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on (#67156)
WASHINGTON—Turning from side to side in front of the mirror and slapping his belly, President Joe Biden was reportedly sobbing Tuesday, stating, “They hate me—they hate me because I’m fat,” after viewing his latest polling numbers. “No wonder my approval rating is so low, it’s because I look like a big fat hog!” said…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 15:15 |
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on (#6713Q)
Berlin’s AquaDom, the largest freestanding cylindrical aquarium in the world, burst last week, sending a wave of 264,000 gallons of water, glass, and tropical fish pouring into the center of the German capital. What do you think?
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on (#6702C)
LUSAIL, QATAR—In a ceremony honoring the top on-field performances in the 2022 World Cup, Brazilian forward Neymar received the Golden Tears award Monday for the most faked injuries. “The Golden Tears award is given to the player who best exemplifies the principles of falling to the ground at the slightest contact,…Read more...
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on (#6702B)
Former President Donald Trump is being mocked over his “major announcement” that he’s selling $99 limited-edition digital trading cards featuring himself depicted as a superhero and astronaut among other characters. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66XVR)
The Senate has unanimously approved legislation that would ban the use of TikTok on government phones and devices as part of the push to combat security concerns related to the Chinese-owned social media company. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66XBJ)
SAN FRANCISCO—Hissing at his remaining employees to close the blinds and stay out of sight, Elon Musk reportedly hid in a darkened office at Twitter headquarters Friday as his landlord banged on the door demanding that he pay rent. “Oh, shit—everybody get down and shut up,” said Musk, who according to sources turned…Read more...
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on (#66XBK)
Scientists at the National Ignition Facility in Livermore, CA announced Tuesday the first-ever successful nuclear fusion reaction that resulted in a net energy gain, an achievement with the potential to reshape energy production. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the nuclear fusion breakthrough.
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on (#66XBM)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the teenager his pride and joy to the gathering of supporters, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) reportedly introduced his new son Barron Trump at a Friday rally. “That’s my boy, everyone—give the crowd a big smile, Barron,” said DeSantis to the largely silent crowd of his constituents,…Read more...
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on (#66X9Y)
Elon Musk is no longer the world’s richest man after a sharp drop in the value of his shares in electric car company Tesla this year, losing the top spot to France’s Bernard Arnault, the chief executive of LVMH, the luxury group that owns brands like Louis Vuitton. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66X8E)
BOSTON—Emphasizing that it was not just vulgar, but also a serious food safety hazard, representatives from America’s Test Kitchen Thursday begged middle-aged women to stop sending them panties. “While we appreciate everyone’s clear enthusiasm for the show, we cannot have our audience members routinely taking off…Read more...
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on (#66WN8)
Scientists have successfully produced a nuclear fusion reaction resulting in a net energy gain, a major breakthrough in a decades-long quest to unleash an infinite source of clean energy that could help end dependence on fossil fuels. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66WME)
SEATTLE—As part of the organization’s mission to address the most pressing issues on the world’s poorest continent, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation unveiled Friday an initiative to give starving Africans fat suits. “We’ve witnessed with great sadness how 300 million Africans suffer from chronic hunger, but our…Read more...
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on (#66WHV)
COLUMBUS, GA—Drawing a blank just seconds after landing on the trunk of the Douglas fir, local domestic shorthair Butterscotch confirmed Thursday that clinging to the side of the Christmas tree was the extent of his plan. “Okay, so I’ve jumped halfway up the trunk of the tree and dug my nails into the bark, but now…Read more...
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on (#66W3P)
On Tuesday, the SEC charged Sam Bankman-Fried with several counts of fraud and conspiracy related to the collapse of his cryptocurrency exchange, FTX, and opinion is divided as to the potential consequences. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will happen to Sam Bankman-Fried.Read more...
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on (#66VZE)
Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#66VZF)
Dictionary.com has named “woman” its 2022 word of the year, calling the word “inseparable from the story of 2022” after abortion rights and ongoing cultural conversations around gender, identity, and language dominated discussion this year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66VYW)
MISSOULA, MT—In a display presenting a rich, detailed portrait of their family histories and ancestral lineages, website GeneologyMe.com shows its users a chart of which dead people busted loads inside which other dead people, sources confirmed Thursday. “It turns out I hail from a long line of Irish people who,…Read more...
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on (#66V3V)
Avatar: The Way Of Water—the sequel to 2009’s Avatar, the highest-grossing film of all time—debuts in U.S. theaters on Thursday. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Avatar: The Way Of Water.
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on (#66TRW)
When working in an office setting, it’s important to leave your genitals at the door. Here are the biggest reasons not to sleep with a coworker.Read more...
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on (#66SFQ)
WASHINGTON—Hoping to move forward and find common ground upon which the unified will of its people might gain a foothold, the United States, a nation that cannot agree on a uniform set of rules for Uno, is currently attempting to reach an ideological and political consensus, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We, a people…Read more...
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on (#66RVJ)
“Wordle” was the most-searched term on Google in 2022, both in the United States and globally, beating out “Ukraine” and “Queen Elizabeth.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66RC4)
The new hit Netflix documentary series Harry & Meghan follows the ups and downs of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s whirlwind courtship, relationship, and now marriage. Here are the biggest revelations from the series so far.Read more...
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on (#66RA7)
THE HEAVENS—Describing the sensation as the most pleasurable experience in the universe, God Almighty, Our Lord and Savior, revealed Monday that He specifically designed the mouths of frogs to feel awesome on a human penis. “When I, the Heavenly Father, created frogs nearly 6,000 years ago, I did so because I wanted…Read more...
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on (#66RA6)
PENSACOLA, FL—Saying he gave it his all but simply came up short, lifeguard Brett Canberra reportedly had to admit Monday that the riptide just wanted it more. “Look, at the end of the day, I left it all out there in the ocean, but the riptide was hungrier, and you can clearly see the result,” said Canberra, praising…Read more...
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on (#66R75)
WATERBURY, CT—As he attempted to mind his business and go about his day as the only African American person in his office, sources reported Wednesday that Black coworker Kevin Wright probably wanted someone to bring up Negro League baseball to him out of nowhere. “I’m sure Kevin wants me to interrupt whatever work…Read more...
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on (#66R76)
Elon Musk’s brain-implant company Neuralink is reportedly under federal investigation related to accusations from employees that pressure from the CEO to produce results led to barbaric and botched surgeries on monkeys, sheep, and pigs involved in scientific tests. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66PCX)
Truth be told, I’ve never really felt like I fit the mold of the Democratic Party. As a proud senator of Arizona, I’ve always voted for what I think is right, whether my high-powered colleagues agree with me or not. That’s why, today, I—Kyrsten Sinema—am proud to announce that I have made the decision to leave the…Read more...
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on (#66PAS)
NEW YORK—Saying the hosts’ personal lives had become a distraction that threatened the program’s journalistic integrity, ABC News president Kimberly Godwin announced Friday that all Good Morning America anchors had been castrated. “At GMA, genitals aren’t what’s important—what’s important is reporting the news,” said…Read more...
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on (#66P8K)
WASHINGTON—In response to the Gen Z congressman-elect’s tweet that his apartment application was turned down due to bad credit, D.C. landlord Ray Forster reportedly clarified Friday that he actually rejected Maxwell Frost because he’s Black. “Bad credit had nothing to do with it—you can work something out with someone…Read more...
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on (#66P8M)
The rise of AI-generated art, writing, and other content using platforms like Lensa, DALL-E, and ChatGPT has led to debates about ethics, fair use, and potential unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of content generated by artificially intelligent apps.Read more...
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on (#66NS3)
German authorities arrested 25 suspected members of Reichsbürger, an extremist organization influenced by QAnon conspiracy theories that espouses a doctrine similar to that of far-right groups in the U.S, in an alleged plot to overthrow the government. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66NPT)
WASHINGTON—Signaling investors that the U.S. economy would be running hot for the foreseeable future, the Federal Reserve reportedly caused the market to rally Friday after releasing a long list of all the fun stuff money can buy. “Speedboats, video games, ice cream with sprinkles, Rolex watches, Blu-ray box…Read more...
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