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on (#5MPJK)
NEW YORK—Stressing that Covid-19 outbreaks would be devastating for teams, the National Football League warned Wednesday that unvaccinated players would face consequences for domestic violence charges. “If a game is cancelled due to multiple Covid infections, the NFL will be forced to finally start punishing…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 22:30 |
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on (#5MPJM)
SARASOTA, FL—Still experiencing feelings of loss and betrayal in the wake of his divorce, Scott Keller told reporters Wednesday that he understood that working through his emotions might take two to three days. “Rachel and I were together nearly 10 years, so I need to be honest and accept it could take till Friday…Read more...
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on (#5MPFN)
Travis Bickle was originally going to cope with his disillusionment by getting really into cycling.Read more...
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on (#5MPBJ)
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Decrying the changing standards for international competition, local television viewer Edward Jensen exclaimed, “How the hell did such a weird sport get in the Olympics?” while watching golfers compete for a gold medal Wednesday. “They’re just hitting this little ball and playing in sand sometimes?”…Read more...
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on (#5MP3J)
The Department of Veterans Affairs and many medical facilities have announced they will begin requiring employees to be vaccinated against Covid-19, as other states and companies debate whether to make vaccinations mandatory. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of requiring Covid vaccinations.Read more...
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on (#5MP3G)
Scientists have revived 24,000-year-old microorganisms called rotifers that were found in Siberian permafrost, which, while harmless, raises questions about whether climate change will release potentially harmful pathogens as glaciers and ice sheets melt. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MN6P)
Between bad tips, drunk customers, and the guilt that comes with slowly poisoning everyone they serve, bartenders don’t need more to worry about. If you’re out at a bar, only order these drinks if you want to be hated forever.Read more...
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on (#5MN5T)
Tobacco group Philip Morris International’s CEO claimed the company plans to stop selling cigarettes in the U.K. in the next 10 years, saying “I want to allow this company to leave smoking behind.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MMR4)
EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, NJ—Hoping to spare their customers from wondering about it too much, top executives at Spencer Gifts announced Tuesday that it was probably safe to assume none of the employees at its more than 650 North American locations had been vaccinated for Covid-19. “Look, we can barely get these people to…Read more...
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on (#5MMJ5)
LONDON—In a press conference announcing their intention to become part of the solution, petroleum giant BP launched an environmental campaign Tuesday pledging to clean up the oil polluting the earth’s interior. “We’ve heard environmentalists calls for action, and we’re committed to take any means necessary to help…Read more...
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on (#5MMJ4)
NEW YORK—Providing staff members with an energetic and interactive cautionary tale, The Big Apple Players Company corporate improv workshop helped employees of a local marketing firm realize Tuesday that things could always be worse. “It’s been a difficult year, but working with these performers as they demonstrate…Read more...
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on (#5MMJ3)
New data suggests that most teens heading back to school will be unvaccinated against Covid-19, with less than a third on track to be fully vaccinated in the next 2 weeks. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MKWD)
Cleveland’s Major League Baseball team announced that they will begin using the name the Guardians following the end of the 2021 season, ridding itself of its previous name which many found offensive. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MKWE)
BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Puzzled by what they were seeing on screen, local Olympics viewer Riley Baker reportedly asked, “That’s so they can’t have sex?” Monday while staring in confusion at the volleyball net. “Uh, that doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop STDs or pregnancy, does it?” said Baker, who scoffed at the idea…Read more...
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on (#5MKWF)
TOKYO—In a scathing broadside that condemns the organization for glorifying physical suffering on a world stage, activists from more than 200 nations issued a statement Monday that accused the Olympics of human rights violations, citing a long history of forcing athletes to exert themselves. “Since its modern…Read more...
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on (#5MKTT)
Being thrust into the public eye may seem like a blessing, but those who have lived it know it can also be a curse. We asked celebrities to describe the worst parts of being famous, and here is what they said.
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on (#5MKPH)
TOKYO—Fielding multiple inquiries from desperate athletes hoping to pass their drug tests, Olympic mascot Miraitowa reportedly explained for the hundredth time Monday that he was all out of clean urine and, for the time being, would not be able to accommodate further requests. “Sorry, buddy, but I’m completely drained…Read more...
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on (#5MKPJ)
NEW YORK– Warning consumers to be on the lookout for deceptive communiqués, scam experts issued a statement Monday informing Americans that the IRS would never try to contact you from beyond this earthly plane. “Official communications from the government will almost never appear in the form of a bloody scrawl on…Read more...
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on (#5MKH7)
Amazon has begun rolling out a new masculine-sounding voice option for its Alexa virtual assistant along with a new wake word “Ziggy” to trigger the device. What do you think?Read more...
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Boston Dynamics Unveils New Robots Able To Realistically Behave Like They Under Researchers’ Control
on (#5MKH6)
WALTHAM, MA—Touting new gains in artificial intelligence, engineering firm Boston Dynamics reportedly unveiled new robots Monday that are able to realistically behave like they’re under researchers’ control. “Our new Maverick robot is a 6-foot-tall bipedal humanoid robot that is capable of pretending that programmers…Read more...
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on (#5MKH5)
Good things come to those who wait, and that’s certainly the case with an announcement out today from Santa Monica Studio. That’s right, God Of War fans! Nearly three years after the original PlayStation 4 release, a new expansion will allow Kratos to teach his son Atreus how to wash the area beneath his foreskin.Read more...
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on (#5MH8S)
TOKYO—Wide-eyed and moving in a trance-like state as the bright light drew them forth, dozens of athletes were incinerated Friday during the opening ceremony of the Olympics, with reports confirming the world-class competitors were unable to resist the tantalizing glow of the Olympic flame. “It is with a heavy heart…Read more...
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on (#5MH4N)
A new CDC study found that in 2020 the average American life expectancy fell by a year and a half due mainly to the coronavirus pandemic, with Black and Hispanic American life expectancy experiencing a far steeper decline of three years. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MH37)
HEBRON, WEST BANK—Lamenting the loss of his favorite summer treat, Israeli soldier Avi Berman told reporters Friday that patrolling the West Bank just wasn’t the same without a big cone of Chunky Monkey in his hand. “I used to spend all summer walking down the streets, assault rifle in one hand, big ol’ waffle cone in…Read more...
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on (#5MGWP)
When it comes to infidelity, sometimes actions speak louder than words. Here are the most important signs to watch out for if you think your significant other might be cheating on you.
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on (#5MGTH)
BUTTE, MO—Impressed by how fast the changes were occurring, local man Marty Kerrig could reportedly already see the difference in his body Friday just one week after starting to decompose. “Wow, I began this process only a matter of days ago, and I’m feeling looser and more flexible and noticing a big shift in my…Read more...
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on (#5MGTJ)
Following the assassination of Haitian president Jovenel Moïse on July 7 and the political crisis it prompted, calls for the U.S. to get more involved with Haiti also shine a light on the history of relations between the two countries. The Onion looks at key events in the timeline of U.S.–Haiti relations.
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on (#5MGQ6)
A new Swedish study found that men spend their money on greenhouse gas–emitting goods and services, such as meat and fuel, at a much higher rate than women. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MGNH)
TOKYO—In a dazzling display that featured several artistic renditions of cities being razed by bulldozers, wrecking balls, and controlled burns, the opening ceremony Friday depicted the Olympics’ time-honored tradition of destroying local communities. “Tonight, we watch Japan’s best dancers, singers, and acrobats…Read more...
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on (#5MG5V)
JERUSALEM—Following the ice cream manufacturer’s decision to stop selling its products in occupied Palestinian territory, Israel escalated tensions Thursday by closing its embassy inside Ben & Jerry’s factory. “Ben & Jerry’s hostile actions have left the nation of Israel with no choice but to close our embassy near…Read more...
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on (#5MG3K)
TOKYO—With hours to go before the start of an Olympics already fraught with controversy, organizers of the Tokyo Games announced Thursday they had fired their lead choreographer for the opening ceremonies, Bashar al-Assad, after learning about the Syrian president’s past use of chemical weapons. “It’s has recently…Read more...
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on (#5MFYW)
WASHINGTON—Shoving down barriers, sprinting up the steps, and smashing his fist through a thick pane of glass, bat-wielding Representative Jim Jordan (R-OH) burst through a Capitol window Thursday and demanded to be allowed onto a committee investigating the events of January 6th. “The January 6th committee was…Read more...
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on (#5MFTH)
After two years, the country’s three largest drug distributors and pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson have reached a $26 billion settlement that would release the companies from all legal liability in the opioid epidemic, with majority of the funds going toward paying for addiction and prevention services. What do …Read more...
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on (#5MFNM)
WASHINGTON—Declaring that their massive, intergalactic journey had finally come to an end once and for all, NASA reportedly returned to their home planet Thursday after completing their mission on Earth. “After conducting countless experiments and studying your human species in detail for decades, we have opted to…Read more...
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on (#5MFKD)
Well, we’ve seen some disgusting things in our day, readers, but this one takes the cake. Local gamer Trent McKenzie has just booted up Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice and isn’t even washing his DualShock controller after each button press.
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on (#5MFF7)
New research published in The Journal of the American Medical Association found that Americans owe nearly twice as much medical debt as was previously thought, totaling $140 billion last year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MFF6)
COLUMBUS, GA—Revealing that the trembling of the chandelier invariably tipped her off, local woman Kacey Ellis told reporters Thursday that she could always tell her period was coming by the way doors slammed shut and lights flickered. “It’s weird, it’s just this kind of intuitive sense I get a few days before it…Read more...
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on (#5MET1)
OMAHA, NE—Saying the social media network was the only place he had heard about his purported newborn relative, local man Eric Cruthirds expressed doubt Wednesday as to whether his cousin Audrey had actually given birth to the baby pictured in his Facebook feed. “The story seems plausible enough, but you always have…Read more...
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on (#5MERV)
Model and actress Leyna Bloom has made history by becoming the first trans person to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue, the magazine’s most famous and perennially best-selling edition. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MEPR)
TOYKO—Apologizing profusely for the misunderstanding that could potentially end her Olympic career, U.S. sprinter Justine Hayes blamed a positive Covid test Wednesday on a nutritional supplement she didn’t realize contained the novel coronavirus. “While I did not know it at the time, my positive test stemmed from a…Read more...
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on (#5MEMG)
For decades, Final Fantasy fans have been plagued by one big question: How the heck do you prepare a chocobo? Sure, we’ve all spent countless hours riding these ostrich-like gaming icons around the games’ various maps, but not once has Square Enix even hinted at how you would go about cooking one. Well, ponder no…Read more...
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