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on (#614RZ)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was no longer the nation’s head of state and that he believed it was important to establish appropriate boundaries, former President Barack Obama asked the United States of America to stop contacting him Wednesday. “Look, I’ve moved on with my life, and it’s time you moved on with yours,”…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 03:30 |
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on (#614E8)
DENTON, TX—Stating that a person never knows when they’ll need a sword, area man Stanley Castillo told reporters Wednesday that he recently bought a sword in case he ever needs a sword. “You don’t want to be caught without a sword when you need a sword, which is why I bought this sword,” said Castillo, explaining that…Read more...
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on (#6144Z)
A huge mass of used wet wipes flushed down toilets has formed an “island” the size of two tennis courts in the Thames in London, causing the river as it flows through the city to change course. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#613JX)
Minnesota passed a bill legalizing hemp-derived THC edibles and beverages for people 21 and over, with some Republican lawmakers saying later they misunderstood the bill and thought it only applied to milder, delta-8 THC products, which are already allowed under federal law. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#613JY)
BENTONVILLE, AR—In a toxic cycle of physical abuse that is said to have persisted for years, sources reported Tuesday that violent local man Phil Darnip always begged for his wall’s forgiveness after hitting it. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again, I promise,” Darnip said after a recent domestic incident with…Read more...
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on (#6132Y)
WASHINGTON—In a finding that sheds light on the nationwide response to the ongoing inflation crisis, a Gallup poll released Tuesday revealed that Americans would endure at least 150 million dead in exchange for cheaper burrito bowls. “Yeah, it’s not a great outcome, but a lot of people die from stuff every day, so I’d…Read more...
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on (#6132Z)
The recent Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision to overturn Roe v. Wade has shed light on a stark partisan divide on a woman’s right to choose. Here are what conservatives across the country are saying about why they oppose abortion rights.Read more...
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on (#612HN)
HIGHLAND PARK, IL—In the hours following a violent rampage in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured more than two dozen at a Fourth of July parade, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to …Read more...
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on (#611ZX)
LANCASTER, PA—In an effort to ensure the Fourth of July event ran smoothly, local woman Stephen Lien reportedly requested Monday that guests attending the potluck he was hosting bring something that everyone could blow up. “Whether it’s a entire sheet cake or a pack of plastic cups, it’d be great if everyone pitched…Read more...
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on (#611XW)
“Any employee in our red state distribution facilities will be given up to five minutes to cross state lines and find the nearest abortion provider before returning to work.”Read more...
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on (#611XV)
The Fourth of July marks our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?Read more...
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on (#611XX)
CHICAGO—Expressing both disgust with and envy of the woman’s advantageous upbringing, local 27-year-old Sierra Berg told reporters Monday that wealthy friend Andrea Lockwood would not last one day as upper middle class. “Growing up, she went to some ritzy private high school that cost $60,000 a year—that’s almost as…Read more...
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on (#611XY)
NEW YORK—Waiting expectantly for his friends to shower him in admiration, local man Eric Banks reportedly thought his guests would be more impressed with the fact that he got his couch for free, apartment sources confirmed Monday. “I told them I got it off the street, and they just kind of nodded and started talking…Read more...
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on (#611XZ)
HOT SPRINGS, AR—Shocked by the healthcare professional’s refusal to fill her prescription, local woman Claire Murphy was reportedly denied birth control pills Tuesday on the grounds that the pharmacist was her son from the future. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but for moral and ethical reasons, I cannot give you a prescription…Read more...
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on (#611WD)
WASHINGTON—Claiming he wanted to shout their accomplishments from the hilltops, CIA agent Harvey Rose reportedly wished he could brag about how well America’s secret war with Bolivia was going, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I hate that it has to be so confidential, because I really want to boast about how we are…Read more...
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on (#611WC)
LOS ANGELES—Declaring that fans would “never again” see a comparable player or prices, Skip Bayless reminded viewers Monday that gas never hit $5 per gallon during the Michael Jordan era. “When Jordan captured his first title, you could fill up your entire car for $19—I’m talking the entire tank for under 20 bucks,”…Read more...
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on (#611W0)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Expressing that she wished the 48-year-old man would simply take the time to learn her petting preferences, local dog Pumpkin reported Monday that she could immediately tell exactly how her owner’s previous dog liked to be touched. “It’s not bad, but it’s just painfully obvious that he’s recycling…Read more...
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on (#60ZWW)
Urologists say that men are rushing to get vasectomies in the wake of abortion bans in several states, with some clinics seeing a 300% to 400% spike in people looking to receive consultations for the reversible male sterilization procedure. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60ZTP)
Cassidy Hutchinson, an aide to then-President Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, testified this week before the House committee investigating the January 6 riots, offering new information about the actions of Trump and his inner circle that day. The Onion answers crucial questions about who Cassidy Hutchinson is…Read more...
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on (#60ZN9)
WASHINGTON—Saying the ambitious new project would be a historic, once-in-a-generation leap forward in the annals of space exploration, NASA announced Friday its plan to put the moon on Mars by 2040. “Ever since we first sent a man to the moon half a century ago, the American people have been waiting for us to take the…Read more...
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on (#60ZN8)
LOS ANGELES—In stunning footage that for the first time reveals the full range of the plant kingdom’s nocturnal behaviors, a new documentary released Friday has confirmed the long-held theory that flowers obtain their food by hunting at night. “We’ve always suspected that flowers stalk their prey when its dark and…Read more...
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on (#60Z9S)
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Lamenting that it would never again be able to relish the game as it was intended, the nation reportedly admitted Friday that it was unable to enjoy baseball without dozens of pitchers hitting .124. “How am I supposed to find these games interesting without the ninth batter being some overmatched…Read more...
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on (#60YFD)
NEW YORK—In an effort to raise awareness of the medical procedure after the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade, Sesame Workshop released a public service announcement Thursday on preventing unwanted pregnancies that featured Elmo receiving a vasectomy. “There was a little pinch, but that was okay,” said Elmo,…Read more...
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on (#60YEZ)
WASHINGTON—Noting a palpable shift in the group’s attitude since the last time they met, Supreme Court justice Amy Coney Barrett expressed concern Thursday that the rest of the women in her feminist book club were mad at her about something. “Everyone keeps giving me the cold shoulder, and I can’t for the life of me…Read more...
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on (#60Y16)
While Independence Day can be a time of patriotic celebration, reports show many Americans still believe myths and outright lies about the origins of the national holiday. Here are the biggest lies Americans are taught about the Fourth of July.Read more...
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on (#60XZ9)
In most U.S. states, pharmacists are legally allowed to deny healthcare to customers if it interferes with their personal or religious beliefs. Here are completely legal reasons pharmacists can give to refuse dispensing birth control.Read more...
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on (#60XZA)
Airbnb is permanently banning all parties and events at host properties around the world, which includes open-invite gatherings, while offering a tip line that allows neighbors or others to report parties. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60X4W)
With gas prices skyrocketing, many Americans are debating the causes. As with most things, many Americans are completely fucking wrong, so The Onion created an easy graphical representation that breaks down what’s driving gas prices higher.Read more...
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on (#60X75)
Many of America’s lesser newsrooms have recently grappled with setting guidelines for reporters’ use of social media, wary of staffers expressing their personal beliefs and compromising their credibility in the eyes of the public. America’s Finest News Source is no different, and in the spirit of transparency, we are…Read more...
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on (#60WZE)
SIERRA BLANCA, TX—Expressing annoyance that the detainee did not even appear to be making the effort, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Jonathan Pena confirmed Wednesday that a migrant in his custody could at least weep in English. “You may be detained in squalid conditions, but you’re in squalid…Read more...
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on (#60WWC)
JOHNSTOWN, OH—In a devastating surgical disaster of cataclysmic proportions, a local hospital was vaporized Wednesday by a massive, uncontainable blast of energy released from the splitting of conjoined twins. “We saw a bright flashing light, and then felt a shock wave that reverberated for miles,” said local…Read more...
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on (#60WJX)
Many are concerned about Joe Biden’s physical and mental fitness to serve another presidential term. The Onion asked Americans if Biden should run again, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#60WJY)
According to a new study, people who received at least one influenza vaccine were 40% less likely than their non-vaccinated peers to develop Alzheimer’s disease over the course of four years. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60WK0)
ANAHEIM—Earning looks of incredulity and pity from fans at his breathtaking stupidity, a dumbass kid bringing a mitt to a Major League Baseball game reportedly must think he’s actually going to play. “Yeah, they’re definitely going to glance into the upper deck and sign this 60-pound kid to come man shortstop because…Read more...
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on (#60V9Q)
On June 24, 2022, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, ending the constitutional right to abortion in the United States. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about the decision, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#60V9R)
COLUMBUS, OH—Calling the man she had been casually dating for the past few weeks “an unbelievable catch,” local 29-year-old Colleen Ridgley told reporters Tuesday that learning single dad Drew Abrams had lost custody of his kids only made him that much more appealing. “Wow, just when I thought Drew couldn’t get any…Read more...
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on (#60V7W)
TEMPE, AZ—Vowing to go above and beyond to impress his abductors, local man Nate Hahn expressed hope Tuesday that a nicely dug grave would get him back in his captors’ good graces. “I know we kind of started off on the wrong foot, but if I can just get this burial plot absolutely perfect, I’m sure I can win my…Read more...
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on (#60V7X)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a development state officials attributed to a record-low percentage of students being born into two-white-parent households, a study released Tuesday found that a majority of Florida schoolchildren were unable to pass even a rudimentary test of racial purity. “It’s no secret that racial purity…Read more...
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