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on (#60B9R)
CULVER CITY, CA—After weeks of stories about how he likes to restore vintage Pontiacs, proposed to his fiancée with a message on the Yankee Stadium scoreboard, and once met Nick Nolte on an airplane, a 16-game winning streak reportedly left a Jeopardy! contestant with nothing but dark anecdotes to share Tuesday. “It…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-06-27 21:15 |
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on (#60B9Q)
“If I get mugged, I need to call someone who can show up afterward and tell me it was a damn shame.”Read more...
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on (#60B9P)
A small clinical trial testing the experimental drug dostarlimab saw 100% of rectal cancer cases go into remission, with oncologists saying the unprecedented results have the potential of being a huge step forward in cancer research. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60B9N)
WASHINGTON—In response to the continuing debate over the ethics of public demonstration, Rep. Lyle Goodrich (R-CA) told reporters Wednesday that he supports the right of protesters to assemble anywhere an SUV can plow through them. “Americans absolutely have the right to make their voices heard in public spaces where…Read more...
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on (#60AGN)
Idaho police officers arrested 31 people affiliated with the white naitonalist group Patriot Front on charges of conspiracy to riot after they were discovered packed into the back of a U-Haul truck with riot gear on the way to a nearby Pride event. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60A18)
HOLLY, MI—Pulling his plate back from the approaching insect, local picnicker Mike Hansen told an ant Monday that it was out of its fucking mind if it thought it was getting any of his pie. “Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Hansen said to the ant that paused slightly at the man’s movement before…Read more...
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on (#609ZH)
After months of feverish anticipation, Sony’s mammoth update to its PS Plus online service is finally here, unleashing hundreds of free titles—from AAA releases to indie sleeper hits—onto the gaming public. Here are the must-play games on PlayStation Plus Premium.Read more...
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on (#609ZG)
WASHINGTON—As Covid restrictions continue to ease across the country, the nation has become more and more comfortable masturbating indoors again, sources confirmed Monday. “After more than two years of only allowing myself to masturbate outdoors, it’s nice to finally feel relaxed enough to jerk off inside, just like I…Read more...
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on (#609ZF)
European Union officials have agreed to mandate a single mobile charging port for new mobile phones, tablets, and cameras, designed to cut waste and make life easier for consumers by having the same USB-C port on multiple devices. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#607EF)
THE OCEANS—Claiming the underwater explorers were wrongfully placed behind bars, the world’s great white sharks called Monday for the immediate release of all caged scuba divers. “These poor divers, who are held frightened and alone in these tiny cages, must be set free without delay,” said great white spokes-shark…Read more...
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on (#605P5)
An Iditarod sled dog was found safe after disappearing from a checkpoint in the race three months ago and covering nearly 150 miles. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#605P4)
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Listening and attempting to be respectful as her patient outlined her most recently sexual activity, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Patty Walsh clarified Thursday that she didn’t actually have to hear about any foot stuff. “As a female reproductive specialist, I absolutely do need to learn your…Read more...
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on (#605P3)
JACKSON, MS—In an effort to make sure all patients understood the severity of the procedure, Mississippi passed a new waiting period law Thursday requiring all abortion seekers to spend the night in a creepy old house on the hill. “That house, the old Taylor house, that’s where any woman who wants an abortion will…Read more...
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on (#6050W)
Vice President Harris touted $1.9 billion in new investments from the private sector to address root causes of migration driving people out of Central America. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#604NB)
MOUNT STERLING, KY—Saying she appeared to have purchased her ticket solely for the self-contained chemical toilets, witnesses told reporters Wednesday that Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival attendee Angelica Brichford, who was spotted beelining it for the porta potties, must have come specifically to see them. “The…Read more...
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on (#6049V)
OUTWOOD, ENGLAND—Questioning where her 65-year career on stage and screen had gone wrong, actress Judi Dench reportedly wondered aloud Wednesday why she had never become more of a gay icon. “Sure, I’ve had a gay fan or two tell me they appreciated my performance in Chocolat, but it’s not like you ever see my name…Read more...
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on (#602X5)
MILWAUKEE—Moving along at a leisurely pace as they looked up to admire the vibrant blue sky, Milwaukee Fire Department personnel reportedly decided to walk to their fire Tuesday since it was so beautiful out. “We might arrive a little later, but what’s important is we enjoy ourselves along the way—you only get so many…Read more...
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on (#60233)
New York passed legislation to ban anyone under age 21 from buying or possessing a semi-automatic rifle, a major change to state firearm laws pushed through less than three weeks after an 18-year-old used one of the guns to kill 10 people at a supermarket in Buffalo. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#601KS)
Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating her Platinum Jubilee to honor her 70 years as the queen of England. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the royal Platinum Jubilee.Read more...
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on (#5ZYZS)
Genetic testing has revealed that an underwater field of seagrass off the coast of Australia is a single organism covering 70 square miles, making the plant, which grows by repeatedly cloning itself, the largest on Earth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZYZR)
Don’t kill us, Disney adults. Some of this shit was pretty fucking bad. Here are the most problematic Disney attractions that had to be redesigned.Read more...
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on (#5ZYZQ)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these…Read more...
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on (#5ZYZN)
ANAHEIM, CA—With baseball experts and fans alike agreeing that a player of his abilities hadn’t been seen in the major leagues for a century, comparisons of Shohei Ohtani to the legendary Babe Ruth reportedly continued to grow Thursday after the hammered Los Angeles Angel ate 53 hot dogs. “Simply put, Ohtani is the…Read more...
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on (#5ZYBM)
The licensing company that controls the use of Elvis Presley’s name and image has ordered Las Vegas chapel operators to stop using Elvis in themed ceremonies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZXVB)
TULSA—In the days following a violent rampage in Oklahoma in which a lone attacker killed four individuals in addition to himself, and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the…Read more...
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on (#5ZXN8)
After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5ZXNA)
NEW YORK—Cackling with glee as a violent storm swirled in the skies above, Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson announced plans Thursday to kill all human sperm via a giant, lightning-powered IUD mounted atop the organization’s headquarters. “Ha ha, ha ha! With this device, I will finally harness the…Read more...
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on (#5ZXNB)
Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.
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on (#5ZXNC)
LOS ANGELES—Confirming that the agency wanted to set realistic expectations for what it could accomplish, Donda Sports officials told reporters Thursday that they had set a modest goal of only ruining a few athletes’ careers in their first year. “The best way to get this business off the ground is to start small and…Read more...
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on (#5ZXKK)
According to a new report, orders for workplace robots have increased by 40% in the first three months of 2022 amid a labor shortage in the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZXKH)
ARLINGTON, VA—Killing time between major combat operations, bored staff at the Defense Department spent an afternoon bombing empty cans off the fence out back behind the Pentagon, U.S. military sources reported Thursday. “Things have been a bit slow since we pulled out of Afghanistan, so we thought we’d crack open a…Read more...
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on (#5ZWHZ)
JERUSALEM—In an astounding find that experts say offers a look at the intimate home life of Jesus of Nazareth, a team of archaeologists announced Wednesday they had uncovered the ancient Big Dog shirt that Christ wore to sleep in. “The discovery of this XL Big Dog shirt that Jesus Christ wore to bed confirms the …Read more...
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on (#5ZW7G)
Massachusetts lawmakers have formally exonerated Elizabeth Johnson Jr., clearing her name 329 years after she was convicted of witchcraft in 1693 and sentenced to death at the height of the Salem Witch Trials. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZVGG)
Pay for CEOs who run the biggest U.S. companies soared 17.1% in 2021, up to a median of $14.5 million. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZVBH)
Guns may be legally wed after 16 years of ownership.Read more...
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on (#5ZQBA)
After six weeks of constant analysis and content, the verdict is in: We are as a people simply too impatient, stupid, and psychologically stunted to be discussing this trial at all.Read more...
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on (#5ZQBB)
VATICAN CITY—In what theologians are describing as a giant step forward in divine surgery, a team of Vatican scientists successfully transplanted a pig soul into a human for the first time in church history, sources within the Holy See reported Friday. “We were in prayer for more than eight hours, but we’re pleased to…Read more...
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