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on (#5QK7F)
“It’s called Chekhov’s gun. Do you know about that? It’s simple: You put a gun in the first act, so there’s a gun. Then—and this is the kicker—then someone’s gotta shoot that gun. They just have to. It’s the rule.” — Masayuki Uemura, creator of Duck HuntRead more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 20:45 |
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on (#5QGS9)
Idaho lieutenant governor Janice McGeachin issued executive orders, which included banning vaccine mandates and attempting to activate national guard service members to send to the Mexico border, without authorization while Governor Little was out of state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QGS1)
WATERLOO, IA—Saying they had at first believed the vehicle signaled the end of the morning’s festivities, witnesses reported Friday that an unadorned Chevy Silverado pickup driven by the town comptroller had somehow made the cut as a parade float. “I just assumed they had opened the street back up to regular traffic,…Read more...
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on (#5QGJK)
Although it’s counterintuitive, not every country views their hospitals as profit-driven corporate playgrounds. Here are things that always surprise foreigners about American health care.
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on (#5QGGE)
Fox News debuted 25 years ago, and since then has become one of the most watched and most controversial cable news channels. The Onion looks back at key moments in Fox News’ 25-year history.
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on (#5QGC3)
The World Health Organization has endorsed the first-ever vaccine to prevent malaria, one of the oldest known and deadliest infectious diseases that kills about 500,000 people a year, with about half of those being children in Africa. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QGC2)
CINCINNATI—While insisting they always tried to follow the facility’s policies as best they could, workers at Helping Paws, a local no-kill animal shelter, told patrons Friday they couldn’t promise them there wouldn’t be any, shall we say, unfortunate accidents. “We do our best to give every animal a safe and happy…Read more...
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on (#5QFG4)
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—After violating the company’s terms of service with his factually inaccurate message, local man Mitch Pennington, who posted the words “We can all get through this together!” on Facebook, was reportedly kicked off the social media platform Thursday for spreading a Covid-19 hoax. “We have taken…Read more...
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on (#5QFDX)
BATTLE CREEK, MI—Focused as he enjoyed the activity on the back of the package, local 9-year-old Carter McCauley was reportedly working on a maze on his Kellogg’s cereal box Thursday that read “Can you help the scab get into the cereal plant?” “Uh-oh, it looks like the greedy union workers are blocking our friend…Read more...
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on (#5QFDC)
About 1,400 workers at Kellogg’s cereal factories in the U.S. have gone on strike after year-long negotiations between union and management over job protections and health care broke down, which could lead to supply disruptions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QFDD)
NEW YORK—Saying initial viewership numbers could portend a major trend in the industry’s future, critics were hopeful Thursday that the success of Netflix original Squid Game would mean more opportunities for things you can watch for entertainment. “What Squid Game’s popularity suggests is that there’s a real…Read more...
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on (#5QFAY)
WASHINGTON—Following a decades-long investigation that cost millions of dollars, FBI officials announced Thursday that they had finally identified the infamous “Ted Bundy” serial killer. “We can finally confirm that the killer known as ‘Ted Bundy’ is, in fact, Salt Lake City resident Theodore Bundy,” said special a…Read more...
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on (#5QF58)
MINNETONKA, MN—Local surgeon Dr. Jason Kranz told reporters Thursday he was kind of pissed when a patient witnessing her deformed face for the first time just smashed his hand mirror like that. “Hey, what the hell—one second, she’s pulling her face bandages off, and then the next, she’s screaming at her own reflection…Read more...
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on (#5QF4J)
‘Why, did Mitch say he’ll do a deal? What are the terms? Never mind, I’m in!”Read more...
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on (#5QEW7)
BOTHELL, WA—Apparently obsessed with keeping tabs on the personal contact details of his fellow residents, David Landry, a creepy old man, was in possession of a book filled with the home phone numbers of everyone in his town, local sources confirmed Thursday. “Oh God, I don’t even want to think about what he’s doing…Read more...
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on (#5QEW6)
The latest in the Far Cry series of open-world first-person shooters is finally upon us. But before you dive into all that tropical, Giancarlo Esposito-starring goodness, here are some tips to get you started in Far Cry 6.Read more...
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on (#5QE64)
PARIS—Shocked and appalled by their wanton disregard of propriety, the French populace was reportedly disgusted Wednesday after learning members of the Roman Catholic clergy preyed on children in a manner that citizens said was only acceptable for teachers, artists, and filmmakers. “We want to condemn in the strongest…Read more...
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on (#5QDWG)
Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp shut down for over six hours on Monday, the company’s worst outage since 2008, and it was caused by a DNS system issue that resulted in all internal Facebook tools failing and workers having to reboot the servers manually. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QDWH)
WASHINGTON—Confirming that the sexual aspect of their relationships had faded long ago, the nation’s aging couples announced Wednesday that they were more friends than lovers by this point. “After decades of living together, we’ve found that simple companionship is more important to us than gratifying physical urges,”…Read more...
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on (#5QDSC)
WASHINGTON—Saying they spent so much time taking caring of issues in the information sector that they often forgot to take care of themselves, members of the Consumer Technology Foundation, a nonprofit watchdog, confirmed they enjoyed a rare night out this week after finding a sitter to look after the…Read more...
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on (#5QDNY)
The recent leak of documents dubbed the “Pandora Papers” revealed the largest number of offshore assets in history. The Onion answers key questions about the Pandora Papers.Read more...
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on (#5QDNZ)
Let’s face it, your boss has had it out for you since the day you got hired and immediately fucked up everything you ever touched. Here are several signs you are about to get fired.Read more...
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on (#5QDCG)
A California woman gets to keep a 4.38 carat yellow diamond, which could be worth over $15,000, after finding the gemstone during a visit to the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas, the only diamond mine in the U.S. that is open to the public. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QC66)
Most people are lucky if they can just lose their virginity before the day they die. But if you’re about to enter a relationship where you can have sex with multiple people, you may want to consider the following questions.
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on (#5QC67)
FRONTENAC, MO—Declaring that the home’s decor stood in violation of a bevy of the basic community guidelines, a local homeowners’ association reportedly served notice to the owners of a house Tuesday with too few plastic skeletons dangling from its roof. “When you agreed to live in this neighborhood, you signed a…Read more...
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on (#5QC69)
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN—Amid calls for him to step down after his close associates were named in the Pandora Papers, Prime Minister Imran Khan explained in an address to his nation Tuesday that the money in hidden offshore tax havens was being saved to buy the Pakistani people a big fancy present. “I didn’t tell anyone…Read more...
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on (#5QC68)
LOS ANGELES—Announcing that he had accepted the company’s offer to join the upcoming launch, William Shatner told reporters Tuesday that he was overjoyed at the opportunity to take a Blue Origin flight after learning that space is actually real. “I may have made countless memories exploring space on TV, but never in a…Read more...
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on (#5QC3C)
Rapper Eminem has opened a new restaurant in Detroit called “Mom’s Spaghetti,” a reference to a lyric in “Lose Yourself,” with the performer serving the first 10 customers of the walk-up-only restaurant himself. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QBV2)
BRONXVILLE, NY—Suggesting such a massive leap forward could have grave consequences for the league and humanity, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Tuesday that he was growing increasingly worried that players were at risk of gaining sentience. “My God, what would happen if, say, Mac Jones were to suddenly…Read more...
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on (#5QB3V)
NEW YORK—Shaking his head in response to the release of the Pandora Papers revealing over 100 billionaires were among those shielding their wealth in offshore financial centers, patriotic billionaire Steven Lyle reiterated to reporters Monday that he only invests in American-made tax havens. “These billionaires who…Read more...
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on (#5QAZJ)
Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been found legally responsible in two lawsuits for damages resulting from his claims about the Sandy Hook school shooting in 2012 a hoax organized by anti-gun advocates and carried out by crisis actors. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QAZK)
COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the series’ slate of performers was overwhelmingly caucasian, critics of ABC’s The Goldbergs demanded Monday that the show squander the talents of a more diverse cast. “There are really only so many opportunities for minorities out there, so it’s unfortunate that this popular show wouldn’t…Read more...
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on (#5QB1F)
STOCKHOLM—In recognition of their breakthrough studies revealing how the human nervous system responds to extremely high temperatures, heavily bandaged scientists David Julius and Ardem Patapoutian were reportedly wheeled in from a burn ward Monday to accept a Nobel Prize for their work in heat and sensory research.…Read more...
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on (#5QAPA)
KEARNEY, NE—Estimating that it could still be years until the aging man’s sedentary lifestyle finally caught up with him, sources confirmed Monday that local 40-year-old Thomas O’Brien was not active enough to realize that his body was falling apart. “If he’d only take the stairs once in a while, he’d notice that his…Read more...
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on (#5QAPB)
You’re salaried, so you’re getting paid whether you send in that report by close of business or spend the whole day surfing Facebook.
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on (#5QAFH)
YouTube has announced that it will be removing any videos spreading misinformation about any approved vaccine and banning well-known misinformation spreaders like the Children’s Health Defense Fund, a group affiliated with anti-vaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q7V3)
A judge has suspended Britney Spears’ father, Jamie Spears, from overseeing her conservatorship, saying the arrangement “reflects a toxic environment,” with the judge expected to rule whether the conservatorship should be dissolved completely in November. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q7MX)
There are hundreds of other ways to show weakness instead of apologizing. Use the following phrases if you constantly find yourself saying “I’m sorry.”
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on (#5Q7HR)
WASHINGTON—Touting the increasing share of residents with enough disposable income to save a cultural institution, a new economic report from the Zweibel Research Institute issued Friday found that the majority of Americans could afford to toss a couple of bucks our way to keep us from going under. “Our findings…Read more...
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on (#5Q7HQ)
Gamers, is that you? Our eyes are bleary, so we can’t really make you out. Come closer. Closer, please. We’re weak, but there’s something we need to tell you. We need you to know that...video games are...really...great.
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