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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 05:15 |
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on (#60TFS)
President Joe Biden has signed into law the most significant gun control bill in three decades, a law that enhances background checks for 18- to 21-year-olds, closes the “boyfriend loophole,” and provides billions of dollars for mental health services and crisis intervention programs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60SWY)
CHICAGO—Appearing crestfallen as people sampled the various items on the table but hers remained untouched, local woman Melissa Ogilvy told reporters Friday she was disappointed that no one at the potluck supper she was attending had even tried the napkins she brought. “I assumed everyone would want at least one of…Read more...
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on (#60SWZ)
The FDA recently granted emergency authorization to two coronavirus vaccines for children under 5 years old, the first such immunizations approved for this age group. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about Covid vaccines for infants and toddlers.
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on (#60SX0)
SAN FRANCISCO—Assuring his staff that he would always be as open and honest with them about the business as necessary, Edgemere Media CEO Michael Breznick confirmed Monday that he didn’t expect any upcoming layoffs that employees deserved to know about. “I know that many of you have been concerned about our profits…Read more...
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on (#60SWM)
British health officials have identified a likely outbreak of polio in London for the first time in 40 years, finding multiple versions of the virus in sewage water. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60SWN)
NEW YORK—Shedding light on the stark disparities female patients face in the healthcare system, a Columbia University study published Monday found that women are 32% more likely to die after a surgery performed by a male janitor. “Sadly, many women in our country’s hospitals don’t receive proper care from male…Read more...
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on (#60MQH)
Florida governor Ron DeSantis has announced that he will not facilitate distribution of the Covid-19 vaccine for toddlers ahead of its final approval by the government, making Florida the only state not to do so, which could delay availability to children’s hospitals. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60MNM)
DAYTON, OH—Claiming her beloved pet seldom left his spot on the sofa and had never honed his instincts for competitive driving, local woman Lizzy Gelson told reporters Wednesday that her indoor cat Fluffers wouldn’t last a day in the high-octane world of street racing. “This pampered little fella has never even left…Read more...
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on (#60KYS)
Twelve elementary school children in Juneau, AK drank floor sealant they thought was milk after it was served to students at a summer care program, the chemical revealed to have been stored in a food warehouse by mistake. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60K7Y)
NEW YORK—In a press conference addressing the ongoing situation in the Caribbean country, an expert council at the U.N. announced Tuesday that Haiti’s ongoing institutional crisis could be the decisive piece of knowledge that makes you seem smart. “We’re seeing an alarming decline in institutional stability and…Read more...
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on (#60K7M)
MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to buy the weirdest fucking soda imaginable. “Yes, I used to enjoy alcohol, but now I prefer to drink new and fun things…Read more...
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on (#60J53)
PORTLAND, OR—Feeling absolutely duped by the strangers in his building, local resident Edward Siede told reporters Monday that he wasted a whole conversation getting to know his new neighbors who turned out to just be Airbnb guests. “I lost a full 30 minutes of my time talking to these people I thought had moved into…Read more...
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on (#60J3C)
NEW YORK—Noting the abrupt and dramatic shift in the man’s attitude toward work, Lindwasser Insurance Group president Brad Lindwasser told reporters Monday that one of his employees who regularly complained about not having enough days off was suddenly upset about getting fired. “He was always saying he needed more…Read more...
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on (#60G0Y)
According to a new study, the U.S. could have saved more than 338,000 lives and more than $105 billion in healthcare costs in the Covid-19 pandemic with a universal healthcare system, citing delayed diagnosis and exacerbated transmission for the uninsured or underinsured in the current system. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60FTS)
On Jan. 6, 2020, President Trump attempted to change the course of U.S. history forever. Rather than accept a loss, he asked me, Vice President Mike Pence, to step in and overturn the election in his favor.
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on (#60FTG)
WASHINGTON—With inflation at a 40-year high, the Federal Reserve raised its benchmark interest rate this week in an effort to—hey, come on, pay attention, this is really important! The Consumer Price Index has gone up 8.6% since May of last year, and so the Fed’s hike of three-quarters of a point is aimed at…hello?…Read more...
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on (#60FQM)
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Dooming parkgoers to an eternity of family fun in the sun, a new black wristband was unveiled Friday for visitors condemned to spend the rest of time at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. “We are happy to offer our new accursed black wristbands to those damned to endlessly wander the world’s largest and most…Read more...
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on (#60FJD)
Thus far, more than 300 people who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, have pleaded guilty. The Onion asked them why they participated in the insurrection, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#60FFT)
HOUSTON—As she marveled in awe that a child could be so lucky, sources confirmed that local 8-year-old Madison Fritsch, who reportedly has a kitchen play set in her bedroom, had been one-upped Friday by a poor friend who actually got to sleep next to a real stove. “Wow, I thought having a toy kitchen in my room was…Read more...
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on (#60EPR)
A pest control company in Raleigh, NC is offering $2,000 to release 100 cockroaches into the homes of volunteers as part of a study on the efficacy of various DIY cockroach treatments. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60EPS)
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Following weeks of low stock and empty shelves at many of the nation’s drugstores, the maker of Tampax products announced Thursday that the tampon shortage had been resolved after a local woman shook out her bag and rummaged through all the items that had accumulated inside it. “Thankfully, we…Read more...
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on (#60EPT)
WASHINGTON—Debating the best public course of action for dealing with the record-breaking temperatures expected across the country this week, top experts were reportedly divided Thursday on whether it was better to beat the heat or have fun in the sun. “On the one hand, heatstroke is very serious and people should…Read more...
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on (#60EK8)
NEW YORK—In what doctors are calling a landmark discovery vital to understanding mental health, a new study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Psychology found that postpartum depression was directly linked to a baby immediately slapping and flipping off its mother after birth. “In terms of a woman…Read more...
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on (#60E48)
CHICAGO—Boasting the largest payout in the history of the game, officials announced Thursday that the Onion Lotto Jackpot was now up to nine bucks. “Play the Onion Lottery now for your chance to win the grand prize of nine whole dollars—and counting,” the statement read in part, adding that it was not too late to buy…Read more...
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on (#60DE3)
More than 100 million Americans are under a heat advisory this week, with officials urging people to stay indoors as record-breaking temperatures topping 10 to 30 degrees above normal are expected in many areas of the country. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60CSR)
As the House committee on the Jan. 6 insurrection continues its public hearings, Republicans are scrambling to shift the blame away from themselves. Here are the biggest talking points the GOP is using to downplay the Capitol riots.Read more...
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on (#60CQB)
GOEPPERT-MAYER CRATER, VENUS—Saying the team would return with invaluable knowledge about what’s needed to survive in a hostile environment, NASA astronauts reportedly began preparing for a mission to Mars by spending a year living in a simulated colony on Venus. “While it may not exactly mimic the planetary…Read more...
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on (#60CQA)
AUGUSTA, ME—Describing his astonishment after violently torturing his victim for hours on end Wednesday, a local kidnapper said he was shocked that pulling out his captive’s fingernails had not ended the man’s Stockholm syndrome. “Jeez, what do I have to do to keep this guy from smiling at me like I’m his best friend?…Read more...
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on (#60CQ7)
BOSTON—An investigation into the musician’s suspiciously powerful work concluded Tuesday as Boston Philharmonic Orchestra conductor William Ness reportedly received an eight-concert suspension for using a corked baton. “We have a zero-tolerance policy against cheating, and Mr. Ness knew that, which is why we believe…Read more...
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on (#60CQ6)
Two maintenance workers were rescued by firefighters after falling into a partially filled chocolate tank at a Mars Wrigley factory in Pennsylvania. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60BN6)
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to win over insomnia sufferers worried about side effects, dietary supplement brand Nature Made introduced a new melatonin formula Tuesday that promises 40% fewer nightmares in which horrible writhing spiders cover every surface in the room and cannot be escaped. “With this new…Read more...
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