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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:00 |
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on (#634QT)
With the FBI’s investigation of the former president continuing to heat up, The Onion asked conservatives what they would do if Donald Trump is prosecuted.Read more...
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on (#634QJ)
A 60-year-old Nebraska man set a new world record after paddling 38 miles down a river in a 846-pound hollowed-out pumpkin he grew himself. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#633X1)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a comprehensive analysis that confirms the stubborn persistence of racial bias within the U.S. housing market, a Harvard University study published Tuesday found that homes are appraised 40% lower on average when haunted by Black ghosts. “Realtors across the country confirm that property values in a…Read more...
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on (#633JM)
SAN RAMON, CA—U.S. investments in solar power reportedly skyrocketed Wednesday following the discovery of pure, unrefined sunbeams lying several hundred feet beneath the Amazon rain forest. “Once considered a pipe dream, we’re now confident that solar power is the future of energy in the United States and the rest of…Read more...
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on (#633EH)
BETHESDA, MD—Claiming a person could be bisected and find themselves toppling over onto the ground before they realized what had happened, a new prevention campaign unveiled Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health urged the public to be on lookout for early signs they may have been cut in half by a samurai.…Read more...
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on (#633CY)
DETROIT—Facing yet another crushing loss during a long season on one of the worst teams in baseball, Detroit Tigers center fielder Riley Greene told reporters this week that he crashed into the outfield wall just to feel something. “Did I need to run full-speed into the outfield wall when that ball was clearly a home…Read more...
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on (#633CH)
A New York state law has gone into effect banning the sale of whipped cream canisters to people under 21 to prevent teens from using the product to get high by inhaling the nitrous oxide found inside the canisters, also known as “whippits,” “whippets,” or “whip-its.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#632TD)
A new poll found that, for the first time, marijuana use is more popular than tobacco with more Americans saying they smoke marijuana than those who reported smoking cigarettes in the last week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#632R8)
TUCSON, AZ—Demonstrating high-school-level academic proficiency after several failed attempts, nonagenarian intellectual Noam Chomsky told reporters Tuesday that he had finally earned his GED. “I am proud to announce that after decades of false starts and dashed dreams, I have received a passing score on the General…Read more...
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on (#632NZ)
WASHINGTON—Citing various pedestrian hurdles including a lack of centralized roads, downtown areas, and public transit, a new study published Tuesday found that the majority of red states were not walkable enough to accommodate riots in the streets. “Currently, due to massive urban sprawl and crumbling…Read more...
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on (#632MX)
MERRITT ISLAND, FL—In a disappointing setback to the hotly anticipated unmanned lunar mission, NASA announced Tuesday that it had delayed the Artemis I launch after the rocket got scared. “Unfortunately, just moments before launch, the rocket got a little spooked and needed to come down,” said NASA administrator…Read more...
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on (#6325Z)
LOS ANGELES—Breaking the disappointing news as gently as he could, casting director Ray Ulrich told 9-year-old child actor Grayson Linford during an audition Tuesday that the boy simply didn’t have the abusive parents necessary to make it in the entertainment industry. “Sorry, kid, but showbiz is a tough racket, and I…Read more...
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on (#63260)
CTE has plagued many NFL athletes, and the effects can be devastating in children as well. The Onion asked several parents why they do not allow their kids to play football, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6323G)
READING, PA—Having finally begun a new chapter of his journey into manhood, teenage boy Dylan Rackham was reportedly entering that awkward phase this week where he’s a complete fucking pervert. “Dylan’s starting to notice the girls in his class and fantasize about all the depraved, potentially illegal sex shit he…Read more...
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on (#6321D)
PALO ALTO, CA—In a highly anticipated update designed to help control how data is collected, a new option on Google’s privacy settings released Tuesday allowed users to choose if Sundar Pichai can sleep under their bed. “Starting today, Google will allow everyone on its platform to either opt in or out of the option…Read more...
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on (#6318Q)
SOLNA, SWEDEN—Responding to demand from American consumers, Swedish company BabyBjörn announced Monday it would begin marketing a concealed carry ankle infant holster in the United States. “Finally, parents can safely swaddle their babies in public without attracting the unwanted attention that comes from displaying…Read more...
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on (#630YX)
Following President Joe Biden’s announcement on forgiving student debt, The Onion asked Americans across the country why they oppose the student loan relief plan.Read more...
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on (#62YPZ)
California is poised to set a 2035 deadline for all new cars, trucks and SUVs sold in the state to be powered by electricity or hydrogen, a policy expected to quicken the global transition to electric vehicles. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62YKB)
CRAWFORD COUNTY, IN—Noting the stark differences between country and city life, rural resident Pat McCalahan confirmed Friday that he has to travel more than two miles from where he lives to hear his nearest neighbors having sex. “It’s not like in Chicago or New York where your neighbors are right on the other side of…Read more...
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on (#62YKC)
PALM BEACH, FL—Stating he was “absolutely sickened” over the loss of “such precious heirlooms,” former President Donald Trump claimed Friday that the classified documents seized in an FBI raid had been in his family for generations. “My father inherited these documents from his father, who brought them with him to the…Read more...
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on (#62YJW)
YUMA COUNTY, AZ—Keeping pressure on the wound in her side as she trudged beneath the scorching noonday sun, a bloodied Janet Yellen was reportedly spotted dragging U.S. Treasury funds through Arizona’s Yuma Desert on Friday after a tense money supply handoff with the International Monetary Fund went south. “Should…Read more...
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on (#62YB2)
Anne Frank’s diary, Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye, and the Bible are among 40 books that were recently pulled from a Texas school district’s library. The Onion asked Texans how they felt about the book bans, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62Y2N)
OKLAHOMA CITY—After suffering a foot injury that will cost him the entire 2022-23 season, Oklahoma City Thunder rookie Chet Holmgren reportedly assured fans Friday that he’ll be back and perfectly healthy for nine games next year. “Missing my rookie year in this league isn’t what I wanted, but I want everyone to know…Read more...
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on (#62Y2D)
The popularity of photo-sharing app BeReal continues to grow, hitting number one in Apple’s App Store and boasting an estimated 10 million daily users. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about BeReal.Read more...
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on (#62XFP)
President Biden announced he is forgiving up to $10,000 in federal student loan debt for millions of Americans earning less than $125,000 a year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62XFQ)
AMES, IA—Learning to connect with their subjects on a deeper level, Iowa State University art students reportedly spent class Tuesday sculpting butter with a live cow model. “I wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea at first, but now I have a greater understanding of a cow’s anatomy and the way its body parts…Read more...
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on (#62XC7)
WASHINGTON—Detailing the features of his controversial new debt-relief program intended to violently massacre hardworking Americans, President Joe Biden unveiled Wednesday a new student loan forgiveness plan that will require many taxpayers to be dragged out into the street and killed like dogs. “To help alleviate the…Read more...
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on (#62XC8)
WASHINGTON—Slowly edging into a room filled with White House advisors and congressional leaders, Vice President Kamala Harris is said to have quietly stepped into the frame behind President Biden during his Wednesday announcement that the federal government would cancel up to $20,000 in student debt. Sources confirmed…Read more...
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on (#62WPR)
GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Remembering his training as he calmly approached the animal in crisis, hero conservationist Greg Morgan reportedly convinced a suicidal Galápagos penguin to put down the gun it held to its head Thursday while threatening to take its own endangered life. “Please, I know you probably feel very…Read more...
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on (#62WNN)
“We can’t have instances where police in the heat of the moment have to stop and second-guess whether it’s excessive to kick a guy who’s already unconscious.”Read more...
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on (#62VHN)
Dr. Anthony Fauci, who has served as a health advisor to seven U.S. presidents and became a household name during the coronavirus pandemic, announced Monday that he would step down from government service in December. The Onion looks at the highlights of Dr. Fauci’s long career.
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on (#62VDN)
RACINE, WI—Touting the company’s commitment to the development of humane products, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would now include a spray that kills insects by making them cum so hard they die. “With Raid Climax, we can finally offer consumers an…Read more...
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on (#62RV3)
BOULDER, CO—Noting that there was way too much stuff out there to buy, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Colorado found that it was completely impossible to save money. “According to our data, any attempt to save your money is pointless,” said lead author Dr. David Wint, who found that of…Read more...
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on (#62PQ7)
A Florida court has ruled that a 16-year-old who initially petitioned to terminate her pregnancy, citing being a student and unemployed as reasons she is unprepared to have a baby, is not mature enough to make the decision to have an abortion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62PMB)
MENLO PARK, CA—Admitting that his virtual likeness had a long way to go before it felt like a genuine representation, Mark Zuckerberg told reporters Friday that he was worried his metaverse avatar didn’t fully capture how inhuman he looks. “While our Horizon Worlds platform is well on its way to becoming a fully…Read more...
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on (#62PMD)
MOSCOW—A bloody and costly months-long conflict between the two nations ended in an unconditional surrender early Friday morning after Ukraine completed its successful takeover of Russia. “While much of the world’s attention moved on, our people continued to fight, and today we have finally achieved our ultimate aim…Read more...
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on (#62PDC)
KELLER, TX—Calling the new policy a “necessary” safety measure, administrators from Keller Independent School District confirmed Friday that all students were now required to use clear bags in order to prevent them from bringing in books. “As we start the new school year, we’d like to remind students that all…Read more...
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on (#62P8X)
Since Mar-a-Lago was raided on Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI has fielded an unprecedented number of threats against its personnel and property. The Onion asked conservatives why they do not trust the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62P4N)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Feeling let down to see a straightforward rendering of the Midwestern state, local reader Kyle Nuebart reported Friday that underwhelming fantasy novel Dayton Rising featured a map of Ohio in its opening pages. “There’s no Mount Blightforge or Tower of Azingoth or anything, just a simple overview of…Read more...
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