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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:00 |
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on (#63HQ7)
ATLANTA—Deeming the company policy no longer necessary for safe travel, Delta Air Lines announced Monday it would lift all pandemic-era restrictions on passengers abusing its flight crew. “Effective immediately, Delta customers will no longer be removed from a flight for insulting, belittling, striking, or maiming one…Read more...
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on (#63HFS)
With global warming, deadly pandemics, and political instability threatening to destroy society as we know it, more and more billionaires are preparing for a doomsday scenario. The Onion asked some of the most powerful people in the world how they will survive the apocalypse, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#63HFT)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Announcing emergency regulations amid one of the state’s driest years on record, the California Department of Water Resources implemented new restrictions Monday that limit all residents to one act of shower sex per week. “We understand how amazing shower sex feels and how much the hot water and steam…Read more...
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on (#63HBY)
A study published in the journal Infancy found that babies of moms who experienced more fluctuations in stress during pregnancy showed more fear, sadness, and distress at 3 months than those of moms who were less stressed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63H99)
WASHINGTON—In a press conference Monday, NASA administrator Bill Nelson confirmed the biggest concern agency officials had about returning to the moon was that it might not remember them. “It’s been, jeez, what, almost 50 years? We just hope it’s not super awkward,” said Nelson, who noted that NASA astronauts were…Read more...
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on (#63H9B)
SALT LAKE CITY—Remarking upon the unfair bias of those who take a dim view of his belief system, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints argued Monday that his faith community had just as much legitimate sexual abuse as any other organized religion. “People think that because our religion is only…Read more...
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on (#63F2R)
NEW YORK—Faced with felony charges from the Manhattan district attorney’s office, former Trump advisor Steve Bannon was arraigned on multiple counts of public indecency Friday for going around looking like that, according to court records. “Your honor, as you can plainly see, it breaches the limits of human decency…Read more...
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on (#63F0D)
Queen Elizabeth II passed away at Balmoral Castle at the age of 96, capping off an almost 70-year reign, the longest of any British monarch, which oversaw the dissolution of much of the British Empire. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63EY5)
BALLATER, SCOTLAND—Ruling her official cause of death as suicide, sources confirmed Friday that Queen Elizabeth II shot herself in her bunker with her service pistol as enemy forces closed in. “Rather than surrender, Queen Elizabeth died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head,” said sources, who shared that the…Read more...
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on (#63ERB)
KANSAS CITY, MO—The insurance company and one of its spokespeople were reportedly in hot water Thursday evening when a controversial State Farm ad featured Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes insisting there was no way to insure against God’s judgment. “Things happen—cruel things, horrible things—to those…Read more...
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on (#63ENH)
Liz Truss became the new prime minister of the United Kingdom on Tuesday, replacing Boris Johnson. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Truss.
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on (#63EGT)
“Who do these people think they are taking credit for undermining the Justice Department? That was all me, but they’ll never tell you that.”
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on (#63ED5)
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Remarking on how fresh everything looked at the local establishment, a patron at Toma Restaurant and Bar reportedly told his server Friday to “keep going” as he watched the employee run out of cheese and begin to grate the flesh of his hand. “More, please—I’ll tell you when,” said the diner, Larry…Read more...
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on (#63DCP)
REDWOOD CITY, CA—Following outcry over an issue that was negatively affecting gameplay, developers of Madden NFL 23 told reporters Thursday that they were working to fix a glitch in the game that lets players win the Super Bowl with the Houston Texans. “We strive to make Madden as authentic as we can, so we’re…Read more...
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on (#63C8P)
A federal study has found that math and reading scores for 9-year-olds in the U.S. fell between 2020 and 2022 by a level not seen in decades, a foreboding sign of the state of American education two years after the Covid-19 pandemic began. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63ARM)
WASHINGTON—As the invasive species continues its spread along the East Coast and threatens fruit production and logging across the country, federal officials announced Tuesday they would escalate their campaign against spotted lanternflies by arming local praying mantises. “Following a sustained and coordinated attack…Read more...
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on (#63A5D)
SAN DIEGO—Stressing that he wasn’t looking for a miracle but could use a little bit of help, San Diego Padres shortstop Fernando Tatis Jr. reportedly asked a team doctor Tuesday if there was anything he could take to come back from his performance-enhancing drug suspension quicker. “I’m not asking you to do anything…Read more...
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on (#63A3N)
WASHINGTON—Muttering in frustration that he was already up to his neck in work, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly grew annoyed Tuesday after getting another text from his wife nagging him to overthrow the government before he got home. “For Christ’s sake, Ginni, you know how busy I am this time of…Read more...
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on (#63A3P)
REDMOND, WA—Noting how heartbreaking it had been to watch their beloved nana sit there and struggle, local woman Janelle Porter told reporters Tuesday that her family just wanted to ensure her grandmother’s dinner was as comfortable and pain-free as possible. “Although it’s difficult, I hope that Grandma feels…Read more...
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on (#638YM)
With numerous Fox News personalities deposed in the Dominion Voting Systems $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit against the network, The Onion asked its hosts and contributors how they felt about the legal proceeding.Read more...
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on (#638Y5)
COLUMBUS — Claiming to be so ignorant as to judge another human being simply based on their skin, local man Oliver Kent told reporters Monday that he didn’t see color, only head shape. “Listen, I don’t care whether you’re Black, white, green, or purple, all that matters is the exact contours of your skull that…Read more...
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on (#638Y3)
MARBLEHEAD, MA—Saying he had outlasted dozens of other clergy members lost to scandals and lawsuits, local priest Father Gregory Jordan told reporters Monday that he took great pride in never having molested anyone. “Back in the day, fellow priests were molesting kids left and right, but for whatever reason I’ve…Read more...
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on (#638Y2)
The winner of the second largest lottery prize in Megamillions history has not yet come forward almost a month after the winning numbers were announced, officials saying the prize money will be returned to the contributing states if the winner fails to claim the money after a year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#638Y6)
BELLEAIR BLUFFS, FL—Concluding it would likely provide shoppers with a measure of affirmation and self-worth, a study published Monday by The Journal Of Consumer Affairs found that the vast majority of Americans wish self-checkout kiosks would tell them they did a great job. “Customers have repeatedly emphasized their…Read more...
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on (#638Y7)
BALTIMORE—Struggling to immerse herself in the new novel she had recently purchased, local reader Jasmine Morgan told reporters Monday she was going to give the book a few more chapters just in case the author got better at writing. “It’s pretty rough so far, but I’m going to be patient and see if his talent picks…Read more...
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on (#636V1)
Democrat Mary Peltola has won the special election for Alaska’s only U.S. House seat on Wednesday, beating former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to become Alaska’s first indigenous member of Congress and flipping a seat held by a Republican for half a century. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#636V2)
SAVANNAH, GA—Having not yet committed to participate in any of three scheduled debates with incumbent Georgia Sen. Raphael Warnock, GOP challenger Herschel Walker was reportedly brushing up on theoretical physics and linguistics Friday in order to formulate the ideal conditions for a contest with his rival. “I don’t…Read more...
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on (#636Q5)
CHICAGO—Despite making an effort to cook more meals at home, local man Greg Francese reportedly hit a snag Friday when a difficult-to-follow recipe called for the dish to be enjoyed with friends. “Oh no, I should have read the whole thing before I got started, I don’t have any of those handy,” said the 34-year-old…Read more...
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on (#636J0)
LAREDO, TX—In an effort to ensure he was getting the most for his money, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott reportedly filled the last open seats on his bus of migrants Friday with local Jews. “Eh, they’ll do,” said Abbott, who waved and watched as the chartered bus carrying Nicaraguan migrants, Venezuelan refugees, and U.S.…Read more...
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on (#636B9)
PASADENA, CA—Explaining that the agency was unable to provide direct evidence of its surprising encounter, NASA officials announced Friday that the Curiosity Rover ran into Jason Schwartzman on the surface of Mars but didn’t take any pictures because it didn’t want to be weird. “Our rover spotted the Darjeeling Limited…Read more...
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on (#636B8)
With California facing an unprecedented drought, many cities have imposed strict water usage limits for their residents. The Onion asked Californians how they felt about the restrictions, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#636AD)
SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Discovering an astonishing similarity between human and animal behavior, a study published Friday by zoologists at Mount Holyoke College found that dolphins are the only other species of mammal that jet-skis for pleasure. “After years of observation, we feel confident in saying that dolphins do…Read more...
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on (#63661)
AINSWORTH, OH—Members of law enforcement responding to a violent situation unfolding at McKinsdale Elementary School reportedly made the decision to stand down Friday after becoming confident that a school shooter would tucker himself out. “We’re hearing reports that he’s running through classrooms gunning down…Read more...
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on (#63641)
A new poll of 1,500 American citizens found that 43% of them think it’s likely a civil war will break out over the next decade, with Republicans more likely to believe it will take place soon. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63640)
President Joe Biden’s plan to forgive up to $20,000 of some Americans’ student loans has inspired widespread political debate. The Onion fact-checks claims about Biden’s plan and student loan debt in general.Read more...
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on (#635JR)
JACKSON, MS—Declaring a state of emergency as more than 180,000 residents lost access to potable water, Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves dispatched emergency workers to Jackson on Thursday in an attempt to keep the flood contained to Black parts of the city. “I want the residents of our capital city to rest assured that…Read more...
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on (#635GD)
Mikhail Gorbachev, who as the last leader of the Soviet Union played a central role in ending the Cold War but failed to prevent the collapse of the USSR, has died. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#635CF)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Issuing its latest regulations governing the sale of tobacco products, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that cigarette packs would now be required to feature an image of a cigarette pack, which itself must bear a smaller image of a cigarette pack, which in turn will have an even…Read more...
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on (#6351E)
HONOLULU—Coaxing viewers to come enjoy all the islands have to offer, a new Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau ad boasted Thursday of sandy white tourists as far as the eye could see. “Hawaii is world-renowned for the shimmering, alabaster vacationers lining its popular shorelines,” said a soothing voiceover in the…Read more...
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on (#634YS)
CHICAGO—Insisting that large expanses of asphalt were where Nana felt most at home, members of late Camila García’s family convinced themselves Thursday that their grandmother would have wanted her ashes scattered over the funeral home parking lot. “She loved this area and always went to the Burger King nearby, so…Read more...
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