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on (#5R8QY)
PLANO, TX—In a purported effort to stop the rise of woke, leftist Critical Race Theory in the classroom, a local school district issued a decision Thursday censoring all of The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain except for its copious use of the n-word. “This move will allow educators to focus on the key…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 19:00 |
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on (#5R8Q6)
AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a terrible tragedy that could and should have easily been avoided, investigators slammed SpaceX Thursday after an autonomous rocket veered off course and struck a pedestrian. “At approximately 11 a.m. CST, a SpaceX Falcon9 rocket launched itself into traffic at 17,000 mph, hitting and…Read more...
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on (#5R7DJ)
Fauci: Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my walls. I smile when I see them.Read more...
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on (#5R728)
WASHINGTON—Advising consumers to check their kitchens for contamination as soon as possible, the Food and Drug Administration announced an immediate recall Wednesday of millions of U.S.-sold chili peppers after finding evidence that if you chop them and then touch your junk, your junk will burn. “Due to the serious…Read more...
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on (#5R72A)
STANFORD, CA—Finding that the students’ skills were on track by the standards of the large, carrion-feeding bird, a study published Wednesday in the International Journal Of Educational Research concluded that the average American third-grader reads at the same level as a crow. “In tests of word recognition and…Read more...
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on (#5R6SG)
Kellogg’s is being accused in a class action lawsuit of misleading consumers by promoting the filling in Pop-Tarts as “strawberry” when the pastries contain 2% or less of dried strawberries, dried pears, and dried apples with red 40 coloring. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R5XC)
HOUSTON—Calling it their chief motivation for trying to beat the Atlanta Braves in the MLB World Series, members of the Houston Astros told reporters Tuesday that they hoped a victory would inspire kids to break the rules without punishment. “If we can go out and win this series, it will show children all over…Read more...
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on (#5R5W1)
A Georgia man has been federally charged with wire fraud after lying about owning a small business to receive a Covid-19 relief loan, which he then used to buy a single Pokémon card that cost $57,789. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R5SB)
DENVER—Citing the establishment for a flagrant violation of local ordinances, city officials shut down The Green Owl Tavern Tuesday for operating without a brewery. “After conducting a thorough examination of the premises, officers from the vice department were unable to find even one tap offering locally-sourced,…Read more...
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on (#5R5A5)
A new study has determined that Vikings inhabited North America exactly 1,000 years ago by counting tree rings of wooden objects previously found in an early Viking settlement in Newfoundland, which revealed they were made from trees felled in the year 1021. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R5A3)
BOSTON—Taking an important step forward in understanding the long-term damage caused by being tackled and spiked, NFL scientists studied the effects of CTE Tuesday by dissecting the brain of a pro football. “This football was subject to only one season in the NFL, but its brain is already showing signs of significant…Read more...
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on (#5R477)
DULUTH, MN—After agreeing to make an exception so long as it was just this one time, family sources confirmed Monday that they had decided to spoil local grandma Dorothea Larson, 73, with a five-minute video chat. “It’s nice for her to have a special treat now and then, so we figured there wouldn’t be any harm in…Read more...
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on (#5R476)
BATON ROUGE, LA—Celebrating the finished project with a ribbon-cutting ceremony, federal officials announced Monday that construction was finally complete on a canal connecting chemical runoff with the Mississippi River. “After 20 years in the making, the Phosphorous Canal will allow toxic waste chemicals to flow…Read more...
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on (#5R42K)
If you’re in the market for an adorable mummy or a fun-loving ghost, turn back now, because the following Halloween movies for children are actually terrifying.
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on (#5R41Q)
LOS ANGELES—Bemoaning the fact that the relationship hadn’t yet gotten deep enough to cause any serious rifts, the other members of Coldplay confirmed Monday they wished that Chris Martin liked Dakota Johnson enough to break up the band. “We thought that maybe when they moved in together earlier this year that it was…Read more...
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on (#5R3YE)
Surgeons have successfully attached a kidney grown in a genetically altered pig to a human patient and found that the organ worked normally, a scientific breakthrough that one day could open up a new way to provide organs to sick people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R1E3)
SANTORINI, GREECE—After photographing the couple several miles off the coast of a secluded Greek isle, multiple paparazzi published images Friday of Dune star Timothée Chalamet lounging on a Mediterranean yacht with a mystery 1,200-foot sandworm. “Timothée rented a luxurious yacht for a vacation with his beautiful,…Read more...
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on (#5R1BY)
BOSTON—In a major new study that examined the cases of more than 2,000 people of various ages and backgrounds, a paper published Friday in the Journal Of Behavioral Medicine found that the majority of panic attacks involved an anxiety the victim knew well. “In 92% of cases, sufferers were already acquainted with the…Read more...
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on (#5R12S)
PORTLAND, ME—Impressed by the wide range of genres and titles on display for Sony’s mid-aughts video games console, sources confirmed Friday that the bookshelf at local thrift store Gently Used has some pretty solid PlayStation 2 games. “Dynasty Warriors 2, Max Payne, a dust-covered copy of The Simpsons Hit & Run—…Read more...
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on (#5R12F)
FORT WORTH, TX—Dismissing the technology as a flash in the pan and doomed to fail, cryptocurrency-averse man Tim Blankenship told reporters Friday that he would prefer investing in a traditional stock market that he also doesn’t understand. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’d much rather trust my life savings with a more…Read more...
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on (#5R0XZ)
Fisher-Price will release a new version of its Chatter Telephone that can take real phone calls by connecting to a smartphone through Bluetooth, while keeping the original wobbly eyes, rotary dialer, and four wheels of the original 1961 child’s pull toy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R04N)
Facebook is planning to change its company name next week to reflect its focus on building the metaverse, likely positioning the Facebook app as one of many products under a parent company, much like Google did with Alphabet in 2015. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R12T)
MILAN—Reviewing hundreds of images of the man wearing the item while dining, running errands, and posing in front of the mirror, the world’s leading fashion icons reportedly convened Friday to determine whether Pennsylvania resident Aaron Ferris could pull off his denim jacket. “It seems to fit appropriately on his…Read more...
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on (#5QZW7)
NEW YORK—Sprawling on the floor of his cramped studio apartment surrounded by crumpled-up sheet music, composer Lee Watley reportedly perked up Thursday at the sound of the rhythm of the city. “I was at the point of just about giving up hope that I’d ever write anything halfway decent when I suddenly realized my toe…Read more...
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on (#5QZBZ)
A scuba diver has found a 900-year-old sword off the coast of Israel, likely owned by a knight during the Crusades, a set of military expeditions by Western European Christians aimed at retaking the Holy Land in the Middle East. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QYFS)
WASHINGTON—Putting forth a less ambitious legislative package in an effort to secure enough votes for passage in the Senate, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that his original $2 trillion climate plan would be replaced with a scaled-back proposal to purchase a single reusable grocery bag. “For those members of…Read more...
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on (#5QYFV)
After requesting the name change last August for “personal reasons,” rapper, producer, and fashion designer Kanye West has legally changed his name from Kanye Omari West to just Ye, with no middle or last name. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QYAE)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that literally any occurrence in the coming year might threaten the party’s fragile hold on power, political experts warned Wednesday that everything that will happen between now and November 2022 could spell trouble for Democrats in the midterms. “Unfortunately for Democrats, anything that occurs…Read more...
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on (#5QYAF)
The Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001, commonly known as the Patriot Act, was enacted by Congress 20 years ago. The Onion looks back at the key moments in the history of the Patriot Act.
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on (#5QYAG)
ARLINGTON, TX—Revealing hundreds of humiliating and bigoted messages wired by the Cowboys owner last century, The New York Times released a trove of hateful Jerry Jones telegrams Wednesday in which he repeatedly slams the Ottoman Empire. “The Sultan and his brainless Mohammedan hordes are fools for thinking they have…Read more...
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on (#5QY75)
If you live in a capitalist society, you already know this is 100% true, but go ahead and click through this slideshow anyways. Here are several signs your boss may be underpaying you.Read more...
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on (#5QY76)
NEW YORK—Announcing that only drastic measures could defend the populace against the emerging threat, New York City reinstated a full lockdown Wednesday after disturbing reports that the Knicks may resume play. “For the sake of all New Yorkers, we absolutely cannot allow another outbreak of Derrick Rose and Nerlens…Read more...
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on (#5QXYC)
The city of Christchurch, New Zealand, has ended its contract with Ian Brackenbury Channell, who was paid $11,280 a year to provide “acts of wizardry” and promote the city for the past two decades, explaining that he no longer fits its new tourism message. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QWVP)
CUPERTINO, CA—In a long-anticipated keynote event, Apple revealed Tuesday that their new MacBook Pro will be a refurbished Dell laptop they got off Craigslist for $500. “It has some scratches here and there, but the thing still runs just fine—you just have to be patient when it starts up,” said CEO Tim Cook, who…Read more...
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on (#5QWVN)
If you saw a much lower number, it’s because depression has automatically caused you to reduce your expectations about everything.Read more...
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on (#5QWMD)
PHILADELPHIA—In a landmark study that deepens our understanding of the explosion that began all space and time, a paper published Tuesday in the Journal Of Cosmology And Astroparticle Physics found that the Big Bang was caused by a prior universe blowing itself up with fireworks. “Upon extensive analysis of cosmic…Read more...
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on (#5QWDG)
Best-selling Spanish author Carmen Mola, who was represented as a mother of three who wrote on her off-time, was revealed to be three men after they accepted the million-euro 2021 Premio Planeta literary prize. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QVHD)
WASHINGTON—Nodding curtly to each other as they both descended into the crypt containing the treasured item, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney became the last two surviving members of a tontine pledge for a cask of rare brandy, sources confirmed Monday. “Who’d have ever guessed it would be down to just the pair of us,”…Read more...
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on (#5QVGQ)
We have some terrifying news to share with you today—we just learned that the captain on our flight has never played Pilot Wings 64, and so, dear God, we’re going to storm the cockpit. Pray for us, gamers, because we don’t know how things are going to shake out at this point.
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