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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 20:45 |
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Birds Demand Natural History Museum Return Dinosaur Skeletons Plundered From Ancestral Resting Place
on (#5PBE1)
NEW YORK—In an effort to protect their cultural heritage, a group of activist birds held a press conference Wednesday demanding that the American Museum Of Natural History return the dinosaur skeletons that had been plundered from ancestral resting places. “It’s a disgrace that our forebears were dug up from their…Read more...
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on (#5PADA)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Drawing prompt backlash from activists for a complete lack of representation in leadership, the Taliban came under fire Wednesday for failing to include a diverse array of extremist perspectives in their government. “What sort of message is the Taliban sending to young extremists around the globe…Read more...
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on (#5PA8B)
Mexico’s Supreme Court has ruled unanimously that penalizing abortion is unconstitutional, a major victory for women’s health and human rights advocates in the conservative Catholic country, just as parts of the United States enact tougher laws against the practice. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PA6S)
Whoa, nice work, gamers! OGN is awarding you an extra hour of screen time tonight because you got such good grades!Read more...
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on (#5PA5D)
JENKS, OK—Calling for the swift and long-overdue removal of the 10-year-old from their property, a new report issued this week by officials from the Buechner household found that it was time for the neighbor kid to go home. “We’re going to be eating soon, and he can’t stay for dinner,” said 41-year-old Jonathan…Read more...
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on (#5PA17)
You know it’s time when they’re disrupting your daily routine not just once but twice a year.Read more...
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on (#5P9YJ)
PHILADELPHIA—Decrying a “softer” game that has players wearing shoes instead of playing in bare feet on a hay court, Charles Barkley took to local talk radio Wednesday to insist that modern NBA stars would not score more than 10 points per game in the tougher 1400s era. “There’s barely any contact in today’s game, but…Read more...
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on (#5P9YK)
Will Tom Brady run it back for an unthinkable 8th Super Bowl victory? Can the loaded Chiefs make up for last year’s Super Bowl upset? Can our football experts ask tons of obvious questions to mask the fact that nobody ever knows what the hell is going to happen before the start of the season? Here are Onion Sport’s…Read more...
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on (#5P8V3)
DALLAS, TX—Hoping to eventually escape the dreary and mundane utility space, a local folding chair in the basement of Antioch Church reportedly fantasized Tuesday about getting smashed over a professional wrestler’s back. “Someday I’ll get out of this damn basement and finally make the big time, being swung at an…Read more...
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on (#5P8V4)
NEW HAVEN, CT—Noting that the nation’s mental health crisis had left Americans more vulnerable than ever to profound bouts of anxiety and depression, a study published Tuesday found that a majority of the population was one disappointing sandwich away from a complete breakdown. “Our findings indicate that 61% of…Read more...
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on (#5P8N0)
PECOS, TX—Following a thorough evaluation to determine if he was eligible for early release, local inmate Gerald Franks, 60, was granted parole from Reeves County Detention Center Tuesday after the board determined he posed no threat to the prison’s bottom line. “Having spent two decades in the penal system, we feel…Read more...
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Mom About To Abandon Son In Target Reluctantly Turns Back After Hearing Name Called Over Loudspeaker
on (#5P8HY)
POTOMAC, MD—Mere steps away from the parking lot after moving quickly from the store’s toy department to its exit, local mother Tracey Wenton reportedly came to a dead stop Tuesday and reluctantly turned back for her son after hearing her name called over the loudspeaker at Target. “Goddamn it—I was so close,” said a…Read more...
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on (#5P885)
This kind of renovation is a massive undertaking, so don’t think you can knock it out in just one lunch break.Read more...
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on (#5P75Y)
Swedish supergroup ABBA has announced they will release their first new album in four decades and will stage a series of virtual concerts using digital avatars of themselves in London next year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P75X)
COLLEGE PARK, MD—After studying what went down and analyzing every potential outcome, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Maryland found that what you did back there took guts. “One thing’s for sure: You’ve got moxie in spades,” the report read in part, adding that it couldn’t have been easy,…Read more...
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on (#5P75W)
HOLLAND, MI—Stating her position unprompted during a commercial break for Jeopardy!, local mom Stephanie Waller announced Monday that she has no interest in getting a tattoo. “I don’t know why someone would want one of those in the first place,” Walters said to her entirely silent husband and 13-year-old son,…Read more...
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on (#5P4WF)
With many shows’ schedules affected by the coronavirus pandemic, the fall television slate includes a mixture of beloved shows returning to the air after delays as well as a host of new programs. The Onion looks at the most highly anticipated shows of fall 2020.
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on (#5P4TA)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the effects of climate change, federal authorities responded to rising sea levels by patting the East Coast with towels, sources confirmed Friday. “Now more than ever, it is important that we take action to protect our coastlines with ultra-absorbent linens,” said FEMA administrator…Read more...
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on (#5P4S5)
Podcast host Joe Rogan has revealed that he contracted Covid-19 and took a “kitchen sink” of proven and unproven treatments, including ivermectin, a veterinary dewormer that the FDA has warned people against using to treat the virus. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P4KA)
Your new relationship may seem perfect, but the reality is, the human brain is remarkably good at excusing egregious behavior while horny. Here are some major red flags you should definitely clock the second you start dating.Read more...
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on (#5P47V)
The Social Security trust fund most Americans rely on for their retirement will run out of money in 2034, one year sooner than expected, according to an annual government report that cites the Covid-19 pandemic and economic recession as major factors. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P3DT)
DES MOINES, IA—According to underwhelmed sources in attendance Thursday at Cartwright Middle School’s annual science fair, a lackluster project turned in by seventh-grader Benjamin Collins investigated a method by which a potato could be converted into a baked potato. “By applying heat to the subject, I found that an…Read more...
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on (#5P38C)
This should never happen, period.Read more...
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on (#5P35B)
AUSTIN, TX—In an ongoing effort to completely eliminate the right to an abortion in the state, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Thursday that allows private citizens to kidnap and detain any pregnant woman or girl until she reaches full term and gives birth. “The sanctity of life can only be preserved when every…Read more...
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on (#5P2RZ)
Researchers have found that about 20% of female white-necked jacobin hummingbirds studied in Panama have adopted male-like blue plumage instead of the green color typical of females, which they suspect helps them avoid being harassed by males. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P1ZH)
Bob Ross: Happy Accidents, Betrayal & Greed, a new documentary about the late painter and television personality, has caused controversy for some of the ways it depicts his family relationships and business dealings. The Onion looks at the biggest revelations from the new Bob Ross documentary.Read more...
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on (#5P1XR)
LOS ANGELES—Chilled by the inescapable parallels between the hit Hulu program and his own life, local man George Avery reported Wednesday that it was almost as though he were in an episode of The Handmaid’s Tale while standing next to Elisabeth Moss. “Jesus, I never thought I’d live to see the day that the dystopia of…Read more...
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on (#5P1TX)
China has set its harshest restriction on the gaming industry to date, banning children from playing online games for more than three hours a week, citing concerns that technology companies may have an outsized influence on society. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P1R5)
Buckle in, OGN readers, and get ready to hear some incisive commentary on the gaming industry, because this unknown reviewer standing in front of a wall of consoles, game art, and stuffed game-character plushies has immediately won our trust.
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on (#5P1R6)
QUETTA, PAKISTAN—Seeking to set the minds of Americans at ease as they prepared to commemorate the deadly act of terrorism, Al-Qaeda released a statement Wednesday reassuring the nation that a 9/11 anniversary attack would a little cheesy. “Frankly, it seems a bit on the nose for us to do another big terrorist…Read more...
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on (#5P1R7)
SALEM, OR—Stricken to the point of stupefaction, local man Sam Parkins reportedly short-circuited Wednesday after a cashier handed him his change, bag, and receipt all at the same time. Sources confirmed that Parkins appeared unable to process the simultaneous actions associated with putting away his various items,…Read more...
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on (#5P1QD)
AUSTIN, TX—In a milestone victory for the anti-abortion movement, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a new law this week that would offer private citizens $10,000 for the names of anyone they heard was a slut. “From the middle-aged woman on her second divorce to the 16-year-old girl making out with her boyfriend under…Read more...
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on (#5P1J0)
If someone feels nothing after losing a family member or friend, they are a psychopath, and you can say whatever you want. Otherwise, here are things you should never say to someone who is grieving.Read more...
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on (#5P171)
A judge has ordered a Michigan couple to pay their 43-year-old son $30,441 for throwing out his collection of pornographic films and magazines while he was temporarily staying with them after his divorce. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P0A7)
The European Union, which had been slowly reopening to American tourists since May, has now recommended that Americans should be banned from nonessential travel to its member states after a rise in Covid-19 cases in the United States. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NYM5)
NEW YORK—In a heartfelt and thorough public apology, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced Monday that they had returned a rider’s $2.75 fare after the man reported an unsatisfactory subway experience. “Early this morning, we received word that a passenger on the Q train experienced a ride that did not…Read more...
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on (#5NYD6)
A woman in Belgium has been banned from visiting a chimpanzee at a zoo, with officials saying the 4-year-long friendship, which she called ‘an affair,’ was causing the other chimps to exclude the animal. What do you think?Read more...
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