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on (#624F6)
U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Taiwan late Tuesday, becoming the highest-ranking American official in 25 years to visit the self-ruled island claimed by China, which quickly announced that it would conduct military maneuvers in retaliation for her presence. What do you think?Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 03:30 |
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on (#623WQ)
WASHINGTON—Pulling no punches in her negotiations with the president, Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) demanded Joe Biden’s tie as one of the conditions for her support of the Inflation Reduction Act, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not opposed to closing the carried interest…Read more...
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on (#623RF)
SAN ANTONIO—Agreeing to go through with the plan should they continue to rate as a two or lower when the appointed date arrived, friends Laura Reilly, 31, and Josh Martindale, 32, made a pact Wednesday to get married if they were both still ugly when they turned 40. “If we both go all the way through our 30s without…Read more...
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on (#623R6)
WASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and daunting prospects in the midterms, a desperate President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that Halloween would now happen every month. “Let’s everybody stop worrying about gas prices, inflation, or anything like that and just have a fun, spooky…Read more...
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on (#623PP)
CHICAGO—Having already spent 15 minutes searching for a place to park his vehicle, frustrated fire truck driver Trevor Boyce was reportedly taking another spin around the block Wednesday after the only open spot he found was in front of a fire hydrant. “It’s not worth it if I get a ticket,” said Boyce, adding that he…Read more...
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on (#6230H)
WASHINGTON—In response to the massive flooding in Appalachian mountain communities that has claimed at least 37 lives and displaced hundreds from their homes, Kentucky’s senior senator, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R), reportedly requested 50 million additional gallons of floodwater Tuesday for the state’s flood…Read more...
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on (#622KA)
Controversial Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is releasing a new book titled Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need as a defense of masculinity and its role in American democracy. While the book won’t be released for nearly a year, The Onion was able to secure an early draft. Here are the biggest revelations in …Read more...
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on (#621B3)
Despite widespread evidence of the vaccine’s efficacy, four in 10 parents said they would not vaccinate their young children against Covid-19. The Onion asked them why they came to this decision, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62152)
AKRON, OH—Theorizing there might be a way to occasionally complete a routine traffic stop without anybody dying, Ohio police announced plans Monday to begin experimenting with nonlethal methods of administering speeding tickets. “Basically, we’re toying with the possibility that there could theoretically be a means…Read more...
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on (#61YXE)
WASHINGTON—Countering the stalled PACT Act with a measure of their own, Senate Republicans unveiled a new bill Friday that would rapidly expand veterans’ access to burn pits. “We’ve heard your concerns, and we want to assure you the GOP is fighting hard to ensure the nation’s brave veterans are breathing the toxins…Read more...
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on (#61YQE)
Beyoncé will release her seventh album, Renaissance, on July 29. The Onion looks back at the major milestones in the career of one of the world’s most celebrated artists.
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on (#61YD8)
LAS VEGAS—Urging concertgoers to pick up a version of the multiplatinum pop star before entering the venue, bootlegger Frank Rossi spent Friday outside the Dolby Live theater in Las Vegas trying to convince fans to buy knockoff Lady Gagas. “All right, everyone, get your authentic Lady Gagas here, 20 bucks, no…Read more...
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on (#61YD9)
PLANO, TX—Touting the benefits of the vehicle for the contemporary American lifestyle, Toyota unveiled a multifamily tenement sedan Friday for people living out of their cars. “With 150 horsepower, a state-of-the-art navigational system, and retractable particle-board walls, the Toyota Tenement is perfect for the…Read more...
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on (#61YB0)
A California man has sued Mars, the company that makes Skittles, claiming the use of titanium dioxide in the candy makes it “unfit for human consumption,” the additive being linked to genotoxicity which can potentially cause cancer. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61YB1)
WASHINGTON—Remarking how nice it was to get out of the house and do something active for once, citizens of the United States of America shared a romantic date Friday on a 330 million-person tandem bike. “Oh wow, I love feeling the breeze in my hair, and being able to explore our surroundings in such a new and exciting…Read more...
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on (#61XPE)
The Mega Millions jackpot has skyrocketed to $1.02 billion after no ticket matched all six winning numbers in Tuesday night’s drawing, making it the third largest lottery jackpot in history. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61XKM)
BEIJING—Warning the United States that the House Speaker would be spared, China reportedly threatened to retaliate Thursday for Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan by letting her return safely. “Should Nancy Pelosi follow through with her planned trip to Taiwan, China will be forced to take the hostile measure to weaken…Read more...
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on (#61XHH)
LOS ANGELES—With the national lottery prize ballooning to nearly $1 billion in recent days, local woman Julia Ortega, an IT specialist who purchased a single Mega Millions ticket with her coworkers, confirmed Thursday that she already knew how she would dispose of their bodies. “Obviously, there’s a really slim chance…Read more...
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on (#61WZE)
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Facing criticisms of police brutality and unnecessary use of lethal force on a suspect, officers from the Little Rock Police Department stated in a press conference Thursday that the unarmed Black man they shot had been attacking them with psychic hallucinations. “Though the suspect in question did not…Read more...
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on (#61WZF)
LOUISVILLE, KY—Promising a fried-food adventure more exciting than any before it, a new Long John Silver’s virtual reality headset released this week will provide an immersive and unrivaled deep-frying experience, according to company officials. “With this cutting-edge technology, our customers will get a…Read more...
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on (#61VK4)
The rocky political relationship between former President Donald Trump and his vice president, Mike Pence, has intensified as Pence seeks to distance himself from Trump ahead of a potential 2024 election challenge. The Onion looks back at the major moments in the pair’s political relationship since Trump selected…Read more...
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on (#61TB4)
COLUMBUS, OH—According to a comprehensive, decade-long study published Tuesday by sports medicine researchers at the Ohio State University, joggers burn up to 200 calories during a 30-minute run simply from pulling down their bunched-up shorts over and over again. “Our data showed that a jogger can get in an excellent…Read more...
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on (#61T9A)
FARMINGTON, NM—Decrying the large, mostly empty hole they had just excavated as a “total goddamned tease,” angry investigators confirmed Tuesday that a bullshit mass grave was actually just one guy. “What the fuck—are you seriously going to tell me this whole mass grave is honest-to-God just one stupid fucking guy?”…Read more...
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on (#61SN1)
The World Health Organization has declared the international monkeypox outbreak a global emergency, the last issued global health emergency occurring in Jan. 2020 in response to the Covid-19 outbreak. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61SDN)
A controversial figure among Democrats, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) has relentlessly blocked popular pieces of legislation from passing through the Senate. The Onion asked several Democrats why they still support him, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#61S45)
TUCSON, AZ—Visibly full of disdain when he remarks that they let just about anyone into public prisons, snobby ex-convict Darren Fesky is always mentioning how he went to a private detention center, sources reported Monday. “Excuse me, but you’re speaking to someone who attended Saguaro Correctional Facility—ever…Read more...
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on (#61S2M)
WASHINGTON—In an awkward post-coital conversation addressing an embarrassing faux pas Monday, U.S. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly apologized to his husband Chasten after accidentally moaning the name of an interstate highway during sex. “I’m sorry, I was just caught up in the moment, but I want you…Read more...
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on (#61S1V)
The International Union for the Conservation of Nature has announced that monarch butterflies are now listed as endangered due to dwindling populations in North America attributed to loss of habitat, pesticides, and climate change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61PFX)
After mounting pressure, Texas officials have released a 77-page report detailing the police response to the mass shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX. The following are the most shocking details that have recently come to light.Read more...
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on (#61PBE)
Months of protests in Sri Lanka led to President Gotabaya Rajapaksa fleeing the country as the South Asian island nation remains embroiled in a political and economic crisis. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the political crisis in Sri Lanka.
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on (#61PA2)
NEW YORK—In response to growing unrest among the players regarding their salaries, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred reportedly extended an olive branch to minor leaguers Friday by letting them run the bases at an MLB stadium after the game. “We want the players across our farm system to know that we…Read more...
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on (#61PA3)
WASHINGTON—Calling the arrangement necessary to achieve long-term success in the volatile region, State Department officials announced Wednesday that they had managed to broker a key alliance in the failed Southwestern state of Texas by providing arms to local warlords. “The lack of stable institutions has left…Read more...
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on (#61PA4)
A new survey has found that one in five adults in the United States believe that political violence is justified in some circumstances, with 7.1% saying they would be willing to kill a person to advance an important political goal. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61NPD)
British movie theater chain Showcase Cinemas U.K. recently offered free tickets to people with red hair amid a heat wave in the country, explaining that redheads are more vulnerable to the sun’s rays and would have shelter in their fully air-conditioned theaters. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61NPE)
WASHINGTON—In an acknowledgment that it may not be able to accomplish much with its infection of the nation’s commander-in-chief, the virus that causes Covid-19 told reporters Thursday it was unsure what it could do to make President Biden’s body any weaker. “His vital organs and circulatory system are already pretty…Read more...
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on (#61NMF)
WASHINGTON—In an address detailing the commander in chief’s health following a recent Covid 19 diagnosis, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told reporters Thursday that President Biden remained energetic enough to have his customary morning intercourse with the First Lady. “Despite some mild symptoms…Read more...
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on (#61N20)
WASHINGTON—Rushing to the door of his home to excitedly introduce himself, Chasten Buttigieg was overheard Thursday saying, “It’s so nice to finally meet one of Pete’s work friends,” to a traffic cone. “Hi, oh my gosh, I have heard so much about you, I feel like I know you already,” said Chasten, adding that the…Read more...
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on (#61M8R)
For some conservatives, no school can be “anti-woke” enough. The Onion asked right-wing Americans why they are homeschooling their kids, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#61M8T)
A record-breaking heat wave is sweeping across Europe. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the European heat wave.
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on (#61M8W)
MILWAUKEE—Following numerous reports of riders looking concerned, bystanders were reportedly assured Wednesday that it would take a hell of a lot more than this to snap the cable, according to a man jumping in the elevator. “These cables are built to handle a little turbulence like this, no problem,” said local man…Read more...
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on (#61JYW)
President Volodymyr Zelensky has suspended the head of Ukraine’s spy agency and the prosecutor general, claiming several cases of treason in the two powerful organizations. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61JYX)
UVALDE, TX—Stressing that the recording would have been far too disturbing without the changes, Texas officials released video footage Tuesday from the shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX where police laughter had been removed. “In the interest of the American public, we have opted to edit the footage to mute…Read more...
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