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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 20:30 |
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on (#64KF9)
While the 1% may think they made their own fortunes, it’s more than likely that they had wealthy parents. Here are the so-called “self-made” billionaires who actually grew up privileged.Read more...
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on (#64KDP)
WASHINGTON—Alleging their businesses had endured longstanding exploitation by the Black community, a coalition of the nation’s top commercial brands came together Tuesday to criticize African Americans for appropriating the dialect used in marketing campaigns to target young consumers. “When Black people use terms…Read more...
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on (#64KD0)
NEW YORK—Carefully scrawling his name onto the red plastic surface with a Sharpie, local billionaire Mark Zuckerberg reportedly labeled his solo cup of adrenochrome Tuesday so he wouldn’t forget which one was his. “Okay, I’ll write ‘Mark Z,’ so nobody confuses me with Cuban,” said Zuckerberg, who momentarily placed…Read more...
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on (#64JTS)
Anna Sorokin, who pretended to be a German heiress to scam her way into a posh New York lifestyle, has been released from jail, remaining under house arrest in her Manhattan apartment while she awaits deportation hearings. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64J8S)
EVANSTON, IL—Finding it impressive that a young and largely inexperienced writer could create such professional work, journalism professors at Northwestern University reportedly praised a promising student Monday for his proficiency in parroting corporate talking points. “Incredible! Martin is watering down the facts…Read more...
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on (#64FKF)
INDIANAPOLIS—Discussing how best to discipline the species, local ecologists reportedly expressed disappointment Friday after finding a pack of cigarettes that monarch butterflies had hidden in their habitat. “All the work we do to keep you healthy and alive, and you’re going to throw it all away for what—to look cool…Read more...
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on (#64FJ8)
WASHINGTON—Exposing the harsh reality of many young competitors’ dreams, Gallup released a new study Friday that found fewer than 2% of all college athletes go on to open a steakhouse named after themselves. “Despite the fact that many student athletes enter the NCAA with the explicit goal of one day opening a…Read more...
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on (#64F5G)
WASHINGTON—In response to the disappointing box office numbers for the LGBTQ rom-com Bros, President Joe Biden was left with no choice Thursday but to ban gay marriage, White House officials confirmed. “This feature film written by and starring Billy Eichner experienced a dismal opening weekend, and so I have been…Read more...
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on (#64F2Z)
The Florida High School Athletic Association has introduced an online form run by a third-party software company that asks female athletes various questions about their menstrual cycles, sparking concerns over privacy in a post-Roe v. Wade world. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64F0B)
NEW YORK—With the end of the MLB regular season leaving the slugger at 62 home runs, the seventh-most ever in a single year, New York Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge told reporters Thursday that he wished he’d just used performance-enhancing drugs and hit 80 home runs. “Hitting 62 without steroids is pretty sweet and…Read more...
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on (#64F0C)
LOS ANGELES—Following reports of an officer killed by his colleagues in a recent training exercise, the Los Angeles Police Department announced Thursday that it would pause all misconduct investigations out of respect for the deceased officer. “At this time, it would be inappropriate for us to continue looking into…Read more...
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on (#64EX8)
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Locating her place card at a wedding reception last weekend, area single woman Hattie Roberts, 32, reportedly found herself seated at the dessert table. “Oh, hey, nice—looks like they decided to stick me at the fun table,” said the dateless Roberts, who, after glancing across the room toward tables…Read more...
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on (#64EWN)
WASHINGTON—The lack of funding for public education continues to have consequences on schools nationwide, as budget cuts are reportedly forcing more teachers to also act as class pets. “In more and more classrooms around the country, the systematic defunding of basic classroom supplies has given educators no other…Read more...
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on (#64ECN)
COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that he was supposed to conceal some type of damning evidence but could not for the life of him remember what, local police officer Frank Herlihy told reporters Thursday he had a weird feeling he forgot to cover something up. “I don’t know exactly what, but there’s something in my gut that’s…Read more...
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on (#64ECP)
With an increased focus on the health risks involved in football, The Onion asked NFL players how they felt about the league’s concussion protocol.Read more...
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on (#64DPB)
PAW PAW, WV—Claiming the rodent meat was plumb key for fillin’ you up, backwoods dietitians recommended squirrel Wednesday as an essential part of good eatin’. “Accordin’ to what I had done seen, if you wantin’ something dang tasty, it’s absolutely needful that you get you a dagum squirrel,” said self-taught dietitian…Read more...
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on (#64D84)
SEEKONK, MA—After groggily waking up and looking down at their unfamiliar clothes, local identical twins Graham and Greg Lindwood were said to be largely unconcerned Wednesday after having their bodies swapped by a lightning strike. “Wait…but if I’m you…and you’re me…then, oh my God—actually, I guess it’s not really a…Read more...
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on (#64D85)
Committees in Norway and Sweden are awarding the Nobel Prizes this week to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2022 Nobel Prize winners.
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on (#64D21)
WASHINGTON—Explaining that all victims of Hurricane Ian must meet the necessary requirements in order to receive aid, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced Wednesday that individuals at risk of dying in floods would be required to pass a drug test before qualifying for rescue. “We at FEMA have a…Read more...
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on (#64C52)
BURBANK, CA—As he rose from his chair to address everyone present on the soundstage, sources reported Tuesday that a Hollywood director had called for quiet on the set so he could begin verbally harassing the cast and crew. “It’s essential that we run a professional set where everyone is in their places and remains…Read more...
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on (#64BZD)
SEATTLE—Billing the series as a feel-good program about enriching local communities, HGTV debuted a new show this week in which the hosts, a couple with a flair for home remodeling, assist unhoused people in the Seattle area by building them a kitchen island. “On each episode, we’ll find a family in desperate need of…Read more...
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on (#64BVA)
HOBOKEN, NJ—Admitting that he was starting to have cold feet when thinking about his upcoming nuptials, groom-to-be Jerod Rieffer told reporters Tuesday that he was having second thoughts about spending the rest of his life cheating on the same person. “I’m not sure I’m ready to go home to the same woman every night…Read more...
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on (#64BA1)
Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz and Florida Sen. Rick Scott voted against a resolution that would allow FEMA to use up to $15 million in the Disaster Relief Fund and provide financial assistance to Hurricane Ian victims in their state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64AV1)
Rapper Megan Thee Stallion has launched a mental health resources website called Bad Bitches Have Bad Days Too that includes links to organizations, numbers for helplines, and ways fans can find nearby therapists. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64868)
ATLANTA—In an effort to provide a more expansive insight on current events, CNN Newsroom reportedly brought on Chief Nihilist Correspondent Jean-Pierre Gauthier Friday to give greater perspective on why none of this matters. “Thanks Ana—the real takeaway here is that there is no inherent purpose in the universe and…Read more...
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on (#647XV)
McDonald’s has announced it will be offering a new boxed meal for adults that will include a Big Mac or 10-piece McNuggets, drink, fries, and a collectible McDonald’s character figurine made in partnership with the streetwear brand, Cactus Plant Flea Market. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#647WW)
SUMRALL, MS—In an effort to address the backlash against his alleged participation in a massive scheme to misuse state funding, former NFL star Brett Favre on Friday was reportedly making amends by sending every Mississippian on welfare a photo of his penis. “I am sorry for what I’ve done and letting the most…Read more...
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on (#647WX)
WASHINGTON—In an address to the nation in which he warned that preparations for the upcoming holiday must begin at once, President Joe Biden on Friday urged Americans to decide now what they were going to be for Halloween. “It is vital that we start making our way to a Spirit Halloween store or browsing online…Read more...
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on (#647WY)
Despite achieving fame as one of the biggest pop stars in the world, Harry Styles has faced backlash and criticism for a number of controversies. The Onion investigates all the times Harry Styles fucked up.Read more...
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on (#647WZ)
BAYONNE, NJ—As he counted aloud his 30 chest compressions and puffed out his cheeks to blow big breaths into the corpse’s mouth, sources confirmed Friday that area paramedic Paul Mohr was putting on a whole show for the family watching him perform CPR on their dead relative. “No! Stay with me,” said Mohr, reportedly…Read more...
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on (#6478T)
Although the presidential election isn’t for another two years, it’s never too early to drive ourselves completely insane by speculating on the nominees. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on who will top the Democratic Party ticket in 2024.
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on (#6476Q)
The CIA launched its own podcast, “The Langley Files,” with the agency saying it wants to step out from the shadows to “demystify” its spy work and boost recruitment. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6475P)
WASHINGTON—Interrupting his remarks Wednesday at the White House Conference on Hunger, Nutrition, and Health, President Joe Biden reportedly called on any spirits of dead lawmakers present to make themselves known after the late Rep. Jackie Walorski didn’t answer him. “Please, any senators or representatives who…Read more...
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on (#6473H)
PROVIDENCE, RI—Saying the new strategy had drastically reduced worker turnover, local consultancy firm Brandwater Solutions reported Thursday that it had achieved a 100% retention rate simply by barricading employees in the office. “Many told us it couldn’t be done in this job market, but all it took to keep our…Read more...
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on (#6470V)
FORT MYERS, FL—Issuing a reminder that the building’s rules must be followed even in the most catastrophic natural disasters, Florida landlord Rick Palacio told tenants fleeing floods from Hurricane Ian Thursday that their lease did not include rooftop access. “Hello all, I just wanted to once again remind our…Read more...
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on (#646XA)
NEW YORK—As the man recalled in excruciating detail his objectively normal childhood, sources attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting Thursday told reporters they suspected an extraordinarily dull member of being a plant intended to test everyone’s sobriety with his endlessly monotonous stories. “Jesus Christ, he’s…Read more...
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on (#646D9)
A genetically modified version of the herpes virus that causes cold sores has shown promise in killing off cancer cells in early stage clinical trials, with one patient experiencing a complete remission of 15 months so far. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#645VK)
NASA’s DART mission has successfully slammed a spacecraft into the asteroid Dimorphos, in a kinetic impact test to redirect the space rock, which may be needed if an asteroid is ever on track to hit Earth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#645EK)
Former NFL star Brett Favre is currently under investigation for an alleged multimillion-dollar welfare fraud scheme in Mississippi. The Onion looks back at the biggest cases of welfare fraud in U.S. history.Read more...
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on (#645EB)
STONY BROOK, NY—As more Americans contemplate their employment prospects during a time when it’s becoming increasingly difficult to retire, experts stated Wednesday that it’s not too late to change careers at 50, despite the fact that they sure as fuck wouldn’t. “If you’re finding your work increasingly unfulfilling…Read more...
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