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on (#5Q7HS)
NEW YORK—Shoving passersby and street vendors out of the way as he maintained a hot pursuit, biologist Luke Thompkins was reportedly chasing an invasive moth species Friday through a crowded Chinatown marketplace. “Stop that moth! It’s already ravaged dozens of local tree populations!” the Columbia University ecology…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 19:00 |
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on (#5Q7HT)
Since Disney World opened on October 1, 1971, it has become the most visited vacation resort in the world, with nearly 60 million annual visitors. The Onion looks back at key moments in the theme park’s 50-year history.
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on (#5Q5A2)
TUCSON, AZ—Stating it “just didn’t add up,” the U.S. populace told reporters Wednesday that they didn’t understand how someone as cool as Kyrsten Sinema could fight for corporate interests. “She’s really someone who has it all—a winning personality, a killer sense of style—so I was really shocked when I found out…Read more...
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on (#5Q4PA)
It’s one of the toughest decisions as a pet owner you’ll ever have to make, but sometimes, it’s actually very easy. Here are some important signs that could mean it’s time to rehome your dog.Read more...
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on (#5Q4EH)
The number of murders in the United States jumped by nearly 30% in 2020 compared to the previous year, in the largest single-year increase ever recorded in the country. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q4EF)
“Of course, the Dodgers have to be considered the favorites, but too many people are overlooking the Mets only because they suck hard and won’t make the playoffs.”Read more...
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on (#5Q3EZ)
WASHINGTON—In a maneuver that experts suggest could represent a significant setback for the legislative ambitions of Democrats, the GOP reportedly stalled an upcoming government funding bill Tuesday by detonating fifty tons of C-4 explosives inside the Capitol building. “This was a make-or-break week for Democrats,…Read more...
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on (#5Q20T)
Netflix has paid $686 million for the rights to British author Roald Dahl’s entire catalogue, giving the platform the ability to develop such stories as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Matilda, and James And The Giant Peach. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q1XJ)
There’s an actual 9-inch hole in your chest, but maybe you don’t have to bother with all that ER rigmarole if you’ve already got the cure in your spice rack.
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on (#5Q1NG)
SALEM, OR—Bemoaning their fates as the brief distraction came closer to its inevitable end, the U.S. populace announced Monday that they don’t have anything left to enjoy once a lavender-scented candle burns out. “Man, it was really nice when I first lit the candle—I liked the match part, especially—but now I’m…Read more...
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on (#5Q1FK)
New reports show that Alabama had more deaths than births in 2020, with 64,714 residents dying and only 57,641 born, a first since the state started keeping records that officials attribute directly to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q0QQ)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Clutching his thigh and screaming in pain in hopes of willing his hamstring into being torn, Jaguars corner Shaquill Griffin was praying Sunday that his injury would be season ending. “The doctor was smiling as they carted me off the field; I hope he was just doing that to make me feel better,” said…Read more...
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on (#5PZ28)
New Zealand officials are in talks with fast food brands like KFC and Taco Bell to offer customers Covid-19 vaccines while they wait in line for their meals in an effort to boost vaccination rates and avoid future lockdowns. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PYV5)
It’s already creepy enough you’re looking for love on the internet. Don’t make it worse by opening a conversation with the following lines.Read more...
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on (#5PX7S)
Double Fine’s latest release is a top contender for game of the year, and if you haven’t gotten your hands on a copy yet, you now have one less excuse! That’s right, gamers, the thumb drive we implanted behind your left eyeball contains a code for a free download of Psychonauts 2!Read more...
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on (#5PX7T)
Don’t just storm out of the office, spewing profanities at your boss. Always ask yourself the following questions before quitting your job.Read more...
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on (#5PWY3)
An Italian prisoner with links to the Neapolitan mafia shot at fellow inmates through the bars of their cell with a gun believed to have been smuggled into the prison by a drone, raising more concerns over the poor management of Italy’s cramped prisons. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PW83)
WASHINGTON—Noting that an ounce of concern for the enfranchisement of citizens was crucial to the system of government, a consortium of political theorists confirmed Wednesday that a functional democracy generally requires at least one party to care about voting rights. “If you start from the premise that a…Read more...
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on (#5PW2X)
Boris Johnson has finally admitted in an interview to having six children, a question previously dodged by the British prime minister, with an English court banning news organizations from reporting on a daughter from an extramarital affair. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PW0W)
ST. LOUIS—Saying she can’t remember the last time you visited during a lethal surge of the highly contagious virus, local unvaccinated mom Carol Napier asked Wednesday if you were planning to come home for Covid this year. “It would just be nice to have the whole family here so we could be together for a debilitating…Read more...
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on (#5PVZR)
WASHINGTON—Saying they would respond immediately to any actionable intelligence, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Wednesday that they would offer $100,000 to anyone who could tell them where all the love went. “We are calling on Americans to come forward with any leads pertaining to where that special…Read more...
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on (#5PVPT)
You may think you and your therapist have a confidentiality agreement, but the truth is, most medical professionals are known snitches. Should you tell them, your therapist is legally obligated to report the following things.Read more...
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on (#5PVN1)
CHICAGO—Urging readers to spread the message to friends and loved ones, a new study released Wednesday from the Zwiebel Center for Media Studies stressed that 99% won’t repost this article, but if you cared enough to read to the end, please share. “Incredibly, the vast majority of social media users will simply scroll…Read more...
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on (#5PTG7)
New York millionaire Robert Durst has been convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago after making damaging admissions in an HBO documentary that connected him to the slaying linked to his wife’s 1982 disappearance. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PT6C)
“‘Which knee is the bad one?’ I’ve been asked this a million times and the answer is always the same: I don’t know.”
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on (#5PTG8)
Having a landlord is one of the top signs that your landlord is taking advantage of you.Read more...
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on (#5PT34)
NEW YORK—Noting the numerous therapeutic benefits of cannabis, a new study published Tuesday by researchers at Mount Sinai Hospital found that marijuana ranks among the foremost treatments for persistent existence. “Many of our patients who incorporated marijuana into their daily routine experienced tremendous relief…Read more...
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on (#5PRE0)
Researchers used AI to study the career data of famous artists and found that a creative “hot streak” or artistic breakthrough is commonly the direct result of an experimental phase followed by a focus on one approach. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PNVN)
According to Johns Hopkins University data, about out of every 500 Americans have died from coronavirus since the nation’s first reported infection last year, with a current seven-day average of about 152,200 new Covid cases per day. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PNVP)
PRINCETON, NJ—With the entire evening now threatened by extremists, a lack of concrete dinner plans Friday left a power vacuum reportedly filled by radical pro-Tapas fanatics. “Without strong leadership deciding where to eat, those individuals pushing a rabid small plates agenda have taken on a troubling amount of…Read more...
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on (#5PNPB)
BALTIMORE—A new study released Friday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University revealed that the novel coronavirus Covid-19 was frequently fooled by fake vaccine cards. “We found that when presented with a counterfeit vaccination card, Covid-19 was unable to distinguish it from the real thing approximately 7 out of…Read more...
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on (#5PNM0)
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Concluding that it didn’t matter whether the car ride was five minutes down the block or 30 minutes down the highway, a new study published Thursday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that 86% of families were hoarse from screaming by the time they arrived at the outlet mall. “Our…Read more...
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on (#5PNPC)
REDWOOD CITY, CA—Touting it as the most realistic update to their long running “Franchise Mode,” EA Sports revealed Friday that the new “Owner Mode” options in Madden 22 allow players to customize the findings of their own concussion studies. “Not only do you have to manage the salary cap and have relationships with…Read more...
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on (#5PNM1)
Well, well, well, JRPG fans. Look where we find ourselves yet again. For years, you’ve tried to get Nintendo to re-release Earthbound, and, once more, they’ve callously spurned your pleas without a second thought. Time and again, your peaceful means of bringing about an updated version of the 1995 cult classic have…Read more...
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on (#5PNM2)
Dreams you are falling are very common and mean that even in your sleep, where there are no limits to the imagination, you are an unoriginal hack.Read more...
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