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on (#5QV9V)
Face it, grandma, you are extremely cringe. If you’re a millennial, Gen Z requests you stop doing these things immediately.Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 19:00 |
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on (#5QV70)
SEATTLE—Acknowledging that his addition was more from obligation than excitement, a group of friends admitted Monday that their less popular acquaintance Gordy Johnson was only included in their suicide pact out of pity. “To be honest, we hadn’t even considered inviting Gordy to bite down on a cyanide pill, but then…Read more...
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on (#5QV6Z)
LINCOLN, NE—In an effort to reach those 18 and younger who had turned to a dangerous false god lurking in the fields, Nebraska Gov. Pete Ricketts (R) announced a program Monday aimed at lifting children out of the cycle of violence they fall into when they join corn cults. “It is imperative that we provide…Read more...
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on (#5QRQH)
The FDA has authorized the sale of Vuse Solo e-cigarettes and tobacco-flavored pods, explaining that the benefits for adults trying to quit smoking outweigh the risks to young people, while also stressing that authorization does not mean the products are safe or FDA-approved. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QRQJ)
A partially destroyed Banksy painting, Love Is In The Bin, has sold at auction for $25.4 million, more than 18 times what it went for three years ago when it was sold just before the piece was half-shredded by a concealed shredder in the frame. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QRNW)
Over the past several years, interest has grown in investing in companies that meet the guidelines for ESG, or environmental, social, and governance, but in practice it can be confusing and even controversial. The Onion provides a guide to socially responsible investing.
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on (#5QRGY)
For decades, there’s been one question that’s tortured gamers of all ages and stripes: How did the original team of developers behind Goldeneye 007 make out? Well, after a robust inquiry put forth by our investigative journalism unit, we at OGN are happy to confirm that the creators of one of the most influential…Read more...
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on (#5QRG0)
The CIA gained intimate access to your development by detaining your parents at a black site and pretending to be them for decades.Read more...
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on (#5QRG1)
PR 0201 B—Issuing their latest denunciation in a long string of statements deploring the treatment of living, sentient beings, intergalactic animal rights groups reportedly condemned the use of a brutal, unsanitary planet Friday to raise human meat. “For far too long, we have kept Homo sapiens crammed in disgusting…Read more...
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on (#5QRDP)
CHICAGO—Touting the new product as a nourishing and blazing-hot way to give newborns their daily nutrients, Similac introduced a new ghost pepper infant formula this week. “Our new formula contains 70% of a growing baby’s daily nutrients plus a tongue-scorching 1,000,000 Scoville Heat Units per serving,” said Kristin…Read more...
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on (#5QR98)
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is pushing manufacturers to cut salt levels by an average of 12% in mostly processed and take-out food to address a growing epidemic of preventable health issues in Americans caused by high-salt diets. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QR97)
MADISON, NC—Noting that the new formula provides immediate relief to those prone to dry skin, itchiness, or rashes, weapons manufacturer Remington announced a new line of ammunition Friday made for sensitive skin. “Our new ammunition ensures that gunshot victims stay clean, clear, and under control for hours after…Read more...
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on (#5QQHS)
Star Trek actor William Shatner, 90, became the oldest person to ever to reach the edge of space, traveling on the 10-minute Blue Origin commercial flight to reach the Kármán line, 62 miles above earth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QQDW)
WASHINGTON—Calling the smoldering ruins in downtown Des Moines a potential preview of 2024, pundits theorized Thursday that Donald Trump could be testing the waters for another presidential run by inciting Iowans to burn the state capitol to the ground. “While he has yet to formally announce his intention to run, the…Read more...
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on (#5QQBH)
Taking a $200,000 loan may seem like a great idea, but it ends up that free money sometimes has a catch. Here are things that everyone wishes they knew before going into college debt.
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on (#5QQ6Y)
HOUSTON—Noting that the training mission would provide crucial insight into humanity’s potential for interplanetary travel, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Thursday that they had lit three astronauts on fire in an experiment to simulate life on Venus. “Setting these astronauts aflame…Read more...
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on (#5QQ4M)
U.S. Navy nuclear engineer Jonathan Toebbe and his wife, Diana, were recently charged with selling classified intelligence regarding America’s nuclear submarines to an undercover FBI agent posing as a foreign operative. The Onion shares the top secrets that the engineer was attempting to sell.
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on (#5QQ2C)
New data shows that 4.3 million people quit jobs in August, about 2.9% of the workforce, driven in part by workers less willing to endure inconvenient hours and poor compensation while given leverage by the country’s high number of job openings. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QQ6Z)
LOS ANGELES—Plagued by thoughts that her new boyfriend might be using her, Megan Fox confirmed Thursday that she was worried Machine Gun Kelly was only with her to meet the Transformers. “He says he loves me, but it’s hard to feel secure when he spends half the time asking when he’s going to meet Bumblebee and Optimus…Read more...
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on (#5QP6V)
Jon Gruden stepped down as the coach of the Las Vegas Raiders football team after detailed emails emerged in which Gruden used misogynistic and homophobic language, following an earlier report that he made racist statements about a union leader. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QP6W)
DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Reminiscing about the ruthless terrorist organization’s humble beginnings, members of the Islamic State recounted to reporters Wednesday how they started out as “just a handful of violent extremists” working in a bombed-out garage. “Man, it’s crazy to think that the tiny terror cell operating out of…Read more...
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on (#5QP6X)
WASHINGTON—As reports of worldwide shipping issues continued to mount, the White House warned Wednesday that supply chain shortages could lead Americans to discover the true meaning of Christmas. “Unless these unprecedented scarcities are reversed soon, hundreds of thousands of Americans could be forced to learn that…Read more...
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on (#5QP6Y)
Video games are often the products of many loving hands. Designers, coders, writers, and developers all pour their hearts into fine-tuning the final product to make it everything the customer wants and more. But one game—the indie platformer Twilight Of The Earth—stands out for featuring a touching tribute to one…Read more...
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on (#5QP4E)
Committees in Norway and Sweden recently awarded the Nobel Prizes to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2021 Nobel Prize winners.
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on (#5QP4F)
Teachers have a hard enough job as it is dealing with your shitty kids without throwing yourself into the mix. Here are the worst things you as a parent can say to your child’s teacher.Read more...
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on (#5QP4G)
DALLAS, TX—Following a weekend that saw record cancellations for North America’s third largest passenger carrier, Southwest Airlines was reportedly still experiencing heavy delays Wednesday after not enough people believed in the power of flight to get their planes to take off. “We apologize for the continued troubles…Read more...
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on (#5QP0Q)
BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration with the NBA star’s outspokenness and unorthodox conspiratorial views, the Nets front office confirmed Wednesday that they wish Kyrie Irving would stop acting like Kyrie Irving. “It’s a huge distraction; when you sign a player like Kyrie Irving, you don’t expect to get a player like…Read more...
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on (#5QNSY)
BRENTWOOD, CA—Unaccustomed to the sheer intensity of the sights and sounds before them, post-pandemic cinema-goers’ eyes and ears reportedly ruptured Wednesday as their senses were overwhelmed by the theater experience. “Oh God, no—what’s that noise—what the hell am I looking at?” said an unidentified person present…Read more...
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on (#5QNSZ)
A former nuclear engineer officer in the U.S. Navy and his wife have been arrested on espionage charges after allegedly attempting to sell government secrets about submarines to a foreign entity in a year-long undercover FBI operation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QN2G)
WASHINGTON—Admitting they had been pretty dissatisfied with their own lives lately, the American people wondered Tuesday if their unhappiness was causing them to project a 45% approval rating of themselves onto President Joe Biden. “It just occurred to me that my personal frustrations and feelings of worthlessness…Read more...
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on (#5QMYW)
SANTA CRUZ, CA—Lamenting that the iconic hero’s good run had come to an end, local man Eugene Edgars told reporters Tuesday that DC’s recent announcement of Superman’s bisexuality had completely ruined the comics for him as he preferred the character’s smoldering homoerotic undertones. “Man, I miss when Superman’s…Read more...
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on (#5QMYX)
Southwest Airlines canceled more than 2,000 flights over the weekend, blaming issues like bad weather and staffing shortages, while others cite poor management as recent data shows the airline to have the worst on-time performance and most canceled flights of any major U.S. airline. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QMX3)
GORHAM, ME—Voicing their suspicions about backroom deals being cut at the local restaurant, patrons at the Blue Pig Diner told reporters Tuesday it was unclear to them what strings the Caesar salad wrap entrée had pulled to snag a full-page color picture on the menu. “There’s no way that wrap got on there all by…Read more...
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on (#5QMQ1)
“I would like to ruin space for everyone.”
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on (#5QMMK)
ATLANTA—Sending motorists and pedestrians alike into a sea of confusion, Atlanta was reportedly in chaos Tuesday after officials changed the names of every street to “Maple Drive” in an effort to distance the city from its Confederate past. “We applaud the municipality’s decision to no longer honor these racist…Read more...
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on (#5QMMM)
WASHINGTON—Mumbling “my God” with a look of horror on his face, former special counsel Robert Mueller suddenly pieced together the solution to the Russia collusion case while watering his plants, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It can’t be—but of course!” said Mueller, who paid no mind to the watering can that had slipped…Read more...
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on (#5QMCX)
Google Maps has launched its new app feature that directs drivers to routes it calculates to generate the lowest carbon footprint, using mainly traffic data and road inclines, with the potential to prevent more than one million tons of carbon emissions from entering the atmosphere per year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QMCW)
LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the movie eschewed computer graphics and digital wizardry to give viewers a truly edge-of-their-seat experience, Paramount Studios executive Kevin Holt revealed Tuesday that Top Gun: Maverick would feature Tom Cruise actually bombing a remote Yemeni village. “When we sat down with Tom to…Read more...
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on (#5QKRV)
GARDINER, MT—Pulling aside a velvet rope as he waved the well-heeled hiker forward, a bouncer at Yellowstone National Park reportedly escorted a high roller to the VIP area Monday to meet and mingle with a few of the habitat’s celebrated grizzly bears. “How about a more private party with some of our bears?” said the…Read more...
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on (#5QKQ0)
Journalists Maria Ressa and Dmitry Muratov were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts in safeguarding freedom of expression in the Philippines and Russia, a choice the committee made to “underscore the importance of protecting and defending these fundamental rights.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QK7H)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Describing how even one look at her boyfriend sent her “heart pounding,” local 28-year-old Miranda Archer told reporters Monday that she was in that giddy honeymoon stage of hating someone new. “I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think this guy could really be my future nemesis,” said Archer, whose…Read more...
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on (#5QK7G)
Israeli archaeologists have unearthed a rare ancient toilet in Jerusalem dating back more than 2,700 years, made of limestone with a hole in the center and positioned over a deep septic tank. What do you think?Read more...
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