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on (#5ZQ5H)
NASHVILLE, TN—Determined not to let a lack of available substances prevent him from executing an inmate on death row, desperate Tennessee judge Gary Hargreave was reportedly making lethal-injection drugs in a courthouse toilet Friday. “It’s not ideal, but we’re going to execute that guy one way or another,” said…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 07:00 |
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on (#5ZQ00)
HOUSTON—Addressing the massacre that occurred at an elementary school in the state only three days earlier, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre told attendees at the organization’s annual meeting Friday that mass shootings could be perfectly safe when carried out by a trained, responsible gun owner. “By…Read more...
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on (#5ZPZZ)
HOUSTON—Shouting with glee and jostling each other to get a better spot, the audience at the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting reportedly burst into applause Friday as a gunman massacred the entire crowd. “Woo! Shoot us all!” multiple spectators were heard to yell as the armed assailant, believed to be…Read more...
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on (#5ZPZY)
A Tennessee law going into effect July 1 will make camping on local public property a felony, threatening the homeless people who camp in parks with a punishment of up to six years in prison and the loss of voting rights. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZPZX)
PROVO, UT—Sensing something “wasn’t quite right” about the public restroom, local woman Selena Kimball was reportedly suspicious there was a hidden camera present Thursday after noticing a boom mic operator in the corner. “I’m not a paranoid person, but every hair on my body stood up as soon as I heard someone yell…Read more...
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on (#5ZP8H)
UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside the nation. “Oh my God, run, run for your lives, someone in the…Read more...
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on (#5ZP8J)
UVALDE, TX—In an expression of gratitude for keeping the community’s beloved stretch of asphalt safe, tearful Uvalde residents thanked law enforcement Thursday for protecting Robb Elementary School’s parking lot from a gunman. “To the brave officers who heroically stood outside the school to defend this pavement…Read more...
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on (#5ZP8K)
Hyundai is recalling 239,000 cars in the U.S., saying the seat belt pretensioners can explode upon deployment and send shrapnel throughout the vehicle, injuring vehicle occupants. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZP31)
It’s disgusting to imagine, but Americans take around 10 billion trips on public transit each year. Here are the things that people hate most about public transportation.Read more...
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on (#5ZNTP)
With more states passing laws that limit or outlaw abortion, a leaked Supreme Court document proposing to overturn Roe v. Wade has prompted a firestorm of debate and controversy. The Onion sifts through the many reflections published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile takes on the…Read more...
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on (#5ZNTS)
AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging the realities of public opinion following another mass shooting in his state, Texas governor Greg Abbott admitted Thursday that it was probably not a good time to reveal his new machine gun legs, according to sources in his office. “Goddamn it, of all the weeks for this to happen,” said…Read more...
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on (#5ZNTT)
WASHINGTON—In a press conference addressing the community of Uvalde, TX, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly urged those affected Thursday to get their crying done now because he wouldn’t be passing shit. “Go ahead and shed some tears, trot out the families of the victims, do whatever the fuck…Read more...
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on (#5ZNNF)
A CDC report found that births in the United States rose for the first time in seven years, with experts suggesting that postponed pregnancies due to the pandemic or changes in access to contraceptives could have influenced 2021 birth rates. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZME2)
More couples are opting to have a friend or family member officiate a wedding rather than a member of the clergy, but that can put pressure on the officiant to make sure the ceremony goes smoothly. The Onion offers helpful tips for officiating a wedding.
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on (#5ZMC3)
NEW YORK—In response to widespread condemnation over several recent leaks, the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen reportedly issued an apology Tuesday for the organization’s gruesome experiments on beans. “We make no excuses for the horrific treatment our chefs inflicted on hundreds of thousands of cannellini beans, kidney…Read more...
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on (#5ZKN5)
WASHINGTON—With the disclosure of widespread abuse threatening to undermine communities of faith across the nation, sources confirmed Tuesday that religion had once again been rocked by something or other having to do with molestation. “Thousands of American churches are reeling in the wake of a bunch more sexual…Read more...
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on (#5ZKJE)
Louisiana Sen. Bill Cassidy is under fire after arguing that the state’s poor maternal mortality rate is only an “outlier” because of the high proportion of Black women, who are four times more likely to die during pregnancy than white women, and that the rate would be more standand if the numbers were corrected for…Read more...
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on (#5ZJZG)
CHICAGO—Pledging to loudly discuss the desirability of women’s breasts no matter the personal cost, the nation’s male bus strangers announced plans Tuesday to show each other pictures of swimsuit models on their phones. “We will reach over several visibly uncomfortable passengers to show each other photos on our…Read more...
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on (#5ZJ3J)
U.S. Officials have confirmed the country’s first two cases of monkeypox, a rare but potentially serious illness causing flu-like symptoms and rashes that lead to painful pustules on the body, recent outbreaks of which have already been reported in 12 countries. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZHPT)
WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like a poor person. “Even after all these years of running for office, nothing gets my juices going…Read more...
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on (#5ZHMG)
SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company’s overwhelmingly white culture presented “a continuing challenge,” cloud solutions provider Ultraa announced a new diversity initiative Monday that encouraged employees to lie about their race. “Here at Ultraa, we are very serious about our vision of an open and inclusive…Read more...
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on (#5ZHMF)
Scientists have identified more than 3,000 potentially harmful chemicals that can be found in food packaging, tableware, and reusable food containers, two thirds of which were not previously known to be in contact with food. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZHME)
CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told reporters Monday that he realized his fear of committing to AirPods stemmed from nothing more than his fear of one day losing them. “I think I’m so wrapped up in trying to avoid the pain of loss that I’m not…Read more...
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on (#5ZHMD)
SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban overplanner Gary Wilkins told reporters he had issued minute-by-minute daily schedules Monday for each of Seattle’s residents. “Alright Seattle, pay attention, because I’ve spent the past few months…Read more...
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on (#5ZHMC)
BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter. “I know the science is iffy, but I want to make sure I’m doing everything I possibly can,” said Dobson, who held a…Read more...
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on (#5ZFG8)
KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn…Read more...
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on (#5ZFG9)
NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. “The NYPD has apprehended Carlos ‘The…Read more...
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on (#5ZFE1)
LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a…Read more...
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on (#5ZFBG)
The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.”Read more...
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on (#5ZF6J)
BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the…Read more...
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on (#5ZF6K)
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a “multi-platform entertainment franchise” that focuses on human feats rather than animal acts. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZEXY)
Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation’s most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career.
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on (#5ZE6P)
Madison Cawthorn, the youngest member of Congress, has lost his seat in the Republican primary for North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District after a deluge of scandals involving run-ins with the law, sexual innuendo, and claims about Republican orgies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZE2S)
CANNES, FRANCE—Showered with praise for pulling off the spectacular feat, blockbuster actor Tom Cruise received a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival Wednesday when he arrived for the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with a cartwheel. “Wow, how does he do it? This is why he’s a movie star,” said festival…Read more...
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on (#5ZDM3)
BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid unveiled a new countertop food truck Thursday for ordering street tacos from the convenience of one’s home. “With KitchenAid’s new countertop food truck, home cooks of any level can open their cabinet, place an…Read more...
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on (#5ZDHC)
MEDFORD, MA—With its groundbreaking new research into what causes acute episodes of panic, a study published Thursday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has established a link between severe anxiety and holding the broken halves of mother’s favorite vase as the doorknob turns. “Our data show that high…Read more...
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on (#5ZDHA)
Snapchat CEO and co-founder Evan Spiegel and his wife, supermodel Miranda Kerr, who were keynote speakers at this year’s graduation ceremony for Otis College of Art and Design, made donations to repay over $10 million in student loan debt for the school’s newest graduates. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZCJM)
The U.S. is in the midst of a significant shortage of infant formula, with over 40% of expected supplies currently out of stock, leading to concerns about infant health and outrage from parents. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the infant formula shortage.
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on (#5ZCFT)
WAUKESHA, WI—Reminding himself that forgiveness was above all a gift to himself, enlightened 8-year-old Trevor Brandt reportedly realized Wednesday that chasing a vendetta was no way to spend his entire bumper car ride. “Sure, I could go and smash into that kid’s car in retribution, but God only gave me so long on…Read more...
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on (#5ZCFJ)
The most catastrophic pandemic in a generation, Covid-19 has left many millions dead and even more infected. Could those who have managed to avoid the virus provide us with clues to how we might contain such pathogens in the future? The Onion asked those who haven’t had the virus to explain how they avoided it for…Read more...
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