one manipulation, local English literature professor Darren Emerson reportedly invited one of his students over to his house Wednesday for a private ethics violation. “You’re one of my top students, and as such, I’d love to have you over so we can…Read more...
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on (#63M3D)
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that she exhibited no other signs of illness that would indicate a psychotic break, mental health experts told reporters Wednesday they were baffled by local Iowa woman Terri Francis, who last week posted a thank-you message to Queen Elizabeth II on social media. “After studying Terri’s brain…Read more...
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on (#63M2G)
The United States recorded its one millionth organ transplant, a historic milestone for the medical procedure that has saved thousands of lives since the first successful transplant in 1954. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63KH1)
Princeton University announced that starting next year it will offer full rides to undergraduates from families earning less than $100,000 a year, with the move expected to include 150,000 students. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63JQN)
“Oh, it’s because I’m a fucking loser.”Read more...
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on (#63JQP)
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un claimed his country will never abandon the nuclear weapons it needs to counter the United States, which he accused of pushing to weaken the North’s defenses and eventually collapse his government. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63J0W)
King Charles III has, at the age of 73, become monarch after the death of his mother Queen Elizabeth II, making him the oldest person to ever assume the British throne. What do you think?Read more...
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