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on (#5ND70)
Afghanistan is in chaos after Taliban forces recaptured the country’s capital, quickly undoing years of Western presence after America announced it was withdrawing following two decades of warfare. What do you think?Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 22:30 |
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on (#5ND58)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Telling friends that the keepsake would ensure he always remembered the decisive moment, excited Taliban fighter Muhammad Ahmadi reportedly bought an extra copy of The New York Times Monday to frame. “Oh wow, this is going to look so fantastic above my mantel—it’s an above-the-fold headline and…Read more...
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on (#5NCYJ)
Tackled by cloud of Covid-19 virus after getting into a verbal altercation with it on his lawn.Read more...
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on (#5NCR4)
Disney recently revealed pricing for its new Star Wars hotel, Galactic Starcruiser, which will cost a family of four upwards of $6,000 for the two-night vacation package that includes food and immersive live-action role playing experiences. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NA5R)
A large slice of one of the 23 official cakes made of marzipan and icing from Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s 1981 wedding, which has been kept frozen since the nuptials, has sold at auction for more than $2,500. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NA5S)
NEW YORK—In an effort to reduce the spread of the highly transmissible Covid Delta variant, more cities around the nation have reportedly enacted measures this week requiring residents to root around in their bag looking for their vaccine card until the bartender feels bad and caves. “With this virulent strain of the…Read more...
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on (#5NA5V)
STANFORD, CA—As she settled in Friday for another long night of onerous paperwork, local scientist Dr. Rudha Zarah told reporters that when she accepted her research position, she had envisioned herself spending a lot less time on grant writing and a lot more time on glow-in-the-dark lizard making. “I realize every…Read more...
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on (#5NA5T)
CHATTANOOGA, TN—Eager to take a look back at the classics from his own childhood, new father Steve McKinley told reporters Friday that he loved getting to re-experience some of his favorite animal noises now that he had kids. “Oh man, I haven’t thought about them in years, but a lot of these barnyard sounds are really…Read more...
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on (#5NA0W)
“Being vaccinated should be a top priority for anyone who wasn’t wealthy enough to get it in May 2020.”Read more...
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on (#5N7D4)
CHESANING, MI—Noting that it was her right as an American citizen to decide when and where she would urinate and defecate, 3-year-old Madison Ackrite told reporters Wednesday that she was simply exercising her constitutionally guaranteed freedom of choice when she refused to use the potty. “My decision to pee-pee and…Read more...
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on (#5N7C1)
These products ultimately find their way into the ocean, resulting over the decades in dolphins’ three-point shooting percentage improving almost 27%.Read more...
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on (#5N754)
NEW YORK—Looking to reverse a decades-long decline relative to football, the MLB revealed Wednesday that they are hoping a partnership with Barstool Sports can help restore baseball’s stature as America’s nationalist pastime. “We’ve been losing our appeal to America’s angry, reactionary, blindly patriotic masses, and…Read more...
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on (#5N5FP)
ARLINGTON, TX—Hoping to light a fire under the executive after years of poor performance, the Dallas Cowboys signed a young 70-year-old backup owner on Tuesday to compete with Jerry Jones for his job. “We love Jerry, but he just hasn’t been performing to his full potential the past few decades, so we thought the time…Read more...
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on (#5N571)
Oh boy, we’re off to the races again, gamers, because it looks like Bowser is going off on another huge rant about how “it’s the owner, not the breed” after we said we’d never let a Chain Chomp near our kids.
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on (#5N4CE)
CANTON, MS—Calling the likely FDA approval of the Covid-19 vaccine an important first step, local vaccine skeptic Martin Graham announced Monday that he still would not be receiving a jab “until it passes the CDC, DCC, CCD, FAD, AFD, FDA, BIA, AIB, BFI, FIB, FBI” and all other combinations of three letters to better…Read more...
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on (#5N4AZ)
LOS ANGELES—Returning home from Tokyo as the most decorated female swimmer in history, seven-time Olympic gold medalist Katie Ledecky was expected to have her pick of TV cameo appearances in which she would deliver two lines of stilted dialogue, sources confirmed Monday. “We fully expect networks such as TBS, TNT, and…Read more...
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on (#5N493)
GENEVA—Cautioning readers to avoid dwelling on the negative, the latest report published Monday by the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was just a heartfelt letter telling humanity to remember the good times. “Look, regardless of what happens next, it’s been a great 300,000 years for our species,” read…Read more...
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on (#5N470)
MIDDLETON, WI—Having completed what it set out to do when it launched its line of dolls 35 years ago, American Girl announced Monday it had halted all production and shuttered its retail locations after determining it had done all the types of girls. “Rich girl, poor girl, black girl, white girl—as far as I can tell,…Read more...
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on (#5N471)
WEYMOUTH, MA—Insisting that she had no ties to the two-hour long compilation, local woman Lily Stein tried to explain away her embarrassing running playlist Monday like a mobster in an FBI interrogation room. “Look, I just hit play, I don’t know anything about no Taylor Swift or 6ix9ine,” said Stein, who nervously…Read more...
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on (#5N3VY)
MINNETONKA, MN—Admitting it really only made sense to schedule something once her symptoms were severe enough to elicit panic, local woman Kristen Perry told reporters she had put off going to the doctor until her disease was bad enough for him to believe her. “I’d love to get an appointment soon, but it’s just easier …Read more...
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on (#5N3VX)
Target has announced it will cover the cost of tuition, fees, and textbooks for part- and full-time employees who pursue a qualifying undergraduate degree at select institutions in a bid to attract workers in a competitive labor market. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N3VW)
WASHINGTON—In an astounding scientific breakthrough once believed decades away, NASA administrator Bill Nelson told reporters Monday that a manned mission to Mars was already feasible if we picked astronauts no one gives a shit about. “We’re excited to announce that we have both the technology and the funding to send…Read more...
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on (#5N3VV)
BELLEVUE, WA—Impressed by the complexity and intensity of the conversation between her parents and their friends, local child Ava Hartley, listening in on a dinner party, wished she were grown up enough to follow the adult discussion of Loki, sources confirmed Monday. “Wow, everything they’re saying about that…Read more...
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on (#5N1PA)
WEST ORANGE, NJ—Far outlasting anything he has accomplished in a professional, academic, or personal capacity, sources confirmed Friday that local man Darren Thompson’s most enduring contribution to society was uploading a 5-second excerpt of The Nutty Professor to YouTube. “The brief excerpt of The Nutty Professor’s…Read more...
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on (#5N1P9)
Bands break up all the time, but those that dissolve at the height of their fame can be especially hard on both band members and fans. The Onion looks back at the ugliest band breakups of all time.
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on (#5N1M2)
U.S.: More money than you gotRead more...
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on (#5N1M3)
The Federal Aviation Administration is asking airports to stop selling to-go alcohol that passengers can take onto flights, citing a spike in unruly behavior and violence conducted by passengers who drink excessively. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N1F3)
ST. CHARLES, IA—Claiming the garment had been a frustrating source of misdirection, several concertgoers stated Friday that fellow Hinterland Music Festival attendee Dave Kalejo had been completely disrespectful of everyone’s time by wearing a splashy floral-print shirt and not having any drugs to sell or share. “Does…Read more...
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on (#5N17R)
TOKYO—Staring in wonderment as the Olympic Village, stadiums, and surrounding cityscape collapsed in upon themselves, the beaming president of the International Olympic Committee said “I can’t believe we pulled it off” while standing in the charred, smoking crater where Tokyo once was. “Despite unprecedented…Read more...
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on (#5N17Q)
DEARBORN, MI—Touting that the new model would give customers even more of what they wanted in a pickup truck, Ford Motor Company promised Friday that the new 2022 F-450 would make the driver look every so tiny. “You will absolutely look like a weeny little baby sitting there in your driver’s seat, and we pledge that…Read more...
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on (#5N17P)
According To Forbes, pop star Rihanna is officially a billionaire with a net worth of $1.7 billion, making her the second richest female entertainer in the world behind Oprah Winfrey. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N0NA)
A new report has found that among high-income countries, the U.S. ranks last in access to healthcare, equity, and outcomes, despite spending a far greater share of its economy on health care. What do you think?Read more...
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Skunk Forced To Bluff Way Through Encounter With Dog After Realizing There’s Nothing Left In Chamber
on (#5N0K8)
CLEVELAND—Grimly aware that confidence was the only thing standing between him and certain death, a local skunk reportedly realized Thursday that he was going to have to bluff his way through an encounter with a dog now that he had nothing left in the chamber. “Easy does it, just act cool and we’re all going to get…Read more...
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on (#5N0G5)
LOS ANGELES—Anxiously stirring in his chair as the barber was interrupted once again, barbershop customer Jerry Esperance was frustrated at a taping of HBO’s The Shop Thursday as he waited two hours for a haircut while LeBron James talked about the 2016 NBA Finals. “I’m just want a haircut—how much longer do they…Read more...
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on (#5N0G6)
ATLANTA—Saying the format encapsulated everything he hoped to express in the forthcoming project, Kanye West revealed Thursday that he would opt to release his new album as a hot fudge sundae to the first thousand people waiting outside Mercedes Benz Stadium. “When you think of Donda from now on, think of a…Read more...
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on (#5N0G7)
SAN DIEGO—Proudly dusting off his hands and slamming the door shut, local police officer Jason McCabe reportedly said “You’re going away for a long time” Thursday after successfully locking up a rape kit. “You’re never getting out of here, not on my watch,” said the 10-year police force veteran, who threatened to…Read more...
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on (#5N08R)
McDonald’s may be a beloved multinational corporation, but its history is plagued by dark secrets. Here are several horrifying facts McDonald’s would hate if you knew about their restaurants.
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on (#5N065)
SMYRNA, DE—Sighing to himself because it seemed so obvious in retrospect, local 7-year-old Elijah Adelwright confirmed Thursday he had always assumed that if ever got abducted, it would be by a guy like this. “Well, of course this is my kidnapper—just look at him,” the second-grader said of the skittish, partially…Read more...
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on (#5MZZX)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Awaking with a jolt to the sound of the enraged virus rampaging around his kitchen, local man Chris Turner reportedly hid under his bed and covered his mouth in terror Thursday as an enormous Delta coronavirus variant tore through his house. “Please, God, I’ll do anything, just make this mutation go…Read more...
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