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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 20:45 |
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on (#5NVXN)
WASHINGTON—Expressing disbelief after an attack on evacuees at the Kabul airport killed Afghan civilians and U.S. troops fleeing a war zone, the nation was reportedly stunned Friday that a 20-year catastrophe could end so catastrophically. “You could never imagine in a million years that a barbaric disaster could…Read more...
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on (#5NV9P)
FRANKLIN, TN—Calling the activity “a huge hit,” local wedding guests told reporters Friday that they were delighted to discover the event had a little photo booth to document the precious joy of escaping the party. “We absolutely adored the photo booth—it’s so nice to have a little memento to remember the only sliver…Read more...
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on (#5NV9M)
Following the death of longtime host Alex Trebek last fall, the game show Jeopardy! launched a much-publicized effort to find a replacement that has met with its share of controversies. The Onion looks at a timeline of the biggest moments in the new Jeopardy! host debacle.
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on (#5NTDB)
Spencer Elden, who appeared as the naked baby on the cover of Nirvana’s 1991 album Nevermind, is suing the band over alleged “child sexual exploitation,” claiming the artwork is child pornography. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NTDC)
GAINESVILLE, FL—Promising to let him know as soon as something becomes available, nurse Janae Howager informed a man having a heart attack Thursday that there was about an hour wait until the next Covid-19 patient died. “Sorry, we just had a couple large groups of infected people come in, so it could be anywhere from…Read more...
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on (#5NTAH)
THE HEAVENS—Recently deceased former Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts was reportedly confused Thursday after running into old bandmate Keith Richards in the afterlife. “Keith, man, long time no—wait, what are you doing here?” the ethereal form of the late celebrated rock and jazz drummer was heard to utter after…Read more...
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on (#5NSX6)
Airbnb has announced it will provide 20,000 Afghan refugees temporary housing in properties listed on its platform globally free of charge. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NRZ1)
BOSTON—Noting that the groundbreaking biotechnology could change the medical field forever, doctors at Boston Children’s Hospital told reporters Wednesday they were hopeful that gene editing would soon allow sick kids to have super weird pets. “Thanks to promising advances in CRISPR technology, we’re more confident…Read more...
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on (#5NREW)
U.S. schools are struggling with bus driver shortages due to the pandemic, with one Delaware school offering parents $700 per child for the year if they provide them with transportation back and forth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NQGJ)
Former President Donald Trump was briefly booed at a rally in Alabama on Saturday after telling his supporters that they should get vaccinated against Covid-19. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NQFF)
LOS ANGELES—The popular Apple TV+ show Ted Lasso reportedly received an outpouring of critical acclaim Tuesday after the latest episode consisted solely of heartwarming stock photos of people hugging each other. “This is exactly the type of television show America needs right now,” said Alan Sepinwall, a critic for …Read more...
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on (#5NQC2)
WASHINGTON—Reluctantly acknowledging a faint stir of pride at the success of their tutelage, the CIA admitted Tuesday to being begrudgingly impressed by how well they trained future Taliban members throughout the 1980s. “Damn, we really have to give ourselves a little bit of a pat on the back for showing these sons of…Read more...
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on (#5NQC3)
Oof, we’re cringing over here right now, gamers, because we just caught a glimpse of Thwomp throwing a total fit after realizing he’s not a big enough Mario enemy to get a walk-in table at chef Thomas Keller’s world-renowned restaurant The French Laundry.
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on (#5NQA0)
If you ever find yourself in an interrogation room, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Before you call your lawyer, do everything in your power to avoid saying these things.Read more...
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on (#5NPYC)
DENVER—Determining that state of distress was frequently caused by being a total drag, a report published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Colorado revealed that loneliness was most common amongst Americans no one wants to be around.“Our research found a strong link between social isolation and being a…Read more...
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on (#5NP7G)
ATLANTA—Urging the nation to protect themselves from the worst, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a warning Monday that going unvaccinated is not worth the risk of losing the ability to taste wings. “We are pleading with Americans who are yet vaccinated against Covid-19 to realize they are in…Read more...
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on (#5NP05)
Producer Mike Richards stepped down from his brief tenure as host of Jeopardy! after offensive and sexist comments he made on a podcast several years ago resurfaced. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NNYJ)
It’s been a long wait for fans of Tim Schafer’s mind-bending platformer Psychonauts to see a sequel—15 and a half years, to be precise—but the wait to join Raz and the rest of his psychic crew is finally over! Here are some tips to help you get started in Psychonauts 2.
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on (#5NNVD)
BOURNEMOUTH, ENGLAND—Gesturing wildly with her arms and grunting whenever she spoke, Dr. Jane Goodall returned from her latest expedition with an annoying chimp accent, sources confirmed Monday. “She was there for, like, six weeks, and now she’s acting like it’s totally natural for her to puff out her lips, hit her…Read more...
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on (#5NNGF)
A Dutch fashion designer and engineer, inspired by the pandemic and social distancing, has created a “proximity dress” that puffs up or inflates when its ultrasonic range sensors detect another person standing near the wearer. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NNGE)
It’s not ethically correct, but many therapists will often steal details from their patients’ lives to punch up their autobiographies.Read more...
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on (#5NK24)
HARLEM, NY—In a surprise appearance that sent local spectators into a frenzy, reports confirmed that seven-time Olympic medalist Simone Biles dropped in on a pickup gymnastics meet Friday at historic Rucker Park. “It was so crazy to see her roll up and just start hitting the uneven bars with park legends like…Read more...
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on (#5NK0H)
When traveling abroad, the last thing you want to be is the rude, out-of-place idiot that everyone despises. Here are the best ways not to be an asshole tourist.Read more...
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on (#5NJEW)
A mathematics teacher at a community college in Baltimore has been sentenced to a year in prison for offering students better grades in exchange for cash, charging $150 for a C grade, $250 for a B, and $500 for an A. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NJEV)
LOS GATOS, CA—In an effort to optimize their offerings in an increasingly crowded marketplace, streaming giant Netflix confirmed Friday that it would soon be releasing a Jeffrey Dahmer stand-up special produced by the platform’s self-learning algorithm. “Our proprietary algorithm has always served our viewers the most…Read more...
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on (#5NHHT)
The U.S. government has opened a formal investigation into Tesla’s partially automated driving system after a series of collisions with parked emergency vehicles. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NHHV)
TURLOCK, CA—Dismissing other women’s claims that the terrorist organization had inflicted abuses upon them that ranged from sexual assault to torture to murder, a female friend of the Taliban argued Thursday that they never did anything like that to her. “Women have been throwing out a lot of terrible accusations…Read more...
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on (#5NHC3)
Now this will blow your mind! Known as the final growth spurt, this is the body’s final attempt to dunk a basketball.Read more...
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on (#5NGZN)
Maki Kaji, puzzle enthusiast and publisher known as the “Godfather of Sudoku” for creating and popularizing the logic puzzle that is played daily by millions of people around the world has died. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NGZK)
WASHINGTON—Following a magnitude 7.2 earthquake that devastated Haiti’s southern peninsula, President Biden announced Thursday that he was honoring the country’s request for aid with a deportation order that would return a Haitian-born American doctor to his homeland. “To our friends in Haiti, let me assure you: help…Read more...
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on (#5NG1Z)
New Zealand’s government has put in place a strict lockdown that will last for at least three days after finding a single case of coronavirus infection in Auckland, which has since grown to at least seven known infections. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NG20)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following the terrorist organization’s rapid recapture of the Central Asian country, a disappointed Taliban informed reporters Wednesday that taking over Afghanistan had turned out to be way more fun than running it. “Obviously, storming the smaller cities and plowing toward the capital was a total…Read more...
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on (#5NG0Y)
When Nintendo released the Switch in 2017, its seamless ability to be played as a handheld utterly redefined how we thought about consoles. But it looks like Nintendo’s dominance as the premier hybrid console maker might be coming to an end with Microsoft’s reveal today of a new 40-foot extension cord for the Xbox.Read more...
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on (#5NFJY)
GRATIS, OH—Unable to resist the temptation as he stopped in the small town for a meal, 31-year-old Nicholas Hechinger reportedly whipped out his phone Wednesday to gawk at the local freaks on Tinder. “Oh, this is going to be good—let’s set the age preferences as wide as it can go so we really get some weirdos!” said…Read more...
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on (#5NFJW)
CHICAGO—Springing into action to defend the painting at all costs, local museum guard Mitchell Washington bravely threw himself in front of a priceless work of art in an attempt to shield it from a camera flash, bystanders confirmed Wednesday. “In situations like this, there’s no time to second guess yourself: you…Read more...
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on (#5NEPK)
TEMPE, AZ—Struggling to come to terms with the harsh departure from his morning routine, local man Michael Simpson reportedly faced the grim reality Tuesday that he would have to leave his warm shower to retrieve the face wash he left on the sink. According to sources, Simpson, already dripping wet and covered in …Read more...
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on (#5NEM6)
CAMP DAVID, MD—Waking up and rolling over in bed to reach for his morning paper, President Joe Biden reportedly expressed disappointment Tuesday after he read through the front pages and discovered the Taliban had not simply disappeared from Afghanistan overnight. “Damn it, why can’t they just go away?” said the…Read more...
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on (#5NEM5)
At least 1,300 people have died after a 7.2 magnitude earthquake struck Haiti on Saturday morning, causing heavy damage in a country that has still not fully recovered from a previous earthquake in 2010 and hurricane in 2016. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NEKR)
ALBANY, NY—No longer able to put up even the weakest opposition to the strange charge, local man Dylan Barwell was reportedly too tired and defeated Tuesday to fight a new $14.99 fee on his phone bill. “Oh great, now I have to pay this?” said the utterly broken 33-year-old, ground down from years of customer service…Read more...
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on (#5NEDF)
With the school year fast approaching, educators are dreading the end of summer vacation just as much as kids are. Come fall, teachers could not be less excited about the following things.Read more...
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on (#5NE3B)
The 2020 Census found that America is increasingly multiracial and urban, with population growth being driven primarily by people of color in metro areas as the percentage of white and rural Americans shrinks. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NE3D)
WASHINGTON—Characterizing the disaster left behind after a 20-year military intervention as completely indicative of what America stands for, critics warned Tuesday that the withdrawal from Afghanistan paints an entirely accurate picture of the U.S. government. “The collapse of a nation following its occupation by the…Read more...
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