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on (#62MXG)
SAN CLEMENTE, CA—In awe of the woman’s resilience, sources confirmed Friday that 23-year-old Maya Franklin had achieved her goal of becoming a professional surfer despite surviving a shark attack as a teenager that resulted in the loss of her head. “No one thought Maya would ever surf again after that shark took her…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 01:45 |
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on (#62KJC)
NEW YORK—In order to help consumers make more informed choices with their money, New York Times product review site Wirecutter unveiled its recommendations Tuesday for the best electric chairs. “As technology has progressed over the past decade, we’ve gotten to the point where there are so many electric chairs on the…Read more...
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on (#62KGG)
SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—When pressed about which of the young athletes on the field they were there to support, every one of the strangers leering at the Little League Baseball World Series game Wednesday reportedly claimed to be a professional scout. “I admit, at first I felt a little uneasy about how intently he was…Read more...
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on (#62J8B)
WASHINGTON—As part of a government effort to improve transparency in the allocation of national revenues, a personalized IRS report that arrived in your mailbox Tuesday confirmed your tax dollars last year went to defense contractor Raytheon as part of an effort to invent an exploding knife. “The percentage of your…Read more...
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on (#62J6F)
CLEVELAND—Sitting stock-still and staring into the middle distance while the hairdresser outlined his sexual inclinations toward assorted famous women, local customer Peter Sargent reportedly listened silently Tuesday as his barber Greg Tarlton listed all the actresses he’d have sex with. “Oh, yeah, that Megan Fox is…Read more...
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on (#62HEW)
CHICO, CA—Acknowledging that he hated the constant badgering while growing up, local man Joseph Porter told reporters Monday that he realized his parents only pushed him so hard to make him insecure for the rest of his life. “At the time, I couldn’t see it, but now I understand that all their pressure was just…Read more...
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on (#62H9R)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that authorities were ignoring the real criminals in favor of a targeted witch hunt against Donald Trump, prominent conservatives questioned Monday why the FBI would spend time raiding Mar-a-Lago when Dick Dastardly remained free. “Why is it that Donald Trump has to live his life being…Read more...
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on (#62H9S)
BALTIMORE—Amid concerns about economic stagnation and rising federal debt, an encouraging report released Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that not protecting children very well saved the United States around $5 trillion over the last decade. “Our data shows that refraining from investments in…Read more...
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on (#62EA0)
WASHINGTON—Calling into question the Defense Department’s tactical readiness, startling evidence released Friday revealed that the Pentagon failed to stop a Pakistani wedding despite prior knowledge that it would occur. “It’s deeply troubling to learn that top Pentagon officials knew in advance that Pakistani couple…Read more...
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on (#62DGK)
WASHINGTON—Following this week’s raid on former President Donald Trump’s Florida property, the FBI reportedly turned over documents retrieved from Mar-A-Lago to a dorky desk agent who loves to read.“Have at it, dweeb, you don’t have any friends so you should be able to get through this in no time,” said special agent…Read more...
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on (#62CZ5)
CHICAGO—In response to outcry among South Side residents, Chicago officials reportedly defended Thursday relocating a polluting factory to a local Black family’s kitchen. “Despite what a few chronic complainers on the radical left say, the decision to relocate Rondell Chemical to the kitchen and dining room of the…Read more...
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on (#62CYW)
MADISON, WI—Noting he wasn’t able to secure a kiss at the end, vomit-covered man Daniel Sedona who shit his pants expressed hope Thursday that he didn’t blow his first date. “We did seem to have such a good connection before I violently soiled myself in front of her at the dinner table, so I’m just praying that it…Read more...
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on (#62B3Z)
PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the property, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly thrilled Monday when the FBI seized classified documents from Mar-a-Lago and left behind dozens of empty boxes for them to play in. “C’mon, Eric, get…Read more...
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on (#62B1W)
Kim Kardashian and comedian Pete Davidson ended their nine-month relationship, reportedly breaking up due to distance and schedules. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62AFF)
“Policy should only be based on empirically sourced Scripture.”Read more...
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on (#62ADT)
NEW YORK—Bemoaning how much time he had squandered on trivial grudges and petty whims, local man Stefan Krawitz, 91, reportedly used his last moments on Earth telling friends and family that he wished he had spent more time going to TheOnion.com. “As I lie here, knowing my end is drawing near, I can’t help but…Read more...
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on (#62A9K)
NEW YORK—In an effort to tamp down on the gun violence epidemic, a new public safety campaign launched Tuesday by Everytown for Gun Safety will attempt to dissuade mass shooters with a reminder that they’re kind of an obvious choice at this point. “Our ‘Been There Done That’ campaign is a way to remind potential…Read more...
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on (#629Q8)
A new study has found that Jarlsberg, a mild Swiss-type cheese made from cow’s milk that’s rich in vitamin K2, may help to prevent bone thinning and stave off osteoporosis. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#629K5)
Full story.Read more...
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on (#629DH)
Georgia has announced that residents can now claim an unborn child as a dependent on state taxes, saying any residents filing their 2022 tax returns who had fetuses with detectable heartbeats at six weeks of pregnancy can claim an exemption of $3,000. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#629B0)
The Covid-19 pandemic shook up office life in ways both good and bad, ushering in a new era of remote and hybrid work that has become increasingly permanent due to employee demands. The Onion spoke to everyday Americans about why they refuse to return to the office, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6296A)
EVERYWHERE—In response to an unfolding situation on Monday, the police did a great job, the police said. “The actions of local law enforcement could not have been better,” local law enforcement reported in a statement, the veracity of which The Onion confirmed with local law enforcement. “Every measure undertaken by…Read more...
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on (#6296B)
LOS ANGELES—Telling reporters that he planned to just savor the new dynamic, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James admitted Monday that he was living vicariously through his son LeBron James Jr. not being a once-in-a-generation talent. “Seeing Bronny out there, I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to be…Read more...
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on (#6296D)
WASHINGTON—In an analysis of data collected from more than 60,000 U.S. households, a new study released by the Pew Research Center on Monday found that fewer millennials were choosing to become good parents. “With an increased focus on their careers, pets, social lives, and travel, many millennials simply don’t find…Read more...
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on (#6296F)
GAINESVILLE, FL—Trying to focus on the positives of his new relationship status, local 31-year-old Ed Sanocki told reporters Monday that he was choosing to see his breakup with girlfriend Amanda MacNeil as an opportunity to beg her to take him back. “A lot of people look at the end of a relationship as a failure, but…Read more...
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on (#6296G)
As more people use credit cards or apps instead of cash for payment, some businesses have gone cashless, and the move toward a cashless society has drawn support as well as criticism. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of transitioning to a cashless society.
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on (#6272F)
DUBUQUE, IA—After a stunning report indicated some 528,000 jobs were added to the U.S. economy during July, the Labor Department confirmed Friday that unemployed local man Chris Gibson must be more of a loser than had been previously believed. “For months, we had assumed Chris was just a normal, out-of-work man who…Read more...
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on (#626Y7)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that sometimes, some things are just too good to pass up, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services declared Friday that you can’t let monkeypox hold you back if you have the chance to get laid. “Monkeypox is dangerous and highly transmissible through sexual intercourse, but when the rare…Read more...
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on (#626KZ)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these…Read more...
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on (#626HE)
The controversial CalExit movement posits that state of California should secede from the United States and become its own sovereign nation. The Onion asked Californians why they supported it, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#625PQ)
TAIPEI—Explaining that the powerful display had left her feeling humbled and honored, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters Thursday she was moved by China’s spectacular show of military force celebrating her visit to Asia. “Wow, I wasn’t sure how the Chinese government felt about this Taiwan trip, but throwing a…Read more...
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on (#6256Z)
“America has a lot of pent-up aggression that needs a healthy outlet, like war.”Read more...
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on (#62528)
Airbnb has apologized and taken down listings of properties that once housed enslaved people in the U.S., days after a TikTok user lambasted an “1830’s slave cabin” rental in Mississippi that was advertised on the platform as a bed-and-breakfast accommodation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62523)
TRENTON, NJ—Acknowledging that a place in a residential zone might have been a better option, Trenton mayor Reed Gusciora admitted in a press conference Thursday that the expressway median wasn’t the best location for an off-leash dog park. “In hindsight, the decision to place a park for dogs to run around…Read more...
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on (#6250K)
PENSACOLA, FL—After multiple violations resulted in the man being forcibly escorted from the establishment Thursday, sources reported that area man Stewart Quillings, 32, was thrown out of a strip club for allegedly touching a stripper’s heart. “He was told several times not to get close to the dancers, but he just…Read more...
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