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on (#5PN7D)
Taco Bell is testing a 30-day subscription service in which subscribers pay $5 to $10 a month for a Taco Lovers Pass that allows them one taco a day. What do you think?Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 20:45 |
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on (#5PMCX)
California governor Gavin Newsom has defeated a Republican effort to remove him from office in a recall election, with incomplete returns already showing ‘no’ votes ahead by a margin of 30 points. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PM99)
MARANA, AZ—Calling it a clear recapitulation of what other scientific authors had published years or even decades ago, sources confirmed Thursday that local fourth-grader Liam Nicholson’s report on anacondas largely rehashed established research. “While there are some real nuggets of true brilliance, and the…Read more...
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on (#5PM9A)
NEW YORK—With the region descending into chaos much sooner than intelligence experts expected, the Taliban overtook Lower Manhattan Thursday, less than a week after the Biden administration left a memorial event at the site where the World Trade Center towers once stood. “It now appears evident that when President…Read more...
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on (#5PM9B)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to dare pry where the mainstream media would not, Tucker Carlson announced Thursday that he would be putting his life on the line by getting a booster shot for a Fox News investigation into the Covid-19 vaccine. “God only knows what will happen to me when I take this shot, which is why I’ve…Read more...
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on (#5PM7Y)
LOS ANGELES—Treating viewers to a taste of the franchise’s upcoming plans, Shang-Chi And The Legend Of The 10 Rings reportedly concluded with a post-credits scene that hinted fans could probably skip the rest of the Marvel movies. “Stick around after the credits because Marvel is teasing that they’re basically out of…Read more...
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on (#5PM5C)
DURHAM, NC—Throwing together a bunch of unused polynucleotides that would otherwise have gone to waste, a team of geneticists and biomedical engineers at Duke University told reporters Thursday they had developed a new hybrid creature from various scraps of DNA they had lying around their lab. “Over the course of our…Read more...
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on (#5PM5D)
WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans would swap democracy for a $100 Best Buy gift card. “Our research found that 72% of Americans would agree to give up all free and fair elections in the U.S. forever in exchange for a $100…Read more...
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on (#5PKYR)
What? It’s not like your mom and dad were honest with you, and you came out fine! Here are common lies parents tell their children all the time.Read more...
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on (#5PKYQ)
A startup says it’s using gene-editing technology to give elephants the cold-adapted genetic traits of woolly mammoths, like smaller ears and more body fat, creating a hybrid by 2027 that can survive the Arctic tundra. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PK4X)
WASHINGTON—Scrambling to respond to the sudden shift in electoral realities, Democrats reportedly faced new hurdles Wednesday after Republicans gerrymandered all left-leaning voters into a single House district stretching across the country. “Democrats were already looking at significant headwinds going into the…Read more...
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on (#5PK12)
A U.S. Census Bureau report shows that poverty in the United States fell to 9.1% last year—down 2.6% from 2019—due to government aid, including pandemic relief payments and unemployment insurance. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PK13)
Hot off the success of the Dishonored series, Arkane Studios is showing us what they can do with their first truly next-gen experience. Unfortunately, while Deathloop might be a graphical tour-de-force for the PlayStation 5, it ultimately failed to satisfy after we beat the game on our first try, since it was way…Read more...
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on (#5PK14)
NEW YORK—Diplomats and personnel from dozens of nations stopped and stared upon entering the U.N. General Assembly Hall this morning and seeing that the night-shift janitor had left a brilliant solution to the Israeli–Palestinian Conflict on the chalkboard, sources reported Wednesday. “My God, he did it—he figured it…Read more...
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on (#5PJY6)
WASHINGTON—Having thus far caved on eliminating the filibuster, advancing an adequate climate change agenda, and protecting voting rights, congressional Democrats told reporters Wednesday they were sick and tired of being blamed for cowardice on issues that, in reality, they just didn’t care about. “I’ve had it with…Read more...
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on (#5PJTY)
Advocacy and technological capacity for the potential colonization of other planets continues to grow, while critics of such proposals argue that these efforts will have negative consequences both for humanity and planet Earth. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of space colonization.Read more...
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on (#5PJTZ)
Being a cog in a multibillion dollar machine is bad enough without having to make caffeinated drinks all day for unhinged customers. Here are the orders Starbucks baristas hate the most and why.Read more...
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on (#5PHDE)
The latest release from Arkane Studios is finally hitting next-gen consoles, and we couldn’t be more excited to give the lowdown on how to dive into this mind-bending action odyssey. Here are tips for getting started with Deathloop!Read more...
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on (#5PHDF)
Software company Salesforce has announced that if any of its 2,000 Dallas employees are concerned about the ability to access reproductive care in the wake of Texas’ aggressive anti-abortion law, the company will help relocate their families. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PHBH)
NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mark has promised me that he’ll take every precaution to prevent…Read more...
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on (#5PGCC)
WASHINGTON—Lambasting the West Virginia senator for his blatant self-interest, Joe Manchin (D-WV) was slammed by critics Monday for stealing the spotlight from other Democratic senators who also oppose progressive legislation. “Joe Manchin would rather appear on TV than help his Democratic colleagues appear on TV,”…Read more...
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on (#5PGAJ)
CBS has announced its new reality TV show, The Activist, in which contestants compete in media stunts and digital campaigns to garner public attention for their cause, with results partly measured by online engagement and other social media metrics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PG4N)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming that cryptocurrency was all that stood between us and total annihilation, a study from Harvard University published Monday found that the immense processing power wasted on Bitcoin mining was the only thing preventing sentient computers from wiping out humanity. “We’ve discovered that if not…Read more...
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on (#5PFZ9)
DALLAS—Noting how the monument, with its outsized dimensions, absolutely dwarfed everything around it, sources reported Monday that an enormous headstone spotted at Forest Lawn Cemetery must mark the grave of a person whose immediate survivors felt overjoyed by their death. “Wow, you can tell a lot of money went into…Read more...
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on (#5PFYZ)
There’s nothing less American than performing civic duties, like paying taxes and obeying the law. Here are the best excuses to use if you want to immediately get out of jury duty.Read more...
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on (#5PFPH)
A new report has revealed that the LAPD instructed officers to collect social media information from civilians they talk to, regardless of arrest or citation, raising concerns over mass citizen surveillance. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PF28)
LOS ANGELES—Daydreaming about the heartbreaking moment that could secure his legacy as one of the all-time great broadcasters, NBC announcer Al Michaels confirmed Sunday that he was confident he would completely nail the call if a football player died on the field. “I’ve been doing this for 40 years; I’m ready for…Read more...
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on (#5PEJ4)
NOVI, MI—Stunning friends and family with his inexplicable ability to divine the future, local Lions fan Barry Porter once again displayed his supernatural ability Sunday to determine every draft pick will be a bust with his prediction for new offensive tackle Penei Sewell. “Within minutes, he was saying, ‘This is…Read more...
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on (#5PCZN)
MEDDYBEMPS, ME—Wincing at the use of a phrase that did not even place it within the realm of edible objects, a can of Campbell’s soup was said to be deeply hurt Friday when local homeowner Mike Knutson proclaimed there was “not a goddamn thing to eat” in his house. “The guy’s talking as if I weren’t sitting right here…Read more...
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on (#5PCXK)
A new study has found that polar bear populations have seen a 10% loss in genetic diversity over 20 years due to inbreeding, which scientists say is a result of fewer encounters with mates due to melting sea ice caused by climate change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PCXM)
CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to overhear a kind word from the assembled mourners, local gravedigger Derek Finnegan was reportedly hanging out on the periphery of a funeral Friday to see if anybody complimented his hole. “I’ll just linger a little longer behind this tree to see if someone mentions the flawless right angles…Read more...
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on (#5PCW0)
Fall 2021 will see a bevy of hotly anticipated albums from both well-established and up-and-coming artists, many of which were written and recorded during the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion looks at the most-anticipated albums of fall 2021.
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on (#5PCQ9)
DURHAM, NC—Citing service to others as one of the main tenets of their brotherhood, members of the Kappa Sigma fraternity at Duke University told reporters Friday that a cookout they had hosted raised more than $10,000 to help pay the medical expenses of a pledge they put in a coma. “This money will go directly toward…Read more...
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on (#5PBTA)
If there’s anyone who can teach younger generations about saving money, it’s the men and women who are systematically robbing them of accumulated wealth and hoarding it for themselves. We asked prominent business leaders what financial advice they would give to millennials, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5PBSN)
CHICAGO—As he anxiously examined his hairline in the mirror, local 32-year-old Bryce Keough, a man whom no one has looked at directly in weeks, became increasingly concerned Thursday that everyone could tell he was balding. “Jesus, this looks terrible—what am I going to do?” said Keough, who stared at his reflection…Read more...
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on (#5PBSP)
LYNCHBURG, VA—Astounded by the damning information, local anti-vaxxer Pete Dixon was reportedly horrified Thursday after discovering that every single American who got a smallpox vaccine in the 19th century was now deceased. “We’re expected to follow along blindly with the CDC, but if people would simply look to the…Read more...
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on (#5PBPY)
A 12-ton statue of General Robert E. Lee, the last remaining Confederate statue on the historic Monuments Avenue, has been taken down in Richmond, Virginia, which its removal was announced last year amid national protests over the death of George Floyd. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PBPZ)
STANFORD, CA—Explaining that she had to take care of something in the other room, research psychologist Andrea Hamaker reportedly had to step away for a minute Thursday, but she told study participant Kyle Meyer that he should feel free to grab either a cookie or carrots. “I have to duck out for a moment before we…Read more...
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