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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 03:30 |
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on (#61JCE)
“I think we’re rushing in before we even really know what electricity is.”Read more...
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on (#61JCF)
NEW YORK—Requesting an immediate explanation for this outrage, a report released Tuesday demanded which one of you ungrateful fucks clicked unsubscribe. “Seriously? After everything we’ve done for you, this is how you repay us?” read the report in part, begging whoever had the gall to remove themselves from the…Read more...
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on (#61JCG)
HOLLAND, MI—In an effort to emphasize a few important house rules, Airbnb host Gale Larsen reportedly sent her renters a friendly reminder Tuesday to avoid using or touching anything on the property. “Just want to make sure you’re aware of a few rules: the interior areas of the house—including the bedrooms, bathrooms,…Read more...
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on (#61JAX)
WASHINGTON—In what has been hailed as a pragmatic decision amid widespread acknowledgment that its mission had become futile, the Environmental Protection Agency announced it had shut down Tuesday after running out of salvageable environment to protect. “At this point, there’s really nothing we can do about any of it,…Read more...
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on (#61HKZ)
Texts sent between U.S. Secret Service agents on Jan. 5 and 6 of 2021 were erased after the agency’s oversight body sought the communications in a review into the Capitol attack, which they claim occurred as part of a device replacement program. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61HBQ)
WASHINGTON—Scrambling for how to respond to the incumbent potentially topping their ticket again, party operatives confided to reporters Monday that Democrats across the nation were extremely worried President Biden would be healthy enough to seek reelection in 2024. “Whether you’re talking to senior party leaders,…Read more...
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on (#61H94)
“Why don’t they just move into their parents’ guest house?”Read more...
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on (#61H96)
NEW YORK—Declaring that he was always looking for ways to impair the fan experience, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Monday that he was open to any ideas to make the All-Star Game worse this year. “I’m the first to agree that baseball is still a work in progress, and my door is always…Read more...
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on (#61H98)
FORT MILL, SC—Hoping to make some extra cash before the start of a new school year, local 15-year-old Evan Solis confirmed Monday that he had landed a summer job as a therapist at the online mental health services provider BetterHelp. “It’s fine, I guess; I mowed lawns last summer, and that sucked ass,” said Solis,…Read more...
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Archaeologists Theorize England’s Mysterious Big Ben Monument Originally Constructed To Measure Time
on (#61H97)
LONDON—Archaeologists excavating a site around the iconic monument theorized Monday that England’s mysterious Big Ben might have originally been constructed to measure time. “For generations, we have speculated upon the purpose of this enigmatic monolith, but we’re now reasonably certain that it was created as a sort…Read more...
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on (#61EJZ)
RACINE, WI—Touting the cleaning product’s dual use on both beings from parallel pockets of existence and the spirit world, SC Johnson introduced a new Windex formula Friday for removing menacing apparitions from the mirror. “There’s nothing more off-putting than a dirty mirror covered with streaks and a shadowy,…Read more...
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on (#61EK0)
A 23-year-old American tourist in Italy survived a fall into the crater of Mount Vesuvius, the 4,000-foot-tall volcano that destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii, as he tried reaching for his phone to take a selfie. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61EK2)
NEW YORK—Offering relief to consumers after months of feeling the squeeze, gas prices across the nation reportedly fell Friday after a single nod was issued from a figure at the head of a table in a shadowy boardroom. According to sources, the curt, nearly imperceptible motion set off a wave of low whispers and a…Read more...
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on (#61DZY)
John Bolton, former national security adviser, said in a recent interview that it was wrong to call Trump’s attempt to stay in power a coup, citing his own experience planning coup attempts in other countries. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61DXP)
BEIJING—Addressing the National People’s Congress about the pressing need to drastically lower standards, President Xi Jinping worried Thursday that the United States was outpacing China on poorly functioning low-speed trains. “If something is not done quickly, China risks falling hopelessly behind America in the…Read more...
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on (#61DXQ)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these…Read more...
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on (#61DNV)
WASHINGTON—Worrying that a plummeting approval rating may be clouding the president’s judgment, White House aides reportedly expressed concern Thursday that low poll numbers could drive Joe Biden to do something drastically popular. “Frankly, we’re extremely worried that these low poll numbers could be leading the…Read more...
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on (#61DFR)
Jesus, it’s like you have to do everything for them.Read more...
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on (#61D94)
DENVER, NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, CHICAGO, HOUSTON—Approximately 330 million Americans were reportedly affected by a sudden loss of visibility Thursday morning when a vacationing woman’s big floppy hat plunged the nation into darkness. Sources confirmed that the near-total blackout began in the Denver area around 11:15…Read more...
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on (#61D95)
BALTIMORE—Highlighting the product’s strength and versatility, a new television commercial from industrial tool manufacturer DeWalt demonstrates how efficiently one of the company’s popular power saws can rip through a human rib cage. “The XR Power Detect cordless circular saw from DeWalt can cut through just about…Read more...
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on (#61CM1)
Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra announced that healthcare providers must provide abortions in medical emergencies under law and will face penalties if they decline to offer the procedure, saying that federal law preempts state abortion bans. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61CEZ)
WASHINGTON—A new nationwide poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center reportedly found that the majority of American voters wish President Joe Biden was way older. “Our data revealed that an overwhelming number of participants want Joe Biden to be an inexplicably decrepit, shriveled husk who is so old that…Read more...
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on (#61C0P)
World’s wealthiest person Elon Musk recently announced he is terminating a $44 billion deal to buy social media site Twitter, the latest development in a highly contentious months-long purchase process. The Onion looks at key moments in the timeline of Musk’s bid to buy Twitter.
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on (#61BZ9)
A California doctor is proposing a floating abortion clinic in the Gulf of Mexico as a way to maintain access for people in southern states where abortion bans have been enacted, offering first trimester surgical abortion in federal waters outside the reach of state laws. What do you think?Read more...
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Dumbass Widow Apparently Thinks Little Handful Of Dirt Thrown On Coffin All It Takes To Bury Husband
on (#61BYM)
SPRINGFIELD, MA—Questioning exactly how she intended to put the dead to rest with such a weak effort, sources confirmed Wednesday that dumbass widow Lilith Frampton apparently thought a little handful of dirt thrown on her husband’s coffin would be all that it took to bury him. “Seriously? Did she really think that…Read more...
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on (#61AHZ)
A Nashville hot dog eatery is offering customers a free milkshake for showing a doctor’s note as proof of having had a vasectomy in a promotion inspired by the overturning of Roe v. Wade and offered as an incentive for having the birth control procedure. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61AHM)
PEABODY, MA—Admitting that he just wasn’t feeling that adventurous these days, lazy bird watcher Mark Edgar told reporters Tuesday that he’d rather just watch a bird that he’s already seen. “Sure, I get that I should check out some bird I’ve never seen before, maybe one of those birds everyone is talking about like…Read more...
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on (#61AHN)
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Finally implementing a prototype that customers have been requesting for years, Uber Eats added a new feature Tuesday that lets users purposely order wrong items so they can scream at delivery drivers. “People need to blow off steam after a long day at the office, and we’ve developed tech that…Read more...
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on (#61AFK)
Recent polls show that trust in the Supreme Court has continued to erode since Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization overturned a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they have lost faith in the highest court in the land, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#619RC)
Elon Musk says he is terminating his $44 billion agreement to purchase Twitter, claiming failure to comply with the merger agreement, with Twitter now planning on taking legal action to enforce the deal. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6199E)
“Ruined my chance to drop out of college to work a minimum-wage job so I could barely be able to support a family.”Read more...
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on (#61996)
NEW YORK—Explaining that he liked to break up big killing sprees into individual, easier-to-manage murders, local hit man Dan Horn told reporters Monday that he always felt more motivated to commit homicide when he made a to-do list and crossed off each name when the job was done. “Having that piece of paper in my…Read more...
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on (#6197K)
Fox News host Tucker Carlson claimed that one contributing factor in young men committing mass shootings is women “lecturing” men about “their so-called privilege,” which he says leads to an “unhealthier, unhappier life” for men. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61961)
BELLEVUE, WA—Complaining that he had been stuck in his playroom all morning with nothing small to grab, bored infant Oliver Roland confirmed Monday that he wished he had something to choke on. “God, I would kill for a penny right now,” said Roland, who had attempted to choke himself on his own fist three or four times…Read more...
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on (#6179S)
Testimonies given to the House committee investigating the January 6, 2021 Capitol riot have brought new information to light about what happened that day, including the involvement of then-President Donald Trump. The Onion offers a graphical primer to understanding how the January 6 riot unfolded.Read more...
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on (#6177T)
WASHINGTON—Stunned by the assassination of former Japanese leader Shinzo Abe, millions of Americans were reportedly left wondering Friday what it would be like if someone got shot in the United States. “I just don’t know if we could take it psychologically if somebody, anybody was killed with a gun,” said 47-year-old…Read more...
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on (#6175D)
RIDGELAND, MS—Frustrated by the “weird faces” her children always made whenever they spotted a mass shooter, local mother Jennifer Church told reporters Friday that she wanted just one nice vacation photo where the family was not running from gunfire. “One nice picture with everybody smiling and looking at the camera…Read more...
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on (#615EQ)
A new hangover pill, Myrkl, that claims to help drinkers “wake up feeling refreshed” by accelerating the breakdown of alcohol in the gut before it reaches the liver if taken at least one hour before alcohol consumption, has launched in the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#614V3)
California will become the first state to guarantee free healthcare for all low-income undocumented immigrants living in the country, a move that will provide coverage for an additional 764,000 people at an eventual cost of about $2.7 billion a year. What do you think?Read more...
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